2015

A lot of my FB feed today is about the end of 2015. There are reflections, fond (and not so fond) farewells, and hopes for the new year. It feels a little...off...odd? I don't know. It feels strange to not be doing the same thing, and yet, I don't want to.

I think more than anything, I am somewhat leery of the new year. 2015 has not been all that bad to us, so I don't exactly wish it to end. The lows haven't been too low. The highs have been relatively frequent. I have been less stressed, less overwhelmed. I kind of like that it was quiet and generally non-eventful.

While the year itself isn't necessarily the reason behind the calm, I don't have the desire to go changing things...you know, in case.

Sigh.

Ahead we must go, however, like it or not.

So bring on 2016. I'll cautiously step aside and let you do your thing.

I'd appreciate it if you'd be nice while you do it.

Leaving Jack

A few posts back, someone asked how I felt about leaving Jack and going to work. The short answer is that it has been really hard. It kills me to think that I'm missing out on the things he's doing at this time when every day brings something new for him. I worry that this may be my last chance to enjoy a baby--my baby.

When the big boys were babies, I was ready to go back to work. My maternity leave ended before they were even home from the hospital, so I took the 12 week extended (non-payed) leave to be with them when they came home. When that time was up, well, I couldn't wait to get back to work.

Sad, right?

It's just that everything about that time, and I do mean everything was so hard. My stress level was through the roof. I was depressed. I was grieving. I was in shock. I had PTSD.

There were doctor appointments and surgeries and therapies. The non-stop worry, not to mention the uncertainty, made me on edge all.the.time.

Work was a relief. It was an escape. I could almost call it a holiday. Even the trauma of being at a place that was shell shocked from a shooting was FAR less stressful than being at home.

I feel a bit guilty about admitting that, but it is what it is. Sigh.

I feel really guilty about wanting to stay home with Jack (and the big boys now too--they are at such a fun age!) when I couldn't get away from the big boys fast enough.

But oh how I wish I could stay home now.

I am seriously at awe at how easy it is to have this baby who rarely cries, eats fine, sleeps great, and doesn't have a trail of doctors following around after him. At any given time, he is meeting the expected milestones for his age and is even advanced in some areas.

Shockingly, I can just relax and enjoy.

Ah, it is so nice to relax and enjoy. That alone is so foreign to me that I have to fight finding things to worry about when it comes to him. (Confession time here: I had to buy an Angelcare Monitor because I just knew he'd stop breathing. When he first came home, I could NOT sleep unless he was right next to me. I'd wake every few minutes to make sure he was alive. There wasn't anything else to worry about, and that is the worst that I could think would happen. I became freaked about it. I still have a panic attack if I see he's been asleep and the monitor isn't on for some reason. Old habits die hard. Either that or I've truly lost my grip.)

My longing to stay home has darkened the beginning weeks of school. I'm having trouble getting back into teaching because my heart is someplace else.

I imagine (hope) that as time passes, it will get easier--the groove will return--maybe the desire will subside some.

Or maybe we'll hit a jackpot and I could be one of those lucky urban myths. You know the ones. They get pregnant with just plain ole sex. Now that would be amazing.

He Shall Always Be Dr. Doom...

Sigh.

The good:

Gestation - 32 weeks, 3 days

Cervix had no change. It was still 3.0 cm. No funneling. Cerclage is doing its thing. The baby's head was right there, so every time she pushed on my stomach, his head would thump my cervix. Odd sensation to say the least.

BPP either wasn't done? or I just missed the results.

Fluid was somewhere between 7-8 cm, which is down from last appointment but still in the normal range. It makes sense. I spent last night throwing up (either from extra iron or maybe some sort of food poisoning?), so I know I am on the dehydrated side.

Weight was estimated at 5 pounds 1 ounce.

The bad:

Mild pyelectasis was still noted in the right kidney. The size of his kidneys were unchanged. It sure would be nice if this would just resolve itself already.

I started having contractions this week. The most I've had was 4 in an hour. It isn't changing my cervix, so I am just to monitor them and call if I get more than 4 in a single hour. My mind is all freaked out, though, because I worry that I am having some that I don't feel.

