Things I Learned in 2011

Oh what a year this has been--a year of emotions and personal growth. I think this year has made me a more patient person, maybe even a better person. Maybe just a little? Whatever the case, I have learned a lot about myself and life in general.

• I learned how very different our lives would likely be had we not known prematurity. Watching a little person develop typically continues to highlight how very different our lives are from other families.
• I am learning that different is okay.
• I learned that always feeling like I am forced to take the hard route through what seems like every situation is not necessarily a bad thing. It is those tough times and situations which have made me the person I am today.
• I learned that I need to listen to my gut. It tends to be spot on, and when I don't listen, I suffer. Oh how I suffer.
• I learned that I am not as strong as I used to think I was. And still...
• I learned that I am so much stronger than I give myself credit.
• I learned that you can get more help with sugary sweetness; however, I can also be the world's biggest bitch at times, especially when it comes to making something happen for my kids. I am also probably the world's biggest sap if you have gone out of your way to help my family. 
• I learned that taking leaps of faith, whether that be through allowing someone to help, or going on an adventure by myself (BlogHer!), or just through trusting that things can and WILL work out, is a very good thing for me to do.
• I learned that I truly do enjoy all of the madness of parenting--yes, even the uncertainty--and that the little people I created are simply amazing!
• I learned that having three awesome kids doesn't stop the desire for wanting more...
• I learned that I am a worrier at heart. If there is nothing obvious to worry about, I will usually manage to find something anyway.
• I learned that worrying doesn't really help because 99% of what I worry about never happens.

To all of you who have continued to follow on my journey, thank you for all of your support, good wishes, and love. I need you to know that I have treasured each comment you've left. Your words have lifted me during some dark times. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

May 2012 be a year full of wonderful memories and happiness for us all.

**Thanks to Kristin and St. Elsewhere for giving me this idea. There I go borrowing again...

Where Did My Vacation Go? & Jack Is 9 Months Old!

So.

For those of you who are teachers, you know how vacations go. For those of you who are not, let me clue you in...

vacations are often not relaxing and restful for the teacher.

Nope. Instead, vacations tend to be jam packed full of stuff you had no time to do while school is in session.

In other words, shit like going to the dentist or the doctor (we've had 6 doctor/therapy visits for the boys this break), cleaning your house (um, didn't happen), finally catching up on laundry, or other such "entertainment" becomes priority because for these brief few days,

you!

have!

all!

this!

extra!

time!

Not.

Okay, fine. I suppose there is a lot of extra time in theory. In practice, not so much. Before you know it, it is the last Friday of vacation and all you've done is run around. Somehow you were always busy and yet there is still a ton to do.

Ugh.

I had three main goals for this break. 1) Get Ja.son potty trained, 2) Finally take the paci from Sh.awn. (Don't judge. That paci has been a godsend for my guy when he was so, so sick. Besides, we all have vices.), and 3) Clean the garage so the boys will have a place to practice with their walkers.

I didn't start the #1 until yesterday. My fingers are crossed that maybe he has finally decided that he is going to do this peeinginthestupidpottyandnotinhispantsbecausehe'stoolazytostopplayingandjustGO. He had two accidents yesterday. Only one today. I have hope that tomorrow will bring zero extra loads of laundry.

I started #2 today. I felt like the meanest person in the world while I watched Sh.awn search for his paci before bed. He was so sad! He finally managed to fall asleep (without the paci!) after two hours of staring at the ceiling. We shall see what tomorrow holds for the paci saga...

As for #3, I guess I need to get to this. Now that the walkers are to be ordered, it is important that we have a place for them to easy practice walking with them. Our house is too small for them both to get around with their walkers. (A good reason to move to a new home, I say. Is.aac doesn't see the logic in that. Sigh.) I plan on taking some time tomorrow and just get in there and start purging. I have to admit, though, that the will is weak. And I am somewhat pissy about Is.aac not wanting to help. I expect him to again be eating the bon bons while I do the work. :-/ (Bitter much? Me? Never.)

---

I just wanted to mention that big boy is 9 months old today. He weighs in at 22 pounds, 4 ounces, and is just shy of 32 inches long. Holy cow.

The boy's got 8 teeth and is working on his first molar (help us!). He is a true delight! I truly am a lucky girl to have three such amazing kids. :-)

Scattergories – New Year’s Edition

Tonight's game is from Creating Motherhood. :-)

SCATTERGORIES – it’s harder than it looks! Play here or let me know if you play on your blog. (note to those new to the game: these don’t have to be actual truths. If it helps- replace the word “you” in the questions & substitute it with “someone”.) Play on & use your imagination!

