Yesterday was December 19; the day I imagine I would have delivered my miracle baby. As much as I try not to allow days like this to take their hold on me, this one was hard to shake. Oh to be snuggling a newborn, inhaling that new baby scent.
Today was December 20; the day Is.aac learned he will be officially laid off from his job of thirteen years as of December 31. I am beyond angry about all of it, as there were promises that this wouldn't happen. "Your job is secure until the end of 2014," they said earlier this month. Lies, all lies.
I think some would say that I should be grateful that I don't have a newborn baby to consider in the middle of all of this mess, that his layoff would be twice as devastating if we had to deal with me on maternity leave and him being out of work at the same time. They'd tell me that miscarrying that very wanted baby was part of a supreme being's plan...a blessing in disguise even.
I can't say those things though. I don't think I ever could say those things. To me, the timing of our due date and his lay off doesn't mean that not having one makes the other easier to digest. To the contrary, all they've done has made this week even shittier than it would have been otherwise.
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It is the really big events like these that point out how different Is.aac and I process and deal with things. It is hard for me to understand where he goes in that head of his. He says little and shares his thoughts and emotions even less. It's isolating for me and ends up magnifying my stress tenfold. I need immediate action, even if that means simply processing (aloud so I'm included would be nice). He sits and reflects, quietly turning possibilities over in his mind all while I lose my own because he just. won't. talk.
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I'm trying to put on a happy face for the boys. They are SO into the whole Christmas thing this year, loving it all--every discussion of Santa, crafts we've done, singing carols, finding that damn elf each morning, everything. Their anticipation is palpable, and I am enjoying watching them enjoy this season.
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Sigh. I keep trying to tell myself that things will be okay. I went right to work calculating money scenarios. With unemployment, it will definitely be tighter, but it won't break us. It will, however, affect my mom (she is our childcare and we pay her), and that has me more than a little stressed. She does rely on watching the boys.
I'm also trying to remember that this is the push he needed to actually find a job that will pay him what he's worth. He was underpaid in his current job. His loyalty to them made him unwilling to really fight to be paid what he was worth. As unsettling as this is, I hope it will be a good thing once we are on the other side.
But right now, things suck quite a bit. Merry Christmas, right?
So sorry he got laid off, especially now!
ReplyDeleteGah!! What a shitty way to end the year!! My dh is the same way with things and it is maddening!
ReplyDeleteI don't think losing a baby could ever be considered a blessing, especially to the mother. I am so sorry.
ReplyDeleteMy husband is the EXACT. SAME. WAY. He doesn't talk about his emotions or his thought process about serious matters. It is so frustrating and extremely lonely at times. What a crappy way to end the year indeed. It's too bad the company wasn't as loyal to him as he was to them. We have soooo been in your shoes many times in our marriage, collecting unemployment and barel making ends meet. It did all lead to tony eventually getting a really good job. Now, he has a good job - but we still are barely making ends meet now that I am on maternity leave, with no pay I might add.