Updated: Congratulations to Maya and her family for the birth of their daughters at 30 1/2 weeks. She hasn't given any information other than to say that she had the babies, but please stop by and congratulate them when you get the chance.
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I am doing slightly better today and am chalking this emotional roller coaster I am on to hormones. I did not go see the babies at all yesterday (insert guilt here, please) because I felt my negative energy would do nothing for them. Isaac went alone which gave him so needed one on one daddy time. He even held Sh.awn for awhile.
I am regularly amazed by my husband. He continues to support me and the babies. It is nice to know that I can rely on him when things get bad. As much as I love him, I am not sure that I believed he would really be there for me when I needed him. I don't know why that is so, but it was. Now I know that he will be. It means more than I can ever really say.
Is.aac stayed home with me today. I think he thought I was going off the emotional deep end, too. We did some crying and worrying about the future of the boys. We talked about how scared he was while I was ill. He finally talked about how he felt when the doctors were talking about exploratory surgery and slicing me from throat to belly button to "see" what was going on. He was there to make sure that they didn't do something that wasn't needed and was strong even though he was worried. He kept track of every person that entered my room, every medication they gave me, and consoled me when I was afraid to be alone. He talked about how he replayed every scenario that could happen in his head while I slept. He stressed about whether having them wait to do a surgery would help or hurt me, especially when I was at my sickest.
I needed to hear him talk about his worries and fears. I am pretty hard on myself as a general rule and have very high expectations for myself. I tend to think that I am the only person feeling doubt and fear, especially when Isaac was being so strong and stoic. Knowing that I am not the only one of us who is scared helped me to put my worries into perspective.
I am trying to focus on my favorite quote, "My tears don't compromise my strength; they never have." A bad day does not make me a bad person or mother, even if I didn't go see the babies. I am still strong. I must be. My husband and babies need me to be. Being strong doesn't mean that I can't cry and worry. Being strong just means that I pick myself up after I am down and continue on.
I don't have to be perfect. That is such a huge relief. No one is perfect, least of all me. It seems so simple really. Why hadn't I thought that through before?
Thank you to everyone who commented on my last post. It helps to hear others' stories and ideas. You truly are wonderful people and I am blessed to have you in my life.
Glad to hear today is an "up" day. I can imagine life will be a roller coaster until your boys come home.
ReplyDeleteTry to remember to give yourself the credit you deserve for all that you are and all you have achieved.
Try not to worry too much about what you "should do"... You are creating a new role for yourself - mother and protector. I understand that it will prove to be the most rewarding role of a lifetime, but it does NOT require you to be perfect.
Hugs to you and your family
Actually, you are perfect. Perfectly amazing. That was one beautiful post. Isaac sounds grea, and very much like my husband. I know a pediatrician who once told a new mother, "All you need to do is love your baby." There will always be good day and bad days, even after the NICU, but at the end of the day, what your child needs to know most is that you love him.
ReplyDeleteMy husband shared all of his worries with me after the babies were born too. He also was very stoic and in control and never once seemed worried. I believe this kept me calm through the whole process. But it was nice to hear in the end how concerned he was for me. But then I felt horrible for making him loose sleep.
ReplyDeleteGlad to hear you're feeling a little better today and welcome to the guilt club! This is just the beginning ;-) Just wait til you cut one of their fingers while trimming fingernails and they bleed all over the place and scream bloody murder...that was a fun day (rolling eyes)
It sounds like the two of you had a very cathartic day. I'm glad. I think you both needed it.
ReplyDeleteKnowing you have each other for support is a huge part of the battle.
And I think your quote is absolutely...
perfect.
Stacie I am checking in on you all the time, and I hope and pray that your family gets through this hard time. I can't imagine what it must be like for you - I think you are an amazing mother.
ReplyDeleteMuch, much love, eden xoxo
I know what you mean about feeling like you have to be perfect and strong all the time. I have to remind myself daily that I don't always have to hide my tears and it is okay to cry. You have been through a lot and you deserve to have a bad day every now and then. I can't even begin to imagine what you are going through. I am sending lots of prayers your way!
ReplyDeleteHow lucky that the 2 of you have each other. It sounds as if you balance each other out perfectly.
ReplyDeleteWhen one is feeling down and a little weaker the other steps up. I have a feeling you will continue this through "the teenage years" :)
You have AMAZING strength.
Thanks for the post...I'm glad you are taking care of you.
Sounds like both you and DH are amazing. I had some really emotional times after my kids were born. I remember feeling guilty for sending them to the nursery so I could get some sleep in the hospital. It's all those damn hormones. I am sending prayers for you, DH, and your boys!
ReplyDelete