A Year Ago Today

On this day last year, I transferred three of my six little embies...

July 21, 2010
(I imagine Jack came from the good looking one.)



July 21, 2011
Jackson - 16 weeks and 1 day old
18 pounds 8 ounces, 28 inches long

 I am so very fortunate. So very, very fortunate.

Failed

So.

I mentioned last week that the boys had their last therapy sessions with Early Intervention. I got their "evaluations" in the mail this week, and I have to say that I was disappointed. I always think they low ball the boys' abilities. Whatever. They. Are. Rock. Stars.

I know what my boys are capable of, and that is what matters at the moment.

Except it isn't. Sigh.

As much as I want to, I can't keep the boys in my protective bubble.

Boo.

After a series of problems with our Regional Center (Early Intervention) we finally got our referral to the local school district for preschool. On Thursday, we take the boys to an "observation" by two psychologists and a speech pathologist to assess whether the boys qualify for services.

I am beyond nervous and a lot freaked out about the whole experience. If I am honest, I'll admit to being teary about it.

My whole being is screaming with the...wrongness of it all.

I hate that there are people whose job it is to pick apart my superheroes and find all of their weaknesses.

They won't focus on what can be done, only on what can't.

Yes, I get that they'll look for where the boys need the most help so they can address those weaknesses.

Yes, I get that (gasp!) these people might actually be able to help the boys achieve even greater things than they might have otherwise.

But, ugh. It feels awful to know that they will once again be judged..set apart...seen as different.

It breaks my heart.

As much as the mind knows I did everything I could--do everything I can to give my boys the best life possible, my heart still questions. It is times like these when the guilt ignites.

When I feel like I have failed them.

---

My next appointment with Dr. Doom is Friday. It will be my first cervix check since the cerclage. Every little ache or strange sensation has me worried.

Please let my body be doing what it is supposed to do.

I don't know how I'll handle failing another baby.

Let It Be

2 more sleeps.

All thoughts of keeping myself occupied so I didn't have to think about Friday have gone out the freaking window.

I have cleaned about everything in the house that can be cleaned.

I have organized.

I have shopped.

I have Facebooked.

And now...there isn't a whole lot more to do but wait.

Ahem.

As you know, I don't do waiting well. Waiting brings out the crazy in me. Ha. Who am I kidding? The crazy has been here the whole time.

I am beyond excited about Friday. The possibility and hope of what could be--that I so very want to be is enough to make me cry.

Yet at the same time, I want to run from Friday and never look back. This ultrasound fills me with such an intense, paralyzing fear.

We are checking for viability. There is the chance this will not be my happy ending once again. For someone with my history, I'd say the chance is pretty good. I think about last year and remember that dead screen, the look on the doctor's face, and the sad tone in his voice--I know how it can be. I am so afraid of how it can be.

I am trying to not think that way, and I certainly try not to dwell on negativity, but the thoughts are there nonetheless.

Sigh.

2 more nights.

2 more mornings.

Approximately 36 more hours.

And then I'll know one way or the other.

Let it be this time...please let it be.

"Let it be, let it be
Let it be, yeah, let it be
Whisper words of wisdom
Let it be

And when the night is cloudy
There is still a light that shines on me
Shine on until tomorrow, let it be"

WTF?

I am in total disbelief.

I think I am experiencing some sort of morning sickness!

I carried twins for 28 plus weeks and never once felt like getting sick. Ever.

Um.

For the last six or so meals, I've felt bad after every. single. one. Like ugh, I over ate (but didn't) bad. Like please don't even mention food or it will throw me over the edge bad.

Like throwing up bad.

Thankfully, I haven't thrown up (because I do everything in my power not to), but I have this feeling that it is coming...

Ugh.

I am not sure that I like this new little development!

Sigh.

---

4 more sleeps until the big u/s (at 6w6d).

Operation Distraction Continues...

For those of you keeping track: 5 more sleeps until u/s. Ugh.

Operation "Mind Distraction" is in full swing. We (okay, I) made sure to have a busy weekend planned to keep our (okay, my) minds occupied and away from the black chasm of fear that is so easy to find. I am happy to say so far, so good on the plan.

