Bonding

***Edited to add: This was my contribution to the 2009 Blog Cross Pollination was originally posted on Stirrup Queens on December 9, 2009. (How cool is that?! I was like sort of famous for a day!)

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When I first was told that I’d be having twins, I have to admit I fantasized about the relationship the two of them would have. I envisioned two little toddlers who’d want to spend every waking moment together. They’d play together and get along famously. Boy, was I sorely mistaken. For whatever reason, S and J have acted less like the way I expected twins to behave and more like competitive, out-for-blood brothers.

While they were babies, I told myself that their lack of closeness was because they had spent so much of their early months apart. I overlooked the fact that each saw the other as nothing more than an obstacle to climb over or from which to take a coveted toy. The screaming fits and crying jags that erupted in this house over the simplest of things were enough to make your ears bleed on a regular basis. What one had, the other wanted. If one was in my lap, the other literally tried to rip the first out it in order to take his place. It was never ending.

I tried to tell myself, the bond was there. I just needed to be patient. But, I have to admit that it was getting harder and harder to hold on to the hope.

Occasionally I saw glimmers of the possibilities. There were the times that S was so sick in the hospital. J was never quite himself until the moment S started to feel the tiniest bit better. As S improved, J seemed to snap out of his own funk at exactly the same time. And, there was also their annoying habit of tag teaming their over tired parents at bed/nap time. One would fuss for what seemed like forever. When he would finally quiet and go to sleep, his brother would take the reins and start fussing in his place. Back and forth they’d go until they had driven us both crazy with frustration. Something was happening between the two of them. So what if their desire to drive us mad was the glue that stuck them together, right? At least it was something.

S and J have just turned two, and the bond I’ve dreamt about is finally emerging. One is no longer always the rival of the other. Dare I say it? Playing together has actually been seen around this place as of late.

Now, instead of stealing a toy from his brother, J will offer S a replacement so they can trade. S is honing his comedic abilities and tries as hard as he can to get a good laugh from J. Little examples of how much they love each other are witnessed all the time now.

It makes my heart sing to see the two of them together enjoying each other’s company.

This weekend, the boys were in their cribs in their bedroom. S was frustrated and wanted to get out of bed. It was still a little early, so I ignored him and tried to get a little more sleep instead. (A girl’s got to dream!). Over the monitor I could hear the two of them talking. J tried to comfort S and told him several times “no cry.” S calmed down some. Soon after, I heard the first “Boo!” For the next seven minutes they played peek-a-boo. They laughed and giggled as they took turns scaring the other. It was one of the cutest things I’ve ever seen and heard.

All was right in the world.

It took that moment before it hit me. S and J are close. There is a strong bond between them. I need to stop worrying about their relationship resembling something from my head and let them figure out how it will look.

You know what?

It now looks like they are doing a fine job all on their own.

Brought To You By The Great Blog Cross Pollination - A Guest Post!

C-- informed me that her brother got in an argument at school with his friend, but no one got in trouble with the teacher. "What was the fight about?" I asked, even though we are trying to curb the tattling instinct.

"Whose dad knew more about Star Wars. I ended the fight. I told the boys, 'both daddies just know what they know'."

Yoda says, "Very smart girl, you are. Yes, hmmm."

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During my second year of teaching middle school, I found the Love and Logic series, which many people know from the foster care system if they're in the United States. J-- picked up the book one day, and immediately cracked up over the opening story, retitling the series "Bummer!"

In the story, a boy lashes out at his teacher and is sent to the principal. The principal asks the boy what happened and the boy angrily puts all the blame on the teacher as he states his side. The principal responds: "bummer!" and walks away. He returns and asks the same question, not feeding the child the answer and instead allowing the child to come to a place of accepting responsibility for his actions by simply leaving space for the child to calm down and come to that responsibility on his own. Each time, the boy accepts a bit more responsibility for his part in the argument, and the principal responds with the word "bummer!" until he gets to the final moment of acceptance and problem-solving.

The point is to allow kids to solve their own problems rather than feeding them the answer. By making them reflect on their behaviour and do the work, they internalize problem-solving techniques and learn to control their own behaviour rather than have it come externally. The flip side is giving kids a lot of responsibilities and choices, making them see that their voice counts. Expectations are clear, boundaries set, and there are only consequences--no punishments.

It worked in the classroom and it now works in our house. The twins are learning how to budget time, take responsibility for their actions, and take pride in their accomplishments. And, apparently, it also helps in solving Star Wars-related arguments on the playground.

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One day, a little boy who had been tantruming in his classroom was brought to J--'s office as the ultimate consequence. He had skipped right up the adult ladder past the principal's office because this was his 1000th offense.

Because I'm the parent who is primarily at home with the twins, I get to utilize the philosophy from morning until night, every single day. I also used it in the classroom for six years. Oh, and I also read the book beyond the initial "bummer!" story.

J-- believes in the philosophy and he puts it in practice, but the twins know his weak spots, know how to beat the system. Ultimately, it was helping this other child through his tantrum that brought him over to the light side of the Force.

The boy gave his explanation for the tantrum and J-- responded with the equivalent of "bummer!," sitting back in his swivel chair and asking the boy open-ended questions to get him both calm and accepting responsibility for what had happened. By the end of the conversation, my Obi-Wan Kenobi had brought the boy back to happiness and he didn't want to leave his office.

J-- came home elated. "It's like I was waving my hand in front of his face saying 'this is not the tantrum you're looking for'."

Oh, I think it's quite clear who knows more about Star Wars by now...

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Did you figure out who the mystery blogger is? Leave a comment with your guess and head over here to see if you got it right. Plus, there you can read my post, too.

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Click here for the master list of all the participants in "The Great Blog Cross Pollination 2009." Ten bonus points to anyone who can get all of them correct!

I Am All Tingly With Excitement

In a few short hours, I am going to be Cross Pollinated. Well, I won't be cross pollinated, because that sounds a little dirty and all, but rather my blog will be cross pollinated with a guest post from a very cool blogger! Whoot!

I am totally excited!

This is all a part of Geohde's brain child "The Great Blog Cross Pollination." She describes it this way:

It’s [The Great Blog Cross Pollination] open to EVERYBODY in the ALI community, and divided into two groups of blogs, those that reference children (hereon known as ‘avec’) and those that do not (the ladies and gents of ’sans’). The idea is to swap posts for one day with a matched blogger so that you BOTH meet new bloggers and everybody finds new readers. Old blogs, new blogs, infertility, loss, pregnancy and parenting blogs (and anybody else I haven’t covered) are more than welcome.

During a moment of insanity, I signed up. Once I came to, I realized that holy crap, a whole lot of people I don't know will be reading my actual thoughts. Whoa. Talk about putting myself in a panic!

But, I survived, as I always seem to do. **cue "I'm a survivor,I'm not gonna give up" music in the background** Of course, I have to admit that this was after a pep talk from my mother who reminded me of my moto when I am trying to do things around the house-- "Aren't you the person who tells me, 'I can do anything when I need to,'" she says. Sigh. That's totally out of context. When I say shit like that I am talking about putting together furniture or tiling a wall, not writing! Jeez. Anyway, I did it, and I am very proud of myself. I even had some fun emailing my matched blogger. :-)

Check back later to read the guest post. You're going to love it! Once you guess who the post was written by (and leave a comment with your guess), go over to that person's blog (don't worry, there will be a link) to see what I wrote for his or hers.

It's that simple!

Until then, you can click here to see a list of all the wonderful bloggers participating in the fun. :-)