No surprise. Negative. I expected it. I just didn't feel pregnant.

I just wish it didn't hurt so bad to hear those stupid words.

I am off to go cry a little. Or a lot.

Be back later.

Rock-A-Bye Embie?

Did you happen to catch this article on MSN? 77% pregnancy rate in mice IVFs just due to rocking the embryo while culturing it?!

Sign my embies up. Apparently they can take the extra help.

You can bet my ass is going to be in a rocking chair next transfer--just in case.

7dp6dt = negative

Didn't even bother to test today.

Beta on Monday (17dpo). They don't do betas on the weekends. Fuckers.

ANYWAY, remind me to tell you about Is.aac's prophecy dreams..

Blah, Blah, Blah...

Second verse, same as the first.

6dp6dt is snow white.

Fucker.

You'll be happy to know that my E2 is a wonderful 640 (looking for > 100) and P4 is 43.5 (want it > 35). It's not like it does me any good, though.

No word on the UTI. I finished the antibiotics they gave me so we shall see if the symptoms return before the damn results do.

Sigh.

Okay. I lied. Maybe tomorrow I'll be in a better mood.

The One Where I Say "Fuck" A Lot

Let me just start by warning you. If you're not too interested in reading a whole lot of fucks, go visit Neenie to wish her a speedy recovery from her surgery and come back tomorrow. I'll try to be in better spirits...

---

Today I am all kinds of angry.

I should be 30 weeks pregnant right now. I should be happy and hugely relieved that I had passed the boys' gestation. I should be gearing up for the last bit of pregnancy before I meet my little one. I should be excited and anxious with anticipation!


Or at the very least I should be 14 weeks right now, pregnant from two top-notch blasts that gave me a 40-50% chance at success. Woohoo! Things just worked out perfectly; it was meant to be!


What I should not have to be doing is peeing on a stupid stick, going crazy because it does nothing but show me a single mocking line of red. 5dp6dt and it was fucking negative. Fuckity Fuck, Fuck, Fuck.


Sure there is hope. It's early. Blah, blah, blah.


I'm getting the sinking feeling that it won't matter how long I wait. That second line isn't going to come.


Damn it. Fuck, fuck, fuck.

It pisses me off that I have to continue to do this to myself (and our family) over and over again just to do something that is so fucking easy for others.


Say this cycle fails. I have to take yet another month off because my E2 will probably be way too high to start when AF arrives.


That takes us to March. Another fresh cycle. Another giant wad of cash spent on just a chance... and NO, I don't have insurance that covers IVF.


All that boils down to in my mind is that I have at least two months of more waiting. I am exhausted from all the fucking waiting.


---


It didn't help that when I went for my E2 and P4 midpoint check today, they hadn't even pulled my chart or written up a lab slip. It was like it didn't even matter to them whether or not this cycle got me pregnant.


It was just another omen of impending doom.

Yesterday I got the news that the wife of one of Is.aac's cousins is pregnant. She is my age and was out telling everyone with ears that they were pregnant while the pee was still wet on the stick. It made me so sad to hear. I couldn't even manage to muster up even a tiny bit of happiness for them.

Which is freaking awful.

This couple has a fourteen year old son and professed over and over again that they'd never have another one. She isn't the healthiest of things, so it never occurred to me that they'd try to get pregnant. But try they did. A whopping total of four fucking months.

And now she's pregnant.

Then there's us...

3 medicated IUIs, 3 IVFs, 11 mature follicles (for the IUI's) and 11 transferred embryos gave us the boys. Yay. Happiness! Selfish me, however, wants more...

1 IVF, 2 FET's, and 7 BLASTS later and what?

I'll tell you what.

A snow white fucking pee stick at 4dp6dt.

Bitter much?

Hell yes.

WTF?

Okay. Something is up. I know it is. But the damn urine analysis found NOTHING but traces of blood probably from yesterday's spotting. Holy hell. I am going crazy.

They are of course sending the sample out for culture which will take three days to get back. AND, they took pity on my poor soul and called in a script for some antibiotic I had never heard of before (it totally better not be some placebo or I will DIE).