We (okay, I) have been successful. Mostly. Ahem.

But, this is me we are talking about; we all know my mind is one of the more challenging minds to distract.

We had a blast at the fair on Friday. Sh.awn loved the livestock animals, and I swear he spent a good 5 minutes mooing at one of the cows. The cow was gracious enough to repeatedly moo back at him , making the whole scene hilarious. Ja.son was more interested in the little petting zoo they had. He pet and talked to every animal there with the exception of an over zealous deer who kept eating Is.aac's shirt every time it got the chance. That deer was freaking crazy. Sh.awn didn't care much for the petting zoo. Ja.son didn't care much for the bigger animals. (We're talking MAJOR meltdown when a bull was rude enough to look him in the face and snort. It didn't help that a train happened to time its passing at that exact same moment. Ja.son. lost. his. shit. Poor guy.)

On Saturday morning, we opened up what we jokingly call "Mommy's Hair Salon o' Terror a la Flowbee" again and gave the boys hair cuts. (Is.aac affectionately calls the salon "de Hair 'em, Scare 'em.") It is a necessary evil, but the boys absolutely hate the entire process, which in turn makes us hate the entire process. Their hair looks great, although you would have thought we were cutting off random body parts while we were doing the cutting.

Saturday evening, Is.aac and I went to The Melting Pot. We loved it. It was so much fun. (Oh, and you were totally right about the jeans. It was fairly casual.) I don't think I have ever eaten that much food at one time in my entire life! We didn't do the dessert plate first, but I made sure to have enough room to enjoy it. Mmm...I can't wait to go back at some point. :-)

Today was spent lazing around the house, playing with the boys. We had plans to go to Tar.get but somehow never made it. In fact, I am still in my pajamas, so I couldn't have been that set on going in the first place. I did some laundry and cleaned, too. (My cleaning frenzy is starting to make me think I've lost my mind. Seriously. I am not a housekeeper.)

So that leaves us at tonight. Is.aac is in the shower. Once he is out, we are finally going to get to open our anniversary gifts for each other. I can't wait!

eta: I only got a card. Boo. Apparently something is in the works, but he hasn't received it yet. Not sure what it is, so I'll keep you updated when I find out what it is.

24 Hours of My Life

Alternately known as "What is keeping my mind occupied so I don't go crazy in the next 9 days."

Some of the highlights from the last 24 hours:

Last night at dinner, Ja.son pulled his glasses down off his nose and into his mouth. Is.aac told him to get the glasses out of his mouth, reached over to move them back on his nose, and said, "What did you do?" I headed into the kitchen to find Is.aac sweeping Ja.son's mouth with his finger. Apparently Ja.son ate the plastic nose piece off of his glasses. I have no idea why. Sigh.

TMI alert: I am a lot wetter than usual. This has of course prompted approximately 438 extra trips to the bathroom to check that all is well. It has been. Thankfully. That's where I was when Ja.son ate his glasses.

I got my official "Welcome Back to School" letter from my district today. I almost cried. I start back to work in twelve days. Where did my summer go?

Speaking of school, I have to go back sometime within these next ten days and set up my room and get my lesson plans together. I have left everything to the very last minute. Sadly, I may just pay for that. Blah.

Sh.awn has been visiting the "naughty chair" a lot this week. Personally, I think he is on the verge of a milestone or something because he has been like a different child. He will eat anything and everything within his reach (except his glasses!) and has been much more attitudinal than usual. Anyway, his new favorite thing is to go to the naughty chair and knock it over and push it across the room. The entire time he says, "Uh oh. What happened to the naughty chair?." He'll finish by leaving the chair in the corner, turned upside down. Think he is trying to tell me something?

Why won't both of my children eat the same food? I swear. If one likes something, the other acts like I've tried to feed him acid. Ugh. It is so frustrating. I hate cooking as it is. It is even worse when I have to try to please two picky eaters.

Ja.son was telling me about a cartoon he watched earlier today. The characters went to outer space on a "spay-shit" as he put it. I laughed so hard I cried. He couldn't quite figure out what was so funny though. :-) I haven't corrected him either. Bad mommy.

