Welcome Home, Babies!

Okay, are you ready for this? We transferred all 6 embies. My powers of persuasion are pretty intense I guess! I should have been a lawyer.

It looks like 4 were grade a morulas (one pretty well compacted as of this morning, and the other 3 beginning to compact), 1 grade a/b morula with slight fragmentation, and the last little guy (which they had pretty much figured had stopped growing yesterday) who is a grade b beginning morula (whatever that means?). All were ah'ed for this cycle.

Anyway, I kind of see this as our hail mary approach to ivf with this clinic at least...I am hoping with all of the potential babies I put in today, at least one will take and stick for the long haul. I would love it if two stick...or three even. Not sure what I would do if all six want to stick around, but I really don't think that will be an issue. Good God I hope that at least one sticks!

I go on the 6th to check my progesterone and estrogen levels. I always wonder if they also do a pregnancy test at that point to see how things are progressing. That will be about 12 days from the trigger shot, so I would think that if the beta was high, it would indicate pregnancy. I haven't ever asked and they have never told so I don't know.

My beta will be on the 12th, but I know I won't be able to wait that long. I am, as I read somewhere, "a poas ho"...can't keep myself from them. So, I am sure that by the time I get to 10-11dpo I will have started the testing.

My dh wrote "Welcome Home, Babies" with 6 little hearts on my belly today. It is just something that we decided to do in the very beginning...he is so sweet when he writes it, he talks to my belly and kisses it. He really is a neat guy and I am really lucky to have him in my life. I am off for a valium induced rest.

Always Waiting!

Thought I would pop in and let you know that I am still waiting for the transfer. My appointment isn't until 4:15 (California time!) so I still have about 3 and a half hours of waiting left. In case you didn't know this, I don't do "waiting" very well!

I have already been to the acupuncturist to prime myself before the transfer, so I don't even have that left to keep me occupied. I'll be able to calm down quite a bit when I get to take my valium at the clinic...that stuff is goooooood! lol.

Did I tell you what we decided to write on my belly this time? I think it is going to say "Welcome Home, Embabies!" At least at this point that is what I think it will say (it will depend on if it feels right at the time). I'll def. update after the transfer. Wish me luck!

Go, Embies, Go!

Well, my transfer has been pushed until at least tomorrow. I still have 5 grade A/A- embies that are still going strong (WooHoo!). They are all within the range of 6-8 cells that they want on day 3. The embryologist and my doctor have decided that the embies should grow for at least one more day (or two if needed) so that some of the stronger embies might distinguish themselves from the rest and we can transfer only 2-3 of them. I am in a strange state of nervous energy right now, so I will check in a little later once I have had a chance to calm down a little.

WooHoo!

I got the fertilization report, 8 were mature and 2 were immature. Of the eight, 1 was "over cooked" and therefore was knocked out of the game. 5 fertilized and look to be "normal." A 6th one fertilized, but is off somehow...the embryologist said that it could catch up and be okay, only time will tell. The 7th embie had not yet fertilized, but could still, so they would let me know at the next report (on Sunday).

So, the tally is 6 - 7 eggs are in the running to be my baby(ies). Still having a lot of cramping (more than usual I think) and still bleeding enough to reach a pad--tmi, I know. Sorry. Tylenol and a heating pad are my best friends at this point. If the bleeding doesn't stop by tomorrow, I am going to call the office to see what they think.

Okay, how strange is this? Just got a call from the nurse while I was typing to you. Looks like transfer will most likely be on Sunday. Told her about the bleeding and she said that I should see a substantial decrease by tomorrow afternoon, but she will call to check up on me anyway and schedule a transfer time. I don't know if it will throw things off if I am still bleeding tomorrow, but it is nice that she'll call to check on me.

Well, back to the heating pad.

The Aftermath...

I had my cervix dialated again, so I am really crampy and have been bleeding off and on today. That part isn't all that much fun, but it is liveable. I'll let you all know how many fertilized tomorrow after I get the report. Transfer will be on Sunday or Monday. I can't wait to be pg again...it is just around the corner!

ER--Get Out Here, Eggies!

Retrieval came and went today without many problems. I actually find the retrieval the most exciting and less stressful part of the whole process. Well, once I convince myself that I haven’t ovulated early or something, there is less stress for me. Science is amazing, and it still fascinates me that all of this can actually happen outside of my body. I can get pregnant and not even have sex! It really is surreal.

