Monday, March 24, 2008

Well, it is 2 am--I have surfed the net, read a few blogs, watched some television. But I am wide awake.

I have yet to get a really good sleep. Let's face it, even the naps haven't been that great. I close my eyes and dream about bald spots and spiders and being chased by evil men in dark alleys. Demons are after me when the world is dark. They haunt me and remind me that my world is not okay right now. It isn't fun.

I know all of that is brought on by stress. I have tunneled so far under a mountain of stress that I don't think I will see the light for years to come sometimes. Then there are the fleeting moments when I can forget. I come up for air. Enjoy. Those moments are a blessing, keeping me going until the inevitable happens, and I tumble back down the never ending hole of worry, doubt, and intense fear that next time we may not be so lucky.

Shawn wants to be held all the time, which while comforting to some degree, is slowly driving me insane. When he is nestled against my chest, with his head under my chin, I stare at him. I have become obsessed with his soft spot. I find myself analyzing its firmness, its temperature, its look while I hold him. That soft spot never leaves my sight long enough for me to truly get the picture of it out of my head. I watch it constantly. Is it bigger than it was ten minutes ago? What about that firmness? Okay, it isn't so firm when he stops crying. That is okay, right? Questions fill my head.

He continues to improve each day, but he is still...different. That terrifies me more than anything. How much did this event impact him and his development? I hate that there is no answer for that. I just want someone to say that he will be okay. They will be okay.

But no one will. No one knows.

The unknown sucks.
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6 comments:

  1. The Madeira TripletsMarch 24, 2008 at 6:41 AM

    He will be okay :D They will both be okay, and you all will move on past this period and return to previous schedules and routines--and I'll pray that this happens sooner rather than later. Is Shawn on the same schedule and behaving in pretty much the same fashion but you feel something is "intuitively" different, or is something very "off"?

    I'm not sure exactly when this happened, but I'm a lot more of a worrier than I used to be, and I haven't had any specific incidents like you guys have to trigger that worry mechanism. I definitely think that new mothers (esp. those who have had high risk pregnancies) worry more than other mothers, from my limited experience asking around to different new mothers in my acquaintance. I feel that it uses up a tremendous amount of energy. I have also been having not "bad" dreams but dreams in which I have a complicated puzzle to solve that I can't solve, and so I wake up thinking about those dreams and am still frustrated when I can't solve them.

    Hugs to you all...Love, Jody

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  2. K J and the kidsMarch 24, 2008 at 7:40 AM

    I used to lick the cup on the nyquil bottle :) it always knocked me out (such the light weight)

    I wish that I had the perfect thing to say to put your mind at ease.
    I can't imagine the unsettled fear you have. I'm searching for the answers to being less afraid of everything unknown.
    If I find anything that helps. I will pass it your way.

    Hope you have a better day today.

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  3. the rotten correspondentMarch 24, 2008 at 8:06 AM

    I just left you a long comment that I have an awful feeling Blogger ate.

    But the bottom line is:

    You're doing all you can. And then some. This is not an easy situation, but you handle it all with grace every time.

    And we're here for you. I hope you know that.

    Big hugs to you.

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  4. Lollipop GoldsteinMarch 24, 2008 at 10:31 AM

    The worrying can simply eat you alive. But just like you didn't know how you'd get through treatments or the NICU or any of the other things you've come through, you will also keep putting foot in front of foot and walk through anything in the future. You, my dear, are a very strong woman.

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  5. singletraceyMarch 24, 2008 at 10:59 AM

    Hi Stacie...

    Gosh.. when will this end for you. You have got to be the strongest mother I know. I can't imagine how you hold it all together.. maybe your not, but from here it looks like it.

    You and the boys are in my prayers and thoughts. I know just the candle that I will pull out and light for you three.

    Hugs and kisses to all of you!

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  6. ME GregoryMarch 24, 2008 at 11:06 AM

    Hey Stace - I'm sorry I don't have a grand words of wisdom, but I do have hugs and a virtual shoulder. I am here for you - email me anytime. I'm sorry you are hurting and that you are facing these tough times - I think you are right, you have to just go forward as best you can each day and take the great moments and savor and enjoy. You are doing a good job handling all the uncertaintly which is always a tough place to be in. Lots of love and hugs to you! Meme

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