I have a cleaning bug. I cleaned my granite counter tops until they sparkled this afternoon. I also cleaned the kitchen and living rooms. I think the bed rooms and bathrooms are tomorrow. Note to self: don't wait so long before you do this crap again. Seriously. A person should not have cobwebs in so many corners of her house. It's gross.

Sh.awn is on a drinking strike. He is eating like a freaking pig, but he has dropped way down on what he is drinking. Like by half. He is peeing and all of that, but it sort of freaks me out nonetheless, so much so that I've been tempted to give him a bottle to get him to finally DRINK. My better judgement has won the battle so far, but dude. My resolve is quickly fading.

At 11:00 last night, I had to have a Carl's Junior Jalapeno burger, french fries, and ranch dressing. It was heavenly. Mmmm. Today I was reminded why that wasn't such a good idea. Unfortunately, I didn't learn my lesson because I am craving another one tonight. If only I could get Is.aac to go get me one...

He won't. Not cool, Is.aac.

This weekend Is.aac and I are going to go to the Melting Pot for our anniversary. I've never been before although I've always wanted to go. Has anyone been there? Did you like the food? Better yet, is it dressy or will my nice jeans work? (I love my jeans...) Anyway, our SIL will be here at 5:30 and then we are free to enjoy dinner and a movie. Wow. It has been ages since we've done that.

---

If you could, stop by and give One Day some extra love. Her beta decreased. :-(

The Date

When I was pregnant and ultimately lost it last year, I promised myself that I would celebrate another pregnancy if I was lucky enough to get the chance. I am struggling with that promise, though. Much of the time I am doing my very best to NOT think about it. I can't even label these posts anything other than "IVF #5". Isn't that sad? I tried so hard to get to this very place, yet now I am pretending that I am not. I know it makes no sense whatsoever, but I can't seem to help myself.

It helps a little that I was outed at my conference last week and now so many of my friends/coworkers know (6 to be exact--yikes!). They are excited for me and talked about my life last week like there was no alternative ending. I would have a baby.

Me.

A baby.

9 months from now.

Their excitement was somewhat contagious, which was good even though it made me a tad uncomfortable.

Is.aac walks around like he is sure that everything is going to work out in our favor this time. How he can be so sure after the crapfest we've been dealt is beyond me, but I am trying to at the very least not rain on his happy parade. Sometimes, I am even able to jump into his vision of the future and talk about it myself.

Sometimes.

But not often.

Not yet.

I was asked when I would be comfortable to just relax and enjoy what was happening. I was forced to pick a mental date for when I would no longer be afraid--a date that would signify a new beginning of hope--a date that was before the actual birth.

I said I would start to enjoy being the P word if once when I saw a heart beat. At that point, I will let the fear go as much as I can. It will no longer rule me.

The pretending will stop.

The celebration will begin.

Maybe in as little as ten short excruciatingly long days from now.

Should I see that precious heart beat, I think I will finally believe...

finally feel officially pregnant...

and that would be really, really fantastic.

Well Slap My Ass and Call Me Sally

(Well, on the other hand, please don't. It hurts too much. Let me just say that giving yourself a shot in only one cheek every day for a week because you can't seem to get twisted around enough to shoot the other cheek means you'll have one sore ass at the end. Ouch!)

Anyway...

I just might be that P word after all.

Beta was 1455.

Doubling time is 43.33 hours (or 1.8 days).

Ultrasound is scheduled for August 20.

Holy cow.

Home

I'm home! I'm home! I am so excited to be home with my wonderful family and nice comfy bed!

---

So, while I was using the hotel's super slow Internet, I somehow had my google account hacked. Google suspended my account because of "suspicious activity," blocked access to my email, and freaked me out by removing both the blogs from the Internet.

Can we say panic? Cuz, um, dude did I panic. A lot.

All is okay now. From what I could see when I was reconnected, I had about 50 strange emails sent to my account from who knows where. I was able to take care of that without much problem. More importantly, the blogs are back up, which makes me breath a huge sigh of relief.

---

I go in tomorrow for my repeat beta. I am nervous. Very, very nervous.

I have not tested this week, so I have no idea if the pee sticks would show that comforting darker line. Instead, all I have to go by is the sore boobs and the fatigue I've been feeling. There isn't much else happening.

