#Microblog Monday...Oops, Tuesday

While watching television a few weeks ago, the host of one of those celebrity gossip shows was interviewing a number of hair and make-up artists. At the close of the show, the host asked the beauty experts to give their favorite tips. One tip caught my attention, even though it was given as an almost afterthought. "Condition first," the guy said.

There was no further information. There was just the simple "Condition first."

To Google I went. Sure enough, there were a number of posts about reverse hair washing. It is actually a thing. The basic steps are pretty simple: put on your conditioner, leave it on your typical amount of time, add your shampoo, lather, and rinse. Easy.

So, I tried it. And I like it!

I have to admit that it feels odd to all of sudden change my usual routine. Once I got past the weirdness of it all, it really was no big deal. 

My hair is definitely on the thin side, but with this whole reverse washing thing, I actually have body when I'm done. It's still soft and manageable. I have less frizz. I've even been asked several times if I got my hair cut since I started reverse washing. (Um, nope. My last cut was at the end of October.)

Go figure! All these years on Earth, and I didn't even know how to wash my hair! :)

Stop by Mel's for more #Microblog Monday posts.

Good Things

Jen at Here We Go Again had a post about things she loved. She asked her readers to post in the comment section about things they love, too. I think this is such a fun idea and a great way to learn about new things I might like to try, so I thought I'd do a similar post here. (I hope you don't mind, Jen!)

These are the things I left in the comment section of Jen's post:

• The first is a different type of snap hair clip that actually stays in my fine hair. Rather than the usual one prong, this clip has three prongs. My Target sells them in black, which is how I found them. I love these things.
• The second thing is something I got to solve an issue my boys have drinking from a plastic bottle (water bottle, etc) whenever we are out and about. Essentially, this is an adapter system that fits on most juice/water bottles that converts the opening of the bottles to noless-spill drinks. Plus, the adapters are small enough for me to keep in my bag without taking much room. We've used them a lot. :) 

Those two things immediately popped into my head that day, but I've been thinking about more things I love ever since I read her post. 

• The CoverBot External Battery - We are a techy family, and Is.aac and I use our phones a lot to take pictures, text each other when we divide and conquer or crew, and yes, sometimes to distract our children when we have various appointments to attend. This little gadget has saved us many a time when we need a quick recharge while out. I love that it has two USB ports and can easily charge the phones or  iPads (or LeapPads) if needed. I loved these things so much that I gave a bunch of them out as Christmas gifts two years ago!

• 4 Port USB Wall Charger - One outlet. 4 things charged at once. Love.

• Eggsact Egg Timer - Stick this thing in the pot with the eggs when you start them cooking and leave. Take them off the stove when the color has reached the appropriate level of doneness. I've had it for years, and it works every time. (Been cooking a lot of eggs lately.)

• Laminator - I'm a teacher, what can I say? lol. I have one at work and one at home because you just never know when something will need to be laminated. :) This year I'm also giving one of these to the boys' teachers at school. (Only I paid less than half of the price I linked. Watch this product, it goes on sale fairly frequently.)

Now it's your turn. I know not many people comment here any more. Heck, maybe they never visit either? Still, if you're out there, I'd love to see what things you're loving right now.

Random Thoughts About Dreams

This article came up on my FB feed the other day. Generally I'd bypass this type of thing, but the teaser about things that influence my dreams caught my attention. Most of the list didn't interest me, but the section that talked about your sleep position affecting your dreams gave me pause, especially because I now sleep on my (according to this list) infamous left side.

Lately, my dreams have been crazy. I mean, my dreams are pretty wild on a regular basis, but when I am stressed, my dreams are ramped up to the nth degree. Unfortunately, I've fallen into a cycle of going to bed exhausted, running from things chasing me all night long (which is a common dream although there are other fun ones mixed in), and then waking up just as exhausted.

I have no idea if the study linked in this article has been debunked or even replicated, but it is an interesting thought. Of course, I also found a study that said night owls are more likely to experience nightmares. Apparently I'm screwed twice over. lol

Oh yeah, and there is that stress I'm feeling at play, too. I'm screwed over thrice! I can't win here!

So what about you guys. Anyone else a left side sleeper with vivid dreams? Any night owls plagued by nightmares?

Yay! I'm Not Alone!

Thank you for your comments on my last post. I find this kind of thing fascinating, and it is nice to know I am not alone in my food eating quirkiness.  :)

Megan brought up an interesting point in her comment. She said, "There are certain foods that have to be eaten certain ways, though. Like you have to stick a fork tine through the hole in penne pasta, you can't jab it. You have to eat candy corn one color at a time."

Megan, you are so, so right. There are certain foods that must be eaten in certain ways. Let's explore a few of my OCD food eating processes.