The retrieval process was really interesting although slightly unnerving. First I went into the clinic, undressed, and changed into a surgery smock (opening to the back, please), booties, and a hair net. Then they took me into a little room, which is where the men gather their “collections” so I tried not to touch anything, and I spoke with the anesthesiologist, Kelly. Kelly asked me about my medical history and took my height and weight measurements. After that I kissed my husband goodbye and watched him leave to go wait in the waiting room. I was led into the procedure room and laid down on a table. The Kelly inserted the IV in my arm and started a water drip while the nurse’s assistant, Jackie, started talking to me about what was going to happen during the procedure. Jackie busied herself around the room, gathering the tools for the procedure and setting up the ultrasound machine. The doctor finally poked his head into the room to say hello to me and tell everyone he was about ready to scrub up. At that point, Jackie helped me scoot to the end of the table and place my legs into the stirrups. (This was the part that got a little nerve wracking. I didn’t like the idea that they would need to strap my legs!) Kelly placed an oxygen mask into my nostrils. Thankfully, at that point the lights above me started swimming. The next thing I knew, the procedure was over. I think the whole process took somewhere around twenty minutes.

When I woke up, Jackie was with me in the recovery room. I think that Kelly was around somewhere, but I am not totally sure where. Jackie asked me how I felt and gave me a nice warm blanket to help me stop my shivering. She called the reception desk to get Isaac and brought him back to see me. I was given juice and crackers while they continued to monitor my vital signs. After explaining possible complications to watch for, they explained that the doctor wanted to meet with me before we left.

They retrieved ten eggs. I was told they would call with the fertilization report tomorrow.

Still No Results--What's Up With That?

We are still waiting for the retest on the protein s defficiency (apparently the lab didn't complete the right test), but I have been assured that it will be here before my transfer on Sunday or Monday. Then I will know if I will have to add the blood thinners. I am getting excited because this time the little one(s) are gonna stick for the long haul!

It's Trigger Time!

Trigger is tonight at 11:00 p.m. I can’t wait to get this show on the road. There is no turning back now…it’s all or nothing after that trigger. I am so excited, I may just explode! And sometimes I think that is literally!

Things are looking mighty fine in the old ovaries at this point. At first, I was worried that I may only end up with six eggs. Now it is looking like I may end up with eight to ten eggs! Woo Who! The uterus isn’t looking too shabby, either. I have managed to thicken my lining to a healthy 9-10mms. Like I said, all is looking good in there. Hopefully this means good things will start happening to me now!

Now I am starting to think about how many embies I want transfer on Sunday or Monday. I want to be as aggressive as possible while saving myself from unnecessary pain. I want to be pregnant. I would love twins. Triplets may not be too bad, although I realize that it might bring harm to the babies’ or my health with that many. What about quads? Would I be able to reduce a pregnancy after working so hard to achieve it? Tough questions to worry about and there is not much time to think about it.

I transferred four embies on the last cycle. Two embies were transferred the time before that. Six embies were sentenced to the doom of my uterus. For awhile, that is the way I thought about my own body…the uterus o’ death. That was before all of the testing indicated that I probably have a blood clotting problem. Excuse me. I most likely have a Protein S defficiency. I am waiting for the retest results to make sure (I am assured that this will be done before my transfer). That, along with the MTHFR mutations I have, made my body a not so hot place to live. I so wish that I knew about all of that before I did the last two IVF cycles. Maybe I would have a baby in my arms at this point.

So. I am back to what to do, what to do? Stick to the lucky number four, or get even more aggressive. These are tough, tough, tough questions to ask myself. I can’t wait until there is an answer.

I pray this is the time…let it be, please.

One More Day to Cook!

My trigger will be tomorrow. Yea! I made it to day 9 of stims! I am very happy about that and hope that the one more day to cook positively affects my egg quality. I am keeping everything crossed that it does.

I go back to the clinic tomorrow (yet again--I feel like I live there or something) for more blood work and another ultrasound.

The Funk--What Fun.

Today’s appointment went much better than I expected. It looks like I will have 7 eggs mature, with one egg “iffy.” It is amazing how much can change in two days. This means that I will either trigger tomorrow night or Tuesday night. Yea! It looks like I may have made it past the 7 day mark! This is a good sign of things to come, right? My baby will be here before I know it!

