Friday Night Leftovers - The Back to School Edition

• Week #1 of school is officially under my belt. It's been a hard transition for me this year. By this point in previous years, I was already wrapping my mind around lesson plans and seating charts. This year, I can't quite find a groove. Hoping this next week brings the energy I'm missing.
• My butt is kicked. I'm at the so tired but I can't settle enough to go to sleep stage.
• I sent out a last minute email to parents just before I left work at 5:30. It had been a very long day, and I was ready to get home.
• Felt a little sick to my stomach a half an hour later when I realized I used the wrong freaking "its" in the very first line. Just what you want to see from your child's ENGLISH teacher!
• That's what I get for trying to be proactive.
• Sigh. I suppose it's too much to ask for parents to not know the difference this one time.
• I am now up to 38 kids in three classes. My lowest class size is 34. I am told they are going to "balance" the class sizes once the math classes have finished giving their placement tests. My guess is that when they do "balance" the classes it isn't going to help me much.
• In one class, I have 4 students named Luis, 4 Josephs, 2 Michaels, 2 Alexises, and 2 Jazmins. Good grief. How am I ever going to keep them all straight!? To keep things interesting, two of the Luises have the same first and last name. I've resorted to assigning them a number to add to their name so I can keep their work separate. We shall see if it works.
• The big boys are really loving going to my mom's everyday while I'm at work.
• Jack is not loving it so much. The second he sees her, he gives her the evil eye. It's hilarious to watch him with his furrowed brow as he looks at her. If I walk through his line of vision, he breaks out in a huge grin. When he sees her, the frown returns. I think today is the first day he didn't cry. Poor baby.
• It's great to see his happiness when he sees me, though. Such a nice thing to come home to. :-)
• I'm watching a "Roseanne's Nuts" marathon on television. For some reason, that show is cracking me up. I love Roseanne's boyfriend. He seems really sharp and pretty funny. He's so not what you'd expect Roseanne Barr's boyfried to be...

Stop by Danifred's for more leftovers.

Two Days Down, Many More to Go

Thank you so much for the understanding on the last post. Wouldn't it be nice if we could have the best of both worlds without having to worry about the little things like paying bills?

Ugh. If only it would be that simple.

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The school year officially started yesterday. Today, the kids made their appearance. My classes are large and range from 34 to 38 students per class. I only have reservations about one class, which is doable for the most part. (Seriously, can't the admin understand that a class with 26 boys! and only 6 girls! might be on the tough side? Add into the equations that four of the said males are NOTORIOUS for being...shall we say...deserving of lots of extra teacher attention. You can bet I am going to see what I can do to fix this breakdown in the scheduling system.)

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Jack and my mom are having a showdown of sorts. He has decided she is queen evil and has been a beast child. The second he sees her, he furrows his little brows and puts out that sweet little lip of his. When I leave, he just cries himself to sleep.

He is not a fan of me working it seems.

That is NOT helping the whole guilt thing I've got going.

The big boys, on the other hand, think they are in high heaven. They love being at grandma's house. In fact, when I got there to pick them up today, Sh.awn told me to go back to work! The little shit.

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The tr.ial should have closing statements this week. The inve.sti.gator text me to say the de.fense teamed managed to convince the judge that the jury should be allowed to consider a mansl.aughter charge along with the f.irst de.gree mu.rder charge set forth by the pro.se.cution.

This is a huge change.

It's the difference between life in pr.ison with NO possibility of pa.role, and the possibility of pa.role before he is 40.

I've thought a lot about my tes.timony since the day I went. I was able to discuss quite a few topics that were contrary to the prosecution's stance. I talked of my feelings about his family...and the conscious effort I made to not say something in a way that would anger the father. I sensed that he had a horrible temper, so I was very careful. I never saw a mark on his child. Was never told that things happened at home. (and I looked for signs) But there was something that told me he was unsafe. (Not to me. He was very respectful to me directly, but I was worried about my student.)

They asked me if I was a man.dated reporter. Of course I am. They asked me to explain what that meant. I did. I explained I never had any proof that something happened, just a sense...a feeling that he could be aggressive. I can't report a feeling.

But then I was asked if I had ever asked the def.endent directly about abuse.

