Mom and the Tank Appointments

Tank and I had our 6 week check-ups.

My IBS stress diet has me 5 pounds under my starting weight for the pregnancy. Even my iron deficiency is starting to turn for the better.

All looks good for me.

The OB asked about birth control, which I declined. He just about fell off of his chair when I told him I wasn't sure if we were done yet...

Well, I am not sure!

Is.aac tries not to hear that right now. Sigh.

The OB's parting words were something about seeing him in 3 months when I am pregnant. If only it was that easy. (As an aside, he found lots of scar tissue during my section. Apparently it grew back fast--my section was exactly one year from the date of my lap. He said it was particularly bad around my left tube and entire left side. It's all cleaned it all up, but the fact that it came back so quickly leaves me worried.)

Mr. Tank is doing well. He measured in at 23.5 inches for 75-90th %ile on length (he wasn't cooperating, so it is likely a bit more) and 13 pounds (99th %ile). My boy does like him some food. 

He also got three shots and an oral vaccine. Poor guy. He took it like a trooper and only cried a tiny bit, but he has been a crab ever since. It may be a long night for me. He has his whooping cough booster in 4 weeks and then no appointments until the end of July.

Oh man does the fact we don't have to go to the doctor every minute with him blow me away. (If you don't have a medically fragile child, you just don't understand how all consuming those doctor appointments are.)

I know just how lucky we are with Ja.ckson. He truly is an easy baby. He cries when he's hungry, and that is pretty much it. He's sleeping 3-4.5 hours at night. I don't expect it to take long for that to lengthen as he's finally ready to up his feeds a bit. But the best part is he's smiling and starting to coo. Ah, I love it.

It's just...amazing to have this experience.



 

Three Years

Three years ago...

...today, Sh.awn had just had another surgery to repair a shunt malfunction. It was evident only shortly after his arrival in recovery that things were still not right with Sh.awn. His eyes were off. His fontanel was still firm. He started fisting his right hand.

Yet the doctors tried to tell us that they knew all was well.

Three years ago...

...tonight, my dad died in a violent car crash. At just about the exact same time, I was standing in a hospital waiting area, looking out a window telling God that I can't take any more.

If only I had known what was ahead for us. Sigh.

Three years ago...

I vividly remember staring out that window sobbing the tears I'd held in all day long.

I remember feeling so tiny and helpless, like the suffering my family endured mattered to no one. In my head, I received confirmation to that fact the next day when the highway patrol finally found my dad.

But mostly, I remember the Anger. There was so much Anger at that time. I hated the world with an intensity I had never known before.

I hated myself even more.

---

This morning...

...I awoke to the calls of my little guy. "Hey, Mom! It's me! Where are you?"

I pulled my boy into our bed and "nuggled" with him. He's come so far.

We've come so far.

This boy who knows his alphabet and sounds...who can count to 30...who is sensitive and loving...who has a determination that will blow you away...who will drive you crazy with his demands to walk (by holding your hands) 24 hours a day...

He is amazing.

Today I realize that I am not helpless or tiny. Our journey does matter.

Most importantly, I realize that I don't have to hate myself as some sort of punishment for something out of my control.

This morning...

...I held my belly and told my little boy to hang tight for a little longer--just three more days.

I asked him to please not come today or tomorrow. I told him it would be hard for mommy to associate the joy of his birth with such horrible other memories.

He kicked and wiggled as if to tell me he was listening.

I hope he was, but I think if he wasn't listening, it will be okay anyway.

Today I know I can't see into the future. But, if things can change so much in three short years, I really believe that as long as he arrives safely, it will all be okay.

38 Weeks - The Home Stretch

(Cross posted with the boys' blog for those of you who read both.)

How many weeks? Guess who’s 38 weeks along? Me! Can you believe it?!?

(We're taking an updated 38 week picture tonight.)

By last estimation, Baby Lo was between 7 pounds 10 ounces - 7 pounds 14 ounces (at my 36 week scan). They say he should gain at least a pound between then and the time I deliver.

Which is Wednesday, March 30, people! 4 short days from now.

He should be at least in the 8.5 to 9 pound range when he arrives. Had I kept him in until 40 weeks, he'd likely have made it to 10 pounds or more. Yikes!

How am I feeling? I am so glad that I finally went on disability and am no longer working. It is really getting hard to breathe. I tire pretty easily now, too. Other than that, I am feeling good overall.

Well, maybe I should say I feel good except for the panic I feel when I think about actually having a real, live baby in the house again in less than a week. Lol. What do people do with a newborn baby who hasn't been in the hospital for three months before he comes home?

Doctor’s Appointment? I had two appointments this week. The first one was on Tuesday. I had a rough night with plenty of contractions and my back was killing me. They hooked me up to the monitors and found that sure enough, I was contracting every 6 minutes. There was no dilation, thankfully, so they gave me a shot of terbutaline to calm things down. Even though that drug is from the devil himself (ugh, it makes me shaky and jittery), it did its job and the contractions stopped for the most part. Yeah. I went home and slept for most of the day, though.
The second appointment was on Wednesday for my pre-op consultation. Everything is all set for my c-section at CMH.