I have had a rough weekend and I am especially tired today. It started off with a bridal shower. Now that in itself was not too bad, and I enjoyed getting the chance to catch up with friends. The hard part was that one of them is 6 months pregnant. She is a very nice woman and I do like her. I am even happy for her pregnancy. I just have a hard time when I am confronted with it…she is so happy and everyone was cooing about the baby to be. Plus, she even complained that the baby is due in July (rather than her desired June)! I had to find something else to do with myself at that point. A shower for her will be soon, but I am not sure if I am strong enough to attend. Sigh.

I feel guilty when I know I should/am expected to be happy for others who are pregnant but have trouble being so. Most of me wants to be happy for them. Most of me wants to be them. I am jealous of these women who get pregnant without having to really work for it. I am jealous of these women who have never had to lose something they’ve worked so hard for. What kind of person does that make me? It isn’t the way I want to be, nor is it the way I was. Sometimes, I wonder if all of this struggle is making me lose my marbles.

The weekend continued with a funeral service for a close family friend. The service was nice, but it is so emotionally draining. There was a slide show of family pictures that brought tears to my eyes. It brought back all of the raw emotions of the miscarriages back to me.

That leaves me to today. I am drained, tired, and bloated. Apparently this is not a good mix. Even my husband has sensed the need to distance himself from me until I fight off this funk. I sure hope it is soon.

Two for the Price of One, Please!

Two for the price of one. That is what I want. I want two babies…twins…a boy and a girl. After all of this, I want two. I have held this desire close to me for quite some time. It is almost like if I say it aloud, I’ll jinx it or something. I know it’s silly. I just can’t help it.

I wonder if this desire is common among those of us undergoing infertility treatments. The belief that double the babies will somehow fill the hole that has been empty for so long. Will it? I would love to find out. Maybe with two babies I won’t need to do this process again in the future. My family will be complete. The hole would be filled.

Today was another ultrasound and blood work check. My follies have slowed ever so slightly, but they are still ahead of where they “should” be, and there just isn’t as many as I had hoped. The appointment has left me sad and upset without any real reason I can put my finger on at the moment. I have been snapping at my husband and feel pretty weepy. Maybe it’s the medications doing this to me, making me feel different. Maybe it is worry that this won’t work out, yet again. My husband knows that something is wrong; he asks me what is going on with me. I can’t articulate it to him…how can I articulate something I don’t really understand?

So my lining is strong at 9mms. I think that is the thickest it has been. It also looks like I now have 3 follies that are in the 15mm range (14mm, 15mm, and 16mm). I have others at 8mm, 9mm, and 11mm. I think there may be one or two more that are smaller. That gives me 6 follicles. Maybe 6 eggs. I am doing all of this work for 6 eggs. 6 chances for a baby. 3 chances for twins. That isn’t very reassuring to me for some reason.

The nurse called to tell me my new dosage of medication and my hormone levels. After 5 days of stimming, my estrogen is at 352 and my LH is still low. The estrogen is going up, which is good. That means I am responding to the meds effectively. I resume 187.5 units of gonal f in the morning and night, but add ganirelix to the protocol tomorrow night. Hopefully this will slow the bigger follicles down a little so the smaller ones can catch up to them.

I hate all of this. I wish it was all over. I want a baby already!

I pray this cycle is successful. I don’t know what I will do if it isn’t or if, heaven forbid, I miscarry again.

Happy Birthday To Me

Yesterday was my birthday. I hit the big 35. I don’t think that would be such a big thing to me normally, but when you are trying to conceive, it seems like the kiss of death. Now my eggs are officially “old.” I am now “advanced maternal age.” Isn’t that awful? Why is it that I am deemed “old” in one day? It sucks. It makes me mad. Needless to say, I wasn’t happy about this birthday.

I had my second ultrasound of the cycle yesterday. I had been on meds for a total of 2 and one half days. They found that I have 4 follicles in the 10mm range and maybe a few on each side in the smaller range. That is it. Where are all the follicles I expected to see? I made 9 follicles last cycle. Where are those 9 for this cycle? Now, I know that the number of follicles fluctuate from one cycle to another. Still, it hurts a little to see that the chances for success got just a little bit smaller. Is it that “advanced maternal age” thing?