M&M/Skittles eating

I'm starting with this one because a friend on FB had a discussion on this, and I'd guess many people have a certain way to eat these. First, I must separate all the candies into groups by color. Then, starting with the group with the most candies, I eat the entire color group by twos until I either no longer have two of the same color or that color is gone. I work my way through the other colors in the same fashion. When all I have left is the remainders in each color group, I'll sometimes pair and eat them. Most often, though, I become generous (ahem) and share with my husband :)

Chocolate covered candies

If at all possible, I must completely eat the chocolate off before I eat the insides. For example, if I am eating a chocolate covered caramel, I eat all the chocolate off of the caramel and then eat the caramel.

Tortilla chips

First I eat all of the unbroken chips. I try to eat them in two bites (I have no idea why) by placing the largest end of the chip in my mouth for the first bite. That generally leaves a fairly small remainder for bite number two.

After all the whole chips are gone, I'll eat the broken chips. 

Burritos

With a fork, I open the burrito so I can eat all the insides first. I eat the tortilla last.

~~~

Okay, I'm stopping there. I'm sure there are others I could add, but writing those out made me feel crazy enough!

Which foods do you have to eat in a certain way? Come on, there has to be something! ;)

Maybe It Is Insane

I generally have the same lunch every day. This is partly because my lack of extra time in the mornings. Having the same thing definitely makes lunch making a breeze. It is also because I am not, nor have I ever been, an adventurous eater. I do, however, have different orders in which I eat my lunch depending on how my day is going.

Bad day = dessert first. For the bad days, clearly there is a need for a pick me up and dessert is certainly a start. The closer we get to the end of the school year, the more often I indulge in dessert first thing.

Okay/normal day = sandwich first. I tend to start with the sustenance to give my stomach something to do. The benefit it twofold: 1) I get to stop that incessant grumbling my stomach starts to make approximately 20 minutes before the bell rings for lunch, and 2) it gives me a base so I can slow down enough to talk to colleagues and enjoy the lunch break.

After I start, my eating guideline dictates that I completely finish one food before I eat another. I also try my hardest not to let my foods touch. If I could, I'd even go so far as to serve myself one thing at a time and eat it before returning for a serving of something else.

My husband thinks this is insane. (Maybe it is insane, but it's my insanity.)

While I am content to eat the same things over and over, he's more of a different food everyday for the rest of his life if he could swing it kind of person.

I read somewhere (sadly, I couldn't find the article) that those who eat the same things when out at restaurants are generally more content in life. The premise was that those who constantly seek to try new things do so because they are always after something more or better. Sticking to the tried and true meals you love is akin to being satisfied with what you have. It's an interesting thought, I guess.

So what food quirks do you have? Do you do anything as crazy as I do?

Randomosity

I counted it up. We'll have 30 appointments (plus ophthalmologist appointments for both big boys and the orthotics fitting at least) before summer ends. Not counting weekend days, we only have 54 days of summer. That's an appointment every 1.9 days.

Of those appointments, not a single one is for me. (Or Is.aac for that matter.)

Yeah.

No wonder I've felt so run down. (Well, that and I need to take iron again.) I'm practically working more schlepping the boys around to different appointments now than I do when I work at school.

~~~

37 days until the boys start school. I'm excited for them. I am a nervous wreck about it, too.

~~~

Sh.awn asked me, "Mom, do you know what you know?" How do you answer that kind of question?

Good grief.

~~~

We have made our plans to go back to Sea World in a few weeks. We're going to stay at a hotel for three nights, which makes the boys wildly excited.

I'm a tad bit nervous, but I am putting off really thinking about it until a few days before we go. Otherwise I'll drive myself crazy with the details.

~~~

Is.aac is leaving this Thursday to go to Vegas with his buddy for the weekend. Anyone besides me think that is just a tiny bit unfair? Ahem.

~~~

I've read several books over the last week and a half. It has been glorious. I love reading, but that is always the first thing to go when things get crazy. It's nice to be able to lose myself in some adventure every now and then.

Anyone have any book suggestions? I don't want anything too serious (I've got enough of that in my regular life!), and I am not a huge science fiction fan. Other than that, I'll read pretty much anything.

~~~

We had some people over on Saturday. They have a two year old who is just three months younger than Jack. It was crazy to see how much bigger Jack was than an average kid. Jack had a good 4 inches on their little girl and outweighed her by a good 7 or 8 pounds. Wow.

I know he's big and all, but I guess I never really thought how big compared to other kids.

(Plus it was nice to see that he was pretty comparable skills wise. The other kid jumps and that's about all the difference between the two. Whew.)

~~~

And if you would, keep your fingers crossed for me.

Transition Pains

Nothing reminds you that your are full of crap like a dose of reality--or in my case several days worth of doses.