I am tired, though. I know that has to be related to the progesterone. The have me taking 2ccs of PIO a night. Not only is my ass suffering, but I think it is making me so sluggish during the day that I am not even functioning! I may call them today to see if I can lower the dosage. For FET #1 take 2, I was on 2ccs of PIO and my progesterone came back at like 96. Me thinks I should be able to lower my dosage without too many worries.

No cramping per say that makes me think that things are happening down below. No stabbing whatsoever either. The only thing that I can describe is an off and on burning/pulling sensation in my lower right groin area. (I have it right now, but most likely that is because I am writing about it and I am insane like that.) Well, there is that junk and the whatever you want to call yesterday's bleeding episode, too.

I have been good so far--it is 9dpo and I HAVE NOT TESTED!

yet

Another One of Those Days

Okay. Today has been one of those days. I woke up this morning with an increased urgency to go to the bathroom. I didn't think anything of it. I've been drinking insane amounts of water, so it makes sense that I'd have to pee more. At about 11:00, the burning started, so I knew I must have an UTI as a little souvenir of Thursday's transfer. I called the clinic hoping they could see me today or at least call in a script for antibiotics to help give me some relief (no, I go in tomorrow-boo).

AND THEN, the spotting started.

Holy hell did that get my attention!

TMI ahead...

The first time it happened, I was actually excited. Whoot! Implantation bleeding. It was a tiny bit of pink after I wiped. But then it happened again, and again, and again, and again. There was never enough to make it to my pantyliner, it was only when I wiped, and the color changed from that pink to a more rusty, watery brick color, but still. It freaked me.

I have drowned myself in water and cranberry juice today. I am starting to feel a bit better. (isn't that always the way? they'll probably think that I am some coo coo for saying I have a UTI anyway)

Sigh.

Needless to say, now I am now going crazy. I hate for anything different to happen--for me different always equals bad. Blah.

I have no idea if this was implantation bleeding (which I had with two of my pregnancies) or just the stupid UTI, if that is what I actually have. If it was the UTI, would the spotting continue until I got treatment? In my case, the spotting stopped long before I was able to do anything much more than drink a bit of water.

What do you guys think?

Hurdle #4

And so it begins. Those little doubts that I will again be disappointed and filled with sadness in a week have crept into my mind. No matter how hard I try to push them out, they stay taunting and terrorizing my thoughts.

I have been feeling a lot of...burning is the best way to describe it in my lower right groin. There is an occasional cramp, but not much. That scares me.

With the other pregnancies, I felt a distinct stabbing pain that was strong enough to stop me in my tracks. I felt that pain every. single. time.

I'm waiting for that.

It makes me freak the fuck out that I haven't felt it.

Please let me feel it soon, so my mind can calm some.

I hate this part of things. I hate waiting for this tortuous amount of time to see if I have jumped hurdle #4. It sucks big time.

I am off to a friend's house today to have lunch and take my mind off things. Here's hoping I come back with a renewed energy.

I am also going to be looking for one of those butterflies!

As Is Tradition...

The post transfer belly shot..."We Love U Babies!" with three little butterflies flying around...

The belly looks pretty darn good for having twins, no?

• There is a Native American legend that says, " If you have a secret wish, capture a butterfly and whisper your wish to it. Since butterflies cannot speak, your secret is ever safe in their keeping. Release the butterfly, and it will carry your wish to the Great Spirit, who alone knows the thoughts of butterflies. By setting the butterfly free, you are helping to restore the balance of nature, and your wish will surely be granted." (from Wiki.Answers)
• In some cultures the butterfly is also considered to bring luck.
• The Butterfly represents transformation and is a symbol of metamorphosis. They are symbols of creativity and freedom and bring the gift of soul evolution. The Butterfly teaches the never-ending cycle of self-transformation. The Butterfly reminds us to stay in the moment and signals that you are ready to undergo some sort of transformation.

Just a quick update because I am still floating on the 2 Valium they gave me before transfer. All three blasts are now on board the mother ship (me - ha!), hopefully finding a nice place to settle in for a long stay. Things looked good with the blasts, too. whew!

Now the wait is on...

Tomorrow's the Transfer!

Just got a call from the RE. He advises us to transfer all three blasts, assuming they all make it through the thaw. I was leaning toward that anyway, so it just affirmed what I had been thinking.