By my calculations, if my hcg was 99 on the 31st, it should be somewhere around 1200 (or preferably higher) tomorrow.

That is a pretty high number.

I'm going to let myself sleep in a bit before I head down to the clinic. My guess is that I won't know one way or another until the early afternoon. I'll be sure to let you know as soon as I get the results...

wish me luck.

Conference Day 4

Still here at the conference. Internet service is super slow at best. I'll take slow, though, over the more numerous times the receptions is spotty and I can't get/stay on the net. Oh well.

Things are still...the same as they were, at least as far as I know.

Since I was outed, my coworkers have been extremely sweet. It still makes me a little worried that as many people know about what as going on (my roommate has a big mouth, too!), I really do work with some good people. I hear "Are you okay?" just about ever other minute. It cracks me up.

Saturday can't get here fast enough. A little reassurance that things are progressing as they should at this point is looking really nice right about now...

Conference Day 2

Got here yesterday. Things are going fine. Thankfully, I am having fun. We went to a show last night, which I loved, and have been eating a lot of food.

I have been outed when my roommates walked in on me giving myself a shot on the bed. So, I am choosing to live in the now and celebrate the possibility.

For now, I am that P word. I have let my slippery friend, Hope, into the picture.

While I don't know what Saturday will bring, I am feeling that things may be going as well as they can be now. My boobs still hurt enough to have to wear a bra to bed. Plus, I am tired earlier than my norm. I have quite a bit of crampy/uterine activity which has sent me running to the bathroom with the fear that I am just about to start my period. I always feel so relieved when there is nothing there.

I did have a tiny bit of tan spotting yesterday. There was nothing at all today. Maybe the spotting on Saturday and yesterday was implantation bleeding? Maybe it the Lovenox? Who knows?

I am trying not to think about it, really.

The hope I feel is not going to affect the future, but it sure does make living in today a whole lot easier.

---

Today was my 8th wedding anniversary. We talked and sent text messages to each other throughout the day. We have had a wonderful anniversary--at least it was as wonderful as it could be when we separated by 5 hours of driving! :-)

The boys have asked for me all day, but they are surviving just as well as their mom. My mom is finally home from her trip from Alaska, so they are also getting extra loving from grandma during the day to tide them over until I get home.

The Results Are In...

The clinic wants 100 at 15dpo.

My level is 99 at 14dpo. (and dude, the hpts were totally making it seem like there was less in there with the lighter than previous year's lines)

I am pregnant, but dang if that number isn't freakishly close to the pregnancy last year. To all of the pregnancies that I lost.

This time will be different.

I am on Lovenox.

Right?

I spoke to the RE. There is no problem with waiting for a repeat draw until Saturday of next week when I return. He said should my levels decrease, the PIO wouldn't hurt me. Besides, I was going to stay on the progesterone longer to prevent starting af anyway.

He did say that my level was "strong" and levels like this are usually indicative of a viable pregnancy. The spotting, because it was brown and sparse, does not concern him at all. He says fifty percent of pregnancies will see some sort of spotting. (IVF pregnancies? All pregnancies?)

Yes, but. This is me we are talking about. When have I ever followed the "norm" and do what ever else does?

I didn't say that, but the thought was there.

Sigh,

So, there it is.

99

A "good" number.

Not what I was hoping for but what is expected at this point.

It still makes me worried.

Stream of Consciousness

Updated to add: So just as I am finishing getting ready, I discovered that I spotted. Brown. Not much. But enough to rattle my already shaky confidence. It's old blood. I know that. It hasn't reappeared yet. It could be implantation. I am on Lovenox. Blah, blah, blah.

Trying to focus on the fact that today's test was darker than yesterdays. The lines are no where near as impressive as the boys' lines, but my beta was nearly 300 at 15dpo. That makes sense to me.

Still. It makes me worried!

---

I am about ready to head out to the clinic for my beta in a bit. My appointment is at 10:30. I have to say that I am very nervous, almost to the point of panicky.

I know it makes no sense on the surface. Let's face it, even I will admit that the test will likely be positive.

The part that makes me sweat and nearly drown with worry is the question of HOW positive it will be.

