back pain - check
cramps - check
general pissiness - check
CD26 (of a 26-28 day cycle) - check
meds ready and waiting - check
AF - - check minus; by the feel of things, it should arrive at any time
But, the thought of cycling in a matter of days scares the shit out of me. I want it just as bad as I did when I tried the first time around. Still...I am dragging my feet. What is wrong with me?
I waffle back and forth between pure excitement at the prospect of adding to our family and full out, sweat drenched panic.
Plus, I haven't scheduled an hsg. I want to but can't get myself to call. WTF, Stacie?
All I can think about is whether trying again is just going to tempt fate. I wasn't so successful at the whole pregnancy thing the first, or second, or even the third time around when I carried the boys, so what makes me think that I'll be able to do things better than I did then?
I've had a few NICU dreams lately, too. Big, bad, scary NICU dreams at that.
Sigh.
I am leaning toward waiting one more month to start my cycle. That should put my start date somewhere at the end of June. I'll be out of school by then finally, which will help with the logistics.
Maybe when there is less external noise surrounding me I'll be able to focus on and quiet the internal noise, too?
If you aren't ready to dive in, then wait that extra month.
ReplyDeleteIt's definitely a scary thing to add to your family, because of all the what ifs. You could end up with a very pleasant, relaxed pregnancy this time around. 3 is a good number for me, but of course I wouldn't mind another, but the thought of all the pregnancy related problems I've had, I just can't put myself through all that. Only you can decide when it is time.
I hear your fears.
ReplyDeleteI'm still wondering what I got myself into.
Bug is five. Independent. He can wipe his own butt. that is a good thing.
Yeah for school almost being out for you. Oh the excitement.
I'm with you... CD 6 now (of 28/32 day cycle), and in serious panic, scary dreams and all... We're starting our first (FET) cycle either next month or the one after that. Probably. Possibly. Maybe. Help!!
ReplyDeleteI really want to do this, but I'm so scared. Scared of another premature birth. Scared that we're tempting fate. Scared it might not turn out so well next time.
And scared of another failed cycle. Right now, I can look back on our TTC experience and think: "Wow, look at our two little miracle-babies (well, toddlers)! All those years of hoping, of crying, of pain, they were all worth it!!" But when I cross that line, when we go ahead with the FET, when we're back on the train, and we fail (and we probably will), will I be able to look back and think the same thing? Or will that final failed cycle forever make me sad about what didn't happen, instead of happy about what DID?
Husband's not helping. He's been switching back and forth for months now, from "Yeah! Let's do this YESTERDAY! Lets go have more kids! Preferably twins again!" (Oh yes. He's insane) to "No more children for us! Ever!" and back again. Depending on whether the twins are sleeping through the night or not, mostly...
You need to do what you're most comfortable doing. If waiting til the end of June is what you feel you need - go for it. However, I'd probably still have the HSG this cycle just in case there are some other unnecessary delays in the future with scheduling or something at your doctor's office. (Lots of people take vacations during the summer.)
ReplyDeleteIt sounds to me like your mind is playing tricks on you. It doesn't want to deal with the possible disappointment so it's scaring the shit out of you.
ReplyDeleteThe discouragement is just a way to make reasons and excuses to wait.
Whatever you decide to do...it's ok and it's what you should be doing. Whether you wait or go forward with this month. Do what's right in your heart and tell your mind to fuck off :)
I'm sorry you're feeling so scared. It's understandable though. Maybe you just need to have a sit down with yourself. Give her a stern lecture and all will be well. Or I can do it for ya ;o)
ReplyDelete*HUGS*
I feel for ya, sister. After school is out things will get better, quieter. ((BIG HUGS))
ReplyDeleteWhat ever you decide we are here for you and praying for you!!
ReplyDelete((SUPER HUGS))
I have 15 month old twin boys (they will be 16 months old on Friday) and hubby and I are in the midst of deciding whether or not we want a third.
ReplyDeleteI want another baby - well, 80% of the time. Hubby is more on the fence about it.
But I worry about things as well. Are we tempting fate with having a third? Maybe we have it really good right now and we should just be happy with what we have?
I have asked every mother of 3 that I know to please give me feedback about having 3 children. I go back and forth on the issue a lot but am mostly on yes.
Still, it's nice to read that someone else is in the same boat that I am.
Follow your heart. That is what people keep telling me and what I feel will lead me to the right answer.
Best of luck to you.
Carrie
Rooting for you, whenever you decide to pull the trigger.
ReplyDeleteI was going through some old videos last night and had a bunch from the NICU. I thought I was going to have a panic attack just listening to the background noises.. Dreams would kill me.
Its scary to go down that road again. Good luck with the next cycle whether it starts in the next few days or a month from now.
ReplyDeleteI like your idea of waiting til the end of June - hopefully less stress, if you can help it.
ReplyDeleteI hope the NICU dreams subside. How horrible you must feel when you wake up, but so thankful that they are just dreams/nightmares and not reality any more.
Good luck on whatever you decide! Don't be afraid. I have faith you'll do ok!
ReplyDelete