I know full well that my body just won't do it on its own, but I still can't let go of the hope that maybe, just maybe I could get pregnant the old fashion way.
I can't help bu think maybe we'd get lucky this one time.
To make matters worse, my stupid
Having hope quietly swell to a crest only to have it crash at my feet still makes me sad. And yes, seeing the bright red stain of failure still stings, three boys or not.
~~~
Right now, my refrigerator is fairly empty. I haven't had a chance to go to the grocery store, probably won't be able to until this weekend. Normally it doesn't make much of a difference outside of causing me to be a bit more creative when it comes to cooking. Today, however, an empty refrigerator means that there is nothing covering up the box.
The box that is usually hidden at the back of my produce drawer.
The box that holds a two-thirds full gonal-f pen I last used during the cycle that brought me Jack.
The box that I've been unable to get rid of all after of this time.
I've always known the medication is there, but it honestly never comes to mind unless I see it while stocking or cleaning out the fridge. I look at it wistfully while I push it to the back of the drawer.
Once, I even had it in my hand to go dispose of it. I made it only a few steps before I turned to put it back. I couldn't bring myself to throw it away then any more than I can bring myself to throw it away now.
I can't let that box or that pen, go because I can't let the dream go.
As time passes, I imagine that my hand will be forced soon enough. I mean, we've not used birth control since 2004, and I'll be 41 in a few months. It took seven IVF's to have two successful pregnancies. So in all reality, I know there isn't much chance. We'd need medical intervention to get pregnant, but I can't in good conscious spend that kind of money on another pregnancy attempt when I have the boys to consider.
Sigh.
So what do you do when you can't let the dream go?
I don't know.
I think you need to look at WHY you want another pregnancy/child to know what to do.
ReplyDeleteIf it's about proving something (that you can, that it can be healthy, etc), you need to let it go. If it's about the feelings of being pregnant again, you need to let it go. If it's ... well, anything except "because we have so much more to GIVE to another child" ... let it go.
If you really truly want another child, think you can do justice to it (considering potential outcomes, because you ARE in a much higher risk group now) then you have to weigh that against the cost. Go back to the beginning and think about other paths to parenthood and weigh those costs.
And go from there.
I am sorry...I don't know either. My heart aches with yours. xoHUGSxo
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry for the disappointment. Hugs.
ReplyDeleteI am craycray too. I started yesterday, and I was just SURE I could be pregnant, even had peed on a stick the day before. We have it in us for another child, but so much going on, now is not necessarily a great time. But- can't stop the craziness of wanting a miracle to happen on its own.
ReplyDeleteI am having trouble with that myself. We have beautiful twin boys who just turned 5. But I can't let go of the dream of having a girl.
ReplyDeleteWe tried 1 FET and 2 IVF's last year and all were a bust. Very disheartening. I will be 44 in June and I am finally realizing that a girl is just not in the cards for me. It is a bitter pill to swallow.
But just like you,even though I know the chances are nil, I still hope every month for a miracle. It's hard to let go of a dream.
Carrie
Coincidentally, I haven't been on contraception since fag-end of 2004 too.
ReplyDeleteIf the vials are usable and not of expiry date AND if you are sure you won't try again, you can perhaps think of giving them away. Them being there must be a constant reminder.
I have rummaged through some drawers to look at what 'supplies' I have and whether they are still usable.
If age was not a consideration, if the big 4 was not a relevant digit would you still try ART?
You can't close the book until you are ready. Our days are over, but we were ready. The risks of me being pregnant were too high and being here for my three was more important than that risk.
ReplyDelete