Use the first letter of the answer to the first question to come up with answers for the rest.
(and have fun – this is silliness!)

1 )What is was your theme song for 2011? The song that has played most often through my mind this year is "Give a Little Bit" by Supertramp (although the Goo Goo Dolls version will work). There is something about that song that makes me smile and lifts my mood. It makes me remember to give just a "little bit" more to the people around me--whether that is my kids, my husband, or other people in my life. It helped me take my thoughts away from myself and turn it toward the people around me.

2) Something you achieved in 2011 - Giving birth to a full term baby. This was a big one for me.

3) Something you failed in 2011 - Getting back my mojo (I'm getting there, though)

4) Something you tried for the first time in 2011 - Going zip lining!

5) Something you plan on doing in 2012 - Going to Disneyland! The boys have never been.

6) Something you plan on adding to your home in 2012 - Good times and lots of fun

7) Something you plan on letting go of in 2012 - Guilt (letting go of guilt is ALWAYS the plan)

8 ) Something you wish would happen in 2012 - Get pregnant with #4 (I have lost my mind and it likely won't happen because I can't bring myself to spend more money on IVF, but a girl can dream, right?)

9) Some place you wish you could travel to in 2012 - Galapagos Islands (It has to start with G and this would be a cool place to visit, although it is probably not at the top of the vacation list.)

10) Something you will say on New Years Day - "Get up! It's midnight!" We are notorious for missing it. Ahem.

Closer

Yesterday the boys were measured and fit for their new walkers. Finally. After another incredibly frustrating two month wait.* Ugh.

Anyway, Jason will get a shiny new blue walker with minimal support. There is talk about independent steps...not needing it long...nice increase in muscle strength. Such wonderful things to hear!

Shawn has a racing red walker coming his way. He's made such progress lately. He even climbed onto the couch by himself today before I got up. That hasn't ever happened without us supporting him (his right arm specifically). He's getting stronger. He is fiercely determined, too.

I am so proud I could burst.

First magic shoes...add in the walkers...look out world, my boys are going to take you by storm! :)

*We shall see now how long it takes for us to get them now that they are ordered.

Acceptance

"Acceptance is a person's agreement to experience a situation, to follow a process or condition (often a negative or uncomfortable situation) without attempting to change it, protest, or exit." (Wikipedia)

This.

Acceptance.

I need to learn it.

Embrace it.

It is against my nature, though.

I don't accept. I fight. I always have.

I learn about something until I can conquer it...

make it the way I want it to be.

Sigh.

But I can't conquer everything.

I suppose I shouldn't even be able to...

but damn I want to.

Most days I am better at faking it.

You know what they say, "Fake it 'till you make it." I try to, I really do.

On those days, I feel so close to accepting...

Still, something inevitably shakes me out of the game of pretend--reminds me that I am only playing make believe.

The facade may look the same; the frame is intact.

The foundation, though? It cracks a bit more each time.

Tiny, hairline cracks, probably barely noticeable to anyone else.

Only I know they're there, because with each new line, I feel weaker.

Less in control.

Less secure.

I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.

I want to BELIEVE that all will be okay - tonotquestioneveryfuckingthingsimplybecauseIdon'thavealltheanswers.

To TRUST in the process.

To learn to ACCEPT what I cannot change.

Christmas 2011

The children are all tuckered,
From their fun filled day,
Snuggled in bed,
To (hopefully) sleep the night away.

The parents are both sitting,
Remembering the sight,
Of the three little faces,
Aglow with delight.

They opened their presents,
They played with their toys,
They laughed and they giggled,
All filled with Christmas joys.*

From our family to yours,
We wish you peace, joy, and light,
Merry Christmas to all,  
and to all a good night!**

The dynamic duo in their Christmas pajamas.

Jack in his Christmas pajamas.

---

For those of you who wonder why the boys are always separated when I take pictures, behold this...

Jack just joined the party on the chair.

No one is happy. Cue madness.
Cue mommy picking Jack up and removing him from the chair.

Then I am left with a bunch of pictures that look like this.

'Nuff said, right? Sigh.

----

*Inspired by "Up on the House Top" by Benjamin Hanby (1864)
**Clement Clarke Moore - from "Twas the Night before Christmas" (1822)

A Gift for Grandma

On Monday we got the surprising news that my 89 year old grandma is coming to visit for Christmas.

My first thought on hearing this news was something along the lines of "Oh good. The boys will love to see her!"

My second thought was "Crap. What am I going to get her for Christmas?"

