Leaving Jack

A few posts back, someone asked how I felt about leaving Jack and going to work. The short answer is that it has been really hard. It kills me to think that I'm missing out on the things he's doing at this time when every day brings something new for him. I worry that this may be my last chance to enjoy a baby--my baby.

When the big boys were babies, I was ready to go back to work. My maternity leave ended before they were even home from the hospital, so I took the 12 week extended (non-payed) leave to be with them when they came home. When that time was up, well, I couldn't wait to get back to work.

Sad, right?

It's just that everything about that time, and I do mean everything was so hard. My stress level was through the roof. I was depressed. I was grieving. I was in shock. I had PTSD.

There were doctor appointments and surgeries and therapies. The non-stop worry, not to mention the uncertainty, made me on edge all.the.time.

Work was a relief. It was an escape. I could almost call it a holiday. Even the trauma of being at a place that was shell shocked from a shooting was FAR less stressful than being at home.

I feel a bit guilty about admitting that, but it is what it is. Sigh.

I feel really guilty about wanting to stay home with Jack (and the big boys now too--they are at such a fun age!) when I couldn't get away from the big boys fast enough.

But oh how I wish I could stay home now.

I am seriously at awe at how easy it is to have this baby who rarely cries, eats fine, sleeps great, and doesn't have a trail of doctors following around after him. At any given time, he is meeting the expected milestones for his age and is even advanced in some areas.

Shockingly, I can just relax and enjoy.

Ah, it is so nice to relax and enjoy. That alone is so foreign to me that I have to fight finding things to worry about when it comes to him. (Confession time here: I had to buy an Angelcare Monitor because I just knew he'd stop breathing. When he first came home, I could NOT sleep unless he was right next to me. I'd wake every few minutes to make sure he was alive. There wasn't anything else to worry about, and that is the worst that I could think would happen. I became freaked about it. I still have a panic attack if I see he's been asleep and the monitor isn't on for some reason. Old habits die hard. Either that or I've truly lost my grip.)

My longing to stay home has darkened the beginning weeks of school. I'm having trouble getting back into teaching because my heart is someplace else.

I imagine (hope) that as time passes, it will get easier--the groove will return--maybe the desire will subside some.

Or maybe we'll hit a jackpot and I could be one of those lucky urban myths. You know the ones. They get pregnant with just plain ole sex. Now that would be amazing.

One More For The Books

Well, actually two for the books.

• Tomorrow (Friday) Sh.awn will have yet another surgery--bilateral strabismus surgery. While this is a relatively "minor" surgery, I am having difficulty dealing with it. He'll be sedated and vented, which to any NICU survivor is never good.
• It's just that he's been through so much already. For once it would be nice if he could catch a break on something...anything. Apparently, this isn't the thing.
• It totally sucks having to replay his medical history over and over again. I think this is surgery number 13 for Sh.awn.
• The fact that 13 is often UNLUCKY didn't escape my notice.
• I'd have to look at my notes/files to be sure if that is the correct number, but frankly I'd prefer not to right now.
• Because, dude. The thought of reliving some of that crap makes me sick to my stomach.

• I officially started AF yesterday. This time I made it exactly 8 weeks ppd, which is a lot better than the measly 28 days I went after I delivered the boys.
• Do I need to tell you what CD1 did to me?
• Damn if the ttc thoughts are front and center in my head.
• The booming of my biological clock does.not.help.at.all.
• In my head I've already begun to fantasize a bfp without a room full of white coats...

P.S. I've been trying to write comments throughout the day today, but I can't seem to get blogger to let me do it. Anyone else having that problem?

Taxes and Curses

We finally got our tax return. Yeah! Except, I am starting to think that the damn money is cursed. It seems like every single year, something big happens that sucks up all of our return. It seems as if this year will be no different.

When we got our refund in 2006 - our tax return check showed up in our mailbox the exact day I discovered a major leak in the bathroom. New plumbing, wall, sink and cabinet later, and the check was gone.

