---
Today I am all kinds of angry.
I should be 30 weeks pregnant right now. I should be happy and hugely relieved that I had passed the boys' gestation. I should be gearing up for the last bit of pregnancy before I meet my little one. I should be excited and anxious with anticipation!
Or at the very least I should be 14 weeks right now, pregnant from two top-notch blasts that gave me a 40-50% chance at success. Woohoo! Things just worked out perfectly; it was meant to be!
What I should not have to be doing is peeing on a stupid stick, going crazy because it does nothing but show me a single mocking line of red. 5dp6dt and it was fucking negative. Fuckity Fuck, Fuck, Fuck.
Sure there is hope. It's early. Blah, blah, blah.
I'm getting the sinking feeling that it won't matter how long I wait. That second line isn't going to come.
Damn it. Fuck, fuck, fuck.
It pisses me off that I have to continue to do this to myself (and our family) over and over again just to do something that is so fucking easy for others.
Say this cycle fails. I have to take yet another month off because my E2 will probably be way too high to start when AF arrives.
That takes us to March. Another fresh cycle. Another giant wad of cash spent on just a chance... and NO, I don't have insurance that covers IVF.
All that boils down to in my mind is that I have at least two months of more waiting. I am exhausted from all the fucking waiting.
---
It didn't help that when I went for my E2 and P4 midpoint check today, they hadn't even pulled my chart or written up a lab slip. It was like it didn't even matter to them whether or not this cycle got me pregnant.
It was just another omen of impending doom.
I'm sorry, it fucking sucks, all of it.
ReplyDelete**HUG**
Stacie I am so sorry. So very fucking sorry. I won't say that it's early. I won't try and cheer you into a better mood. I'm just going to send you a GIGANTIC HUGE JUICY cyber hug. One so big that your bones crack and your breath escapes you. and you have to uncomfortably tell me that, "ok, that's enough...thanks..no really, that's great...you can let go...LET GO"
ReplyDeleteyip. one that big.
Hon, you are always in my thoughts...hug your men, and hug yourself, and know that we all love you!
ReplyDeleteIt's fucking bullshit, all the garbage you have to go through just to get Goddamn pregnant. It's not FAIR.
ReplyDeleteI'm still holding out for a teeny line on a peestick, Stay Low.
Love to you XOXOXOXO
I'm so damned sorry.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry, I really am. It really does suck. I wish it wasn't this hard and this painful.
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, FUCK is MY word! So I could be nothing but proud to see you sharing the word and for using it in all it's glory- well justified.
ReplyDeleteFUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!!!!!!!! WTF MAN?????? WTF IS GOING ON??? WHY IS IT SO HARD TO BRING LIFE INTO THIS WORLD? COULD THERE BE ANYONE MORE DESERVING THAN YOU?????
Just waddling in the 'fucks' with you....
and thank you for the shout out :)
My vote: don't pee on sticks. Sticks are the devil. Avoid at all costs.
ReplyDeleteInstead, take the money you would spend on them and buy something nice for yourself. A bottle of perfume, a new scarf.
I wish I could tell you not to worry, but what the fuck do I know.
Just know that there are a ton of us out here rooting for you!
Still hoping it is too early, but totally understanding why you are feeling the way you do. #$&*(#$&#@$
ReplyDeleteFuck sums it up quite nicely.
ReplyDeleteHere still hoping and praying for you.
My line, 11dpo was very faint, even with twins. And I think I read somewhere that with FET's the initial betas are commonly lower. Like it takes 'em a while to get crankin' out the hormones.
ReplyDeleteDon't give up hope just yet.