My regular RE is out on vacation. My appointment was with one of the partner REs from the clinic. I do like him. He is very kind and gentle, and he goes over everything with me as if this was my first time through this IVF journey. He did the internal ultrasound (if you haven’t had one yet, I highly recommend it—yeah right!) and said something about me having a history of stimming fast. WTF? I haven’t heard that one before. He said it matter-of-factly, but still it raced through me. Is this why I haven’t been able to be successful in staying pregnant?

You might wonder why that bothers me so much. This is where a little bit of knowledge is a scary thing. I think the average range for stimulating follicle growth should take 9-12 days. The average growth of follicles is 1-2mm a day with a goal of each follicle reaching 18-25mms to be considered mature. If your follicles grow 2mms a day for 9 days, they will reach that 18mm stage right on track. Now, my follicles are already 3 days ahead of where they should be at this point. My follicles should only have been about 6mms yesterday instead of at 10mms. At this rate, I will be at 18mms on Sunday instead of on Tuesday (potential day 9 of stims). That will mean I stimmed for only 7 days. Stimming for less than 7 days in total affects the quality of the eggs. That could mean that the eggs wouldn’t fertilize, they might be fragmented and not divide correctly (and be poor quality), or they could just flat out expire. See why I am concerned? Sigh. None of this can be easy, can it?

At this point, I am trying to be positive and not kill myself with the “what ifs” that are readily available in my brain. It is hard, but I am trying. The one thing that gives me hope is a psychic prediction I got in March. (Don’t say it, I know, I know.) The psychic, Cheri, said that May would be my conceive month, find out month, or month of delivery. I am a believer in this psychic because she accurately predicted two other months for my pregnancies. She told me December first. I conceived and found out I was pregnant in December, but miscarried in January. Then she told me March. I found out I was pregnant in March, only to miscarry in March. Now she says May. I’ll find out if I am pregnant in May…Oh please, oh please, let me be pregnant in May! And, let this one be sticky!

Ready, Set, Stim!

Well, today I got the all clear to start my stims. I am very excitied! I am starting with 200 gonal f in the morning and 200 gonal f in the evening. Interestingly, this is slightly different than my last cycle which had menopur in the evening. I am hoping that this protocol is the winning one that gets me that baby I want so badly.

I already have my first bruise from the shots. It’s a nice purple and blue bruise, too. I try to document these bruises so I can show people all of the things I go through during this process. You just can’t imagine what it is like unless you go through it. When I get good at this blogging stuff, I’ll post it here.

I must admit that I did have a minor meltdown earlier today. During my internal ultrasound this morning, the RE found a follie, or maybe it was a cyst, that was already 10mms on day 2. He had said that they didn’t like to cycle with anything over 9mm. It all depended on the blood work I did today. I left the office with a sort of doom and gloom feeling. I just felt I would most likely have to wait yet another month to cycle. When it got to be 4:00 and I still had not heard from the nurse about the blood work, I started to think the worst. (I was never like that until I started this journey. Now I jump to negative thinking rather quickly.) The office tends to make their negative calls later in the day. You know the ones. Calls like, “Your beta has dropped, discontinue your meds,” or “Your fsh is too high to cycle this month. Call at the start of your next cycle to check to see if it went down,” always come at the end of the day. Every time the phone would ring my heart would pound and pound. Thankfully, the nurse called to say the cycle is on this month.

Anyway, that is behind me now. I am looking toward a successful cycle and a successful pregnancy. My next check is on Wednesday, my 35th birthday. Hope it is a lucky day.

The Beginning

Today I started my period. Seems strange that I would be so excited about starting my period, but I am. I have been waiting for it for over a week. Now that it is here, I get to start my next cycle of IVF. I hope I do at least. With this stuff, you just never know when things will go your way or not.

I've been trying to conceive now for 2 and a half years. It breaks down to 31 months. 31 months of getting my hopes up. 31 months of being let down when I ultimately do begin my period, until this month that is.

My journey has been long and painful. I have learned a lot about fertility. More importantly, I have learned a lot about myself. I am stronger than I ever thought I could be. I am also more determined than I ever thought I could be.

This blog came as a result of my decision that it was time for me to document this journey for myself and maybe others. At one end, I have a place to vent and express my feelings and fears. On the other end, what I've learned and been through might very well be useful for someone else out there. I thought I would try it. We'll see how this goes...