Blows. My. Mind,

It's going so fast. I just want to slow it down and savor every moment...

Random Pictures from Tonight

This week is shaping up to be a long, hard one. I'm choosing to leave all the crap at work and focus on the three little people in my life...

Ja.son's "towing" the ornament with his motorcycle to the Christmas tree.
Isn't that how all ornaments make it to the tree?
Just walking it over is SOOOO last year...

Apparently we don't feed this boy enough.
He's now taken to eating toys.

This boy just got kissed by his mommy.
He's telling me that my kisses are yucky.
And he's totally laughing about it. :)

They remind me that even when things are tough, my life is very, very good. I am so very lucky.

Friday Night Leftovers

• People, it is only Friday! I am so excited that there are two more days to the weekend!

--- That was all I finished yesterday before I crashed. Sigh.

• The Sick continues to hang around. The boys are mostly over it now; they just have lingering coughs. I am still on the runny side and coughing. Bleh.
• My in-laws want to come visit tomorrow. I am torn about whether I want them to or not. I'd like to put up our Christmas tree. And...well...they are Jehovah Witnesses.
• After all this time, I still struggle with how to deal with our family's traditions versus their beliefs.
• For some reason, because it is Is.aac's family involved, I feel like I have to make nice and keep them happy. Ugh.
• I think if it were my family who were the witnesses, I'd just do our thing and let them deal with it. It wouldn't even be an issue for me.
• Is.aac is no help in the matter either. He just doesn't get that there should be a problem. His feeling is that if they don't like it, they just won't visit.
• That idea sort of pains me. I'd feel like I am the reason he never sees his family. If I make nice and am accommodating, then it is their (both his and his family's) fault that they never see each other.
• You know, because it is SO hard to connect with people regularly when they live a WHOLE 5 minutes away.
• Ahem.
• Thanksgiving was nice and quiet. We had our turkey. The boys had their hot dogs. Ja.son wouldn't try anything on the table. Sh.awn had quite a bit, but still wanted a hot dog at the end. Whatever. Makes more food for me.
• I did not brave the black Friday sales. I did a little online searching for things but didn't buy. I am in denial that I will actually have to purchase things. I just don't have the energy this year.

Hope you all had a wonderful holiday/weekend.

Stop by Danifred's for more leftovers.

This and That

I am in love with this picture of Jack. OMG does it make me laugh! I had to print it and take it to work so I can keep giggling at it.

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I have succumbed to the Sick. If I could only detach my head nose from my body for the next 24 hours, I would be so happy. I considered wishing I could just turn my nose so my nostrils face up, but I figure I'd just drown in my own snot, and well, that's just plain gross. Plus "drowning in own snot" would be super embarrassing on my death certificate.

---

Sh.awn has found his will. Unfortunately for me, he is just as stubborn as I am, only he has a much louder and sharper voice. It is an effective weapon, that voice, I tell you that. He is armed and he isn't afraid to use it.

He is the sweetest little love bug as long as everything goes his way most of the time.

But holy hell does he turn into a demon the second he perceives that things are not going his way and out comes the scream (the scream that takes aim straight for the center of my brain and stabs me repeatedly).

Ugh. I am at my wit's end with him.

I am trying to be consistent (taking him to another room and walk away) and not let him see how much it drives me crazy (oh.my.gawd. does it drive me crazy to hear that scream!), but it doesn't stop.

This boy seriously needs an "off" switch.

---

The best news of the week is that they settled the case! There will be no retrial. It saddens me to think that he'll be my age when he is finally released from prison, though. While I do feel that the sentence is fair, and I do believe that he should be punished for what he did, I worry that he won't get the help he needs to deal with whatever is going on in that head of his. I worry about what kind of life he will have when he is released.

There was so much promise there...for both of them.

Promise that vanished with a horrible act.

Sigh. I hope that the healing will continue now that the threat of testifying has been removed from the equation.