Apparently I underestimated how the boys' transition to having me around full time would go. I also didn't anticipate how much I would struggle with being home among people who constantly fight, yell, and generally make everything a hundred times more difficult than it needs to be. I suppose I envisioned we'd get right to the business of having loads of fun! and getting along! and doing amazing things! the second vacation started. Okay, fine. Maybe I wasn't naïve enough to believe we'd all be shitting rainbows, but I have to admit that I just wasn't expecting the drama.

Holy Hell the last several days have been painful for all of us. It's been six LONG days, people! (All of you stay at home moms can laugh now. It's okay. It won't bother me.)

I've been called mean. (But was told I was still loved.)

They've told me far too often that they were bored even though I'm trying to mix it up and keep things interesting. We went on a treasure hunt one evening. We've played outside in the dirt. We've done bubbles and art and watched movies and read.

Sh.awn has made it his mission to annoy Ja.son in every way possible. If Ja.son is building a traffic jam (or whatever it is that he's doing), Sh.awn tells him he's going to mess it up. He'll make moves toward Ja.son to act like he's really going to do what he says. That sends Ja.son over the cliff. They yell.

Sh.awn finds a toy that's been out of circulation for a bit, and Ja.son will make it his mission to take the toy away. Sh.awn freaks out. They yell.

Jack is in the stage where he has a meltdown any time I have the nerve to utter (or even imply) the dreaded "no" word. He does not want to be redirected. He wants to do what he wants to do. The boy is two. He's into everything. He climbs. I end up having to say no a lot. He has a lot of meltdowns.

Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

I feel really bad because I shouldn't be this crazed with only three kids. I mean, I regularly have 40 students around me at any given time, and I swear I get less stressed than the last six days have made me!

It hasn't helped that we have had an appointment every day since vacation started.

Sigh.

Yesterday I broke down and went to Target to get a whiteboard. Knowing the big boys do so much better when they know what's coming, I wanted to have a way to write the daily schedule for the boys to look at. I figured not having to answer that question three million questions about when we are going to do xyz would go a long way toward protecting my mental health. Ahem. I also wanted to be able to schedule time for me to get something done around the house without them asking for me to stop and play give them a designated time for solitary play.

Day one was yesterday. I managed to keep my sanity.

Day two was today. It was a much better day. I didn't feel the need to run for cover the second Is.aac walked through the door. Score.

I'm keeping my fingers crossed about tomorrow. It will be an appointment free day for once.

Tell Me

Could someone please tell me why...

...my kids always, yes always, seem to wake me up in the middle of the night when I have a big day the next day. Last night Ja.son woke me up at 4 am to tell me his lip was bothering him. I gave him chapstick and put him back in bed. Come to find out in the morning, he had peeled some skin off of his lip in the middle of the night. Sh.awn had a night full of night terrors. Sigh.

...a bee flew straight at my eyes this afternoon, and I kid you not, got stuck between the pieces of my glasses. First of all, thank God I was wearing my sunglasses. Second of all, ew. So glad I somehow got the stupid thing out without getting stung.

...does that kind of thing happen to me? It's crazy. I'm like a freak accident magnet.

...when I am free and able/ready to read blogs, etc., it is always a slow day on the net? lol.

...the morning comes so soon every. single. day. Oh what I wouldn't do for just another hour before that alarm rings.

What are you wondering about?

That Twin Thing

Yesterday, the big boys were going to spend the night at grandma's. The plan was that I come home from work, stay to play with the boys for a while, and then take Jack home with me so the big boys could stay overnight at my mom's.

Jason was super excited at the prospect and has been asking to stay for weeks now. Shawn said he wanted to stay the night, too, but he quickly changed his mind once I got there. At that point, Shawn decided that he wanted to go home with me instead of having a slumber party at grandma's. No biggie.

I have to say that it was strange with just Sh.awn and Jack. It was quiet...er in some ways, yet much louder in others. Still, two munchkins to chase around the house is exponentially easier to manage than three. Go figure.

The thing that was striking to me, however, was how Sh.awn spent his evening. The boy was on fire! He was talkative and happy and active in a way that I don't often see. I'm not kidding when I say the was non stop the entire evening. It was very un-Sh.awn like in a very nice way.

Usually Ja.son is the attention seeker. He's louder, faster, and more demanding than Sh.awn. Sh.awn often sits back and lets Jay make decisions about what they'll do, or Sh.awn will just sit and play quietly in the corner while Ja.son does whatever he wants. Sh.awn seems content in that role and will often deflect the decision making to his brother. I do my best to make sure that Sh.awn gets his chance to make choices about  play, but it is difficult to referee in their relationship all the time (and I don't think that would be a good thing even if I could).

Without the twin dynamic, Sh.awn was like a different kid. (Now, I'm not sure if he would always be this animated if he was a singleton.It really could have been a fluke due to the novelty of the experience, because I know that his personality is definitely more laid back and hesitant than what I saw last night.)

