I mentioned last week that the boys had their last therapy sessions with Early Intervention. I got their "evaluations" in the mail this week, and I have to say that I was disappointed. I always think they low ball the boys' abilities. Whatever. They. Are. Rock. Stars.
I know what my boys are capable of, and that is what matters at the moment.
Except it isn't. Sigh.
As much as I want to, I can't keep the boys in my protective bubble.
Boo.
After a series of problems with our Regional Center (Early Intervention) we finally got our referral to the local school district for preschool. On Thursday, we take the boys to an "observation" by two psychologists and a speech pathologist to assess whether the boys qualify for services.
I am beyond nervous and a lot freaked out about the whole experience. If I am honest, I'll admit to being teary about it.
My whole being is screaming with the...wrongness of it all.
I hate that there are people whose job it is to pick apart my superheroes and find all of their weaknesses.
They won't focus on what can be done, only on what can't.
Yes, I get that they'll look for where the boys need the most help so they can address those weaknesses.
Yes, I get that (gasp!) these people might actually be able to help the boys achieve even greater things than they might have otherwise.
But, ugh. It feels awful to know that they will once again be judged..set apart...seen as different.
It breaks my heart.
As much as the mind knows I did everything I could--do everything I can to give my boys the best life possible, my heart still questions. It is times like these when the guilt ignites.
When I feel like I have failed them.
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My next appointment with Dr. Doom is Friday. It will be my first cervix check since the cerclage. Every little ache or strange sensation has me worried.
Please let my body be doing what it is supposed to do.
I don't know how I'll handle failing another baby.
((HUG))
ReplyDeleteYour boys ARE rock stars. Do nto let anyone tell you otherwise.
ReplyDeleteStacie~
ReplyDeleteYou are one of the most amazing woman that I *know*. You are a fantastic mommy and those boys are very lucky to call you their MOM! Keep up the great work and I can't wait to hear how the little one is doing.
~C
I can completely understand how you feel about the boys' evaluation and I'm I would feel the same way! You're doing a great job, hon. When that stupid guilt gets in the way, you shove it away with thoughts that you're an AMAZING mom!
ReplyDelete*HUGS*
Ok, this will be a long and babbling comment. I finally finished reading this blog (start to finish) and can relate on SO many levels. The guilt, the superhero child(ren), the not fitting in, the hydro, the shunt, the awful neurosurgery appointments, and the evaluations that focus all too much on what's NOT happening.
ReplyDeleteI just wanted to say that I'm stalking your blog now, and feel really invested in caring for you and your boys (and your new little one!) I literally teared up at your BFP, and can't wait to hear about how different your full-term experience is.
*hugs*
-Karen
Oh honey...you have NOT failed at any part of motherhood. Your boys wouldn't have achieved all they have without you in their corner. You ROCK and so do your boys.
ReplyDeleteYou haven't failed them nor have they failed.
ReplyDeleteFailing would only happen if you didn't try at all. Showing up is 1/2 of the game.
HUGE big hug Stacie. You are their super hero. ;-)
Oh my dear. You know how wrong that is - there is no failure here. It doesn't make the pain of feeling that fear go away.
ReplyDeleteYou have had my admiration since the day you saved them from a Ritz cracker. Now THAT is a mom.
all of what KJ said and more! way to go being the exact kind of mom they need!!!!
ReplyDelete