October

Dare I say that things are settling?

In a good way even.

Both the boys are finally doing well in school. My own classes have found their rhythm and are plugging along in a way that makes me feel good. If it weren't for yet another round of the SICK--seriously this is like the 9th cold they've had since school started, and I'd even say that this might be the worst one yet--I'd say that things are going smoothly at home, too.

I should have been starting to relax now that things have found their grooves. For some reason, though, I was in an even higher state of alert than I was at the end of summer.

I didn't want to write. I didn't want to do anything. I just wanted to be by myself, and it is taking a LOT of self talk to get out and do what needs to be done. While I am an introvert by nature, I never really had trouble doing things when something came up, so this was different. The way I've been feeling has been really off; I just couldn't understand what my problem was.

Then yesterday, it hit me.

This is the month. I can't believe I didn't realize it sooner.

~~~

Six years ago yesterday, I was admitted to the hospital where I'd spend the next 8 days desperately clinging to the hope I would remain pregnant for a long time to come.

Never once did I think about the calendar or the dates this year. The countdown to the boys' birth, which was always upfront in my mind in past years, never even occurred to me.

Interestingly, although my mind tried to "forget" that time, my body knew. I had a very visceral physical reaction, one that makes me wonder if I'll be okay this time of year ever again.

Will I ever really be able to avoid the punch to the gut this time of year brings? 

Sigh.

~~~

While a lot of that time has slipped into the recesses of my mind (thankfully), there are some things that are still fresh in my memory. I can't tell you any more who the nurses were, but I can tell you what the soap smells like and that it burned my raw and cracked hands every time I used it. I can't tell you about much of the other things I did daily for those 100 days, but I know the exact number of tile squares there are from the hospital door to the first elevator (238). I look at some pictures from that time and don't remember taking them, have no clue the context around what is shown, but it's been six years and I still have occasional moments when I'm haunted by flashes of fear and confusion that time held.

~~~

A week from today the boys will be six. They've been counting down for months; their excitement is almost uncontainable at this point. We have a quiet family celebration planned on Saturday. We're going to the zoo on their actual day. It will be a good weekend, I'm sure.

They're good.

I'm even good...mostly.


There's so much good on which to focus. Really there is. That's what I intend to start doing.