(Not trying to be cryptic, but as usual I don't want the details linked to here. If you are curious, email me and I'll send you a link to a news article.)

Friday Night Leftovers

• All the little people around here are still sick. I think that Ja.son has turned the corner for the most part, although he has started a yucky cough. Sh.awn still has the congested voice, but he isn't running anymore and thankfully hasn't started a cough. Poor Ja.ck has it all. He got it last, so he is still in the thick of things.
• I heart baby Vick's vapor rub. It has saved poor Ja.ck.
• Sh.awn sounds so cute with his sick voice. It kind of cracks when he talks, too. I think it is a preview of the pubescent voice to come during his teenage years. :-)
• Is.aac and I have still managed to dodge whatever this crap is. Dare I hope we manage to avoid it all together?
• Speaking of Sh.awn and his voice, he has made some major strides this past week with his speech. He is talking up a storm and what he is talking about has just jumped in sophistication significantly. I am wildly excited about it.
• The knock, knock joke is all the rage around my house.
• On Monday we finally took the boys to go have their casting for their braces. It was not a pleasant experience for any of us. We should get them in 2-3 weeks. I can't wait.
• I had debated about whether or not to take them to that appointment on Monday because they were both clearly sick (no fevers or vomiting at that point, but there was no mistaking they were sick). To reschedule would have pushed the appointment to the middle of December, I am just plain tired of having to fight to do the things we have to do, and the consensus was that the people I asked would go, so I took them. And I felt guilty as they coughed and snotted up the place.
• Am I the only one who worries about spreading germs to some poor unsuspecting family? I know that worry is from the boys' early days. It would make me so angry to have sick kids anywhere near my preemie boys.
• Yesterday I was blown away by the number of people in our life who wore purple to honor my guys on World Prematurity Day. I counted 10 coworkers and many family members sporting the color. It brought tears to my eyes to see them.
• Going through my pictures for yesterday's post was pretty intense, too. Wow. All of those emotions came flooding back.

World Prematurity Day - November 17

(Cross posted on the boys' blog)

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Today we are purple.

Purple to honor all of the millions of babies worldwide who were born too soon.

Purple to honor the fight of those babies and their families for survival.

Purple to honor those babies who can fight no more.

Today we are purple to honor those we love who have been touched by prematurity.

Today I was purple to honor our super boys, Sh.awn and Ja.son.

I will forever be amazed by the strength and determination our two boys showed in the early days of their lives. They endured more in those months than many people ever experience in their entire lives. It seemed like every complication possible was thrown their way, but together they conquered the NICU.

They captured the hearts of everyone who worked with them. (I think they still do. :) )

Our guys survived and thrive.

We are the lucky ones.

---

Born at 28 weeks and 3 days, our guys were not even 3 pounds and about as long as a Barbie doll.

Shortly after the boys were born. This is Is.aac's ring.
It would have easily slid all the way up to their armpits.

Is.aac's ring on a foot.



A little hand barely able to hold daddy's thumb.



A small round band aid to protect a delicate knee
(their knees were so delicate that the skin would
get raw when they'd lay on their bellies)

Our guys were tiny but mighty.

Sh.awn, baby A:

The first time I was able to see Sh.awn.
I didn't even get to see him in the delivery room.

Sh.awn - not even a week old.

Holding Sh.awn for the first time. I am so grateful to
our respiratory therapist who made this happen.

Sh.awn in his first clothes.
They were preemie size and still swam on him for weeks.

Mommy and daddy with Sh.awn.

Sh.awn in December 2007

Ja.son, baby B:

Meeting Ja.son for the first time. I was given a brief glimpse
of Ja.son in the operating room, but they held him up for me for literally a second.



Mommy and daddy with Ja.son



Ja.son under the Billi lights for jaundice.

 

Holding Ja.son for the first time.
He was on a ventilator to help him breathe.