Each time I take a test I wonder.

Is dark enough?

Will it be enough to make this positive last?

Will it be enough to keep us from another heartbreak?

What will I do if it's not?

The beta level that scares me most is 100. I know 100 is the number that all the clinics will say they want to see your levels at by this dpo.

But you see, all three m/cs had initial betas around 100. One was slightly under 100 at 15dpo, although it was close enough that no one was worried. Another was 104 at 15 dpo. "Perfect," was what the nurse called it at the time. The pregnancy last year was 101 at 14dpo.

For me, 100 equals the kiss of doom.

It has got to be higher than 100 to keep me sane.

Anything less than that will shatter me.

I am afraid that what I see on those pee sticks is not going to bring me that high number I desperately crave.

Sigh.

I will update when the nurse calls.

---

There is also the little issue of being gone for a week and not being able to have the repeat test until next SATURDAY. I will not be taking hpts with me on my trip, either. I am not sure how I will be able to keep myself together for that long. Seriously. (How will I manage?)

I can't see how I will be able to take and store daily hpts and not tip everyone around me off that something is happening. As it is, I am going to have to hide the fact that I am shooting myself up twice a day with PIO and Lovenox. I am not ready for the people in my real life to know yet. I am still too fragile.

This...pregnancy is still too fragile.

The whole event should be interesting.

---

Being gone for a week from the boys is freaking me out.

I am dying about it actually. It would be so easy to just say I can't go for any number of reasons. I am trying to remind myself that I am getting paid my daily rate for the entire week, and we could use the money. It will benefit us for me to take advantage of the opportunity.

I don't want to go.

But.

I feel like a terrible mother, and I hate to admit this. Part of me is looking forward to a break, even if it is to work.

Vlog - My Obsession

Against my better judgement, and without a lick of make-up or cleaned bathroom, here it is...



Today is 13do.

Beta tomorrow.

Mostly Wordless Wednesday - Darker Is Better :-)

***In my delirium, I didn't hit publish last night. Here is last night's post.

11dpo:

11dpo vs. 10dpo (darker = check!):

11dpo 2010 vs 11dpo 2007:

Whoot!

---

I put my Lovenox prescription in today. I'll pick them up tomorrow. My insurance initially denied my 30 day prescription pending authorization from the doctor. Ugh! More insurance issues. I asked the pharmacist how much a 30 day supply would be. Get this. 30 shots are $958.00. F*ck I say and ordered two weeks worth because I am not going to let insurance bull crap be the thing that keeps this from happening for us.

The pharmacist called me back a few minutes later to say that my insurance company covers 14 shots every 23 days for the $30 copay. Only 14 shots is a problem when you take the shots every day. So, We decided that she would call the doctor for the authorization and give me the 14 days now for the copay with the understanding that worst case scenario will be I'll have to pay for 9 shots every 23 days. Best case scenario is that the authorization is approved and I'll get the entire month's prescription for the $30 copay once it is approved. (She swore that I could add the remaining 14 shots once the insurance approved it for no more money this month. We shall see. I have my bets on having to pay about $350 or so out of pocket for shots every 23 days. sigh.)

The important thing to remember is that I'll have my shots and start taking them Thursday.

---

***Added today:

Still not feeling the best, but I am at least functioning. Today's been filled with 2 hours of therapy for the boys (an hour each) and a visit from a sister-in-law. I did test today, but the test looks just like the one last night. (Wonder why? I mean 14 hours is enough time to make it look loads darker, right? Yep. Duh, Stacie.)

Program Interruption

We interrupt the regularly scheduled updates with some sort of intestinal issue. (In other words, I've been sitting on the can all day long.) I don't know if it is something I ate yesterday or stress or that P word thing I might be working on, but I have been seriously not feeling well.

Still, you'd think that while sitting all! day! long! in the bathroom, I would have tested, but...well, it had been a long night and I actually FORGOT to pee on the stupid stick this morning. That isn't exactly true. I remembered about half way through my fmu but was way too tired to stop the flow long enough to open the hpt and hold it there.

I know what you're thinking.

The super insane, crazy peeonastickaholic is slipping.

