Amazing!

Just when I thought I'd get some time to unwind, fate decided the boys should get some sort of germ from HELL. They were sick enough for me to have to cancel therapy (which I really did not want to do after all of the hassle).

The Sick is still around. They feel better, but they are still snotty and coughing. Sigh.

That will teach me!

I'll be back tomorrow. (Really this time!) Until then, I leave you with the amazing Ja.son practicing his rhyming.



Not too shabby for a not yet 4 year old if I do say so myself. He's been doing this for at least two months now. Maybe longer. It took me a bit before I sat and thought about how impressive it was. Lol.

Mama's really proud. :-)

P.S. It cracks me up that he rhymes "whore" with "door". You should hear what he rhymes with "kitchen"...

Bwahahahaha.

And NO I didn't teach him those words!

Friday Night Leftovers - The As Long As A Book Edition

• Sigh. Where to start?
• The boys FINALLY began their therapy sessions last week. They've been four times so far (1/2 hour sessions twice a week). I've only taken them once.
• The day I took them, I spent an HOUR working out the schedule for their therapy. An entire hour. It seems that they are surprised that juggling four different therapists and their assurances that it would be "no problem" to do so was way off base. For some reason, they WILL NOT do a standard time for appointments. They WILL NOT just say bring your boys at 3:30 every Wednesday and Thursday. Oh no. It has to be 3:30 on some days, 2:00 on other days, only PT on some days, only OT on other days, only three therapists available some days...I think you get the idea. It is maddening.
• It didn't help that the OT said only one thing to me the day I went and it was a criticism of Ja.son. She made a comment about how tight Ja.son was as he "struggled" to sit.
• Momma bear didn't take too kindly to that. Bitch, he sits just fine!
• Okay. I may have just thought that.
• Is.aac brought it up with the PT at the next appointment. The PT said she found absolutely NO evidence of tightness, and she had no idea why the OT would say something like that.
• Sh.awn's OT didn't know he couldn't walk. She tried to have him walk to her...
• Um, I'm not sure how she is working on goals for him if she hasn't even read his eval in the first place.
• Or maybe that is just me?
• Which, you know, makes a girl confident in the therapy her children are receiving.
• Now I'm fighting to get them in to the ortho for evals for bracing. That has been another fun adventure.

• Got a call from a news program last week (the one with two numbers that add up to 40). They wanted people to come talk to them about the case.
• Hell no, I won't go.
• As of last week, the program they were taping was going to air tonight. Thankfully, the program was about You Tube instead.
• But it is coming. Makes me worried about what they will say about us this time.
• It gets old hearing how everything was our fault. We have enough guilt over not protecting them without people who have no idea what really happened adding to it.

• Sh.awn threw up on Tuesday. I hate it when that kid throws up, especially when there is no other symptoms to indicate that the throwing up was from something normal and not from his head.
• Jack is teething again...still?...and has been a bear. He had a runny nose on Wednesday night. He was congested on Thursday night. I have finally decided he must have picked up a cold somewhere. Poor guy.
• Ja.son was up five differnet times last night. He woke up with a sore throat today. His nose was running by noon. Sh.awn's nose was running after naps.
• They both asked for Tylenol. (they asked before I had even gotten to that point)
• The good news is that Jack feels better today.
• Hopefully the big boys' colds will be as short lived as Jack's.

• How long does it take for your hormones to regulate themselves postpartum?
• I am in a funk that I can't shake. Is it still hormones? Is it something more?
• My cycles are still wonky, too. They have yet to return to normal with them switching between longer cycles to a shorter cycle to a more regular cycle. They are not at all regular.
• This funny business with my cycles makes me worried about what this may mean.

• It's my mom's birthday today. Is.aac's birthday is Monday. I've done nothing to prepare for either. Looks like I should get on that...

Soon

I'm alive.

Things are okay but crazy.

I feel like I am being pulled in a million different directions--making me lose my center and ability to focus. I end up just sitting on the couch like a lump unable to even think a coherent thought, much less write something.

Bleh.