In 2007 - We used it to help fund IVFs # 2 and 3.

In 2008 - I payed for my dad's funeral

And for 2009's - On top of the whole IVF stuff that will be coming this year, I woke up today with a tooth annoyance. It doesn't exactly hurt, but I know it is there, which is never a good thing when you talk about teeth. It looks like a dental visit is in my immediate future. I suspect that that molar which would 'eventually need a crown' has finally decided it was time to wear a hat. Oh, joy.

Now, I sure hope that this doesn't mess with the laparoscopy* schedule. If this somehow disrupts the plan and I have to postpone the surgery, I think I would literally lose. my. mind.

Seriously.

The plan is what is keeping me going. I freaking need THE PLAN.

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*As an aside, when I do spell check, it always suggest that "laparoscopy" should be "periscope." Really, blogger? That is as close as you could come with all of the ALI bloggers out there? Jeez.

Glowing

Comment by a colleague today:

Her - "You're looking luscious (her word) lately. Are you pregnant?"

Me - "Um, no. Why do I look bigger?"

Her - "Oh no. You are just...glowing lately."

Me - "It's probably all this caffeine I am on to get me through the time change."

Okay...

I sure don't feel like I am luscious (seriously. who calls someone else luscious?) or glowing. Actually, I feel quite the opposite.

I think she meant it as a compliment. Good grief, I hope she meant it as a compliment. I mean, she either meant it as a compliment, or she just told me I am looking fat.

Sigh. Even when I try to get away from thinking about IF and the way I wish things would be, I get reminded.

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14 days until the lap.

30ish days until O with squeaky clean lady bits.

Funkfest 2010

I'm in a Funk with a capital F. Blah.

Contentedly sitting in a holding pattern has never really been a strong trait of mine, and it feels like I have been forced into that state in every area of my life. Thoughts about... everything are bogging me down, making me feel overwhelmed and sad. Fortunately, I was smart enough to realize a long time ago that the only surefire way to bring myself out of this kind of mood is to DO something. Oh, but how hard that is when you don't really feel like doing anything but wallow in self loathing and pity! Knowing you should be doing something doesn't make the actual doing part any easier, that's for sure.

I am trying to pick myself up and move on, so I've developed a plan. The strategy is simple--I am writing a list. I need the power of seeing the tangible representation of these worries. In black and white, they are not as scary, not as insurmountable. I can focus on one thing at a time; I can manage one day at a time. Most importantly, I will be DOING something and not just whining about how tough my life is.

Hopefully, before I know it, I will have passed all the hurts and worries of the month. Then voila. April.

That's it. Easy peasy.

So far I've managed to survive a m/c anniversary and the big scary neurologist appointment. (I'm not really going to get into to it here, but let's just say I am back to teaching the boys how to flip the bird. This particular doctor needs to see a little sign language. Ahem.) Man, it felt so good to cross them off the list and put them behind me for the time being.

I also got a bit of good news just a bit ago. I have a surgery date--March 30. The best news is that the insurance will cover it a 100%. All I have to pay is my $125.00 copay! I am beyond relieved. I am also excited because I should be recovered by the time I get out of school for spring break! Wooohooo!

It might be challenging, but maybe, if I am lucky, I can and will survive this month. What a thought!

I've been doing a little checking, and it is all starting to make sense. These symptoms started after the boys were born...

From Endo Resolved website:

The most common symptoms of Endometriosis are:

• Pain before and during periods (check-for about a week before I start)
• Pain with intercourse (no)
• General, chronic pelvic pain throughout the month (yes-thought it was due to the stim medication and/or their after effects)
• Low back pain (yep)
• Heavy and/or irregular periods (for the first few days it is heavy, but it is pretty regular)
• Painful bowel movements, especially during menstruation (um, yes...good Lord, yes. always during AF)
• Painful urination during menstruation (no, but could this be the "UTI" symptoms I just had?)
• Fatigue (always, but this could just be from life in general)
• Infertility (sadly)
• Diarrhoea or constipation (both, depending on the day)

Other symptoms which are common with Endometriosis include:

• Headaches (yes-for days before I start AF)
• Low grade fevers (have had them in the past)
• Depression (um?)
• Hypoglycaemia (low blood sugar) (not that I am aware of)
• Anxiety (who me?)
• Susceptibility to infections, allergies (as a matter of fact, I break out in hives pretty much every month as AF begins. lasts for a few days before leaving.)