Daddy with Ja.son

Ja.son in December 2007

Our first picture as a family of 4 (and the first time I'd held both boys together).
December 2007

 ---

They had a rough start, but our super boys are strong, smart, determined, and funny.

We are the lucky ones. I hold that knowledge in my heart. Our boys are here with us.

Please consider visiting the March of Dimes website for more information or even donate to this worthy cause. Their research helped save our boys.

Thankful

Today the snot has been flowing and all three boys have been miserable. It is now pretty evident that what Sh.awn experienced was either a freakish shunt occlusion (coincidentally timed to arrive just as germageddon has hit our house again--not too likely) or some sort of fast acting nasty virus picked up from some unknown source.

Thank goodness for viruses. I know it seems strange to be happy my kids are so sick, but if given the alternative, I am delirious with joy right now, finally able to really exhale.

Dare I say, I may even have relaxed some.

I know!

Me. The person who is constantly in alert mode. Relaxed.

Relieved.

That is not to say that things around here have been easy. Far from it. I think I had about ten minutes total in which I didn't have a kid on me or touching me is some way or another this weekend. I haven't even brushed my hair since Friday. I've had very little sleep since Wednesday night. There is something...I'm not sure I want to know what...caked onto my sweat pants. Jack spit up on my shoulder (and bit my finger! WTF?). Ja.son is whining from his bedroom as I type this. (He's a moaner and groaner. The WORLD must know how he feels at EVERY moment of the day. lol) There is a pile of Sh.awn's used Kleenexes on the side table waiting to finally make it to the trash.

And still I am happy.

I feel like doom has been averted.

They are sick, but they are whole.

I am so very, very thankful.

Friday Night Leftovers - What a Week Edition

• Man. This has been one of those weeks. I am so thankful for the weekend. Now if I can just keep anything else from happening...
• Sigh.
• Today, we took the boys to their biannual neurology appointment. And, true to form, I was dreading it. I hate, hate, hate these stupid appointments.
• I literally have to give myself a pep talk every time. "Whatever he says won't change a thing."  and "What's the worst he can say? The boys have CP? Humph. He already did that." and "He won't tell us anything we don't already know. How could he if he only sees them every 6 months. We know them best. We know things are going well." You know, upbeat things like that.
• Hey. Whatever gets me through these appointments are okay in my book. (although I can do without my intestinal issues afterward, thank you very much)
• It actually was okay once we were there. He continues to be amazed by my super boys.
• He gave us some info we hadn't yet heard. Told us some things to watch out for. Even said that we are the ones who know them best and he'll take his lead from us.
• The minute we got in the car afterward, Ja.son started saying that his throat hurt. He refused to eat. Didn't want to drink.
• He expectantly, and violently I might add, started throwing up this evening. It was just like what happened to Sh.awn. But I have to say that if this had happened to Ja.son first, I would have really lost it. I have never seen him this ill. It was scary and I knew this time that it had to be some virus or something.
• Three hours later, he was eating. WTF? I suppose if you are going to get some sort of bug, a fast moving one is the way to go.
• I hope that tomorrow he wakes up and is just as perky as Sh.awn was the day after his episode.
• Jack, however, isn't eating very well today. I am pretty worried that he will be next. Ugh.
• This does not bode well for me. It is only a matter of time before I succumb to whatever this shit is. I always get whatever they get, so I feel somewhat like my fate has been sealed.

---

I had some questions about the blog's new look.

April from A Mommy's Blog Design Studio designed it. (She also did the boys' blog.) It makes me really happy to see this space now. I have to give her all the credit for its look, as I only gave her a vague description of what I wanted. Me? Indecisive? Never!

Her prices were really reasonable, some of the best I found. She even offers a discount for posting about your upcoming blog design. April was easy to work with and  put up with my craziness. (I just had to have glasses on the big boys is one example. lol) Plus she's fast.

If you're thinking about a makeover, go check her out! :-) Then tell me, so I can check out your new space!