Weight Gain? 28 pounds, and from Is.aac says, it looks like it is all baby. You wouldn't know I was pregnant if you saw me from the back only.

See?

Stretch Marks? Not a single one. Jealous? :-)

Maternity Clothes? Um, yes. It's either that or Is.aac's XL t-shirts. I have reached the stage where the bottom of my belly still hangs out if I am not careful. I feel like I am always tugging my shirts down to cover all of my belly.

Baby Preparation? I have finally gotten into gear and started on the baby's room (nothing like the last minute). My mom came over today and we painted it a pretty soft green. (See, everyone? I tried to get him to come on the 25th!) The furniture arrives tomorrow. We'll also put the crib together tomorrow. Clothes are washed. Blankets/sheets/etc are ready to go. Diapers are purchased.

My bag is packed for the hospital.

Now all we need is for Wednesday to get here, and we're going to have ourselves a BABY!

Best Pictures of the Week?

Sh.awn talking to his baby brother:

And giving him a big kiss!

Ja.son's turn! (He was more interested in playing with my belly button, but what-ev.)

More kisses!

Awwwwww...

One Week

• The contractions have slowed to one or two an hour for a few hours and then nothing. My back is better. Yeah.
• Went to the OB for my pre-op appointment. The terb did just what they wanted it to do...quiet things down so I can make it to my scheduled date and not put stress on the cerclage. The new threshold for contractions is 6-7 an hour for a few hours or my water breaking. Then I would go to L&D for an emergency c-section.
• I installed a contractions monitor app on my phone to help me keep track.
• He seems to think he'll be seeing me next Wednesday morning as scheduled.
• We shall see!
• I told him of my concern about post surgery, especially in light of all the complications I had last time (bowel obstruction, NG tube for four days, the threat of surgery to remove the obstruction, etc.). His advice was to introduce solid food slowly-like wait for the ability to pass gas before I eat a solid. That's my plan. (He also said that the hospital tends to push solids right away, so I need to be clear with them on what I want.)
• I went to pre-register at the hospital after my appointment. Strange. She asked me if I was pregnant...
• Isn't being pregnant the ONLY reason you'd have a scheduled c-section? Wouldn't they call another type of surgery, like hysterectomies or something, by another name?
• Duh.
• My appetite is back. I didn't really want to eat anything for the last few days, especially yesterday.
• As for the bowel, um...purging, I've been doing that for a few days now. Suppose that means something?
• The baby has not "dropped," though, and his feet are is still all up in my ribs. I swear he is spread eagle in there so he can attack both sides of my rib cage at once. I can't breath much of the time.
• I can handle delivering on any of the days but the 27th or the 28th. Those dates...ugh. My dad died on the 27th. We found out about it on the 28th. I'd rather not go there if I can help it.
• Still, the 30th would be best so I can have my doctor do the surgery. Besides, I had mentally prepared for that day!
• We think we have a name. Is.aac told Ja.son one of the baby names we'd talked about. Ja.son has been calling the baby that name ever since. It sounds right when I hear it. :-)
• Ja.son can't wait for the baby to come play with him. Lol. He doesn't believe me when I say that the baby is going to just eat, poop, and sleep. Nor does he believe me when I tell him the baby is little. Uh oh.
• Sh.awn is still all "what-ev" about the whole topic.
• No, I am not saying what the name is yet. You can probably figure it out if you thought about it, though.
• Man I love not working right now. Ahhhhh....

8 Days to Go - Starting to Wonder If I'll Make It!

Last night was pretty horrible. My back started really bothering me at about 9:30 pm. It started as a constant pain in my lower back and would radiate out toward my sides.

Then the contractions started up again. 4 an hour. Nothing consistent that I could tell.

Needless to say, I slept like crap.

This morning, Baby Lo was quiet, I was still contracting about 4 times an hour, and my back was still killing me. I called the OB and went in for a NST.

Baby looked fine. I had 4 contractions in the hour. Again, nothing consistent as far as the timing went-as close as 6 minutes together and then as far apart as 25. Sigh.

My internal exam (ouch) let us know that my cervix was still long and closed (go cervix) and the stitch was still holding, but the OB did find a bit of spotting. Whether he caused that mucking around in there or it was already there is the question.

So, I got a shot of terbutaline and was sent home. If I get to more than 4 an hour OR the pain gets worse, I go back. The OB mentioned something about just having the baby today...

cough, sputter. Cue freak out.

Thankfully, the contractions have stopped. I am spotting a bit (which I wasn't before the exam) but nothing major or worrisome.

Baby is still moving.

I go in for my pre-op appointment tomorrow. I'll have another internal and NST to see where things stand.

Yikes.

Right now, I am going to lay down and try to get some rest. I am exhausted. Plus, terb is the devil's drug and I am all jittery.

I'll be sure to update again if anything changes. :-)

Welcome!

So welcome to my new place. :-) Thank you for continuing to follow me on this journey.

---

It has been an interesting weekend to say the least. Just to add in some extra fun, I've been having contractions every 30 minutes since yesterday. My threshold is supposed to be four in an hour, some sort of blood, or my water breaking before I call the OB, so I haven't yet. If I am still contracting tomorrow or if things get more active, though, I will call. \

We shall see.

