Control

Thank you for the kind words about the last post. I am doing better emotionally today. I am still a bit fragile, but my head knows that I am doing what I can to give myself and the baby the best possible outcome.


The problem is I feel I've lost control. In my head, a controlled situation is a much safer situation. There are no surprises when things go exactly as planned, which is good because I now equate surprises with danger.


Don't get me wrong. I am smart enough to know I actually "control" very little in my life. There was a time when I thought I was in control. What I didn't realize was that I was only in control because things worked the way my mind thought they should.

It wasn't real, just merely coincidence and a whole lot of stupid luck.

Our lives over the past several years--the IF, the pregnancies and miscarriages, the boys' pregnancy, the NICU, my dad's death...all of it and more--has made that realization very, very clear.


Oh how I miss the feeling I was in control...even if it was only a delusion.


Sigh.