Thursday, August 6, 2009

I am just at a loss for why things always seem to go wrong in our lives lately. No matter what I do, everything falls apart. Why must anything good that happens be coupled with something horrible? I just don't understand.

I am hurt beyond belief. Broken. I thought that I was protecting myself from everything. The spotting scared me, so I tried to distance myself from being pregnant. But I've been having morning sickness at night. My boobs are sore enough to make me yelp when they get touched. There's the acne and the constipation. The hunger and the fatigue. I tried to just not think about it because doing so made me all excited--brought me such hope. I was losing the battle, though. Hope was there. I couldn't stay away from it after all.

For it to just bitch slap me once again.

There's a song that keeps running through my head. It's Oar's "Shattered." The first lines of the chorus say it all. This is the ending...

How many times can I break till I shatter?
Over the line can't define what I'm after
I always turn the car around
Give me a break let me make my own pattern
All that it takes is some time but I'm shattered
I always turn the car around

Give it up, give it up, baby
Give it up, give it up, now
Now

How many times can I break till I shatter?
Over the line can't define what I'm after
I always turn the car around
All that I feel is the realness I'm faking
Taking my time but it's time that I'm wasting
Always turn the car around

How many times can I break till I shatter?
Over the line can't define what I'm after
I always turn the car around

Don't wanna turn that car around
I gotta turn this thing around



I think shattered is a pretty accurate description of how I feel right now. I've certainly been broken enough for a lifetime.

Hope has left the building.

at

23 comments:

  1. lunaAugust 6, 2009 at 8:38 PM

    so sorry stacie.

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  2. Beautiful MessAugust 6, 2009 at 8:52 PM

    Sending you so much love!
    *HUGS*

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  3. ChristyAugust 6, 2009 at 9:08 PM

    Oh I'm so, so sorry that this is happening to you. So not fair. Thoughts and prayers are with you.

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  4. GeohdeAugust 6, 2009 at 9:50 PM

    Stacie....

    Oh, I am so sorry...

    Much love,

    g

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  5. MichelleAugust 7, 2009 at 3:10 AM

    Here is a hug.

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  6. edenlandAugust 7, 2009 at 4:18 AM

    I'm right here, next to you. XOXOXOX

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  7. MerAugust 7, 2009 at 5:57 AM

    I'm so sorry you're going through this. You're in my thoughts. This isn't fair.

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  8. catherineAugust 7, 2009 at 7:26 AM

    i am so sorry. sending you warm thoughts...

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  9. The Madeira TripletsAugust 7, 2009 at 8:09 AM

    Hugs--I wouldn't give up hope yet hon!! The times this has happened to us, I "knew" before the ultrasound--the symptoms went away, etc. That same thing happened again this time with this pregnancy when we lost the twin at 5.5 weeks--I swear I could tell the day it happened, since I felt so very different. It sounds to me like yours are still going strong. But of course it will be impossible NOT to think about this--I never could stop. Sending you much love...

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  10. K J and the kidsAugust 7, 2009 at 8:16 AM

    I just can't imagine the sadness. I am so sorry. I think about you daily and am sending ALL of the healing vibes I can. ((((Big Hug))))

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  11. ShinejilAugust 7, 2009 at 8:58 AM

    This just sucks. I'm so sorry you're facing this.

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  12. Lavender LuzAugust 7, 2009 at 9:16 AM

    I wonder if my sister's post (http://www.wildwomenuniverse.com/2009/08/intuitive-tuesday-on-wednesday-10-of.html) might offer you something.

    Abiding with you, Stacie. And giving you hugs.

    {{{hugs}}}

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  13. areyoukiddingmeAugust 7, 2009 at 9:25 AM

    I'm so sorry.

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  14. CaroAugust 7, 2009 at 9:25 AM

    I'm so very sorry

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  15. NeenieAugust 7, 2009 at 9:52 AM

    I just hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate that there are no words and just want to scream for you. I will never tell you I understand because I don't. I will never tell you it'll be ok because that's bullcrap comfort. It is what it is and it is just terrible. You have every right to feel the way you do and every right to just scream and yell WHY? WHY? WHY?
    I just hate it. Hate it. Hate it.

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  16. HeatherAugust 7, 2009 at 10:16 AM

    {{Hugs}}

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  17. -kAugust 7, 2009 at 10:41 AM

    Hugs, and more hugs.

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  18. JendeisAugust 7, 2009 at 12:03 PM

    I'm so sorry. This stinks.

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  19. annacyclopediaAugust 7, 2009 at 2:22 PM

    I'm so very sorry. Holding you in my thoughts today.

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  20. JenniferAugust 7, 2009 at 4:02 PM

    Love you Stac. Hang in there.
    Hugs,
    Jen

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  21. Hopeful MotherAugust 7, 2009 at 4:06 PM

    Sending you hugs, Stacie.

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  22. UnicornMommyAugust 7, 2009 at 5:26 PM

    dont give up. Hope is out there. Hiding maybe for now. but it's out there.

    When my Mom was taken from me so suddenly, I lost all hope. But it found me again.

    Hope is there.

    I'm so sorry things suck ass right now.

    As my Mom would say, this too shall pass. Doesn't help much now while things are so horrible. But she is right. This too shall pass.

    Hugs. Hugs and more hugs.

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  23. Carrie27August 7, 2009 at 7:09 PM

    Hope, what a bitch.

    Hugs.

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