I'm thinking this laparoscopy idea is a good thing.

So.

It was an interesting meeting.

Where to start? Oh yeah. Let's start at the whole "WTF? Why am I not pregnant?" question.

The short answer is we just don't know.

The long answer, which is considerably more palatable to a type A personality like myself is:

As he sees it, there are several areas of concern.

• First, I am having more pain before AF starts now compared to what I experienced pre-boys. There are some months I have pain for an entire week before bleeding actually begins. This does not make me a happy camper to say the least. This is a problem because in his experience, a majority of patients see a reduction in pain after a successful pregnancy.
• A second area of concern is that when I had my last retrieval in July, he found several chocolate cysts on my right ovary. On subsequent scans, I still have at least two more lingering cysts. The cysts are non-estrogen producing and continue to grow. His theory is that said cysts will also be of the chocolate variety.
• Area of concern numero tres is that there was slow spillage of my left tube. Couple that with the post op notes describing my tube being fused to my BOWEL and some UNKNOWN LOCATION! and all signs are pointing to an endometriosis issue. (He was quick to say that he does not think my tubes are leaking back into my uterus and preventing implantation problems. He just thinks that it is something we should investigate further just to be positive all is okay.)
• The fourth area of concern is my homogenous lining (pre-boys it was consistently triple striped). The thickness of my lining is excellent, and having homogenous lining in and of itself isn't really an issue. The issue that he wants to investigate is the change from triple striped to homogenous. (This can also simply be from a change in the position of my uterus post delivery--something about the change of view from the ultrasound wand.)

That leads him to want to do a laparoscopy and hysteroscopy before we do another cycle. Oh fun! There is endometriosis, but we aren't sure just how much. He figures while we are at it, he'd do the hysteroscopy just to rule things out with my uterus/cervix.

Frankly, I am okay with this. I would rather be safe than sorry. If this could potentially find something we can fix, I'd be ecstatic. If it does nothing more than rule things out, I am okay with that, too.

After that, the next option is really up to us. Theoretically, should all be found (or most likely made) sound with my girly bits, he thinks it wouldn't be unreasonable to try IUI's again. (GASP!)

Should he find issues with my girly bits we can't fix, at least we'd know that IVF was the way to go and no time would be wasted with other therapies.

And although we'd probably just go ahead and do another IVF route rather than IUI's, it would be nice to know that my body was in the best shape possible before we tried again.

He did bring up quite a few of the positive things we have going for us.

• He said for someone who had a higher than wanted FSH number, I really responded more like the average for my age groups (those without higher than wanted FSH numbers).
• My blasts looked really good in July when I had my last fresh cycle--with 50% of my embies making it to blast stage for transfer and the freezer!
• All of my blasts made it through the thaw in excellent to good condition (one of which made it through 2 freezes and thaws).
• I am still young (isn't he sweet)
• Is.aac's sperm count is great

I have already contacted my OBGYN to get the referral for the lap/hysteroscopy. They will probably label the procedure for pain rather than for fertility, just to ensure that it is covered. It is still unclear which of the doctors would actually do the procedures (OB or RE or together) and when it would be. We left on the note that we'd do it as soon as we could get it cleared through insurance. Once my girly bits are cleared for take off, we'd start the next cycle, probably April-ish.

So...

I guess there I go.

Oh, I did ask about the spotting. Did he think it was an actual UTI (the culture came back clear on the sample they sent out!) or implantation. He just didn't know nor did he make any guesses. He added it to my chart though.

But if it was implantation, why did I NEVER get a positive pee stick?

Sigh.

I haven't decided which is worse: to get a positive and have it declared a chemical or just to never get the positive.