He also said that these blasts are of slightly lesser quality than the two blasts we transferred last cycle. (although he did say that they were very conservative on what they consider "good enough" for freeze, so it wasn't like we were wasting our time or anything) The embryologist will review their grades, etc. tomorrow before the transfer.

Oh, and we've been moved up to 9:00 am. If you would, please send sticky blast vibes my way at around that time tomorrow. Hell, I wouldn't mind you sending sticky blast vibes my way until my beta and beyond!

I hope I can make it over hurdle #3 tomorrow. Damn, that thawing business is scary for me!

I am excited.

I am nervous.

I am afraid of the what ifs, and no matter how hard I try to block them, they rear their ugly heads. I just know too much now.

But, I am hopeful...

always hopeful.

I finally got my embryologist report on my snow babies. It looks like we still have three blasts left. The blast we didn't use for the last FET was refrozen! That has to mean something right? They only freeze good quality blasts, so...

Well, it makes me excited nonetheless. :-)

2 days until transfer. Whoot!

Whew!

Went for my scan and blood work today. I was pretty sure things were going to be cancelled after the scan. They could only find 2 of the 3 follies/cysts on the scan this morning. Coupling that with the fact that the two there are both around 30mm, they were pretty sure I had ovulated the one they couldn't find.

You know me and my overachiever body. Sigh.

But, thankfully, the blood work looked good and I am still on! Whoot! I start progesterone tonight. I am scheduled for transfer at 10:15 on Thursday.

We jumped hurdles #1 (day three bloods and scan) and #2 (stayed suppressed enough to get to transfer). Hurdle #3 is that the blasts survive the thaw. (oh please, oh please!)

Fingers crossed that this is going to be the sticky one (or two)!

For my memory:

Lining - 11H
E2 - 787
P4 - less than 1.0

The Ramblings of a Tired Mind

In bullets...

• My grandmother, my mom's mom, called us about an hour before she was about to get on a train to come to California to see us. From Arizona. With no warning. Um, yeah.
• We picked up my grandmother from the train station to find an aunt, my dad's sister, and her three kids literally sitting on our door step waiting for us. With no warning, they had decided to come visit. From a different part of Arizona. Um, double yeah.
• We celebrated my brother's birthday yesterday. Everything I got him was either too small or for some freaking reason had stopped working. I had to take everything back and exchange it today.
• My boys haven't napped in four days. I am going crazy. They are going crazy. Mostly, I am going crazy.
• Today is my last day of vacation and I have to go back to work tomorrow. I don't want to...I like this SAHM stuff. (if they'd nap!)
• I have a big staff training to do tomorrow. I am not exactly prepared. See bullets one and two above.
• Ja.son's $1300 orthotics were approved by the insurance and no one had to be yelled at in the process. :-)
• Called the orthoticist (is that what he's called?) to schedule an appointment only to find that he is out for the week and maybe next due to illness.
• I am cancelling the appointment we have with the neurologist this week. I just want Ja.son to walk into that place, which he can't do until we get his orthotics. I need to have things "normal" for once. To me, walking into a doctor's appointment is amazingly normal. (still working on them learning to flip the bird)
• Sh.awn hasn't thrown up since New Year's Eve. That one vomit episode has truly shaken me. I try to pretend that it hasn't.
• I try even harder to not think about what that vomit could mean.
• I am failing at that.
• Miserably.
• I had my scan and blood work today. My two cysts have grown slightly. I have a follie that is measuring 10x12 on the right side, too. E2 was 419. Lining was 8H. Del.estrogen was increased to .25 for Monday and Thursday. My next scan/blood work is on Saturday. I'll start progesterone shots Saturday night. We are still on for the 14th.
• I calculated what we spent on medical bills in 2009. It made me cry. All that money for nothing...
• While I was at the RE's this morning, another woman in the waiting room was wearing a sweatshirt that had the name of the hospital Sh.awn goes to for his surgeries on it. It made my head hurt to look at it, but I couldn't look anywhere else.
• Bleh.
• Is.aac and I have been arguing about stupid stuff. I am sure it is stress driven. It still hurts no matter what the cause. I wish I could get us to stop.
• Maybe I'm depressed???
• I've been working on converting a spare bedroom (the crap collector) into a playroom for the boys. I am trying to get my living room back. I am almost done. I have done it all myself. The kicker is that all of the crap in the room is Is.aac's.
• I feel the need to purge like crazy. Everything.must.be.cleaned. I just need a few more hours in the day, so I can do it all. I am killing myself trying.
• I have a post for the new year, but can't seem to get it finished. I've worked on it three different times already. WTF?