The ugly:

They spotted premature atrial contractions (PACs) on today's u/s.

The most common cause of an irregular heart rhythm is when the top part of the heart beats too early (premature atrial contraction, or PAC). Sometimes this premature beat is transmitted to the bottom part of the heart; other times the communication between the top and bottom part of the heart is blocked after a premature beat.

An early beat that is transmitted or blocked will cause an irregularity in the heart's rhythm. These premature atrial contractions are very common in the second half of pregnancy and usually don't cause any problems. They may persist after the baby is born, but usually go away by one month of life. Medication is typically not necessary.

His heart rate was still around 144 beats per minute. The irregularity was only about every 10ish beats or so--just one wonky beat every so often.

Doom said that it would likely be fine. Don't worry he said.

The information I've found online has said it will likely be fine.

I guess this isn't as ugly as it could have been, but damn if it would be nice to not have to think about it AT ALL.

It makes me feel like they look so hard for problems, they aren't satisfied until they find something. Anything.

And cause worry.

And make me mildly freak out.

I go back in two weeks for more monitoring.

Taxes and Curses

We finally got our tax return. Yeah! Except, I am starting to think that the damn money is cursed. It seems like every single year, something big happens that sucks up all of our return. It seems as if this year will be no different.

When we got our refund in 2006 - our tax return check showed up in our mailbox the exact day I discovered a major leak in the bathroom. New plumbing, wall, sink and cabinet later, and the check was gone.

In 2007 - We used it to help fund IVFs # 2 and 3.

In 2008 - I payed for my dad's funeral

And for 2009's - On top of the whole IVF stuff that will be coming this year, I woke up today with a tooth annoyance. It doesn't exactly hurt, but I know it is there, which is never a good thing when you talk about teeth. It looks like a dental visit is in my immediate future. I suspect that that molar which would 'eventually need a crown' has finally decided it was time to wear a hat. Oh, joy.

Now, I sure hope that this doesn't mess with the laparoscopy* schedule. If this somehow disrupts the plan and I have to postpone the surgery, I think I would literally lose. my. mind.

Seriously.

The plan is what is keeping me going. I freaking need THE PLAN.

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*As an aside, when I do spell check, it always suggest that "laparoscopy" should be "periscope." Really, blogger? That is as close as you could come with all of the ALI bloggers out there? Jeez.

Because That's How Things Roll in My Life

You know that insurance approval I was waiting for? The one that was supposed to approve the lap and hysteroscopy? The one I got a letter saying that they needed the doctor's notes before they'd approve anything?

Well, apparently the insurance company wasn't trying to approve my lap at all. Apparently, all that crap was for them to approve the consult I had with the RE in January. Can you freaking believe that?

Sigh.

I finally connected with the surgical coordinator at the clinic. She explained that the RE had not completed the necessary paperwork for them to request the procedures. His notes say something about me deciding whether or not I wanted the procedure done with him or with my OB. The RE didn't want to process the request and run the risk that the insurance company would see it as fertility related rather than pain related (which is totally legit--I do have some freaking painful cycles). His line of thinking was that the OB would be better able to stress the pain angle and get the procedures approved at 100% less the copay of $250. Through the RE, there is a chance that my insurance company might consider the lap/hysteroscopy as fertility related and only cover it at 50%. (I have 50% coverage for diagnostics, IUI's, and IUI medication only. I have 0% coverage for IVF or meds. Got to love CA.)

Tomorrow I have to get a hold of my OB's office and see if they can give me any idea of what they think might happen should they try to process the request. If they think it is going to be the same outcome, I may have to say screw the whole thing. Yes, 50% would be better than nothing, but it still may be too much for us to swing right now.

Nothing is ever easy. Silly me, thinking that there was already an authorization in the works and things might go my way.

I Am Alive!

Popping in to say that I am alive.

School has been...horrendous, so I have been overwhelmed with stress. I've had a number of challenging students transfer in from other schools (why do all the crazies end up in my room?) which has made for some difficult days. We reached the crescendo today when there was a big drug bust, and it was discovered that a video of a fight was posted on You.tube. In all, fourteen kids got suspended, 9 of which were mine (from only 2 classes!).