I think it is a damn crappy tie.

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Can you believe this is my 700th post?

Okay, Universe. This Is Getting Old.

Scan went well; lining looks great. There is enough time to cycle, and my FET (what the hell, what is the worst that can happen with a FET?) would be the week of the 15th.

So why the title?

E2 was at 265, too high to start today. I go back in on Friday for another attempt, but well, I am not holding my breath. The nurse said that if the numbers were what they were looking for, and what those magic numbers are I don't know, then we'd start the cycle then. I know if I get my hopes up, things will most certainly not work in my favor. That is just how things roll around here. So, I am focusing on it not working and giving myself the chance to be pleasantly surprised. Or something.

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I took the boys to their pediatrician to get their h1n1 vaccinations after the RE appointment. (That was surprising because they said they weren't going to get them and had referred me to the county's public health agency for them.) Anyway, the boys got their shots, but they wouldn't vaccinate me. The nurse practitioner kept saying they only had a specific number of doses with no extras. Blah blah blah. Coincidentally, there was a public health h1n1 clinic happening today not far from the pediatrician's office anyway, so I and picked up my mom before heading over there. An hour and a half later, we were vaccinated. It only bothers me slightly--or more than slightly--that Is.aac got his vaccination in just under 10 minutes a little bit ago, but whatever. We at least are able to check that threat off the list.

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Ja.son had an appointment with an othotist today also. He'll most likely be getting orthotics to correct his rather pronounced pronation. The expectation is that with these he'll be able to master the balance issues preventing him from walking unassisted. The problem is that the freaking things cost $1300! Insurance may cover the cost, but it isn't guaranteed because he has no official "label." I am hoping my wit and charm will work their magic on the poor unsuspecting insurance person and this is a non issue.

What? I can be nice when I want to be. Ahem.

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So that is today in a nut shell.

The FET is on hold until better estrogen numbers hopefully on Friday.

The boys, my mom, Is.aac, and I are all vaccinated against the h1n1 virus.

Ja.son will get yet another device to wear. Bleh.

Oh, and I am trying to keep singing my song as loud as I can. Even if the worst happens and I don't cycle this month (or next), it's all gonna be be okay. Every little thing gonna be okay...

No Surprise

Negative.

Blah. In true die hard ttc'er fashion, I asked the nurse if I can start cycling again when AF arrives. I don't even care how it happens--fresh or frozen. How sad is that? I just want to see an end to all of this shit (with a real, live baby at the end of course).

I am waiting for the RE to call to talk about options. At the very least I'll call them should my AF arrive before he contacts me. After my two first miscarriages, I bled approximately 4 days after I stopped PIO. Hopefully, this time around will be the same, although the nurse said it could take anywhere from 2 to 12 days with progesterone levels as high as mine are. It would be nice if AF arrived on Friday so I can go in for scans and blood work on the weekend and not miss work, but I won't be picky.

You know what? That's crap. I am going to be picky.

I declare AF to be here on Friday. Hear that universe? **shakes fist at the sky**

I also hope that my "great" estrogen levels drop quickly as well. (anyone know how quickly that happens? my levels were over 1200) If my estrogen isn't low enough on day 2/3, they'll want to put me on the pill or make me wait.

Damn it, I am tired of waiting! **shakes fist at the sky again!**

Oh, and let's not forget the wrinkle that the lab will be closed the week before and week after Christmas. Ahem. I am all for vacations for people who work hard and all, but I lose a little sympathy when it interferes with my ever present planning.

I'm a bitch, what can I say?

But, should the universe listen and bring AF on Friday, AND make sure my estrogen is nice and low by the blood work day, AND let's throw in make sure that I have no cysts for scan day, then I have PLENTY of time to cycle before the lab closes.

Crisis solved.

A girl's gotta have a plan, or she'll go crazy.

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I am mostly okay about the negative. I am sad and angry, but I expected this. Yesterday really helped me, I think. Thank you for all your kind words. They really mean so much.