It makes me question how different life would have been for him had he been a singleton. There is no doubt that he would have received twice as much attention than he did thus far. How much more advanced would he be had he had our undivided attention during his early days? I can't know the answer to that, of course, but the way he blossomed leaves me wondering.

Then again, I do think Sh.awn (they) gained a lot from having that other person always there. They learned from each other. They motivated each other. They competed with each other. Those benefits definitely can't be discounted.

This experience has cemented my resolve to give the boys, and in particular Sh.awn,  more opportunities to develop their own unique identities. As much as they need to be together because they do have that twin bond, they also need (deserve) the chance to experience life without the influence of the other because of that twin bond.


I'd love to hear from you. How do you do it, multiples moms? How do you make sure each kid gets his or her own chance to be independent while fostering that bond? If you're not a mom of multiples, and you have some ideas, I'd love to hear from you, too.

Random Thoughts

Is.aac is off at his friend's house for the evening. The kids are all in bed, which means I'm here in a quiet house. I love the quiet. It gives me a chance to write and reflect

~~~

There are a lot of times when I feel myself being ruled by fear and shyness. To counter that, I try very hard to do the things I'd really like to avoid, not because I am trying to be strong but rather because I know that it would be easy for me to just wall myself up in a cocoon and not do anything at all. Some days take more fighting than others.

Today took a lot of fight.

~~~

Lately I've been wondering where I fit in. That's probably because I have no idea where I fit anymore. I don't know how to describe the feeling other than to say that it just feels like no one truly gets me. Can we all say midlife crisis?

~~~

I found some shoes today that share my name. It's almost like purchasing these shoes is a must. I mean, we have the same name! Plus they are on sale. It would be worth it just to be able to tell people they were made just for me. I could make up a story about how the designer must have met me somewhere and was so inspired by me to make a shoe for me. It could even be true. How would I know? lol

Sadly, they don't have my size. Oh well.

~~~
Random thoughts for a quiet night.

Thoughts About Birth Order

There is a teacher at school who subscribes to the theory of personality is influenced by birth order. Every year she polls all of her students and notes each child's birth order. Every year I hear about the class full of last born students who "never do their homework and always play around," or the class of mostly first born students who totally rock and are overachievers.

Usually I paste a look of interest on my face and then retreat to the inner workings of my mind (or mentally play Scramble because I am odd like that) and half listen to her talk. She'll drone on until she has had her say and then moves on to her next target friend with whom to chat. I'll go on my merry way and pretty much forget what it was she wasted ten minutes of my time telling me.*

Today, though, something she said (and sadly I'm not even sure what it was), caught my attention and made me start thinking about birth order--in particular, how birth order relates to my own family.

I am the youngest of three. My two older brothers are eight years older than me. Both of them had left the house by the time I was in sixth grade. I always said growing up that it was more like I was an only child rather than the baby of the family. When I checked what the birth order characteristics of an only child are, they described how others perceive me and maybe, if I am honest, how I see myself.

Is.aac is also the youngest of three, although there is only three years between him and his oldest brother. He exhibits the characteristics of the CLASSIC youngest child. Seriously. It's freaky how accurately it pegged him.

Sh.awn is our first born, a distinction that I am actually glad was bestowed on him. He's had a hard time, but he continues to persevere and fight. He has a strong personality and loves for things to go just his way. He is my rebel. If I say not to do something, he will look me in the eye and turn to do just what I told him not to do. But he is also the one who everyone remembers because he can charm the pants off of anyone.

Ja.son is the dominant one, the little parent. It is Ja.son who decides what they are going to do or where they will play. He is the enforcer, and will tell his brothers that they should be doing this or that or if they continue to break the rule they will have to go on the naughty chair. He is my people pleaser, instantly crying if he thinks he has disappointed. He does not like to fail at what he does, so he often will study a topic/skill for a long time before attempting it.

According to the birth order theory, the first born could be described as the people pleaser, the leader, the bossy know-it-all, and behave as if he is the one in charge. The middle child can be described as independent, rebellious, sociable, and engaging in attention seeking behaviors.

In our family, the characteristics the boys display seem to be opposite of what you might think based on their birth order. Sh.awn acts like the middle child, not the oldest child he is. Ja.son acts like the oldest and not the middle child.

It is no surprise to me that they do not fit into the mold of how they'd be expected to behave. When have my boys ever been cookie cutter? lol

It makes me wonder how much of the dominance Ja.son displays is due to him being a few months ahead of Sh.awn developmentally. (Ja.son has always been 6 months or so ahead of Sh.awn developmentally. The idea is that Sh.awn has to focus more on moving his body, therefore he is a bit slower to reach developmental milestones.)

And then there is Mr. Jack. I am already seeing that he is going to be the daredevil of the crew. He knows how to get the attention he wants and is very effective at getting said attention. Even as young as he is, he is already acting like the youngest child this theory describes.