I didn't. To be honest, I had never even considered asking if something was going on at home. I doubt he would have told me the truth. It likely would have changed his attitude toward me, therefore making my attempts to help him useless.

But what if I did ask? What if he would have said something? Would this tr.ial been a non issue? Could that one little question have save lives?

That haunts me.

(Sorry about the periods. I am wildly paranoid about what I say on this matter.)

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As you can see, I find new and unusual ways to torture myself. I'm awesome like that. :-/

The End of Summer

Welcome ICLW'ers! This is always a favorite part of the month for me. I love getting the chance to find new blogs and reading new stories. :-)

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Tonight is my last night of summer. Tomorrow, I reenter the working world.

I am beyond sad. I love what I do, but I would love to get the chance to stay home with the boys for a while longer. I worked so hard for them...

I wish that we were in the position of me being able to be a SAHM.

That's not exactly possible when it is my paycheck that covers the mortgage. Sigh.

I used to be of the "Women can have it all" camp. Well, maybe I should say that I guess I mostly still am.

Except maybe I can't?

I know some women are able to excel at work and come home to excel there, too. It has become clear that I am not one of those women. I know my reality.

There is only so much of me to go around. It's a shocking realization for me and something my perfectionist personality struggles with on a daily basis.

I can only do so much.

Better yet...

I can only do so much.

I am no superwoman for sure.

If I give my all at work, I am damn tired when I get home. I end up feeling like I am cheating my boys.

They deserve more than that.

So I keep going, trying to make up for lost time with them, and ultimately leave little for myself, not to mention Is.aac.

I just can't keep that up for very long. Something always has to give. When you are surrounded by kids all day, there just isn't any good place for that giving to happen. Sadly, it ends up being my family who suffers.

Or is it only me?

If it didn't tear at me that I was losing all of this precious time with them while they are young, maybe I would feel more at ease?

I do hope that once the year gets started I'll get more excited about being there.

I love what I do. Really.

But I think I'd just love staying home more. And if you knew me, you would probably be surprised that I would ever say that.

It surprises me, actually.

The Box

An ugly post, with ugly feelings. Feel free to skip it and come back another day if you're not up for it. I am okay, just feeling sorry for myself and my boys.

At the fair yesterday, I had Ja.son in the stroller, pushing him toward the livestock area. Is.aac was holding Sh.awn, who was completely overwhelmed by the chaos around him, following behind us. When I finally reached our end destination, I looked up to find Is.aac and Sh.awn gone.

I sent him a text to tell him where we were at.

He responded by calling me an ass and saying he was pissed that I left them.

Not one of our his finer moments to be sure.

It was a simple misunderstanding. Not even something that should have registered on our radar. I went where I thought we were going; he stopped where he thought we were going. It was nothing more than that.

But, I am hugely hurt by it all, even though he has since apologized (today). It isn't even the argument anymore, exactly. The more I think about it, the more that incident highlights the internal struggles that have been just below the surface for a few weeks now.

The "misunderstanding" so to speak of where I thought we were going compared to where we actually ended up.

I thought I had made my peace with things. I had taken all of the hurt over the issue, neatly packaged it up, and put it in the dark recesses of my brain. Then I put a few heavy bricks on top of it for good measure. Keeping it there prevented it from sneaking up on me. It came out only if I let it.

The very physical reaction I had to the thought of going to the BlogHer special needs session knocked the bricks off the box.

Fighting with Is.aac, moved the box front and center.

Tonight, without warning, the box has been opened. All of the pain I'd carefully hid away came flooding back.

I thought I was okay.

As usual, I found out that I am not.

The guilt has hit full force. Oh how I hate myself for causing* their struggles--our struggles.

My head...my heart...my entire body screams that things are not how they are "supposed" to be. Where we are is not where I thought we were headed--where we should be. Things should be different. Easier. Less. More.

I hate myself for thinking it, for wishing things were different.

I hate feeling that because I continue to struggle with this issue, I am sending the message that I am not okay with my boys. How could it not, when knowing that if I wished this away, it would change them?

Right now I can't "just" embrace the challenges in our lives, work through them, and see how blessed we are. I am feeling sorry for myself and my beautiful boys. I'm seething with an intense anger at the universe because my family has to fight for every single fucking thing we have.