Now that she will be here on the big day, the usual handmade ornament the boys make for her just won't seem like much when she watches everyone around her open gifts. She said she didn't want anything, but come on. It just feels wrong.

She's hard to buy for actually. She likes sports, specifically the Phoenix Suns, gardening, feeding the wild birds that come to her yard, and reading. That's about it.

Family members have latched on to that interest and continue to flood her home with all kinds of team crap merchandise. Frankly, there is only so much purple and yellow gorillas a person can take.

Pictures are not really an option. There are a lot of kids, grand kids, and even great-great grand kids now. Every picture we send gets stuck up on the wall somewhere. No pictures are ever taken down, so...yeah. (I did make her a calendar, though. I figure she HAVE to get rid of it when the year is up. If she likes it I can just make another one for her next year.)

Gardening and the bird idea were quickly nixed too. She's getting old enough that she can't do a lot of gardening. Plus, now she's watched the birds long enough to know a freakish amount of information on every kind that might possibly fly through her line of vision.

That, my friends, leaves reading. Easy peasy, right?

You are wrong.

My grandmother only reads romance novels. She will not read anything else. Ever. If she starts a book and thinks that it isn't from the genre, she puts it down.

Let me just say, that it is challenging finding romance novels for your grandmother. All the books at the bookstore looked like this:




I could not bring myself to buy her a book called Ecstasy Untamed. People. It's a "Feral Warriors Novel" even. (shudder) Could. Not. Do. It.

Nor could I buy her something like this:

Um, Nauti Intentions? For my grandmother? She may have naughty intentions, but it weirds me out thinking about what they may be.

Let it be known that I could buy these books if they were for my mother or friend. Then I would have had a field day with the double entendre of the titles and the hunks on the cover.

When you take out books with titles like those, the vampire porn romance stories, and the books with characters with stupid names, you're left with slim pickings. I also had the prerequisite that it had to be long* because if I was going to be spending my money for one of these books, she needed to have something to read for longer than two seconds.

I needed something safe. Because apparently I am a prude. (Sigh) I ended up with these bad boys or, um houses.

See? Not a naked body to be found!

Think she'll wonder what is up with this nonsense?

Probably. Lol.

Right now it doesn't matter. I got her some books. She'll be able to read. But most importantly, I won't want to hide every time I see her reading!

*Is.aac was quick to inform me that longer doesn't always mean better. Or so he's heard. I just about fell to the floor with laughter!

Friday Night Leftovers

• I've had numerous dreams the last few nights. Horrible, frightening dreams of being buried in sand of all things.
• Nightly, I've been putting myself into some situation that ultimately leads to me falling into a hole. How that happens varies. What is repeated, however, is my struggle to free myself; my clawing and pulling, digging and panicking, only to have more sand fill in the empty space I had just created.
• Just as I come to the realization that I am about to suffocate, I wake up. Fun times.

---

• Is.aac and I had a major argument the other day. It was an ugly one, with tears and lots of anger. It left me spent and sad and now I can't seem to shake the feeling.
• My heart hurts.
• Sigh.

---

• I am officially on winter break. (How telling is it that I first put "winer" [as in whiner] break? Hm. Am I the whiner or are the kids at work the whiners? Probably both.)
• I am in desperate need of some R and R time.
• I left my travel mug at school, though. How horrible would it be to just leave it there until I go back to work in January?
• Doesn't sound too bad, right?
• Would you still say that if you knew it was filled with Carnation Instant Breakfast this morning?
• Yep. Guess I make a trip back to work tomorrow. I can't even imagine the funk that would await me if I just ignore it.

---

• The big boys got their orthotics magic shoes this week.
• There has been a 50% approval rating of the new magic shoes. Well, actually there is a 100% approval rating from Ja.son and a 0% approval rating from Sh.awn. It feels more successful if I say 50%.
• Ja.son was crazy excited to get his new magic shoes "Now I'll be able to start walking!" and new "spiffy" tennis shoes. Yes, he calls his shoes "spiffy." The bad part is that the magic shoes increased his shoe size by 2. He is struggling to maneuver the big huge feet he suddenly has.
• Hoping that comes sooner rather than later.
• Sh.awn is walking very well with his new magic shoes. While he is standing up, they are great. Unfortunately, he has trouble sitting in them. He normally sits in the...gasp...dreaded W sit. His new shoes keep him from turning his legs the way he normally does, and he's too stiff (tendons) to just change his normal position.
• Of course it was Is.aac's day to take them to therapy today, so I didn't get a solution for what to do about the problem. I can't see making him less independent in this major area by making him wear the magic shoes all day long for those moments when he walks.
• To me that is just not acceptable.
• Remember the fight I mentioned above? Yeah. We differ on this thought.
• And I am not backing down. If they can't help Sh.awn find a solution (whether that is stretching him or whatever) then he won't be wearing this style of orthotics. Does that sound bitchy? No wonder we're fighting about it.