I'm planning on hiding away in my bedroom tomorrow night so I can just...I don't know...I guess just BE.

It sounds so heavenly!

Random Thoughts

It is wrong that I secretly love that Jack gives my mom the evil eye all day, right?

I love that he sees me and his face lights up. The second I pick him up he laughs. He won't laugh for my mom unless I am there.

---

I need Jack's reaction to counter the big boys never wanting to come home. Sigh.

---

I still beyond annoyed about therapy. After a discussion between the two of us (which may have had lots of yelling and tears) it was decided that Is.aac was going to step up and take the boys to therapy on Monday.

I am having mixed emotions about it.

I need to be able to feel like I don't have the sole responsibility of the big boys' doctor appointments/therapy sessions. It is a lot of pressure, and I continue to beat myself up for anything (everything) that goes against the plan. But....when Is.aac does something like this, he is never very upfront with information. I have to practically beat it out of him. He doesn't see the importance in the things that ARE important, so he just "forgets" them.

It drives me batty.

Sigh. I need to give up some responsibility. He needs to take some. I just need to deal.

---

I am now up to 40 kids in one class. I have 36 kids in three classes. I have 27 kids in the last class.

So much for balancing.

Fortunately, the class of 27 has my most challenging students. I can handle a class of 27 attention seekers. It gets to be overwhelming when you get to 40.

---

It's freaking hot here. I actually took off my jacket for once! Lol.

---

Grr. Therapy RANT

The therapy unit continues to leave me wanting. Today, after a particularly frustrating twenty minute phone call, I just sat there and cried.

I just don't understand why everything has to be so HARD.

The boys qualify for two, thirty minute sessions of physical therapy and two, thirty minute sessions of occupational therapy a week. Great. Services. Just what we've been WAITING for since OCTOBER.

Since the beginning, the plan was that the boys would go twice a week (1/2 hour of PT and 1/2 of OT a day). They assured me that the boys would have therapy on the same days at the same time. It would be "no problem."

Only now they "can't" do that.

At first, they wanted me to come four different days a week to get them therapy. That's just plain absurd. I flat out told them that the goal of therapy was to HELP us, not negatively impact our lives to such an extent that we can do nothing else.

Then they decided that there are appointments in the morning. Could I come then? Frankly, I don't trust them to do what they are supposed to do right now, so you better believe I am going to be at these sessions until they make me feel better about what they are doing. That answer is no.

After way to much energy, I scheduled them for just next week. Monday is PT for both and OT for Sh.awn. Wednesday is PT for both and OT for Jason. To finish out their services, we would have to go back two other times next week, which of course, I am not doing. (You know, had this all started in the summer like I was told it would, this would be much easier to do. In fact, I was told that Ja.son's OT would be phased out relatively soon because he only had "minor tweaking" --and WTF to say my kid needs to be "tweaked" --to do for a short time.)

Pisses me off.

So, as I left it today, they were going to see if they could get them another therapist (what do I care? I haven't even met anyone yet!!) to make them easier to schedule at the same time.

I "get to" sit down and schedule everything in person on Monday. Joy.

Plus, I am annoyed at Is.aac for not stepping up and leaving all of this on my shoulders. He is not my favorite person right now.

You know, there comes a time when the fight is just beaten out of you.

I am nearing that point.

Sigh.

Oh, and just to solidify how fucked up all of this therapy mess is, the goals written for the boys are to be reviewed in October. They set reviews 6 months after therapy starts, only, you know, we haven't started it YET. UGH!!!!

SO PISSED.

If you know me on FB or read the other blog then you've already seen my most favoritest picture ev-ah. But that's okay. You can see it again. :-)

.

Oh how I love them so!

Leaving Jack

A few posts back, someone asked how I felt about leaving Jack and going to work. The short answer is that it has been really hard. It kills me to think that I'm missing out on the things he's doing at this time when every day brings something new for him. I worry that this may be my last chance to enjoy a baby--my baby.

When the big boys were babies, I was ready to go back to work. My maternity leave ended before they were even home from the hospital, so I took the 12 week extended (non-payed) leave to be with them when they came home. When that time was up, well, I couldn't wait to get back to work.