While I am not ready to believe this theory as the be all, end all, it does give me something to think about. I think if nothing else, I need to make sure that I am aware of the strengths and weaknesses my boys' personalities and try to give them opportunities to become as well rounded as possible.

Which, you know, we are all trying to do anyway, right?

So what do you think? Do you agree with the theory of birth order shaping the personalities of children in a family? If you have multiples, do you think this theory accurately describes their relationship in your family? And lastly, do you think the birth order characteristics accurately describe you? I'd love to hear your input.

---

*That makes me sound horrible, but seriously. She is ALWAYS talking, so much so that I can rarely get a word in myself. She creates this time where she corners people and then insists that we listen until she's had her say. Sigh.

**Here is an interesting article I found on the topic of Birth order and twins. I think I like this explanation of what may be happening with Sh.awn and Ja.son.

What I Decided

If you follow the happenings of the other blog, you know I finally posted about the photos. After doing some very serious thinking about everything involved (Dude. Trust me when I say I kept myself up at night thinking this through from every angle. I've questioned my intent and worried that I might be sending a message that I do not want to send. It's been brutal), I decided against linking to the photographer's page and did not discuss their diagnosis. Maybe I am just hyper sensitive, but I am just not ready to publicly connect them on their own site to a label, especially before they are able to even fully understand the label themselves.

I hope for their blog to someday be a place for them to go and read about their adventures. I want it to be a place for them to see that the memories and fun we've shared, and even for them to see a glimpse of my perceptions of them as they grow. I really do try to celebrate them as they ARE there.

It isn't a place where I ever want them to feel like I've shared too much or discussed things they may find are too personal or too embarrassing or too whatever other adjective they may use to describe me saying too much. I'll error on the side of being conservative for just that reason. Ultimately, the boys' feelings are the only ones I care about in this entire situation.

So for the time being I will hold the diagnosis information close to home and will not share it on their blog. That decision will likely change sometime in the future, but for now I believe that it is the right one.

---

As for the In.spir.ation Thr.ough Art people wanting to showcase the boys on their site as 2012 heroes, I am still on the fence. They wrote an email asking for a more detailed description of all they've overcome in their short lives to add to the pictures. My immediate response was to freak out and decline. But, Is.aac really liked the idea of them being featured. We compromised. If I can tailor a response that satisfies both their need for information while retaining my need for remaining semi private, then we will probably let them feature the boys. They are beautiful pictures after all. If I can't figure out a way to write a response that I like, then we will have no problem declining their invitation. (I also spoke to the photographer about my concerns, because this does affect her as well, and she said she would be okay with whatever my decision was.)

---

So there it is. With all of this thinking, I've come to realize that I am too fucking hard on myself. My lingering guilt over the boys' beginnings continues to color what I do. It still makes me question everything when it comes to parenting. I put such incredible pressure on myself to do the BEST. THING. for the boys. Which, come on. I am only human. I am placing demands on myself that I can't possibly meet. No wonder I feel so bad about myself sometimes. Sigh.

Me. I am such a work in progress.

Opinions Wanted Part 2

First of all, thanks for all of the nice words about the pictures. I am super excited about them all. She released the full album to me earlier today. I don't think there is a single one that I don't like. How she managed that is beyond me!

As for your other opinions, I just have to say wow. Thank you. For all of them. I definitely have a lot to think about for a while.

I have decided to take the intent behind the words as the guide for the write-up. I think she was genuine. I believe she was a kind person. I am going to take her write-up as that.

I am somewhat still uncomfortable with her outing the boys' CP, because I have yet to publicly link them to it, but after reading your thoughts, I suppose I need to do more thinking about the reason behind my reluctance.

I am a deeply private person by nature. It isn't that I am shy or afraid of people knowing things about me, it's just that I grew up in a family where too much information was routinely shared. I hated that I was never able to have my own personal privacy. Now I hold many things I feel are important close to my heart (you know, aside from this blog) and will only share with a few very close friends if even then. I don't know what that says about me as a person, but that is how I am.

So, it is hard for me because their story and my story are hugely intertwined. Where do I draw that line between my story and their story? How much should I say about their struggles without crossing over into issues that they may not want me to share? Would they want to share what I share about them? They are still children without the voice to directly say what they want said or not--I don't want it to be that simply because they are children I took their choice away. Because I know exactly what it feels like to have "everyone" know my business, I am even more careful about what I say about the boys publicly.

While I hope that our collective story is full of love, hope, and (hopefully) success, I am the gate keeper to their story. As such I really try to respect when to separate myself from them. They are my first priority--their happiness and well being is what I care about. I am not hiding from it nor embarrassed by it by any means, but is it my news to share?

I don't know if that makes sense. I don't even know if it makes sense to me.

