It Finally Hit Me (I Am a Bit Slow Sometimes)

Thank you for the kind words on my last post. I am sorry if I scared anyone with the title. :-(

I am smart enough to know that the things that they are finding in my ultrasounds are not the end of the world. And let's face it, in the scheme of my world, these types of things are merely a blip on our medical radar.

I realize that if things do not change, the worst that will likely happen is that Baby Lo will need monitoring by various specialists until the two conditions in question resolve themselves. TO some degree, it does reassure me that Doom feels that both of these conditions are not really worthy of anything more than monitoring. (Well, it reassures me as much as anything someone I don't really trust but who should know what he is talking about says to me.)

Still.

It would be nice to really not have to think about things being "wrong" at all. It would be nice to not have to wonder about whether or not my little guy is going to be okay. It would be nice to not have to go to doctors and/or therapy or anything else and be able to just. plain. enjoy. my. kid. as. an. infant. It would be nice if I could fool myself into that allusion that the world is all sunshine and roses.

It would be nice if I could really feel that zen I am trying to show the world.

I guess that isn't the way it is supposed to be for me and my family. I am supposed to know. I am supposed to wonder.

I am supposed to fight.

Sometimes that just plain sucks. I hate that I know too much about the ugly side of things to ever really be able to go back to the ignorant and blissful me of the past.

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I wonder if that knowledge has hardened me?

I know it's made me into something so far from what I was that it is sometimes hard to recognize myself.

I hope the person I am now is a better person...

although I couldn't have been that bad before all of this stuff happened to us. Could I?

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You might laugh at this, but it has finally occurred to me that I may actually have a baby in 5ish weeks. A baby who will not live in the hospital for months, so he'll need, you know, actual stuff when he is delivered.

Holy shit.

Um, I haven't done a thing to get ready for this new little guy.

So last night I told Is.aac to pick up some newborn diapers from Cos.tco last night. He didn't know why I'd want him to do that. It seems that he hasn't wrapped his mind around this little guy coming in the very near future either.

There's no name. There's no where for him to sleep. There's no baby clothes laundered and folded. There's no registry even!

He has nothing but a big box of newborn diapers, which may or may not even fit him when he gets here.

I think it might be time to get ourselves into gear.

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33 weeks tomorrow. Still standing. Still working (although man I can't wait to stop). Still amazed.