So what do you think? Think I can make it 9 days at this rate? Maybe we should start a poll?

12 Days

I've been struggling.

I know. That's a surprise, right?

I mean, I am totally zen on all of this pregnancy stuff and all. Ahem. Don't laugh.

I am worried to the point of being resistant to doing anything for the baby.

I am so freaked out that something might happen before this baby gets here. What if my body does something to him, too? (and here I thought I released all of that guilt over the boys) What if, what if...what if he dies before or during birth?

It can happen.

I know it can. With things going fairly well during this pregnancy, I just keep waiting for that thing, whatever it is, that is going to happen.

Because something always does.

I can't wrap my mind around the idea that something might not happen, even though that is something I so desperately want.

This desperation...this intense need for all to be okay for once has paved the way for an overwhelming fear of everything falling apart.

And that, my friends, takes me back to the fear of doing something for my little guy.

We can't even name him!

This morning I woke from a dream that the Pope laid his hand on me and told me everything is going to be okay. It was a funny dream, really, because I am not an overly religious person, and I am not even Catholic.

But when I opened my eyes, I told Is.aac about it and asked him what he thought.

I think it is all going to be okay, he said.

It was the Pope, after all. Whether you believe in the Catholic religion or not, the Pope has to carry some weight, right?

Oh, if it were just that easy!

I think I might have been reassured for a few minutes before the doubt crept back in. (Sometimes I wish I could just remove my brain for a while and get a break from all of these thoughts.)

Tomorrow I will be 37 weeks. Full term. I have 12 days until the section.

Please, please, please, let this little one make it here okay.

A Last Goodbye, More Surgery in Our Future, and A Name or Two

So long, farewell...

...to doctor Doom! I had my final appointment with him yesterday. I can't even begin to describe how freeing it is to know I don't have to go back there. (maybe ever? or maybe at least for a few months? um...we'll open that can of worms later.)

BabyLo looks good. He is all about the chunk at this point and looks quite cramped in there. His weight is measuring between 7 pounds 10 ounces to 7 pounds 14 ounces (she measured several times). The tech said she'd expect him to be somewhere between 8.5 and 9ish pounds if he stays put until my c-section.

Jeez. That makes me somewhat more relieved about the c-section. Having something that big come out of my vagina makes me want to squeeze my legs shut and never open them again. Lol.

There was no sign of the PACs on the u/s. Yay!

Kidney looked better and was smaller than it has been. Yay!

If you can believe it, my cervix still looked long and closed. Yay!

Whew. Maybe, just maybe this guy will be alright when he gets here. (oh, please!)

---

Right after Doom, I had to go get Sh.awn for his opthamologist appointment. After all we've tried, it looks like Sh.awn is headed for strabismus surgery in the near future. We had thought that it was only his right eye turning in on occasion, but after the examination it was clear that both eyes turn in. The eye that turns in essentially shuts off so his vision doesn't blur when he looks at things, so it is important to get this fixed.

The good news is that his sight does not seem to be affected at this point. (He was so cute when the dr was covering his eyes and looking into them. The dr would hold up a cover to one eye so he could exam the other and Sh.awn would yell out, "It's dark in here, mommy! Turn on the lights!" Made me laugh so hard.)

I know what this surgery is like because we've already been through it with Ja.son. The worst part was recovering from the anesthesia. (Ja.son became a demon child!)

Not excited about this in the least.

I am so over surgeries, especially for little Sh.awn.

Blah. I don't even want to count what number of surgery this would make for us.

---

Nothing decided on for names (actually not even close), but here are some contenders:

Ja.ckson
Ja.xson
Re.ese
Fe.stus (Is.aac has taken to calling him this. Over my dead body is all I have to say.)

Still a lot of negotiation in our future...

---

I did add a 36 week photo to the BabyLo page in case you're curious.

Holy Shit. I Am in Panic Mode!

• 16 days. There will hopefully be a baby here in 16 days. One that will come home with me and not stay in the hospital for months on end (hopefully). What am I going to do with a baby straight from the hospital? OMG. What am I going to do?
• Cue panic.
• The cousin who had her baby on the 3rd, takes her baby home today. I am happy and excited for her. The irrational part of me is jealous of her, too. She already knows her baby is okay and is getting to take her baby home! Already! Me? I am still in a limbo land of hoping with all I've got that my baby makes it to the outside safe and sound.
• Don't get me wrong. I don't want to have him early. I need the 16 days I've got left to get to some sort of semblance of...preparation. But still. I hate living with this uncertainty. If I had him, I'd know one way or the other how this will all play out. Will he be mine, or won't he? Ugh!
• Um, I am now starting to freak about the upcoming c-section, too. The memories of the healing process have begun to break through the fog of my mind. Yikes.
• The thing that worries me most about the section, though, is the constipation I had for WEEKS afterward. Constipation and a c-section are not a good mix, let me just tell you that.
• What if I can't breastfeed again? I am almost afraid to even try. The disappointment will be hard to take. I am not even sure if I want to breastfeed. Do I want to, or do I feel like I have to? I just don't know...
• So I bought some formula just in case. But I don't have bottles yet. How is that for inconsistent?
• I decided that I have to bank this baby's cord blood. I would have banked the boys' cord blood, but I was in such a state of denial with them, I just didn't get a chance to do it before they came. I kick myself because of that. This time, I felt like it was a must. There is a 25% chance that this baby will match one or both of the boys, and while they are not using donor stem cells in this way yet, there have been studies done on stem cells and treating CP. I would never be able to forgive myself if I didn't take this chance that it might help Sh.awn and/or Ja.son or BabyLo himself.
• Still no crib has been put up for the baby. I was going to do that today. Not feeling motivated yet...maybe I will in a bit. Maybe I won't. Sigh.
• I do have a mattress, though. I suppose if all else fails, I can just put the baby on the mattress on the floor. Lol. (kidding! mostly.)
• That is the story of my life lately. There is the urgency to get things done that is coupled with this complete and utter lack of motivation. WTF is wrong with me?

