Not the Kind of Parent I Thought I'd Be

Every child grows and learns at his or her own rate. All that really matters is that they learn. I get that, I really do. If I had a conversation with you on this very topic, I'd even give you anecdotes and research confirming the validity of that theory. Shoot, I've lived this idea with the big boys.

And yet, I have to confess that I can't quite break myself from the panic that sets in when Jack doesn't meet a given milestone by a given time. If a baby site (like the bu.mp's month by month emails) says kids at a certain age should be doing xyz, holy hell I work myself up to a frenzy if Jack hasn't yet done whatever it was. Apparently, I am hyper vigilant about milestones this time around.

As much as I try not to, I start to sweat if he is two seconds late on reaching any given achievement. (Except walking. I am not concerned that he doesn't yet walk. Odd, right? You'd think I'd be really anxious about that one, but alas it doesn't phase me at all.) I research online, type in annoying questions such as "my son is only saying momma and dada should I be concerned" or "my child won't wave bye-bye." Most of the time, I can rationalize the answer before I even type in the stupid question, but I just can't seem to stop myself from doing it anyway. Sigh.

This afternoon, I tried calling Jack by his name only to be completely ignored by him. Over and over. Cue freak out. Again.

Back to go.ogle I went. Sigh. Up popped all of kinds of 'warnings for autism' sites, and well...I freaked even more. I even ended up taking a quiz.

In the end, I took him to his room and called his name and he responded appropriately. I was HUGELY relieved. Like almost in tears relieved. I guess trying to test his response to his name while the television is playing Bub.ble Gup.pies might not have been the most accurate of tests. What a surprise that as a male he'll tune the female out if he is absorbed by the television.

Even with all that is going right with our family right now, I can't shake the feeling that the other shoe is about to drop. A shoe that scares me most is one that would land on Jack. It's not because I love him more, because I can honestly say I don't love him more than his brothers. I have a connection and bond to Jack that is unique, just as the connections I have to each of his brothers are unique. None of those connections is greater than the others. None of those connections are any weaker, either. They are different but the same, if that makes sense.

I'm not the kind of parent I thought I'd be. My fear has made me hesitant and unsure at times. I question myself more with Jack than I did with the big boys. With the big boys, I was in survival mode and called getting through the day a success. With Jack, I'm not in survival mode. I can't merely make it through the day and feel like I am doing a good job as a parent. I want to do everything right...make everything go well...and I am incredibly hard on myself when things are not as easy or natural as my head says they should be.

All of this, I suppose, highlights my desperate need for Jack to be that taste of "normalcy" in a world that is often flipped and turned and upside down. (Please understand that I do think of the big boys as "normal," too, but parenting them has been not always been easy or what I'd consider the "norm.") The thought of that "normalcy" being taken away brings a lump to my throat and knocks the air out of me.

I know that it is beyond unfair to him (and his brothers) to place this kind of responsibility on him, but I have. I also know that the whole idea of "normalcy" is a fallacy. What's normal to you, may not be to me and all of that jazz...

But, even though I know all of that, I feel the need for normal all the same.