Sad, right?

It's just that everything about that time, and I do mean everything was so hard. My stress level was through the roof. I was depressed. I was grieving. I was in shock. I had PTSD.

There were doctor appointments and surgeries and therapies. The non-stop worry, not to mention the uncertainty, made me on edge all.the.time.

Work was a relief. It was an escape. I could almost call it a holiday. Even the trauma of being at a place that was shell shocked from a shooting was FAR less stressful than being at home.

I feel a bit guilty about admitting that, but it is what it is. Sigh.

I feel really guilty about wanting to stay home with Jack (and the big boys now too--they are at such a fun age!) when I couldn't get away from the big boys fast enough.

But oh how I wish I could stay home now.

I am seriously at awe at how easy it is to have this baby who rarely cries, eats fine, sleeps great, and doesn't have a trail of doctors following around after him. At any given time, he is meeting the expected milestones for his age and is even advanced in some areas.

Shockingly, I can just relax and enjoy.

Ah, it is so nice to relax and enjoy. That alone is so foreign to me that I have to fight finding things to worry about when it comes to him. (Confession time here: I had to buy an Angelcare Monitor because I just knew he'd stop breathing. When he first came home, I could NOT sleep unless he was right next to me. I'd wake every few minutes to make sure he was alive. There wasn't anything else to worry about, and that is the worst that I could think would happen. I became freaked about it. I still have a panic attack if I see he's been asleep and the monitor isn't on for some reason. Old habits die hard. Either that or I've truly lost my grip.)

My longing to stay home has darkened the beginning weeks of school. I'm having trouble getting back into teaching because my heart is someplace else.

I imagine (hope) that as time passes, it will get easier--the groove will return--maybe the desire will subside some.

Or maybe we'll hit a jackpot and I could be one of those lucky urban myths. You know the ones. They get pregnant with just plain ole sex. Now that would be amazing.

Friday Night Leftovers - Another Saturday Edition

Last night, Is.aac and I had a date night. A few hours of quiet. A chance to reconnect a little. We managed to get away just long enough for dinner, but it was glorious nonetheless. It was so needed.

I have just been this jumbled ball of...energy for the last few weeks. I am still struggling to find my groove. It is unsettling for me to be this off for this long. Usually, I'll have an off day or two every now and then, but I am able to bounce back fairly quickly...It is taking longer to bounce back from things now.

Is it stress?

Hormones? (good grief, I hope the hair loss ends soon. I swear I have only ten hairs left on my head right now) \

Both?

I need to start taking my vitamins again...I am sure that isn't helping.

Whatever it is, I am ready for it to be over and done with already.

---

I was pulling up to my mom's house yesterday, and there was a medical truck in front of the house. One of her neighbor's was in the doorway with the big boys. I could see my brother standing in the background, too. I started to panic.

I got out the car and ran up the driveway asking my brother what was going on. The asshole said they were taking my mom. I started shaking and was immediately upset. It didn't occur to me until several seconds later that there were no medical personnel. He said he was joking. "Can't you see her? She's fine." Ugh. I had to go to the bathroom to cry.

It wasn't funny. He can't understand why I got so upset or why I won't talk to him right now.

He's such an insensitive jerk.

How hard is it to realize that I don't know what I will do if something happens to her...

---

Anywho, work was calm yesterday. Hallelujah.

The boys are being rock stars per usual.

I FINALLY got a call on Friday to set up therapy for them. Of course, they called while I was at work, so I'll have to connect with them next week, but at least this is something.

And it is a three day weekend. Can't get any better than that.

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Stop by Danifred's for more leftovers. :-)

Not Over

Mist.rial.

Hu.ng ju.ry.

I don't know what that is going to mean...if we'll go through it all again or whether there will be a pl.ea ba.rgain offered.

Sigh.

It's all over the news, with one station's reporter standing in front of the sch.ool.

Looks like tomorrow's going to be fun. Great.


I suspected it would end this way. I hoped it wouldn't, but I am not surprised.