The good news is that I am not going crazy. They really are challenging. Plus, it looks like next week will be a lot less stressful now that all of them will be gone.

It's good timing, really. Next week is the anniversary of the shooting. Not. looking. forward. to. next. week. at. all. Fortunately we have a four day weekend that starts on the anniversary date, so we won't have to be in school. That is something, at least. Sigh.

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Ja.son's orthotics are finally in for us to pick up! Yay! We go in on Monday morning to make sure they fit and bring them home. I am so hoping this will be the ticket to making my boy a lot more independent. I can only be his personal walker so long before it gets tiring. Anyway, wish us (mostly him) luck and pray this gets him walking on his own soon. (Have I said that he is just at the cusp, but can't quite get the courage to just go for it? I can't wait to complain about how he is into everything!)

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Today, I got a notice from the insurance company that they need more information before they approve my lap. They are waiting for something from the RE. Once they get that, they'll make the decision on whether they will approve it within 5 days.

I'm calling the clinic tomorrow to talk to them about it. Hopefully they'll clear it all up, so I can schedule everything and get it over with.

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I'm going to walk in a half marathon in May. I have no idea why this sounds like a good idea (because I seriously don't like to sweat!) other than the fact that my sister-friends are doing it, too. Spending a night away with the girls was just too great an opportunity to pass up, I guess. :-)

Okay, that's pretty much it on my end. Hope all of you are doing well...

Sapped

I've been in a funk lately. It's a strange feeling really. It isn't quite that I am angry, although that is there, nor is it just that I am sad because that is there, too. I guess the best way that I can describe it is to say that I just feel heavy. The weight of everything has finally caught up with me. I guess I thought I would feel better now that a plan is in place. But that hasn't done anything but make me feel even more weighted.

It doesn't help that I have been doing our taxes. Once again we are itemizing our deductions for medical expenses. Once again, the number makes me cringe. Once again, we could have bought a nice car and be free and clear on payments. Once again, there is nothing to show for it besides a lot pain and a million full sharps containers.

Sigh.

I am sure you've all read Mel's post titled "Was It Worth It" where she asked if we were given three wishes for our lifetime, would we use one or more of those wishes to have a child "either knowing what else you could do with those wishes or taking that leap of faith that you’ll be able to endure any other shit life tosses at you once all of your wishes are gone."

I left her a comment that day which said this:

I would have made having a child(ren) one of my wishes…even with everything that has gone wrong…even with all that was so hard and so painful…and even though things are not like how I pictured them…it would still be a wish I’d make again and again and again. There is so much that is right, so much that makes me smile and love being a parent even on the hardest and scariest of days.

The question I struggle with now is whether I’d use a second wish to expand our family again. I’ve gone over it so many times that I think the thoughts have worn permanent grooves in my brain, something similar to a well worn hiking path. I think I would. But…I do have to say that there has to be a limit to what I do now. I just can’t keep going forever trying to have another baby when there are more to think about now than just me and my husband.

There is no doubt that I believe with all of my heart that the boys are worth it. I would have done anything to get them, and will continue to do everything in my power to ensure that they grow up to be happy, healthy, productive individuals.

But what about now? Is it worth it now to go through all of this again?

That question continues to haunt me.

Is it worth it? Sure, if we get pregnant and have another child, of course it would be worth it. But...what if?...what if we never get there? What if we do all these treatments, spend all this money we barely have, and in the end there is nothing to show for it?

I always knew when we were trying for the boys we'd have children. I always believed...

Now, my core has been shaken.

I am struggling to find my faith that we will get there again.

That last tiny bit of strength that kept me going onward and forward has been sapped. Now the weight of it all just seems so overwhelming...

I hate feeling like this.

I hope this is just a phase.

I hope even more that it passes quickly.

Sigh.

Tomorrow is our follow-up appointment with the RE. I have loads of questions for him--he's such a lucky guy to have me as his patient. (yes that is sarcasm) I'm also going to have him go back to July and walk us through each cycle we've had since then, including the miscarriage.

It ought to be fun.

Sigh.

Wish us luck.