Clearly I am losing my mind.

36 Weeks and 1 Day

How far along: 36 weeks, 1 day

Total weight gain: 25 pounds.

Stretch marks: nope

Sleep: I am now to the point of having trouble sleeping. I am up several times a night and have trouble falling back asleep once I am done. 4:00 am seems to be the witching hour for me around here.

Best moment this week: There are three this week:

1) Getting the all clear about BabyLo's heart!

2)This was the week of the baby showers. My coworkers threw me one on Friday. Almost everyone on staff came! It made me feel a bit strange because while my staff is fairly close, most of the social kind of things are hit and miss. People that never come to events were there! Whoa.

3)Yesterday, my two sisters (very good friends) threw me a small, intimate shower for some of my closer friends. They brought food and gifts and it was so much fun.

I am truly blessed by the people in my life!

Belly button in or out?: Officially flat.

Cravings: Taco Bell taco supremes (weird because I don't like sour creme usually), chocolate donuts with chocolate icing and chocolate sprinkles, apples (again not a normal like), more chocolate, and instant breakfast.

Dr. appointments?: I had an OB appointment on Wednesday. All went well. We again discussed whether I need zo.loft this time. He is leaning that I won't, but he will give me the script if I truly want it. He did ask to see if someone will be with me to watch for signs if I don't take the script. (Is.aac is pretty set on me having that script ready to go just in case.) We also discussed the cerclage. I still have it. He would remove it, but he didn't think there is a need at this point. He suggested we leave it in until the c-section. Not sure how I feel about that right now either. I suppose I think on it and bring it back up at the next appointment this week.

I did the fetal cardiologist appointment, discussed here. The next Doom appointment (with the high risk doctor) is this week.

What I am looking forward to/celebrating:

• 17 days until my c-section.
• I am officially off of work until June as of Friday! Whoot! We are still planning on sending the boys to my mom's during the day so I can rest/do things.
• Getting a chance to set up the baby's room and finish (okay start) getting ready for the baby.
• Seeing how big this boy is at the Doom appointment this week.
• Watching Is.aac pour over the baby name book in a quest to come up with a name BEFORE the baby is born.
• Meeting this boy 17 days from now.

Holy shit!

***36 week picture to go up tomorrow.

Doctor Updates

3 more weeks.

Those were the first words out of my OB's mouth this afternoon. I just about fell off the table. Holy shit. 3 more weeks?! Good grief I am in some serious denial...

...too afraid to get excited.

What if something happens?

What if...

Ugh. As much as I try to stay away from that kind of worry, it is there looming in the dark recesses of my mind.

---

We met with the fetal cardiologist today. The PAC's BabyLo is having, which were even harder to detect than they were last appointment, are completely benign. The structure of the heart is "beautiful." The only issue that she could not adequately check was the flow of blood in the arteries, which has to happen after birth. She specifically told me not to worry about this...but, there is a less than one percent chance that there is a narrowing of his arteries. (Something about new research indicating that what we saw before could indicate the narrowing after birth for a very small percentage of babies.) She was going to include something in her report to ensure that the pediatrician pays close(r) attention to heart rate and pulses when he/she does the infant check after birth and before discharge.

She doesn't think that the baby will have the narrowing, she just wants to make sure all is well. She said over and over again that this was just precaution. She said that if I was her sister, she'd want them to check the baby just to ensure that no issues had been missed, especially because she can't check for it via ultrasound now.

Sigh. Okay. I guess I can deal with that...because there is not going to be an issue with narrowing of his arteries. Right? Right?

---

Last night we found ants in our kitchen, bathroom, and living room again. That totally pisses me off because they spray the outside of our freaking house every three months and have been for over eight years.

There should be no ants inside my house.

So, I called them up to make them come spray the inside of the house.

That shouldn't have been a problem.

Except that I began to have a little (or a lot of) intestinal issues this morning, most likely related to some serious nerves I had over our fetal cardiologist appointment.

Which led to some substantial time polluting the air quality in the bathroom.

Which led to a panic attack when the pest control guy called and said he was on his way because, dude, the house was now sporting a serious funk.

