Their due date was this week. It quietly eased passed without anyone really even noticing.
Maybe this year I spent less time thinking about the what ifs.
Maybe I didn't have that familiar sour stomach that usually comes around this time of year.
Maybe it was just a regular day.
The same as every other day.
Only not.
I made cupcakes that day.
Told the boys I made them for no particular reason. They insisted there was a reason...cupcakes need a reason to be had, I guess, especially when made during the work week. In the end, I told them they were just so we celebrate us as a family.
I didn't have another reason. I don't really know why I made them.
Maybe I wanted some chocolate, my go to comfort food.
Maybe I just needed to.
Maybe there was a part of me that wished we were celebrating a birthday that day.
That we had no idea what words like prematurity and cerebral palsy would mean to our family.
Maybe I just needed to pretend for a second that things had gone just as we planned.
Maybe I'm not as okay about this day as I'd like to say I am.
Moving post.
ReplyDeleteSome how I don't think it ever got easier for me either as the years went by. I might not act like I did the first year after the loss but I still remember it and the due date though it has been 17 years.
ReplyDeleteYour boys are pretty intuitive that they needed a reason for the cupcakes. Lotsa love to you Stacie!
ReplyDelete