On This Day...

Today is an anniversary of sorts. It is the day that everything in my world was turned upside down. It ranks on the top ten list of the scariest days in my life, and with the way my life has gone this past year, that is saying something.

On this day last year, my water broke.

As is the case on anniversaries, the memories have flooded back. Many of them are not so great. I have been weepy and the dreams have made yet another appearance. Maybe, though, this will take me one step closer to coming to terms with that time, a hill I have to climb to take me just a little farther from the pain of all of that. Maybe this will help me heal.

I sure hope so.

I think I am ready to focus on the tomorrows and not be continually sucked back to the yesterdays.

Maya had a beautiful post this week about her feelings from a year ago when she went into preterm labor. Our pregnancies were similar in so many ways--we got pregnant at roughly the same time, our betas were almost the same, we were pregnant with twins, we both went into preterm labor the same week, and we ultimately delivered early, although she was able to hold on for two precious weeks longer than I did.

So, because we have so much in common, I am borrowing this idea of hers (I hope you don't mind, Maya).

On this day a year ago...

...I was exactly 26 weeks pregnant.

...I had been on complete bed rest for 6 weeks. And when I say complete, I really do mean complete--up only to go to the bathroom and shower for ten minutes every other day.

...I had stayed up late, unable to sleep. The babies were playing soccer, or whatever it was they did in there, every time I tried to close my eyes.

...I woke up at 9:00 am with the urge to go to the bathroom.

...I didn't make it the ten steps to the bathroom before my sweats were wet.

...I called Isaac at work, crying hysterically, because I knew something was wrong, and it was much too early for something like this to happen.

...I called my doctor to say that I had either lost control of my bladder or my water had broken. He told me to head to labor and delivery right then.

...I waited for Isaac to come home from work so we could make the scary ride to the hospital. I told myself over and over that it was too early, it was too early. I pleaded with God that this was just me peeing my pants and nothing more.

...I walked to the labor delivery ward, leaking the entire way. We weren't ever really sure where to go. We hadn't had the hospital tour yet and I had never been there before.

...I listened to the OB and the perinatologist disagree about whether my membranes had ruptured. The OB thought yes; the perinatologist, who was mister doom and gloom for most of my pregnancy, thought no.

...I saw my two sweet little men on the ultrasound monitor, acting as if nothing was amiss.

...I had the test that did show traces of amniotic fluid.

...I learned that Jason's sac (baby A) had ruptured, probably up high, which meant a slow consistent leak.

...I had our first scary discussion with the neonatologists about what birth at 26 weeks would mean to my babies. It didn't look good for the boys.

...I was told that girls are often stronger than boys when it comes to premature births.

...I was told that each day I was able to stay pregnant would increase their chance of survival 5%.

...I was told that most people who had their membranes rupture prematurely usually delivered within a week.

...I had the first of the two steroid shots given to help the babies' lungs mature; we prayed that they would wait for at least the 24 hours needed for the steroids to have an effect before they were born.

...I had my first shot of terbutaline to stop the contractions that I didn't feel but were, according to the monitors, two minutes apart.

...I felt the side effects of that drug for the first time. Fortunately, or unfortunately, it would not be the last.

...I started what would end up being a month of mega doses of antibiotics to try and ward off infection and keep the babies as healthy as possible. (We managed to get sick, and two of us nearly died, from an infection anyway.)

...I spent my first night ever in a hospital attached to two monitors for the babies, a third monitor for contractions, a blood pressure cuff, an IV for fluids and antibiotics, and a heart rate monitor for me.

...I was the most frightened I had ever been in my life up to that point.

...we began the countdown to the boys' birth.

In 17 days the boys turn 1.

May the healing begin.

A Strong Person...

I used to be strong. Not physically, but emotionally. I always felt like I could handle anything that came my way. Stressful things never defeated me. I would just think and plan through any obstacles. I was proud of that. It made me feel capable and steady.

Now, I am not strong. I am weak, and each day proves to me over and over again how weak I really am.

Gone is my confidence.

Gone is my ability to overcome obstacles with ease.

Gone is my willingness to tackle what comes my way.

Now, I just want to run and hide. From everything. Everyone. I am tired and beat up and done with it all. I have no strength left.

It isn't pleasant to be in this place, but here I reside.

The time since my last post has been so draining and difficult.

On Monday of last week, my grandfather passed away. He had been ill, so this wasn't totally unexpected, but it hurts all the same. The worst part was that I knew from the second I heard the news that I would not be able to attend his funeral. I am on bed rest. I feel incredibly guilty about it. I realize that no one would ever expect me to jeopardize the safety of the babies to go to the funeral. In fact, I had several family members call me and stress that they didn't want me there. Still, not being able to attend the funeral, hug my grandmother and mother, and just be with the family on an occasion like this was almost too much. I let them down.

Then, on Wednesday, I woke up with the need to go to the restroom. The urge was incredible, and woke me up from a sound sleep. Before I could make it the ten or so steps to the bathroom from the bed, fluid started rushing out of me. I couldn't get it to stop. When I finally reached the toilet, I sat there, with fluid still streaming out, in a complete panic.