If nothing else, that ought to tell you just how badly I was feeling this morning.

Is.aac is on my list today, too. When I called him to tell him I AM DYING! COME SAVE ME!!!, he simply said he couldn't get away and hung up the phone.

Dude. Not cool.

I don't know why he didn't believe me. It's not like I've been all dramatic or anything all week long.

Sigh.

I am finally feeling a bit better (hence the updating), so I will see if I have the energy to POS tonight.

If it's any consolation, the boobage is still killing me. That's got to be a good sign, right?

Good grief. I really do have no shame.

Let's Try This Again...

Maybe it was just the box of tests, because there is a big difference between what I took this morning (barely noticeable and way light-so light I couldn't even get the line on a picture) to the test I just took.

You're looking at 10dpo tests from the boys' pregnancy (black lettering) and the test I took a few minutes ago.

I...um...well...oh boy!

Can you see the line this time?

Now this is more like it! It's darker, it's darker! This was after water and with minimal pee. (Sorry for the TMI. Ahem. I apparently have no shame.)

Woooowhoooooo!

Dare I hope?

Mindf*ck

There is still a positive, but it is definitely not any darker.

It isn't any lighter either, exactly.

I am slightly concerned.

Okay maybe more than slightly concerned.

Yesterday's entire test was light. Today's was no better. I am trying to tell myself that it is just a bad box of tests...

...or maybe there was a tiny bit of trigger in my system and then a positive started making the test look darker than it would. Then as the trigger finally left, the hcg sort of leveled out, making the line look the same.

I know, I am crazy.

But.

At 10dpo, well...usually there is no mistaking things by this point for me.

I am trying to focus on the fact that there is still a line.

It's there.

It's still early.

---

I did talk to Is.aac last night. After pantomiming shooting himself in the head (far too many times) he did finally talk to me about what he was feeling.

He said that he has a strong feeling that we'll get pregnant and that is making him a bit freaked out right now. He thinks we'll get a baby out of this one.

Let me just say that Is.aac gets these "feelings". He calls them deja vu experiences. Every so often, he'll come up with something that there is no possible way he could know. He once told me that my mom was going to come into a store we were standing in. I laughed at him because the place we were at was way out of my mom's way, and she was headed to the other side of town. He went so far as to tell me what she'd be wearing. He nailed it. Ten minutes later my mom showed up, totally shocked to see us. He hadn't seen her before that, so there was no way he'd know all the details he knew, but he did anyway. I have loads of stories like that about Is.aac and his feelings. They're kind of freaky, although I have to say that if he tells me he has a "feeling" I tend to listen.

I told him he always says that I'll get pregnant. He just tells me what he thinks I want to hear.

(insert more finger shots to the head here)

He admitted that for the FETs he didn't have the feeling. He wasn't surprised that we didn't see a positive because he just didn't have the same feeling. (Dude. Couldn't you have said something sooner?)

He admitted that he is really worried that we'll find more than one cooking this time, not so much because of the more babies but because of what that would do to me and my body.

Okay, I'll give him that. That would be a concern.

And then he fell asleep. I couldn't for the life of me wake him back up for more info. Ugh.

---

I want to believe him that this will be successful--that this time will bring us a baby.

I think I'd be done ttc at that point.

But I do worry about this cycle not ultimately bringing us a baby. There is a limit to what we can keep funding. My last thoughts before sleep were my mental calculations of what we've spent on ART over the last years.

3 medicated iuis + 5 ivfs + 2.5 FETs all without insurance.

All in the last four years.

It made me sick to my stomach, and I was being conservative. I am sure there is more that I didn't include in my total.

Are you surprised to learn I didn't sleep well? Yeah, me neither.

If this one doesn't work, can I find the money to try again? Should I find the money to try again?

Sigh.

---

As Eden said, the two week wait is such a mindfuck.

Mindfuck indeed.

---

I go in for my estrogen and progesterone check today. Why won't they just do a damn beta and put me out of my misery?!!???!!!?

Update: 6dp4dt No beta. The bastards. Sigh.

