Superstitious

I haven't posted in a few days. I have attempted to several times over that time, but every time I would open the post, I would end up closing it and erasing what I wrote. I couldn't figure out what my problem was. Why wasn't I able to write my thoughts and feelings?

I think a part of me--a large part--is afraid that by talking about being pregnant, I might somehow jinx it and lose the pregnancy. I am not an overly superstitious person on most days. I will avoid walking under ladders, but my concern is more about something falling on me instead of it causing bad luck. I have broken more than my fair share of mirrors in my life without even once worrying that I am doomed. But talking about being pregnant? That is a touchy subject! I really don't want to jeopardize this...

I am forcing myself to get it over with and jump right in here. I am not even really sure what I am rambling on and on about right now. My fingers are just typing without me really thinking about it.

Deep breath. Okay, here it goes...

I have only told two people what is going on right now. One person was there when the nurse called to give me my first beta results. There was no way she'd let me go anywhere without explaining what all of that was about. She swore to strict confidentiality, though, and has kept her end of the deal. The other person I told is my student teacher. I figured I owed her an explanation of why my emotions were all over the place. By nature I tend to be a calm, tolerant person. Over the last week, I have become an unpredictable monster. She laughed and said that me being pregnant explained a lot...hmmm, what do you think that meant? Anyway, I am still lying to my mom and dad about what is happening. I have decided not to say anything to them until the ultrasound. That is fourteen long days away! My mom has asked several times when I will start the next cycle. My response has been when I start my period. That is sort of true. (Can I get off on a technicality?) Well, she can pretty much guess that my period "should" be here in the not too distant future. Then what? I am trying not to think about it.

Today I am 5 weeks. Wow, I said it out loud. Nothing happened because I said it. Breathe. Nothing will, right?

I am still on the blood thinner and inject it once a day into my belly. I have some pretty black and blue bruises from the shots, but they are fairly small so far. I am sure that the bruising will increase the longer I am on the shots. I do find that if anyone even looks at me wrong, I get another bruise. That is pretty unfortunate for me as I tend to be a little on the 'accident prone' side of the pendulum. If there is a wall somewhere, I will find a way to walk into it. That has always been my problem, so I guess there is no changing it now! I am also still on the progesterone shots. I think these shots are the cruelest form of torture. You want to really break someone? Just give them progesterone shots in the rear for a month. They'll do anything you want just to stop them! My butt is so sore, it hurts when I walk. It is awful. (But worth it!)

I think I have created a groove in my toilet seat from the constant running to the bathroom I am doing. I swear that I am in there more often than not anymore. (Warning, too much info is coming up.) I am having a lot more discharge lately. I know that this is normal, but every time I feel "wet" I have a sinking feeling in my heart and just know that my period has started and I miscarried again. I run to the bathroom, pull down my pants fully expecting to see blood, and breathe a sigh of relief to find nothing there. I do this many times a day (no way will I admit how often) and I am driving myself and poor husband crazy. I can't help it, though. It is an obsession! I never really thought of myself as OCD before, but apparently I am!

Another interesting development in my body over the last week has been the increase in gas. I have never been one to be gassy in the past. Now, I can clear a room without really even trying. "Oh, it's not that bad," you might think. Well it is. When your cats get up off your lap and walk away, you know that you are causing quite a toxic hazard. I mean, cats have pretty high tolerance for this type of thing. I guess I am okay until they start to try and bury me, right? I won't admit that one to you if it happens, either!

I don't really have any concrete symptoms to prove to myself that I am really pregnant. I have a reason for everything I feel. I am tired--progesterone shots or stress at work. I am hungry--I eat too much/just being a pig. I have horrendous gas--dh makes me eat too much broccoli (he really does). I am bloated--side effect from the meds and again maybe the broccoli. Sore bbs (which started back up again today)--now this one makes me feel a little more confident, but not that much more and is probably progesterone, too. Cramps--pending af...only being held off by progesterone. I am annoyed by everything--hormones out of whack from meds/stress at work/no caffeine/tired/people are just stupid.

See? I am hopeless!