I am acutely aware that it could be seen that by not declaring to the world that my boys are damn awesome kids who happen to have a CP diagnosis, it may send the message that I am ashamed of them. I certainly don't want anyone to believe that, especially the boys themselves! Let me be clear here, when I say that that couldn't be any further from the truth. I think that if there was any reason to start shouting from the rooftop about CP, this reason alone is it.

But my guess is that I'd be shouting only because I was just afraid of what my silence implied to others who don't know us well enough to know that idea was ridiculous.

All I really need to be worried about how my boys feel about what I do or do not say.

I think (hope) that I am doing a decent job teaching my boys that there are all kinds of people in this world and that each one of us has his or her own special contribution to make. I think (hope) I am doing a decent job teaching my boys that they are just as capable, smart, needed, and LOVED as any other children in this world. I believe that we are lucky to have them in our lives and I wouldn't trade them for anything in this world. I know that they know they are the center of their parents' world.

So, as you can see, I do not take this topic lightly. I am thinking about it.

A lot.

I just haven't come to any answers yet.

I'd love to hear more of your thoughts on the matter...

Opinions Wanted

She's released more pictures*! (*I am linking to a third site first so no one can find their way back here, Sorry I am so paranoid.) I don't think this is all of them, but I am excited by what I've seen so far. :-)

So what do you think?

---

So, I am conflicted about linking it to the boys' blog. I mean, I LOVE the pictures of the boys. (Not so fond of the ones of me, but whatever.) But, and it seems that there is always a but when it comes to me, the write-up is leaving me twitchy.

I think the intent was very sweet, but there is just something about it that stings a bit. Maybe I just overreacting? Too sensitive? (And to be honest, she is a very genuine woman who I am sure understands a bit of the world in which our family lives. I'd guess that if she knew she had hurt my feelings, she'd be very upset. It is not my intention to hurt her either. She went out of her way to do this for us, and I am truly grateful!)

It makes me uncomfortable that she stated their diagnosis. I have no problem talking to people about the fact that they have this as a diagnosis. I do not hide from CP nor am I embarrassed by it. However, I am still hesitant to link that diagnosis to the boys publicly, especially on their blog. (Which, hello, I've already made that link here, but this place is sort of--albeit loosely--anonymous so it doesn't bother me as much.)

I can't quite decide why it is an issue to me, but it is. People are stupid and insensitive and make me want to hit them. Couple that with my fierce desire to protect my guys from that kind of crap...and well, I've just stayed away from publicly declaring what's up. I have told quite few people directly (and dude they don't walk so they know something's up anyway) but I am just leery.

I imagine the photographer would remove those two words from her post should I ask her to do so. But my head is wrestling whether or not I should. Maybe I just need to relax and not try to control everything.

---

So that gives you two things to weigh in on today. I'd love to hear your thoughts.

Mother's Day

Mother's Day has always been a day of mixed feelings, my emotions caught somewhere between longing and enjoyment.

In a strange way, I didn't feel like I belonged in either world. How could I continue to long for another child when I had my boys? So many people were still trying to have one child, and here I was with twins. And yet, I didn't feel like I was done trying to expand my family.

In the past, Mother's Day hasn't always been a happy day. On my first Mother's Day, Sh.awn was in the hospital with Is.aac awaiting surgery, while I was home with Ja.son. It wasn't even acknowledged. The years after that were spent waiting for the unknown and filled to some extent with the fear that something bad was about to happen. As if that wasn't enough, I guilted myself into believing that I didn't deserve a day to honor me as a mother.

I am amazingly good at torturing myself.

This year, I opened myself to truly enjoy the celebration. And you know what? It was nice to not have to hold myself back, just in case.

(Notice our tea set in the background. We love us some tea parties around here.)

I had a wonderfully quiet day with my family, just the way I wanted it. Go figure.

It still shocks me to see how great life can be when you open yourself up to live it. It isn't perfect, and it isn't always easy, but is is great.

I am very blessed.

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Lastly, I wanted to wish a Happy Mother's Day to all of you mommies, whether your babies are here on earth, in heaven, or still in your hearts.

I Never Knew

There so much about having a baby I never knew, so much that our past experience hid and prevented me from enjoying and living.

These eleven days with baby Ja.ck have highlighted all those little things we missed. Contrary to what I thought, instead of feeling a sense of healing and peace from a typical birth experience, the pain from the boys' early days has come flooding back.

I didn't know what it was like to announce that I had a baby and have people genuinely happy because of the birth. With the boys, not many people bothered to tell us congratulations; those who did held a look of fear in their eyes when they said it. There wasn't joy at the announcement of Sh.awn's and Ja.son's births, only sadness.