Which led to me frantically looking for some sort of air freshener. All I could find was some crazy orange citrus stuff.

Which then led to the thick scent of citrus wafting throughout the house.

Which did nothing to mask the distinct smell of my bathroom escapades.

OMG, I wanted to die when the guy showed up.

Sigh.

He did his thing and was wise enough to not comment on anything.

I vacated the premises for the 8 recommended hours. (more on that in a bit)

And of course I found a live ant on the wall of the kitchen when I came back.

Double sigh.

---

So, as I explained, I had some tummy troubles today. The pest guy came just before noon. I was then essentially locked out of my house for hours.

On any other day, that wouldn't be a problem.

Today, however, I had two doctor appointments.

All I wanted to do was take a nice long shower...

but, no.

I did the best that I could to clean myself up, but this big old belly makes that tougher than you'd think.

It was just my luck when today the OB wanted to do his first internal and swab for strep B.

It figures.

OMG, I wanted to die.

He also did his thing and was wise enough to not comment.

But he did give me my note. My last day of work is officially Friday! Whoot!

I Swear That Man Is Going to Make Me Crazy! (Updated with Picture Link)

Sigh.

I was feeling, dare I say, confident? not as worried? at least okay about today's appointment.

The good:

Gestation - 34 weeks, 3 days

We didn't check the cervix! Holy cow. I got to have a "simple" big girl ultrasound for once. Yeah for less goop! Now that I am at a "safe" gestation, they no longer need to check it. Hot dog!

BPP was 8 out of 8. Got to watch the baby practice breathing and sucking. Very cute.

Fluid was still in the normal range--slightly more than it was last time. I am glad because I...um...well, just say that I have to wear panty liners all the time now. Ahem. It is hard to be sure what you are oozing at this point, and the cerclage makes the discharge worse.

Weight was estimated at 6 pounds 5 ounces! The tech said to expect at least 2 pounds more by 36 weeks and at least a pound a week after that. Hm, now that I think about it, that just means he'll gain a pound a week. Whatever. Baby Lo is BIG.

The bad--okay, let's call it the "I wish it would go away":

Mild pyelectasis was still noted in the right kidney. There was slightly more fluid in the right kidney than there was last ultrasound. Still just watching it. I go back in two weeks to check on it again.

The ugly - This is still just ugly:

They still spotted premature atrial contractions (PACs) on today's u/s. They are not as pronounced as they were at the last u/s, but even subtle PACs are still PACs.

His heart rate was around 136 beats per minute. The irregularity did look different this week, so there is a possibility it is already trying to resolve. The problem is that it is still there, and they think it should be gone by now.

That has earned us a detailed u/s of his heart by the fetal cardiologist next week. The doctor only comes in on Wednesdays (ugh) so she is triple booked. I was told to expect to wait. (double ugh)

Doom again said that it would likely be fine. The tech did note that there was NO fluid around his heart and that the chambers and even the beat looked fine visually (the irregular beat just shows up when you listen to it), so that is good. The u/s next week is just to double check that all is well, he said. That is all well and good, but I still don't trust the man. His reassurances are not that comforting to me.

I am trying to remind myself that the information I've found online has said it will likely be fine. (For like 98% of babies it will be fine. It is that 1-2% that worries me. You know how we LOVE to meet a challenge. Sigh.)

I just wish that for once I didn't have to think about all of this medical crap and could just relax a bit.

---

Here's answers some of your questions:

1. when is your last day teaching?? Shooting for March 12 (last day of trimester), but it won't bother me to go at any point now. I have an OB appointment on the 9th, so I'll ask for a note then.

2. can we please have an updated week 34 photo? Here it is. :-) Is it just me or is the baby on the low side?

3. do you have a delivery plan - will they induce at a certain point or just let you take out the cerc and see how it goes from there? They take the cerclage out at 36 weeks. I will have a c-section regardless. We strongly believe that I won't dilate from the scar tissue the cerclage creates. I'd rather not labor and then have to have a c-section anyway, so I am just heading straight to the section.

4. what are you going to name this child?? He still has no name. I do like Jackson, but there has been a consistent quiet response from the male unit of this partnership. My guess is that he isn't thrilled with the name, hence the non response. There hasn't been much talk about the names. Isn't that horrible?!

Got any others?

Scene 2 (Pregnancy Edition)

I have become quite the novelty at work. We don't have many babies amongst our staff any more. Either the people there are too old, have already had the children they want and are not expanding their families any more, or they are just starting out and not in a place financially or professionally to begin family building. So, I am the pregnancy at the moment.

I guess part of me can understand this. The last time I was pregnant, I worked the first day of the school year (as a 19 weeks, 6 days pregnant person) and then disappeared. I think that I was approximately the same size I am now when I delivered the boys, but no one from work every really saw me until long after the boys were born. Now, as my girth continues to expand, I hear constant comments from my coworkers.