I tried to tell myself that it was incontinence. Just one more thing to add to the list of pregnancy issues I have wracked up or something. Shaking and filled with dread, I just sat there waiting for it to stop.

After what seemed like a lifetime, the water gush stopped. I got up to go clean myself up when the second gush started running down my legs. In tears, I made it to the phone to call my husband.

My stomach was lopsided. My right side was squishy and soft. I was so scared because everything was crashing down around me at that very moment. I must have done something to make this happen. I had let the babies down, too.

My husband came home and took me to labor and delivery. We didn't even know where it was. During the walk down the halls of the hospital, I had a third gush of fluid, which filled the pad I was wearing and again started to stream down my legs. It was horrible.

I was admitted to labor and delivery, attached to monitors, and an iv was started. They tested me and found that I was positive for fluid although I wasn't "pooling" fluid (which was good). I was having contractions that I wasn't feeling and was given a shot of terbutaline. Antibiotics were started and I had the steroid shot series to strengthen the babies' lungs. A technician from Dr. Doom's office came to scan the babies. We were told that I had lost fluid for baby A, but it looked like there was still sufficient fluid left.


I was hooked to the monitors for 48 hours straight. My contractions stopped relatively soon after the terb shot thankfully. I was given antibiotics every four hours to prevent the onset of infection, and we waited.

We prayed.

I got that scary speech about the odds if I delivered early. They would most likely survive, but they were at risk for blindness and brain issues. Plus we were told that boys are often weaker and experience more complications than girls.

We continued the waiting and praying.

The thought is that I had a tear in baby A's outer sac which may have healed over to stop the amniotic fluid loss. They did allow me to come back home on Saturday--back to bed rest. However, I continued the heavy duty antibiotics (every four hours) to prevent infection. I still leak something (not sure if it is fluid or urine) all the time, but the babies are looking okay so far. Scary as heck to go through this...

This week's OB appointments (I have been there twice) have discovered another infection, most likely brought on by the heavy antibiotics, and major hemorrhoids (sorry for tmi) to which even the doctor said, "Whoa!" when he saw them. I have been in MAJOR pain all week.

Tomorrow is a visit to Dr. Doom to reevaluate the babies and their fluid levels.

My confidence is gone.

I am weak and scared to death that something else will happen.

A Hard Day

This week has been filled with doctor visits. On Monday, I had a regular OB visit. These visits are pretty boring if you ask me. I go in, pee in a cup, they check my weight and blood pressure, and the doctor comes in to dopplar me. There is no ultrasounds to watch, no cooter cams, no "main event" so to speak. I did get a prescription for yet another UTI. Woohoo. Wild day.

Of course, I had to take a nap after the excursion...getting off of the bed really exhausts me now-a-days!

Yesterday we had another appointment with doctor doom. Again, I was up the night before, unable to sleep. I always worry that this place will give me some other bad news to add to the list. My husband had planned to come home to get me and then go with me to the appointment (like usual). This is kind of an inconvenience for him because he has to back track to our house a little to get me and then go back the same way to get to the doctor doom's. I am not supposed to drive, though, so this is how it has got to be.

It takes him about 20 minutes to get home from his work. It takes us exactly 1/2 hour to get to doctor doom's office when all of the traffic gods are lined up in our favor. I had asked my husband to get home a little earlier than that so I didn't feel so rushed.

(This is the story of my husband's life. He is NEVER early for anything and it drives me crazy. I am the kind of person who likes to have some breathing room before an appointment/event so I leave early. He thinks that if it takes 30 minutes to get to the doctor's appointment, then you should leave your house 30 minutes before the appointment.)

Well, he wasn't home early, and it isn't that I really expected him to be. It would have been nice, but I wasn't really going to complain about it. I called him to see if it was about time for me to start heading outside so we could just leave when he got there. This is the conversation we had...

Me: "Hey. Where are you?"

Him: "I am on ----." (still a good 15 minutes away from our house)

Him: "Shit...."

Me: "What!?"

Me: "The appointment is scheduled for 3:45! What is going on?"

Him: "Nothing. I'll be right there."

Two seconds later, he calls back to say...

Him: "Call your mom and see if she can take you down there. I'll meet you there. We'll never make it on time if I come to get you."

Me: "I can't call my mom. She isn't home. You were supposed to take me so she is off running errands!"

Him: "Well, you'll just have to drive yourself then."

With no other options, I grabbed my keys and took off.

This was the first and only time I've driven in five weeks. The driving itself was no problem, but I was having a lot of trouble breathing. The seats in my car are not comfortable, never have been, and never will be. Plus, it is a manual transmission. So, needless to say, I was getting quite worked up about the whole thing.

And, the traffic gods were not in my favor, of course.

So, I get to the appointment about 15 minutes late. Exhausted. Pissed. Still stressed about the appointment itself. Did I say PISSED?

