I have to admit that I am back to thinking about "the plan." Only now, I am not exactly sure of what the plan is.
Not true.
I know what the plan is--ivf. That is the plan. Sigh. I was hoping that it would be something else...something easier...something cheaper. But alas, that is not the case. Yes, I still have one tube, but the RE didn't sound all that optimistic about its success chances. (I just broke out into a sweat when I thought about how close I was to losing that tube, too. How great can it really be when he was contemplating removing it? In the end, I think he only really left it because it wouldn't hurt me if he left it.)
Boo.
So, the plan is back to ivf. Theoretically, things should be easier now. I mean, with the girly parts all where they are supposed to be, things are optimal. Still freaking out a bit when I think about how things could have been had I managed to stay pregnant with a uterus where it apparently was. Shudder. There is no hydrosalpinx to possibly interfere with implantation. I keep reminding myself of the good news that my actual uterus looked fine on the inside. And hell, I even managed to actually get pregnant even when things looked so crappy on the inside. That has got to be something too.
No, the question is no longer how am I going to get pregnant. Now the question is when? I don't even have my post op consultation until next week, and here I am wondering about when I can start torturing my body again. I have no idea how long I am expected to heal before I head back into treatments.
I hate all of this waiting. Hurry, hurry, hurry and wait. Ugh. So annoying. I need to be doing something.
I am struggling with anger, too. I should have pushed for this earlier. Before the fresh cycle and the miscarriage. Before the two frozen cycles. The uncertainty of my left tube was always gnawing at me. I brought it up to the RE. I did tests. All looked okay. The RE thought all was okay. But it bugged me anyway.
Once again, I dismissed my gut and got fucked in the long run. Who knows how things could be...would be different right now had I fought for what I thought. I knew something was wrong.
Yet another time I wished I would have had a crystal ball.
Don't beat yourself up over the would of, could of, should ofs. Just be glad they were able to polish up everything in there and lets pray for smooth sailing from here on out. {{{Hugs}}}
ReplyDeleteThere are not many things that piss me off more than finding out your gut was right and you didn't listen to it. I totally feel ya , there!
ReplyDeleteI'm sending you SO much love and healing vibes! Enjoy your spring break!
*HUGS*
It sucks that you didn't get it done earlier, but better late than never right? And more hope for what the future holds even if we can't get a glimpse at it. I have my fingers crossed for you.
ReplyDeletei know it is hard sometimes to believe everything happens for a reason . . . but it does. there was a reason that it wasn't mean to be until now. that little soul awaiting you and issac as parents is almost ready to make your dreams come true, you've done the tough stuff - so here's hoping from this day forward you'll be having some smooth sailing toward a larger family.
ReplyDeletebest to you!!!
Hey girlie. Been out of town for a few days and just getting caught up.
ReplyDeleteIt's so hard not to get caught up in the what-ifs.. but you know, it does no good. So far.. no time machine. :(
For now, it's fixed. Next time is the charm!
Hope you're feeling better soon.
I go away for a few days and look what you do.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry about the lap pain. I remember my collar bones just ACHING for days. I just wanted to burp so bad to get it out but it wasn't in my stomach it was around my stomach.
I'm glad they found "something"
It sounds optimistic. There's something to do from here.
Sorry if you feel like you didn't listen to your gut. Sometimes it's not up to us.