I am also hearing more and more comments and questions from my students, especially the boys. Last week, out of the blue, one of the boys in a 7th grade class asked me if I was worried about delivering the baby in class. I assured him I wasn't, that no matter what happened, I would have plenty of time to make it to the hospital in time to deliver the baby. That prompted a short class discussion about what could happen during class, especially if my water broke. (I didn't participate much, just let them talk it out and reassure themselves that it would be okay.) After a few minutes, everyone seemed satisfied that all would be okay and we went about our business of learning about persuasive writing. :-)

Fast forward to yesterday in the same class. I was standing in front of the room leading a discussion on one of the literature selections we had just finished when there was a noticeable "pop." At that same moment, there was a strange movement across my midsection.

All eyes were on me, of course, so all the kids saw and heard what had just happened.

I thought the poor boy sitting directly in front of me was going to crap his pants. There is no way I could adequately describe the look of shock-horror-fear-curiosity that washed across his face as he tried to decide what had just happened.

I almost died of laughter when he jumped up from his seat while staring at the ground to see if he was going to get hit by something!

It had taken me just a second to realize that the elastic band on my maternity jeans had suddenly snapped.

I told the kids what had happened, we had a few chuckles and relieved exhales, and then I went to sit down so I could finish the lesson.

I thought all was going to be okay, that my pants would make it through the rest of the day. At first, the elastic band was still snug around most of my body, so my pants were staying up pretty much on their own. But, as I moved more, the elastic band pulled further and further apart. That, of course, made my already baggy jeans looser and looser.

The class period ended, so I ran to my next door neighbor to see if she had anything could help me fix my jeans. She found a small gold safety pin and tried to pin the band around my jeans together. That poor safety pin was no match for my bulging middle. We tried staples with no luck. They wouldn't staple through the material. We tried rubber bands. Nope. Before I was ready, our three minutes between classes was over and I had to get back to work.

The jeans were not behaving. If I got up to walk around the room, I literally had to hold them up! I did my best to sit as much as possible through that next period, too.

Finally, I made it to my prep period. I went to the office in search of something-anything!-else that I could use to keep my pants from falling down around my knees. After confessing my embarrassment to far too many people, and hearing far too many people laugh at me(including the male principal), I found a small sewing kit.

I headed back to my classroom to see if I could do something to fix the elastic band around my jeans. I had to cover the peak through window on my door and pray that then wouldn't be the exact moment someone came into my class for some stupid reason. (With my luck, I'd have someone from the district office come in to do some kind of safety check walk into my room just as I stood there in my underwear holding my pants. I would hate to have to explain that!)

Thankfully, I managed to sew the elastic back together and get my pants on before I was discovered. Lol.

I am so glad that today marks 34 weeks and I am nearing the end of pregnancy FUN. I don't think I can take much more of this!

It Finally Hit Me (I Am a Bit Slow Sometimes)

Thank you for the kind words on my last post. I am sorry if I scared anyone with the title. :-(

I am smart enough to know that the things that they are finding in my ultrasounds are not the end of the world. And let's face it, in the scheme of my world, these types of things are merely a blip on our medical radar.

I realize that if things do not change, the worst that will likely happen is that Baby Lo will need monitoring by various specialists until the two conditions in question resolve themselves. TO some degree, it does reassure me that Doom feels that both of these conditions are not really worthy of anything more than monitoring. (Well, it reassures me as much as anything someone I don't really trust but who should know what he is talking about says to me.)

Still.

It would be nice to really not have to think about things being "wrong" at all. It would be nice to not have to wonder about whether or not my little guy is going to be okay. It would be nice to not have to go to doctors and/or therapy or anything else and be able to just. plain. enjoy. my. kid. as. an. infant. It would be nice if I could fool myself into that allusion that the world is all sunshine and roses.

It would be nice if I could really feel that zen I am trying to show the world.

I guess that isn't the way it is supposed to be for me and my family. I am supposed to know. I am supposed to wonder.

I am supposed to fight.

Sometimes that just plain sucks. I hate that I know too much about the ugly side of things to ever really be able to go back to the ignorant and blissful me of the past.

---

I wonder if that knowledge has hardened me?

I know it's made me into something so far from what I was that it is sometimes hard to recognize myself.

I hope the person I am now is a better person...

although I couldn't have been that bad before all of this stuff happened to us. Could I?

---

You might laugh at this, but it has finally occurred to me that I may actually have a baby in 5ish weeks. A baby who will not live in the hospital for months, so he'll need, you know, actual stuff when he is delivered.

Holy shit.

Um, I haven't done a thing to get ready for this new little guy.

So last night I told Is.aac to pick up some newborn diapers from Cos.tco last night. He didn't know why I'd want him to do that. It seems that he hasn't wrapped his mind around this little guy coming in the very near future either.

There's no name. There's no where for him to sleep. There's no baby clothes laundered and folded. There's no registry even!

He has nothing but a big box of newborn diapers, which may or may not even fit him when he gets here.

I think it might be time to get ourselves into gear.

---

33 weeks tomorrow. Still standing. Still working (although man I can't wait to stop). Still amazed.

He Shall Always Be Dr. Doom...

Sigh.

The good:

Gestation - 32 weeks, 3 days

Cervix had no change. It was still 3.0 cm. No funneling. Cerclage is doing its thing. The baby's head was right there, so every time she pushed on my stomach, his head would thump my cervix. Odd sensation to say the least.