(FYI - she has no idea I am writing this and I won't get anything for what I said. I just think she did an awesome job.)

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Stop by Danifred's for more leftovers.

Yesterday

The meeting at work was pretty intense. I think we collectively cried through the entire two hours. 40 people were there, each with his/her own version to the story, and each story validated the feelings I've had since it happened. I feel fortunate that we finally talked as a group.

Just as the meeting was ending, my mom called. Sh.awn was violently throwing up. No one around us is sick. He was acting normal until it started out of the blue. She was worried.

I hurried to go see for myself. His eyes were doing their weird thing. He was super lethargic. Could not/would not open his eyes.

There was more throwing up...I was in a panic. He had all the signs he shows for shunt failure.

Is.aac was at the opthamologist with Ja.son. The car I had (Is.aac's) has no car seats. Is.aac had chosen this day to forget his phone at home. Ugh. I ended up calling the office and asking to speak to him.

Told him to hurry home, that this was bad.

He continued to throw up. He was thirsty but whatever he sipped came immediately up also. Is.aac finally got there and agreed that we needed to take him to the ER. We debated briefly about which one to take him to--the local ER which would mean an ambulance ride if it was his head, or just pass go and take him straight to Children's. We opted for Children's.

Tell admissions that you think your kid is having a shunt malfunction makes things happen very fast. Within 10 minutes, they had assessed us, put us in a room, we'd talked to a doctor, and were given Zofran for the nausea. By 20 minutes, the neurosurgeon had returned and been in to see us. By 30 minutes, we had taken a CT scan.

I knew from watching the scan images (Is.aac was with him while he was scanned) that there was no much difference from the last scan he'd had. Yes. I know what my kid's brain looks like. I could draw you a picture, that's how well I know it. I won't, though.

That made me feel better. Then Sh.awn started to perk up and regain some sense of life. More relief.

We waited for about an hour before the resident neurosurgeon came back to see us. He confirmed what I thought; the scan did look very similar to the last scan he'd had. He said there might be a tiny area that was different, but it only showed on one section. Sh.awn looked markedly better than he did when we came. If it was a failure, he wouldn't recover, he'd just progressively get worse. There was talk of wanting to tap his shunt, which we wanted only as a last resort, and that they'd likely discharge us.

Cool. I gave Sh.awn to fruit snacks. He kept them down and wanted more.

The resident went to call the attending, who happened to be none other than the asshole.

Asshole wanted to admit Sh.awn for observation.

Ugh. We said no. The asshole was just being an asshole. The resident went to call asshole back and tell him what we said. Asshole tried to make us feel his godliness by saying that his shunt could completely fail two hours from now.

I countered with yes, the shunt could also fail two hours after you released us tomorrow.

He came back with nonsense about his recommendations had only not been followed twice in the last five years.

Interesting. We've checked out AMA twice now. Sigh. We are quite the rebels. :-/

Today Sh.awn is acting more normal. No throwing up. Eating fine. Not irritable. Normal.

I have no idea what happened yesterday. He scared me enough to take him to the hospital. That just doesn't happen. Then he just perks up like nothing happened. Freak me the fuck out why don't you boy.

I am beat mentally.

I am beat physically.

My PTSD is working on overdrive. I already associate the boys' NICU stuff with the shooting, and now it happened again.

Ugh. Thank goodness for a long weekend.

Forgive me for not editing. Jack is ticked and needs me to pay attention to him.

Just Want to Get It Over With Already

Tomorrow is the "debriefing".

Part of me is looking forward to the chance to talk and listen--to connect with others who really get it. I'd be lying, though, if I didn't say that there is a HUGE part of me that would just love to run away and hide under a blanket.

Picking the scab off on purpose just doesn't feel like a good move right now, especially when I am not sure how long I'll/we'll be raw afterward. That tactic is totally against my avoidance of all things that will likely be emotionally difficult campaign.

Sigh.

