I have uterine cramping, too. I know that can be attributed to the progesterone I am on, but why oh why does that shit only start after the transfer? Why was I on progesterone injections for a full 5 days with not even a twinge, but the moment they put two microscopic clusters of cells in there and all hell breaks loose?
Then there are my boobs. They're sore, which is again can be due to the progesterone, I know. It is simultaneously exciting and heartbreaking. There is that chance for a maybe. Maybe it is because I am pregnant. But I think of that missing line, and I'm scared of what that will mean. I just dread cycling again. I dread having to be evasive and missing work. I don't want to have to go through all of that again.
I want there to still be a chance. I need there to be a chance.
Maybe it's still too early...
It's sadistic to allow a person to feel like this--to give a person this crazy mixture of hope and anxiety. My body does just that, though. It continues its game of mockery. It lets me have everything look good at the transfer, for it all fall apart in the end. Ha. I thought the thaw would be the hurdle to jump through. That's what worried me.
I am sure this is all my own fault. I got too cocky. I've done 4 ivf's. I've been pregnant from each one. I expected to get pregnant this time, too. I thought I could at least do that part right. Positives were something I thought I had down. Sure, it took a room full of people, thousands of dollars, daily shots, surgical procedure, bypassing my tubes, and placing embryos straight into my uterus to get those positives, but the fact that I could get them was my thing. The thing that made me like everyone else, made me like a fertile. Of course we know how much I suck at the sticking part, but whatever.
Take away the positives, and I'm left with yet another way my body has failed.
I am left with nothing except total failure.
Sigh.
5 days until beta. Why does it feel like I am waiting for the executioner? 
I'm sorry, Stacie. I will still hold out hope for this cycle, I promise. But in the meantime, I have felt that shitty feeling of your body letting you down in regards to the ONE GOOD THING it's actually capable of doing. It's crushing. Thinking of you...
ReplyDelete{{{Hugs}}} hon. I am praying for you.
ReplyDeletehi - i am going to still remain positive and cautiously optimistic. i think if you are PG it will give you a line on/by saturday - not sure why but that day sticks in my head. i still think it may be too early right now.
ReplyDeletei have no experience with FET's - but hope for the best for you. if it doesn't work this time don't get so down on yourself - IVF is not 100% a guarantee of pregnancy - and you said it yourself, you've done it 4 times and gotten PG each time! that in and of itself is amazing.
the body failing to be able to carry a pregnancy like we'd like - well - we've shared that commonality way too many times!!!
so try to remain cautiously optimistic too - to get pregnant each and every time with IVF would truly be amazing, and very unlikely once the number of times starts to go up. but you are a strong willed lady, and nothing is going to stop you from adding to your family. it just may be in a different way than you expected.
but it's too early so none of that matters right now.
and if you happen to go back to my blog - i was SURE i was not pregnant with nicho.las until the day before the beta. it was just too early. just like this ------ too early. stay positive and try as hard as you can not to dwell on anything -- you should try to plan something fun outdoors for your family this weekend.
speaking of - we're headed to disneyland in dec - let me know if you want to meet up.
No words can I help.
ReplyDeleteso sorry.
HUGS.
((HUGS)) I hope and pray that you start seeing a line and that beta days reveals great results.
ReplyDelete