Yesterday

Sorry about that. It wasn't my intention to leave you guys hanging.

I think I just lost 24 hours of my life. It seems I may have come down with some sort of nasty bug, which timed its appearance at about 4 yesterday. Since then, I've spent loads of time sleeping and being a couch potato. Not fun.

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First, let me welcome all you ICLW'ers! Thank you for stopping by my little blog. Here is the brief history: 3 IVFs and a crappy pregnancy = my sweet twin boys. 2 FETs and 2 more IVFs = current P word status. Today I am 7 weeks. Yeah!

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Okay. Now for yesterday's appointment!

I have to say that I was a nervous wreck on the drive over to the clinic. It didn't help that they had called and moved my appointment an hour and a half earlier. I had psyched myself up for an 11:00 appointment; the last minute change sent all of my mental preparation out the window!

The waiting room was filled with patients, like it always is, but they took me back almost as soon as I signed in. We were led into the SAME exam room we had on that fateful day last year. I did my best not to panic, but I was close to the edge. I even had the start of my lovely hives on my arms and neck from the stress.

Then the RE entered the room. He sat on a chair and opened my chart--all ten inches of it. He quickly looked at my numbers and told me he had a good feeling about things. He looked up my due date and asked me how I felt. I told him I felt pretty crappy (which is apparently not the norm to feel crappy after feeling zero morning sickness during a twin pregnancy--go me yet again!). I also told him that he was not allowed to find anything but a nice strong heart beat on the ultrasound. He smiled and again told me he felt like it was going to be there this time.

I closed my eyes when I saw there was a sac on the screen. I couldn't look at it. A split second later he said he saw it...a nice, strong heart beat! I looked at the screen. Nothing. I couldn't find the flicker. And then...the most beautiful little sight I have seen in a long, long time. I think it was then that I finally breathed.

She is there. All 9.8 mm of her. Her sac looks good. Her heart beat is strong and steady (no actual numbers but he said it was normal). She measured a day ahead.

Of course, I know that I am not out of the woods, but he said that most things that will go wrong will have done so by this point. I am clinging to those words, and for once I hope we don't fall on the wrong side of the odds. We've done that too much in our lives. This time, I want to believe that we will get to be the lucky ones.

It is time for the crap fest that has been our lives for so long to make its exit. (Hear that, universe?)

I got dressed, and then Is.aac and I met the RE in his office. He hugged us, telling us how excited he was for us. We talked about new medications (no more PIO shots for me--suppositories here I come!) and our next appointment.

But the thing that I am still thinking about is that he told me he admired my attitude. He said that my "glass is half full" approach to all of this madness was something he didn't see very often, especially in someone who has been around as long as I have. He said I reminded him of his favorite sister in our approach to life.

Wow.

We said our goodbyes while he handed my file to one of the nurses. She took us to her office to write the scripts and set up our appointment time. And then it happened again. She said she admired my attitude also! Dude.

I haven't felt like a positive person throughout this process, especially with this cycle. I've cried more tears than I want to admit. I have felt like there was no hope. I've wondered why I was doing this to myself and my family. Yet, they admire me?

Have I fooled them so totally that they didn't seem my doubts? Have I been so hard on myself that these feelings I've had are "normal" and I'm not the horribly weak person I think I am?

I haven't quite decided how to process that. It is something to think about, though.

You can be sure that I will be doing lots of thinking about what they said. While I am at it, I am going to marvel at the fact that I am pregnant. :-)

Thank you, everyone, for all of your support and kind words. I am incredibly blessed to have found you all.

Incredibly blessed.