My coworker's quote was actually that she was "happy I was getting the chance to parent a normal child after dealing with special needs children." Couple that with the "I'm not sure if you're meant to be the mother to your own children or just your students" jewel said two weeks after my second miscarriage, and well, she is NOT my favorite person.
My brain says I need to just forget about her and what she said. I don't even like her, why am I still thinking about it?
My heart is wondering if those words didn't hurt me so much because they put a mirror up to my own feelings. Maybe I feel that way, too.
Do I?
Was my drive to have another baby so intense because I somehow wanted to be normal? Was I trying to replace my boys? Does that mean that I am unconsciously putting too much pressure on Jack to be "normal?"
And if I do feel that way, what exactly does that say about me? My love for them?
Then again, I wonder if it is so horrible to want the chance to experience normal. Does that desire to be just like everyone else imply that I am not satisfied with my boys? My life?
Sigh.
I've been stuck in a loop of these thoughts and worry. They play into the insecurities and doubt that always seem to be just below the surface of my consciousness, causing me to lose my voice. It's like I am afraid that whatever I say will somehow be wrong--so I say nothing at all.
It hasn't been pleasant.
Man do I miss the days when I was confident and carefree.
It doesn't help that I go back to work in two days. I have decided that I will try my best to avoid the bitchy coworker. It will be hard, though. Her class is directly across from mine.
My brain says I need to just forget about her and what she said. I don't even like her, why am I still thinking about it?
My heart is wondering if those words didn't hurt me so much because they put a mirror up to my own feelings. Maybe I feel that way, too.
Do I?
Was my drive to have another baby so intense because I somehow wanted to be normal? Was I trying to replace my boys? Does that mean that I am unconsciously putting too much pressure on Jack to be "normal?"
And if I do feel that way, what exactly does that say about me? My love for them?
Then again, I wonder if it is so horrible to want the chance to experience normal. Does that desire to be just like everyone else imply that I am not satisfied with my boys? My life?
Sigh.
I've been stuck in a loop of these thoughts and worry. They play into the insecurities and doubt that always seem to be just below the surface of my consciousness, causing me to lose my voice. It's like I am afraid that whatever I say will somehow be wrong--so I say nothing at all.
It hasn't been pleasant.
Man do I miss the days when I was confident and carefree.
It doesn't help that I go back to work in two days. I have decided that I will try my best to avoid the bitchy coworker. It will be hard, though. Her class is directly across from mine.
Your blog has been hating my comments for awhile now, so we'll see if this one goes through.
ReplyDeleteWanting "normal" - well, who doesn't? The desire to get pregnant is inherently selfish - we do it for us. Kids don't ask to be born. So what if you wanted a "normal" child to come out of it? Parenting is inherently unselfish - and you do that really damn well.
You love your boys. All of them. No need to feel guilty about #3 being healthy and enjoying that fact.
Just wanted to say thank you for the thank you note (for the Fertility Hope pendant.) I tried to leave a comment weeks ago but I don't think it worked. You were well deserving and hope you wear it with pride!! Patrice at Loves-Journey.com
ReplyDeleteNo and No.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry your co worker wasn't able to say things more gracefully. I don't think she was trying to hurt you....just wasn't tactful.
Coming up with the right words can sometimes foul us all up.
Instead of comparing.....just enjoy each one individually. Which as a mother of twins you know is REALLY hard.
Once you can enjoy each for what it is you can let go of the guilt of enjoying them for what they are.
Sweetie...you just wanted another baby. Anyone can tell how much you adore your two oldest boys. No questions asked. You just wanted another baby to complete your family.
ReplyDeleteBe kind to yourself and give yourself some credit.
It is ok. Completely ok. However you feel about things, it is ok. Truth is, it's not easy to see your kids go through surgeries. No matter how much people talk about the wonders of Holland instead of ...(I forget, is it Paris or Italy that the book compares it to?), it is still really hard to go through the worry you've had to go through about your oldest boys' health. And of course it doesn't mean that you aren't satisfied with the boys. It is clear that you love them. And there is nothing wrong with being relieved about having less worry this time around.
ReplyDeleteMaybe the issue is that this is being framed for you by your co-worker as a "normal" vs "not normal" thing. Really the issue seems to me to be about having fewer concerns about Jackson's health. And who wouldn't want that for themselves and for their kids?
You are doing great, and your feelings, whatever they may be, are fine. And you won't make the mistake of making Jackson feel like he has to be more "normal," whatever that may mean.
You love all of your kiddos and of course you compare them, you would no matter what their strengths and weaknesses were and are. I am sure this colleague has said many stupid things to other staff members as well, and seems to me to be an idiot.
ReplyDeleteYou're a fantastic Mom..I admire your honesty,you're one strong lady!! After reading your Blog, the Love you have for ALL of your boy's shines through!!
ReplyDeleteWe'd all like things in life to go easier, and be normal..but really~ what is normal?? :)
Stay strong~You're amazing in my book!!!
Take care~Sandy
I am speaking about a subject I have no knowledge about, but I do know you. Just the fact that you let that question register shows that you are not. You are the momma and you know each one is irreplaceable.
ReplyDeleteThat woman is a heartless bitch. Get to know her less.
For some reason I can't sign in and comment as myself (others are having the same problem on my blog), so here's hoping anonymous works.
ReplyDeleteThat woman is a BITCH. Plain and simple. I don't care if she didn't intend to hurt you, get a shred of tact or empathy or something. Gah. Makes me angry.
Secondly, how you feel about "normal" and how that relates to any of your boys is all expected, and NORMAL and full of love. You love those three boys to the end of the earth and that could not be more obvious.
Hugs!
Tracey (T5)
Your colleague is amazing. *sneer*
ReplyDeleteBut I now quite believe that people say whatever they think is apt, and they actually sometimes believe the crap they dish.
So sorry you have to deal with this.
Maybe you are not meant to be a mother? Who freckin' can judge that for us. Are drug addicts good candidates for parenthood? Coz they sure seem to have no issues.