When It Is Right, You Know It

My in laws got their little girl. After twenty long years of waiting, after three ivfs and COUNTLESS cycles filled with that nagging hope, and not a single positive pregnancy test in all that time, they brought home a beautiful little girl from the hospital.

With a hospital stay, a wheelchair ride to the car, and the whole shebang.

They fought the fight but never thought it would matter--their dream would never come true.

After all that heartache, they won...

My heart is so, so happy for them. To see them with a little baby of their own, while knowing that they had given up the hope that they'd ever be parents, is an amazing sight.

To know that their names were suggested to the birth mom by no less than three people, all at separate times, which led the birth mom to contact them...out of the blue, is even more incredulous. She didn't want anything but a loving family for her baby.

She allowed my ILs to attend the doctor appointments and the ultrasounds.

She allowed them both in the room with her when she gave birth.

And when little A finally made her appearance, she gifted my SIL the first hold of this amazing little girl.

Only after my ILs had shared their moment with their new daughter did the birth mom want to hold her.

When she handed her back, she told them that she knows she made the right decision after seeing them together...

Ugh. It makes me tear up to think about that.

The birth mom gave them as much of the experience of being pregnant as you could get without actually being so.

The baby roomed with my ILs next door to the birth mom for their entire stay. The birth mom relinquished custody in the hospital.

She made it final when little A was three days old.

It will be an open adoption. The birth mom already has two other kids, and my BIL has made plans to take them to the movies to see the Cars2 opening. The ILs want Little A to know her other family. Her other family wants to know her, too. The birth family is comfortable that the ILs will make the final decisions on how much contact there will be between the families and when.

I am often angry with the universe for the injustice of the world. It pains me to know that some seems to so easily have it all while so many others have to struggle for everything they've got. It has made me untrusting and skeptical at times. It's also made me so appreciative when things work out the way I believe in my heart they should.

But this time?

This time I am so thankful. My heart is full.

The universe got this one right.

To All of You -- Mwah!

Thank you. To all of you. For commenting. For saying such nice things. For being here AGAIN for me and my crazy mood swings.

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I did a little retail therapy and got myself the glasses I've been coveting.

I cried some and got angry all over again--because dude. Ugh.

I played with my boys and loved on them so much that they were starting to run from me when they saw me coming. :-)

Then I chased them around the house trying to give even more love to my sweet boys.

I got my hair cut and colored. While I was there, I had a neck and hand massage. Ahhh....

I read such wonderful and heartfelt comments by you guys.

And then I thought to hell with them.

Who cares if they think we are that family?

It is their loss.

Not ours.

Because my family is pretty damn good just the way it is.

Sure, things might be easier for everyone if we didn't/don't face some of the issues in front of us.

Sure, sometimes I think it would be nice to be "typical."

But I wouldn't change things, especially if it meant that my boys would be different than who they are now.

I have to say that the other night was a low point for me. I spent a lot of time crying. I was just so angry, I was shaking.

I didn't sleep much, either.

As much as I'd like to say that the things people say don't matter, I have to admit to myself that words like that sting, even though they may not have been meant the way I received them.

Unfortunately, hurtful thoughts/words that people say are not going to go away.

I need to learn that those words are only as hurtful as I allow them to be.

My job is to take the power away from those words.

And learn to be comfortable in my own skin so I don't feel like that kind of comment is meant to put me down.

My kids deserve that.

We Are That Family

When you look at my family, what do you see?

No, really. What do you see?

Do you see a man and woman with two adorable little boys?

Or do you see a mischievous grin on the face of a child who is up to no good?

Maybe you see the dimples and sparkling eyes of one of the sweetest souls on earth?

Or instead do you focus on other things?

A clinched fist?

A little boy with AFO's?

A mother who carries her boys into the house every day because they can't yet walk?

I learned today that my family is that family.

The family that people feel lucky they don't have.

The family that reminds them of how truly lucky they really are because their children are healthy.

And THAT PISSES ME OFF.

We are so much more than brain bleeds and hydrocephalus.

Of CP.

We are so much more than our limits.

We are a family who has more strength in our little fingers than most -- yes most -- people have in their entire fucking bodies.

We are a family who knows the importance of the little things in life and treasures them oh so very much.

Don't look at us and feel lucky you are not us.

Don't compare your life to ours.

Because damn it, you are missing out.

I have two of the most spectacular little boys in the entire fucking world.

Do you hear me?

Do you HEAR me?

Don't feel lucky that you are not me.

I feel lucky that I am not you.

Not Everyone Gets to Have This...

"But on the days when I come face to face with the fact that we still have issues, it is like confronting the issue over and over again. But, here is the silver lining I remind myself of -- if you can still fight, rather than accept, that means things could be so very much worse for your child. The fact that we can still fight and work to solve issues and not accept means something. It means we have hope. And not everyone gets to have that."

I read these words and cry every time. Thank you, anonymous, for saying this. For reminding me that I am lucky.

Because I AM SO VERY LUCKY!

How could I have these little guys in my life and not be? :-)

Resilient or Just Plain Stupid

I am either incredibly resilient or just plain stupid. Maybe a little of both?

Today I got out of bed, dusted myself off, and actually felt okay--not happy mind you, but good enough to be able to go to work without dragging my sorry ass there two seconds before the tardy bell. That is pretty good for a regular morning, but to have that happen on a morning after a night like last night is pretty freaking amazing. And I did it all without the help of a medicinal pick me up, too! Whoot!

I had another Parent Night tonight, making today the second twelve plus hour workday in a week. I smiled and chatted, presented for about an hour, and acted like a normal person the ENTIRE time. To look at me or hear me, you'd never know The crazy part of that is I actually FELT normal. Whoa. (You know who killed them with her winning personality, too. Ahem.)

But even better than that is that I am actually looking forward to getting my period and starting this roller coaster again. This dream is going to happen, damn it!

I realize that it's statements like that which make me seem more "stupid" than "resilient" but whatever.

Let's call the day a huge success.

(I say that even after a gun incident at school today. My kids but not in my class. In the end, we found out it was a toy, but we didn't know that for quite a while. Admin did not handle the situation well either. They will never learn. They still don't have a plan to deal with situations like this at my school or even in my district! Sigh. BTW, apparently I work in the hood.)

Now all I have to do is keep plugging forward the fourteen or so days until my period. I can do that. I can, and I will. I'll do whatever it takes.

Take that universe! You haven't broken me yet. Now, I'd appreciate it if you'd stop trying. Please and Thank you.

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FYI: Yeah, yeah, we did the whole sex thing, but I have to say I wasn't exactly feeling it if you catch my drift. I am not holding out much (or any) hope for a miraculous pregnancy, but I guess stranger things have happened.