E2 = 538 (should be >300)
P4 = 44 (should be >30)

Seriously? My progesterone is only 44? Dude, my boobs are freaking killing me. Glance at them and they ache. And the boys have got bat shit crazy with the rough housing and aim straight for my chest, the sorest place on my entire body, every. single. time. Ouch!

Not cool, especially with a P4 level of "only" 44.

This soreness better mean something good. Otherwise, this is just plain mean. You hear that up there?

Updated again:

Here is what I wrote for the boys' pregnancy at the estrogen/progesterone check at 6dp4dt:

"I went in for my progesterone and estrogen check today. My progesterone level was 34 (above 30 is what they want to see) and my estrogen was 400 (they look for above 150). "All looks good," said nurse Michelle."

Seeing this made me feel better. Oddly enough, I talked to the same nurse today, too...

I'll take it as a sign.

Cautious...

...guarded.

Not Sure How to Feel Yet.

Not ready to celebrate yet, that's for sure.

It is hard to see in the picture, but it's there. Even I have to turn my screen just so to see it on the computer. Maybe squint your eyes while you're at it. It's from 4dp4dt (4 days after a 4 day transfer) which was last night.

I tested again this morning, but everything about the test is much, much lighter (that includes the control line) so it doesn't look any darker. There is still a line. The line still came up well within the three minutes, but it just isn't all that impressive as far as lines go. It definitely NOT the unmistakable, "Holy cow, girl! How many are you cooking in there?" kind of line I was looking for.

I think I believe that this is probably not trigger residuals. It wouldn't get noticeably darker from am to pm if it was. And yes, this is still VERY, very early in the game.

So, the jury is still out as to whether this will mean good news or not. There is always the chance that something is trying to start but may not stick around for the long haul.

I hope with everything I've got that isn't the case.

Opinions?

---

I showed Is.aac the test last night. He hardly even reacted. It hurt my feelings so badly. (hormonal? me?) I was like, aren't you glad we may be pregnant? He just kept saying that he wouldn't be this nervous if he didn't think I'd get pregnant.

Hm.

Then the conversation was over. No explanations or anything.

Poor guy won't know what hit him when he walks in the door tonight with that kind of comment still hanging in the air.

The Allure Is So Intoxicating...

They call to me.

They taunt me with the possibility of happiness.

Yet, they remain one of my number one fears.


HPTs. Evil, evil, evil home pregnancy tests.


There are four in my bathroom, just waiting to give me answers.

I love you, dreaded pee sticks.

Oh, how I hate you, too.

It is a constant struggle to resist your whispers...

"Come pee on me..."

It is only 8 days passed ovulation. You'd be stark white. I can't handle seeing another white pee stick.

"Sure it is only 8dpo, but wouldn't it be nice to see a positive? It could be there, you know..."

No. Not going to do it.

"At the very least, you can see if the trigger is totally out of your system..."

No. I metabolize things quickly. I am nearly certain that the hcg is out of my system at this point.

"Come on...You haven't peed yet this morning. You know how strong first morning urine is. There's bound to be some hcg in there someplace. Remember all of those symptoms..."

But I'm afraid...

I can't bare to see a negative...

Please. Just stop tormenting me.

I'll likely pee on you tomorrow...

Maybe.

If I am strong enough.

---

This is what runs through my head all the time now. It is clear that I have officially reached the crazy stage.

Waiting is the worst.

---

I caved. The temptation was too great.

They are evil I tell you!

Sigh.

I am so freaking weak.

I needed to prove to myself that the trigger was out of my system and prepared myself to see a stark white line.

Those pee sticks are very convincing.

Double sigh.

It's there, but it's light, light, light. Unmistakable, but light enough that I can't quite get it on a picture.

Today is 10 days passed trigger.

Now the question is whether it's trigger residuals or something much, much better.

Let's all pray that it isn't the trigger I'm seeing.

Let's pray that tomorrow I'll see something darker. :-)

---

Someone take these stupid sticks away from me. Put me out of my misery. Of course, if I stay on the path I'm on right now, I'll pee right through them before anyone could take them away from me.

It is a sickness.

And boy am I ill.

Tested this pm. Line came up long before the 3 minute time limits. Still faint, but slightly darker than this morning.

That makes me feel a little bit better.

But not much.

Ugh.

I am killing myself here!