---

• Good grief. A little over a week is left until Christmas.
• I am NOT prepared!
• Yikes!
• Thank goodness for vacation or I'd never finish.
• Speaking of Christmas, I'm doing the "12 Days of Christmas" on the boys' blog. :)

Stop by Danifred's for more leftovers.

Christmas Meme - 20(ish) Questions Style

I am stealing this from Danifred, who in turn stole it from Rebecca. Really, I'd like to think of this as sharing instead of stealing... :-)

1. Wrapping paper or gift bags? For the ease of things, I like gift bags, especially if I am taking gifts to friends. I use wrapping paper for gifts to my mom, though. I try very hard to get the fancy ribbon and make her gifts as pretty as possible. She always goes above and beyond for everyone else, so I take this chance to do something extra special for her.

2. Real tree or Artificial? Artificial. Guess who sneezes at the real thing. Go me.

3. When do you put up the tree? I am always late on the tree, not putting it up often until the weekend before Christmas. This year I decided to do it early (or why bother?) so it went up the weekend after Thanksgiving. I have yet to finish putting the ornaments on, though. I think it has about 11 balls on it. Ja.son thinks it is beautiful, lol. I may just leave it this way for him. :-)

4. When do you take the tree down? After New Years--the day before I go back to work after winter break.

5. Do you like eggnog? I don't think so. I haven't tried it. I did make an eggnog pie (the family raves about it) but didn't care for that at all. I didn't eat more than a bite.

6. Favorite gift received as a child? Barbie Dream Motor Home. I loved that stupid thing. Oh, I also got an Easy Bake Oven from Santa that I LOVED.

7. Do you have a nativity scene? I do not. Is that horrible?

8. Hardest person to buy for? Is.aac. He never likes what I give him, even when I think I am getting him the exact thing that he said he wanted. Sigh.

9. Easiest person to buy for? My mom.

10. Mail or email Christmas cards? I mail Christmas cards, but not until right before Christmas.

11. Worst Christmas gift you ever received? I've told you all about it before. I got a pager. From my boyfriend (Is.aac) in a box that was the same size as a ring box. I'm sure you can figure out why it wasn't my favorite gift.

12. Favorite Christmas Movie? A Christmas Story, hands down. Elf is the definite runner up. (this is the same as Danifred!) I love having A Christmas Story on all day on Christmas day. :-) I also like Love Actually.

13. When do you start shopping for Christmas? Late. I am a procrastinator. Not my best quality.

14. Ever recycled a Christmas present? Yes, mostly gift cards.

15. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas? Christmas cookies...mmmmmm.

16. Clear lights or colored on the tree? White lights outside. Colored lights on the tree.

17. Favorite Christmas song? All I Want for Christmas Is You

18. Travel at Christmas or stay home? We stay home. It helps that my mom lives 5 minutes away.

19. Can you name all of Santa's reindeer? I think. Maybe. I don't know.

20. Angel on the tree top or a star? Neither. No room. Tall tree + low ceiling = no topper

21. Open the presents Christmas Eve or morning? One present on Christmas Eve, the rest on Christmas morning

22. Most annoying thing about this time of year? I will admit to getting sick of Christmas music. Ugh.

23. Favorite ornament, theme, or color? I like it all! If it means something, it's on the tree.

24. What do you want for Christmas this year? Um...I want my boys to have a great holiday. This is really the first Christmas that they really get what is going on. It is so much fun to watch them enjoy everything so far. I hope the actual day is even better!

Yet Another Thing I Said I'd Never Do...

Oh how things change when you have children. There was so much I would say "I'd never" about before I had them, but now I find myself eating my words left and right.

Today was another one of those moments. I got myself up at 5 am, and if you knew me you'd know just how out of character that is, and went to a store for a toy. Well, actually I went to the store for two toys--the coveted LeapPad.

Did you know these suckers are sold out everywhere unless you want to pay twice (or more!) the recommended purchase price? Yeah. Apparently I decided to buy my kids one of the top toys of the year. I'm forward thinking like that, I guess.