I didn't know how everyone would flood to the hospital to visit and celebrate the new life. After the boys were born, I was there for two weeks, yet I had no visitors outside of my mom. People didn't know what to say, so they stayed away. During the 15 excruciatingly long NICU weeks, only a handful of people ever got to see the boys in person, and that includes close family members.

I didn't know what it was like for me to be the focus of the medical profession, to have many more checks and visits from doctors and nurses than the baby did, or to be the one with the wires and tubes. The baby had a daily weight check and a few temperature checks. That is it. Blows my mind.

I didn't really know what it was like to stare at my baby's face as he slept...

with the freedom to hold him for as long as I wanted without eyes and monitors scrutinizing my every move...

to not have to ask for permission to even touch him.

I didn't know what it was like to feel the immediate connection with my baby. It took me weeks months to really bond with Sh.awn and Ja.son. It has taken me years to forgive myself for that. If I am honest, maybe I never have...

I didn't really know that a newborn displays a whole host of emotions on his face while he sleeps. (I love watching his face change as he sleeps. Oh my, he is such a handsome boy.) There was always something obstructing my view of the twins; I missed seeing much of the their faces for months.

I didn't know what it was like to not live in a constant state of overwhelming fear.

I didn't really know how HUGE a mere eleven weeks and one day would be to the health of a baby,

that the reality we lived for so, so long was that extreme.

How could I know?

This week has been hard not because Ja.ck is a challenge (he isn't), or because I am sleep deprived (which is to be expected), or even because I am battling some sort of bug.
This week has been hard because I am struggling with the unfairness of it all--of how I still hate that the big boys didn't get an easier start to life, of how things could have been...maybe should have been. It makes me sad actually.

The "loss" of that time is heightened, haunting me.

I didn't really know how much prematurity had stolen from all of us.

Yes, I imagine that some of these feelings are compounded by the hormonal changes I'm experiencing. Some of it is guilt's ugly head rearing again even though I have tried over and over again to knock that beast to the ground.

But a lot of it, I think, is that I didn't really know.

When I didn't really know what others experience, somehow I didn't feel like I missed out on so much. I fooled myself into believing that our experience couldn't have been all that different than everyone else. A baby is a baby, right?

Sure, it was obvious to some degree that what we went through during those days was a far cry from "normal" even for a preemie birth.

But, I didn't really know.

Now that I do, it just plain hurts all the more.

Holy Shit. I Am in Panic Mode!

• 16 days. There will hopefully be a baby here in 16 days. One that will come home with me and not stay in the hospital for months on end (hopefully). What am I going to do with a baby straight from the hospital? OMG. What am I going to do?
• Cue panic.
• The cousin who had her baby on the 3rd, takes her baby home today. I am happy and excited for her. The irrational part of me is jealous of her, too. She already knows her baby is okay and is getting to take her baby home! Already! Me? I am still in a limbo land of hoping with all I've got that my baby makes it to the outside safe and sound.
• Don't get me wrong. I don't want to have him early. I need the 16 days I've got left to get to some sort of semblance of...preparation. But still. I hate living with this uncertainty. If I had him, I'd know one way or the other how this will all play out. Will he be mine, or won't he? Ugh!
• Um, I am now starting to freak about the upcoming c-section, too. The memories of the healing process have begun to break through the fog of my mind. Yikes.
• The thing that worries me most about the section, though, is the constipation I had for WEEKS afterward. Constipation and a c-section are not a good mix, let me just tell you that.
• What if I can't breastfeed again? I am almost afraid to even try. The disappointment will be hard to take. I am not even sure if I want to breastfeed. Do I want to, or do I feel like I have to? I just don't know...
• So I bought some formula just in case. But I don't have bottles yet. How is that for inconsistent?
• I decided that I have to bank this baby's cord blood. I would have banked the boys' cord blood, but I was in such a state of denial with them, I just didn't get a chance to do it before they came. I kick myself because of that. This time, I felt like it was a must. There is a 25% chance that this baby will match one or both of the boys, and while they are not using donor stem cells in this way yet, there have been studies done on stem cells and treating CP. I would never be able to forgive myself if I didn't take this chance that it might help Sh.awn and/or Ja.son or BabyLo himself.
• Still no crib has been put up for the baby. I was going to do that today. Not feeling motivated yet...maybe I will in a bit. Maybe I won't. Sigh.
• I do have a mattress, though. I suppose if all else fails, I can just put the baby on the mattress on the floor. Lol. (kidding! mostly.)
• That is the story of my life lately. There is the urgency to get things done that is coupled with this complete and utter lack of motivation. WTF is wrong with me?

Clearly I am losing my mind.

It Finally Hit Me (I Am a Bit Slow Sometimes)

Thank you for the kind words on my last post. I am sorry if I scared anyone with the title. :-(

I am smart enough to know that the things that they are finding in my ultrasounds are not the end of the world. And let's face it, in the scheme of my world, these types of things are merely a blip on our medical radar.