I'm ready to put this shit behind me.

Last word was the retrial starts on the 21st. Oh, joy.

Where's Is.aac?

So what do you think? I have some tinkering to do, and there are a few other things to finish up, but I love the new look. I hope you do, too. :-)

Thank you so much, April!

The images that represent the boys crack me up--the big boys as Super Boys...flying around in those glasses, the baby with his Super Strength--they make me smile. They remind me how incredibly amazing my guys are. To me, they are Super Boys. All of them.

I had to laugh, though. It seems that someone wondered what happened to Is.aac. And you're right, he isn't represented in the header.

Yes, he is a huge part of my life. Yes, he is part of the team around this place.

It's okay. I actually talked to him about it. His thought was that it was my blog--my place to vent and get it all out. I offered to add him if it upset him. He didn't think I needed to do that.

"Stac, you can't juggle me. I'm too big."

Um...that's right. He is too big for me to juggle. Lol.

Besides, unlike with the family blog, he has very little to do with this space.

Let's face it. He has only ever read a handful of posts when I've asked him to do so. He is pretty much hands off when it comes to my personal blog.

So there you go.

P.S. I am sorry that you may need to update your readers. I'm not sure if it will automatically update there with the new URL.

Leftovers - Late As Usual (It's My New MO)

• This place is going to get a new look on Monday. I am super excited about it. I don't know how the designer did it. She managed to capture my ideas, which were pretty vague, and create something I really like. It's going to feel much happier for me.
• Do you do that? Do you get feelings or moods off of inanimate things? When we bought the house we are in right now, it was a grey/blue color. It always made me so sad to drive up to it. I hated the way it looked. After about a year, we had the outside revamped. Now it is a cheery yellow. It's so much...happier when I look at it now.
• I'm also going to get a new URL while I am at it. I think it is time. This space never really felt like home to me; it's been more like a transition space. I'll be moving to stacieslife.com.
• Thanks for your thoughts on which Creme de la Creme post. I think I was leaning toward that one anyway. You agreeing with me helps to make me feel a bit more confident about that choice.
• On the one hand, I am happy to no longer have to wake up in the dark. Also, the extra hour of sleep is nice.
• It sucks, though, that it will get dark so freaking early. Sigh. I think I already miss Daylight Savings.
• The crazy SIL with the daughter who chokes my boys is pregnant again. I am struggling with it. She just announced on FB. Sigh.
• I told Is.aac that I am going to have a shit fit if they throw them a shower. I will not go. This SIL visited us in the hospital after Jack was born. That was it. We didn't get anything from them--not even a card acknowledging his arrival. (I was recently given some nonsense about how I didn't need a shower because Jack was a boy and we already had boys. That pisses me off even more. It isn't the "stuff". Just acknowledgment that he's important to the family is what I wanted.)
• I think that Ja.son has decided he needs to be potty trained. Thank. Goodness. Finally. I had given up.
• Sh.awn is now the master of the tantrum. Oh man does this boy throw a fit. There doesn't seem to be a rhyme or reason for them either. Look at him wrong? Fit. Ask him to do something he doesn't want to do? Fit. Ugh. There have been a few times that it was almost all I could do not to wring his little neck! (he has one of those piercing screams, too. ugh) Tell me this stage is short lived.
• In case you are wondering, the girl I wrote about it the last post is getting all kinds of services to help her. Will it be enough? I hope so, but probably not. Do I worry about her baby? Her? Absolutely. It all makes me very sad.

Head over to Danifred's for more Leftovers.

No Fun

You know what is absolutely no fun at all?

Talking to an 8th grader about how to get her 8 month old baby girl to sleep through the night.

Listening to her cry while she tells me the baby wakes up 6 times a night and although her mom said she'd help, she has now decided that my student "made her own bed and now needs to sleep in it."

Nope. No fun at all.

For the record, she was in 6th grade when she got pregnant. Sigh.