Last night, I didn't set my PIO shot up before I got in bed. Is.aac has been coming to bed later than me and sort of wakes me up to give me shots. Anyway, he came in to get ready for bed and woke me to ask where the shot was. I told him why bother. He prepared the shot himself and gave it to me anyway.

But have I asked him his feelings about what we'll find on Sunday? No. I can't bring myself to. He hasn't brought it up either so we haven't said a single word since the appointment about what is going on. It has been thirty-six hours and nothing has been said.

Uncomfortable much?

I am doing everything I can to make sure that if the bean is fighting in here, he'll have a chance. I so want to go in there on Sunday and find a heartbeat. Please let there be a heartbeat. Let everything look wonderful and just as it should so I no longer have to worry about my bean. Please.

It is hard to say that because I KNOW I am just setting myself up once again for more pain. Part of me just wants to say fuck it and go on some sort of wild drinking binge (except I don't drink) because only when I do everything I shouldn't and potentially harm the bean would he be there on Sunday. Doing what I am supposed to do practically guarantees that I won't see the thing I want most that day. Does that make sense? My life is screwy that way. Sigh.

The day of my first beta was a therapy day. The nurse called to tell me the beta number and shortly afterward the RE called to talk to me, too. It was very obvious that something was up because not only does no one ever call me during therapy, but even I knew I was acting strange. I confessed to the therapist that I just may be pregnant. (she has a preemie that is the same age as the boys' adjusted age and has been trying for quite some time for number 2) Anyway, she confessed that she was 2 days late. We talked about how the competition is on to see who can stay pregnant longer (no preemies for us!) and pledged that we'd get uncomplicated pregnancies this time. You know, should betas double and she never get her period.

Last week I didn't see her. We had canceled therapy because I was supposed to be out of town. Today, she called and said she was running late, but she was on her way. No problem I tell her, I'd see her soon. Five minutes later, she called back. She said she had to go to the doctor right now and was cancelling. My heart sank. By the tone of her voice I just have this fear that something has gone wrong with her pregnancy, too. It just isn't fair.

I have to tell you that it is hard to wallow in self pity when there are so many other people you know of who are hurting, too.

Should there not be a heartbeat on Sunday, I will be crushed. I will cry. I will rage. But, I will pick myself up and try again. That is what I do. That is what everyone must do.

It isn't fun, and it isn't easy, but it has to be done anyway.