I realize that if things do not change, the worst that will likely happen is that Baby Lo will need monitoring by various specialists until the two conditions in question resolve themselves. TO some degree, it does reassure me that Doom feels that both of these conditions are not really worthy of anything more than monitoring. (Well, it reassures me as much as anything someone I don't really trust but who should know what he is talking about says to me.)

Still.

It would be nice to really not have to think about things being "wrong" at all. It would be nice to not have to wonder about whether or not my little guy is going to be okay. It would be nice to not have to go to doctors and/or therapy or anything else and be able to just. plain. enjoy. my. kid. as. an. infant. It would be nice if I could fool myself into that allusion that the world is all sunshine and roses.

It would be nice if I could really feel that zen I am trying to show the world.

I guess that isn't the way it is supposed to be for me and my family. I am supposed to know. I am supposed to wonder.

I am supposed to fight.

Sometimes that just plain sucks. I hate that I know too much about the ugly side of things to ever really be able to go back to the ignorant and blissful me of the past.

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I wonder if that knowledge has hardened me?

I know it's made me into something so far from what I was that it is sometimes hard to recognize myself.

I hope the person I am now is a better person...

although I couldn't have been that bad before all of this stuff happened to us. Could I?

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You might laugh at this, but it has finally occurred to me that I may actually have a baby in 5ish weeks. A baby who will not live in the hospital for months, so he'll need, you know, actual stuff when he is delivered.

Holy shit.

Um, I haven't done a thing to get ready for this new little guy.

So last night I told Is.aac to pick up some newborn diapers from Cos.tco last night. He didn't know why I'd want him to do that. It seems that he hasn't wrapped his mind around this little guy coming in the very near future either.

There's no name. There's no where for him to sleep. There's no baby clothes laundered and folded. There's no registry even!

He has nothing but a big box of newborn diapers, which may or may not even fit him when he gets here.

I think it might be time to get ourselves into gear.

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33 weeks tomorrow. Still standing. Still working (although man I can't wait to stop). Still amazed.

Random Thoughts on a Sunday Night

This one is boring, but this is what is on my mind at the moment.

• I am sick again. Blah. It seems like I get a few days to feel okay before my head starts to get heavy and stuffy. Right now, cutting the damn thing completely off sounds like a great option. sigh.
• Please don't let me give whatever this is back to the boys.
• I have started doing our taxes. I am going through all of our medical receipts. Um, it seems that I am the one who has been to the doctor the most last year. By lots. And lots. Seriously, it is ridiculous how often I was at the doctor.
• I haven't calculated how much we spent on medical bills last year, but it will be a lot. One FET, one IVF, lots of drugs, and some surgeries (mine and Ja.son's eye surgeries) add up quickly. I am afraid of the total if you want to know the truth.
• But, we should get much of it back with our return.
• Is.aac and I took the boys to the park yesterday. It was too funny to watch them. Sh.awn wanted to chase after all the little kids near us. Ja.son was too interested in finding pine cones and dandelions to notice that other people were there. Lol.
• Three of us came home and took a long nap.
• Did you read that the "FDA Approves First Drug to Prevent Premature Births." P17 is finally legit. Now it should be so much easier to get. As it is, there is only one pharmacy around here that compounds it, and of course insurance won't cover it.
• That new Pink song, F****** Perfect, is my new favorite. It makes me cry. We all need to remember that we are perfect just the way we are...
• Just won 10 Swagbucks looking up that link. Score!
• I think I may be strong enough to do the March for Babies walk in May. That is huge for me.
• Ugh. It is midnight. Where does the time go? Why is it Sunday? Why do I have to go to work tomorrow? jeez.
• I want an apple. I don't like apples. WTF?

The Boys' Due Date

EDD - January 16, 2008

Ja.son happened to hear me tell Is.aac that today is the boys' adjusted birthday (their due date). That little blurb said without thinking sent Ja.son over the edge. For the rest of the day he continued to ask if he was getting a party, presents, and cake. When I'd tell him "No" he'd get so sad and cry. Sigh. He isn't quite understanding the whole "adjusted" age thing.

No one even remembers this date but me. I suppose I should just drop it all together. I haven't though, because I still adjust age for Sh.awn (usually just in my head). I think he has earned a little extra chance to catch up considering all he's been through in his life.

We settled with giving them a doughnut with a candle in it. He was finally satisfied.

Hey. Chocolate doughnuts make everything better, right?

Sh.awn could have cared less anyway. He didn't have to have a reason to eat a doughnut; he just wanted the chocolate. That's my boy. :-)

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Does anyone else think it is a strange coincidence that I am now nearly at the exact same gestation as I was when I delivered the boys, and today is their due date? It is freaky, right?

Am I over thinking the whole thing?

Probably.

Sigh.

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For those of you who want to see what I look like now, go here.