BPP either wasn't done? or I just missed the results.

Fluid was somewhere between 7-8 cm, which is down from last appointment but still in the normal range. It makes sense. I spent last night throwing up (either from extra iron or maybe some sort of food poisoning?), so I know I am on the dehydrated side.

Weight was estimated at 5 pounds 1 ounce.

The bad:

Mild pyelectasis was still noted in the right kidney. The size of his kidneys were unchanged. It sure would be nice if this would just resolve itself already.

I started having contractions this week. The most I've had was 4 in an hour. It isn't changing my cervix, so I am just to monitor them and call if I get more than 4 in a single hour. My mind is all freaked out, though, because I worry that I am having some that I don't feel.

The ugly:

They spotted premature atrial contractions (PACs) on today's u/s.

The most common cause of an irregular heart rhythm is when the top part of the heart beats too early (premature atrial contraction, or PAC). Sometimes this premature beat is transmitted to the bottom part of the heart; other times the communication between the top and bottom part of the heart is blocked after a premature beat.

An early beat that is transmitted or blocked will cause an irregularity in the heart's rhythm. These premature atrial contractions are very common in the second half of pregnancy and usually don't cause any problems. They may persist after the baby is born, but usually go away by one month of life. Medication is typically not necessary.

His heart rate was still around 144 beats per minute. The irregularity was only about every 10ish beats or so--just one wonky beat every so often.

Doom said that it would likely be fine. Don't worry he said.

The information I've found online has said it will likely be fine.

I guess this isn't as ugly as it could have been, but damn if it would be nice to not have to think about it AT ALL.

It makes me feel like they look so hard for problems, they aren't satisfied until they find something. Anything.

And cause worry.

And make me mildly freak out.

I go back in two weeks for more monitoring.

Friday Night Leftovers

More random Friday night thoughts...

• Had an OB appointment today. I've gained 2 pounds since the last appointment. Baby sounded fine. Uterine growth is good and two and a half weeks ahead (is that not odd to say?). The OB seemed surprised at how big I am measuring. I guess I don't look like I am that big?
• I had my iron retested. The supplements I was on did not bring up my iron at all. In fact it dropped. That explains the fatigue! Sigh. I am now upping my daily iron pills to 4 a day. Bring on the constipation.
• Speaking of constipation...my old pals Hem and Roid should go take a hike. Seriously. Get lost.
• Ahem.
• There was talk that I'll go out on disability after the next appointment in two weeks. I think I am ready. I'm tired. How do people work until the very day they deliver? I must be some sort of wimp.
• It would be perfect timing, really. The second trimester ends soon, so the sub would be able to start fresh with her own grade book and units. Plus, if I go a bit earlier, it would guarantee that my former student teacher would be able to take over for me. Score.
• At least that is the plan if all goes well at the Doom appointment on Tues.
• Is.aac's cousin was at the OB today when I got there. She'd been contracting all night and morning long. Her meds weren't stopping them, so she went in. Thankfully, her cervix is holding steady (at 0.9! Yikes) and they were able to stop the contractions with a shot of terb.
• It is surreal to watch her struggle with this pregnancy. Every complication and all of the stress she is under is taking their toll on her. This must be how people felt about me when I was pregnant with the boys.
• The germ fest continues around these parts. I am feeling better, but I am still coughing up gunk. Ja.son is coughing and running and just plain miserable. Sh.awn is somewhere between the two of us. He clearly doesn't feel good, but he isn't as dramatic as his brother about his misery. It is just plain sad when your kids beg for Ty.len.ol...
• It is even sadder when you are counting down the minutes until you can give it to them, but you still have 2 hours to go...
• I chaperoned at a school dance today after school. First, it is official that I am old. The music was too loud. I had to walk around with my fingers in my ears! (shakes head) The younger me would be so ashamed. The baby did not like it. He was super aggressive with his movement until I left. The second I walked out the door of the dance, he quieted down. Poor guy. Can't say I blame him. The music left something to be desired. (another clue that I am just plain old now)

Stop by here and see what others are sharing...

31 Weeks

Ok. Before you look, remember it was late and I am not wearing makeup. Well, I never wear makeup, but I probably should start after looking at these pictures. Yikes. You know, I must really like you to subject myself to this type of public embarrassment!

From the back:

What? You're pregnant? Really?

Ka-Chow!

Hell yes, I am pregnant!

Here I am in all my 31 week glory...

---

Still sick. Ja.son now is too. 2 down...won't be long before the others follow. Sigh.

All's Well...

Gestation - 30 weeks, 2 days

Cervix was 3.0 cm. No funneling. Not dynamic when pressure is applied.

BPP was 8 out of 8. He was breathing!

Fluid was 12.95 cm.

Weight was estimated at 4 pounds 1 ounce (yes, you read that right-according to the bump, he should be between 2.5-3.8 pounds at this point.)

Mild pyelectasis was noted in the right kidney. We will continue to watch for resolution until delivery. If it has not resolved by delivery, follow up may be needed. Only an issue upon birth for 5-10% of those diagnosed in utero. (Um, you all know how I feel about us and odds...won't be surprised if a nephrologist is in our future. Not overly freaked or anything, though.)