There's more. I'll spare you the torture of having to read more. What is here is just the tip of the ice berg. Sigh.

I'll move on to more upbeat topics next time.

FET #2...Or Is It #3 -- Whatever

The scan didn't go so well today. I have a rather sizeable cyst, well actually two on my right ovary. The big one is measuring 40x30 while the smaller one is only about 18x20. I was pretty certain that the cycle was doomed right then and there, but I did my blood work anyway. You know me, always the glutton for more punishment.

Imagine my surprise when I got the call today that we are on!! Whoot!! My E2 was only 28.3, which means that the cysts are not producing estrogen so I can start the cycle.

Jeez. My adrenaline is flowing man. I hate it when the clinic calls late...it never means good news. Whew.

Anyway, I start delestrogen tonight and Thursday. I go back on Sunday for my next scan and blood work.

We are on, Baby. 2010 is going to be the year!

Maybe this should replace my Perfect Monday Moment! (check below for a cute video of Sh.awn)

Wow, What A Christmas!

I hope all of you had a wonderful holiday filled with family, friends, and fun. For us here, I think this Christmas holiday will go down in the record books as one of the "bestest" ever. :-)

I am not sure how we managed it, but we were able to get the right combination of spending time with friends, just us, and the whole family. The boys soaked up the attention and were absolute stars everywhere we went.

On Wednesday, I went to my sisterfriend's house to make tamales. We had a blast spreading the masa (dough), filling the tamales with yummy goodies, and talking. The men folk came over in the evening and we feasted on our tasty accomplishment. The boys even liked them and mooched tamales from everyone they could find to give them some, probably because I wasn't the one to actually make all the ingredients! In case you're wondering, yes they had their own tamales to devour before they started the mooching.

Thursday was spent as a relaxing day together as a family. Is.aac had to work half the day, so the boys and I hung out and made merry by ourselves. We played outside and made a mess with play-doh. Good times. When daddy came home, we packed up the boys to go look at Christmas lights.

What's that, mommy?

Let's go over there, daddy!

Quit smiling! Let's get back to the lights!

That was fun!

They were fascinated with all the people around and loved, loved, loved the lights. I don't think either boys stopped talking the entire time we were out. The funniest part was how they told the lights "Goodbye, lights!" all the way to the car (and home, actually).

The boys are in a fun stage of knowing what to do with a present, but they don't have the expectation that there should actually be presents to open. That made Friday even more fun for me because they weren't expecting anything to be out of the ordinary. Their expressions of pure and utter delight as they entered our living room to see that a toy store had somehow exploded everywhere was almost worth every bit of everything we have been through in their lives. It definitely made it a day to remember.

What's this? (He swears they are spiders. I can't seem to break him of that, no matter how often I tell him they are caterpillars.)

Unwrapping our presents... (Ignore the big blond person in the background with the not-so-matching outfit-whoops!)

An airplane!

A remote! (And no, he wasn't fooled. The real kind is by far better.)

Sitting at our new table...

Reading a new book...

Looking at my picture album. (I made a book for each of them that is filled with important moments from their lives and family members. He's telling me there is a pumpkin right here.)

Once we finished opening gifts at our house, we headed to grandma's house where we did more of the same. I'll spare you the pictures except for this one...

Sh.awnie on his big boy bike. He rides that thing like a champ!

Doesn't he look great on that thing?

We ate like pigs, played Wii with the family, and just hung out together. Ah, it was just a perfect day. :-)

I do have to say, though, that I have reached a point now where I am completely exhausted. I am ready to get back to our regular normal routine.

---

Speaking of which, AF decided to show this morning, a full eight days overdue. I am off for my scan and blood work tomorrow at 8:15. This is the cycle, right? Right.