Right now, I am wallowing in the pain, holding on to the anger. I am grieving the loss of "typical" one more time, even though I hate that it will not likely be the last time I grieve.

Right now, I am feeling oh so very alone.

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Soon, I'll be strong enough to capture these emotions and put them back on the shelf in the corner. I may be quiet for a few days, though, until I can make that happen.


*Yeah, yeah. I didn't cause the boys to be born early...blah, blah, blah.

Friday Night Leftovers - A Little Bit of Everything

Thanks again to Danifred for hosting. :-)

• I can't seem to write a BlogHer reflection post. I've attempted to several times, but there is so much to process that I just never get very far.
• I met some amazing people, went to some awesome sessions, got a butt load of swag, and learned a lot. It was an experience I won't soon forget.
• One thing that still bothers me, though, is that I couldn't bring myself to go to the Special Needs Mini Conference. I just could. not. go. It seems that I still have some issues to work through here. Sigh.
• I hate that there are always issues for me to work through!
• The big boys have been glued to my side since I came back on Sunday. The were very used to me being with them all the time. They did not like it when I wasn't. My going back to work in ten days is going to be quite the adjustment for them.
• Boo. Summer vacation is over in 10 days.
• Apparently Jack doesn't know how to poop unless I am there to personally witness it. He did not go the entire time I was gone. Monday will forever be known as Poopalooza 2011. I'm just saying.
• Is.aac and I will be taking the big boys to the county fair this weekend. I can't wait! It should be really fun. (fingers crossed)
• Closing arguments should be next week. The defense investigator asked us to return to court when they start to show our support. I am torn about whether I want to go. Sigh.

Oh, and...

• I was three days late to start AF. I took a test and cried when I saw that stark white window. What the fuck is wrong with me?

BlogHer 2011

I'm here at BlogHer. I still can't believe it. I stepped out of my normal MO and went away for the weekend BY MYSELF! I am still amazed that I did it.

I am having a blast, too. I've been lucky enough to meet some very amazing people. Famous ones at that! And what's even crazier, is that they knew me. OMG. It has been awesome!

But do I have pictures?

Of course not. (I'm going to try to remedy that this evening.) :-)

Seriously, I am so happy that I pushed myself to do this. I am so happy that I have a family who picked up the slack while I am gone and encouraged me to go. I am just happy.

It feels really good, too.


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Exhale

Let's add this experience to my expanding list of things I never want to do again.

To put it bluntly, I am now a card carrying member of the "I hate the prosecutor" club. She was pretty nasty, for no reason other than to be mean it seemed to me. There are ways to do what she had to do without being a bitch about it. She seems to have made this case about her being "right" at all costs rather than about seeking the truth. It's sad, really.

I worried about seeing him...worried about how I would react. I almost cried when he got his cheesy grin on his face when he saw me. That is the kid I knew. He was that 13 year old I remember in a big ole body. That kid, with a goofy grin, who just wanted some attention. It was so good to see that he was okay.

It was so heartbreaking, too. Seeing him. Knowing that he could very well spend the rest of his life in prison. Ugh.

I got home about an hour and a half ago. I am still really wound up, so I am trying to relax some before Is.aac brings the crew home from my mom's. The adrenaline high is still pretty intense at the moment, though.



Today's our anniversary...should probably think of some way to celebrate that, too.

Still A Go *Edited

Still on for tomorrow. We have to be there at 8:30, and I'm up first. Please let me be articulate and calm...

Shit. All I want is to not say something stupid that will end up getting me in trouble* in some way. That's not too much to ask, right?

Scratch that. I want to help...let what I have to say help in some way.

Oh, the judge denied using our first names and last initials. Great.

*By trouble I just mean saying something that will end up being used against me within my district, not trouble in the sense I did anything wrong. My district isn't the best at forgetting things that make them look bad if you catch my drift. And while I have no issues with job security at this point, they can still make things difficult if they chose to. My plan is to just think my answers through before I say them out loud. At this point, that's all I CAN plan on!

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Edited to add - You know what you don't want to see right before bed when you are going to testify first thing in the morning? A newstory talking about more "angry teachers to testify tomorrow." Sigh
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