I am taking this as a good appointment, but damn I am exhausted. I work myself up to such a frenzy before I see him that I think it takes all I've got just to make it through the stupid appointment.

Sigh.

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And for those of you who don't have any idea what I am talking about when it comes to cervix length, here is the down and dirty on the subject. (as I have come to understand them at least)


Cervix length is often well above 4.0 cm in the first trimester. At about 24 weeks, the average cervical length is about 3.5 -4.0 cm. Normally, in the late second and early third trimester the cervical length measures anywhere between 3 cm to 3.5 cm.

Several studies have suggested that a shorter cervical length (one that starts normally and shortens to below average) is correlated to an increased risk of preterm delivery. It is thought that a cervical length of 2.5–3.0 before 32 weeks gestation increases that preterm risk.

Rescue cerclages (like what I had at 20 weeks with the boys) are performed if a woman's cervix shortens to below 1.5 cm before 24 weeks gestation. A cervix that short, my friends, is bad, bad, bad. Mine was 1.2 cm.

Another study found that when the cervical length measures 1.5 cm or less, the risk of spontaneous preterm birth is almost 50 percent. (Source: American Journal of Obstetrics and Gynecology; June 2000; Volume 182 6 :1458-1467)

(The OB now tells me they were hoping to get me to viability at that time. They weren't expecting to...)

Anything under 2.0 cm would mean you get to partake in complete bed rest.

From 2.0-2.5 cm, would mean you would go on modified bed rest.

My cervical length is still not considered average at 3.0 cm for 30 weeks, but the cut off was 2.5 cm to continue to be "normal." Anything below 2.5 cm would mean I would go on disability immediately and at the minimum be placed on modified bed rest.

If you want to read more, go here.

We Have a Date (Edited Again!)

Baby Lo is now scheduled to arrive on March 30, 2011 -- 60 days from now. Yikes. He's coming whether or not I am ready!

Edited to add: No name yet. We did talk about it again this morning, though. Of course, the only names we talked about were the "Hell NO! I'm not naming my kid THAT!" names. Still...it was something!

Oh, and I'll add a picture to the Baby Lo page sometime tonight. :-)

---

How far along: 30 weeks today

Total weight gain: 18 pounds. All of those donuts are starting to show on the scale. :-)

Maternity clothes: Yes, but I can't quite bring myself to buy anything. I have 5 pairs of pants that I rotate through. At home I am in sweats. Thank goodness my mom gave me some maternity t-shirts for Christmas, or I'd really look bad.

Stretch marks: nope

Sleep: Not too bad. I am having some very vivid dreams, though. I have even started to act a few of them out. This morning for instance, I was beating up a woman (even swinging at the air and kicking) who ran into my car and tried to leave the scene. I chased her down and pulled her out of her car to beat her up! At one point, I was helicoptering her around above my head! Lol. (Um, totally not how I would react by the way.)

Best moment this week: Oops. I forgot this the first time. Must have had a brain fart again. I have three: 1) fun related - got a new IPhone. LOVE IT! Still afraid to get apps for it. I have a slightly addictive personality! 2) work related - had an awesome parent night on Wednesday. We had a great showing, and the parents were so appreciative. and 3) baby related - I finally got my section date. We had been throwing around dates that might be fun, but Baby Lo chose a date that we hadn't thought of yet. He wanted a date of his very own! Sounds just like a child of mine would do... :-)

Belly button in or out?: in mostly--it won't be long, though.

Cravings: Still want lots of donuts and instant breakfast

Dr. appointments?: I had an OB appointment on Friday. The baby's heart beat was a steady and strong. Things look good so far. :-)

We did talk again about my cervix. The cut off for me is still going to be 2.5. At that point I'll be taken out of work and stay home to incubate. This makes me a bit nervous because my cervix was 2.7 at the last appointment (although she said it could be longer but she couldn't see where my cervix actually started.)

The next appointment (with Dr. Doom) is on Monday. I always prepare things at work as if I won't be going back when I have one of his appointments.

What I am looking forward to: I am excited to see how big Baby Lo is now. He feels huge, but I know that it is all relative. Everything is HUGE when you have had preemies.

Next goal--32 weeks. I am thinking I can make it!

28 Weeks, 3 Days

The boys were born at this gestation. Oh man does this day scare me.

I've been dreading it, really. I am not sure how I am going to be. Each minute will seem like forever. Each pain and ache has already started to make me worry.

I've been poking him like crazy. Poor thing. It makes me nervous when he is quiet too long.

Wake up!

Tell me you're okay in there!

I'm telling myself that tomorrow I'll be able to relax some. After today, I'll be in uncharted territory as far as pregnancy goes. There are no terrorversaries left to torment me.

I just need to make it through this day.

28 weeks, 3 days.

I don't want to find out if lightening will strike again. I know far too well what can and does happen to babies born right now.

I can't imagine how broken I'll be if I deliver this little one this early, too.

That's a lie. I can imagine...I just don't want to.

Please let me make it through this day with Baby Lo still safely inside me. He deserves it.

Please.