A Change In Me

For the longest time, my life was meticulously thought out. I am a planner and list maker by nature, so I knew exactly what I was going to do, how I was going to do it, and when it was going to happen. There were some minor surprises thrown in along the way, but for the most part, everything went as expected.

It's amazing how much things can change in a few months.

My babies were born after trying to conceive them for three long years, eight weeks of which were spent on complete bed rest, I experienced a combo of PPD/PTSD from their delivery and the things that happened around that (and probably still am to some degree), we spent an eternity of 104 days in the NICU (when I had never been in the hospital in my life before their birth), I endured turmoil at school, my father passed, we struggled with Sh.awn's illness, and my mother got sick.

Some much happened in a little over a year, all of it taxing my emotions until I was almost at my breaking point.

I struggled daily with fear and heartbreak, internalized a lot of what was happening, tucking it away until I will be able to breathe long enough to sort out how I feel, and went about doing what I had to do to get through each day.

What else can you do when your life is in total upheaval?

But now the adrenaline is starting to fade. Life is starting to get a little less crazy. And now I am having trouble coming out of survival mode.

My problem is that I have been thinking about my life in terms of all of the horrible things that have happened, which leads me to waiting for that next "something" to happen that will cause everything else to fall apart, all while making me try my hardest to do whatever I can to prevent that something from happening in the first place. It is exhausting.

I don't like living like that. I want to enjoy things and not always expect the worst. I was never like that before all of this happened. I don't want to be now.

I do have plenty for which to be thankful. I know that. And for the most part, I am happy. When I look back over my posts lately, it doesn't really seem that way.

I am not sure how I am going to do it (and if you have ideas, they are welcome), but I need to try to stay focused on the positive in my life as much as possible so I can help myself come out of that place of doom and gloom.

So here is today's effort:

These Things Are Good:

• the smell of a freshly bathed baby, snuggling against my chest,
• watching my son's face light up when I go to pick him up,
• kissing their sweet little cheeks as I lay them down to sleep,
• seeing my cats curled up into a little ball together on the edge of the bed,
• listening to my husband's deep breathing as he lays in bed next to me,
• feeling his warm body against my back,
• and the sun shining on my face. (know where this last line comes from?)