Anyway, I got a mysterious email from TRU last night saying that they'd have limited quantities in their stores tomorrow at 6 am. I figured it was worth a shot, so I went. Of course there was a line, not sure why I didn't anticipate that, for the 32 LeapPads available. I hung my head, and joined the rest of the nuts waiting for a ticket to the prize.

But you could only buy one.

Clearly the poor guy sent outside to field all us desperate parents didn't understand that taking only one today would not be acceptable. He was clueless as to what it was like to have two kids who would fight like there was no tomorrow over only one...

The people in line started to plot and plan. Somehow, and I am really not sure how it happened, they managed to get their hands on enough tickets so that those of us who needed two got two tickets! It was beautiful.

I was in line with my tickets when the cranky manager tried to derail things. A woman ahead of me presented her two tickets only to have the manager proclaim she could only buy ONE LeapPad a day. He made quite the stink over it. She solved her problem by calling her husband over and having him buy one. (Which...sigh. I still don't get what the big deal was. It wasn't like she was going to buy 10 and put them on ebay. Besides, even if she did, what did he care?)

I panicked. I went up to the cashier and gave her only one ticket. Defeated, I walked out and sat in the car.

In front of the store, the poor ticket guy was still there with two more tickets to hand out.

There was no mad rush with people turned away sans what they wanted.

Everyone who wanted one could get one. And I wanted TWO, damn it! Back in the store I marched...

I waited for cranky manager to get called away and then went up to the cashier with my second ticket.

She looked at me.

I looked at her. It was obvious she knew I had just been in line. She had helped me even.

Sensing that I needed this stupid LeapPad, or maybe because she saw the crazed look on my face--I suppose possibly she could have just not cared, she took the ticket, rang me up, and sent me on my way.

I'm so relieved!

Now I just hope they like them. Cuz, you know, it would suck if I went through so much for them to not. lol.

Is He More Girl Than I Am?

Let me just start by saying that I really do try to not stereotype based on gender. My boys have dolls, say pink is their favorite color, and even carry around my purse. Yes, they have cars and other traditional "boy" things to play with, but I make sure that they have the traditional "girly" things to play with as well. They're kids...they get to play with all kinds of toys.

Sigh.

So, I am struggling with this realization that hit me when I was out, by myself, putting up the Christmas lights on the house.

By myself.

While my husband stayed inside and...held Jack or something. Maybe he was eating bon bons while he was at it. He probably was.

My husband may be more girl than I am.

More importantly, I may be more boy than him.

Yeah, yeah. He's got a penis and I don't. He's male. I'm not. I get all that.

I'm talking about the fact that he acts more like a girl in this relationship than I do. I mean, DUDE. The more I thought about it, the more sense it made to my somewhat annoyed frame of mind.

While I was outside, by myself, putting up the Christmas lights because he didn't want to get dirty.

Who does the home improvement? Me.

Who does the cooking for dinner? Him.

Who pays the bills? Me.

Who does the grocery shopping? Him.

I can go on and on...

And trust me that I did, while I was on that ladder, in the cold, by my damn self putting up the Christmas lights on the house.

I'm not sure I like this turn of events. I think I need to regain some "womanhood" and throw all of this "man" shit back at him.

Because hell if I am going to be taking down those stupid lights a few weeks from now, that's for sure.

(But the house does look pretty. :-) )

Friday Night Leftovers

• I took 148 eighth graders on a field trip to the Mu.se.um of To.ler.ance today. Holy hell it wore me out.
• I had to tell myself over and over for the entire ride down there that it was going to be a great experience for the kids. I was sort of hating myself for getting involved in another field trip.
• (I am also trying very hard to forget that I have another field trip scheduled for next month. Sigh.)
• We managed to bring everyone back to the school, so I'm calling the trip a success.
• Who cares that we got back an hour and a half late because of obscene amounts of traffic on the freeway?
• I care...those kids were wound up on sugar and caffeine after our very late lunch. It made for a very, very long ride home.
• Did I mention that I am worn out?
• Tomorrow I get to go spend the afternoon with my two sister-friends. I am wildly excited to be going out sans children.
• For the afternoon.
• BY MYSELF.
• I am giddy just thinking about it. :-)
• The crazy pregnant SIL asked us over to their house next weekend for dinner. I can't think of any way to get out of it without being a total bitch. I'm even tempted to hang out near some very sick person so I will have a reason not to go.
• On a happier note, I snagged $50 worth of Amazon gift cards from Swagbucks! Whoot! I think I've earned about $400 worth of gift cards since I started using it. Not too shabby, if I do say so myself. :-)

Stop by Danifred's for more leftovers.