The funny thing about appointments is that when you are late for yours, you have to wait until they can fit you in. That took a total of one hour. Yes, one hour. I sat for most of the time until the waiting room cleared and I was able to lay on their very uncomfortable couch.

So much for bed rest.

We did get to have our favorite ultrasound technician. That was a plus. She is just really good about walking us through what we see on the screen and she immediately tells us when things look normal or not. That is a tremendous relief.

The boys are doing well. Both are still ahead in growth. They are definitely cramped now, too. Both are 1 lb 14 ozs. Fluid is good. Cervix is holding for the most part. It went down to 1.3mm from the 1.4-1.5mm it was the last time. All in all, things are looking as good as can be expected.

Dr. doom came in and said that he really wants me to get to at least 29 weeks. I think he wants to start 'roiding me then. He doesn't really want to do it before then unless I have some turn for the worst. He said that both babies would most likely live at this point, but the possibility of brain issues or cerebral palsy is increased before that time. He also said that if I do have them early that it isn't anything I did to make it happen. That was nice of him. Again, I guess things are going as well as can be expected at this point.

Then I had to drive home. At 5:45 on a weekday. In southern California. Not fun.

I think I cried the entire way home. I was uncomfortable, tired, and still pissed at my husband.

He took a back road and apparently got home about 10 minutes before me. When I walked in, he was eating chips and watching TV.

Did I say I was PISSED! This did not help matters at all.

I went to bed and cried some more.

Today I am super sore under my ribs and on both sides. And I am still tired. And I am still a little mad. Sigh.

I Am All Screwed Up!

Well, that says it all, doesn't it? Actually, it is my sleeping patterns that are all screwed up, not me. It is now 2:19 am and I am wide awake. Sad. This is after almost four weeks of bed rest. What will I be like in four more weeks? I guess I'll be ready for the night time feedings when they happen!

Poor dh has taken to sleeping on the couch because I just can't get to sleep. No sex (thanks to pelvic rest and I.C.) and now no bed. Jeez. Bet he wonders what will be next!

We have a doctor doom visit this afternoon. Maybe that is part of the reason for my inability to sleep. It will be nice to see the babies again (I pray they are well). Still, I have that anxious feeling I always get before we go to him.

Hope the cervix is nice and long. I don't really want to know what happens if it isn't.

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Hey, have you tried the Bionic Assessment Test that is on the right? I have hooked several of my friends on it, so watch out! Something happens when you get to 75% bionic...if you get there before me, tell me what it is!

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Thanks to Gemini Girl for an award! I feel so honored! She also honored two of my favorite reads, Topcat and Role Playing With the Kids, so that leaves me with three people to nominate. Now it is time for me to pass this baby on to some other deserving bloggers out there:



Carey from Uterus X 2: This blog is about Carey and her wife's quest to start a family. First, Steph became pregnant with "The Boy" and now Carey is pregnant with twins! That will make three babies in six months! I am in awe!

Dawn from Nearlydawn...Nearlypregnant...Nearlyoutofsteam!: Dawn just felt her first kicks this week! Congratulations, Dawn!

RC from Confessions of a Rotten Correspondent: RC is nominated frequently for such awards, but she is very deserving of each and every honor bestowed upon her. She is an absolute riot and very insightful! I'm sure you'll love reading her blog just as much as I do.

Day 21 of Bed Rest...

Tomorrow will be week 23. Yay. Both my babies are looking good and my cervix seems to be holding steady due to the cerlage and bed rest. All of these things are pointing to a happy ending with this pregnancy. I couldn't be happier (well I guess I could be happier if I wasn't on the bed rest, but you get my point).

At the start of this confinement, twenty-one days seemed like a lifetime away. I was sure that I would lose my mind. I must admit that I had several dark days in the beginning. I am okay about doing this now and the time seems to have blended together. It doesn't really seem like that long. I wonder if I'll look back at the end of the pregnancy and think the same thing?

But...

I am still struggling with the fairness of it all. Not so much with is it fair that I have to be on bed rest after working so hard to get pregnant in the first place while the rest of the world seems to go on blissfully in their easy pregnancies. No, I am struggling with the fairness of me being on bed rest while my husband is able to go do what he wants. How sad is that?

I still have considerable anger inside toward my husband. It doesn't show up very often and I don't think of it really, but it is there. I know it isn't healthy. I know it hurts our relationship. It is there none the less. We even went to counseling for it. Still there.

I blame my husband for me having to do all of this infertility shit. I blame him for making me wait until I was old and had high fsh and few eggs before he would even think of having kids. I blame him for the shots, the procedures, and maybe even the miscarriages. That "if I was younger I wouldn't be going through this" feeling was/and now is there.

Now I blame him for the bed rest. I can rationalize that it isn't his fault that my cervix is shortening. It isn't his fault that my body is reacting this way to being pregnant. But then I think "Or is it?" and I am back to the "if I was younger I wouldn't be going through this".

I have tried talking to my husband about these feelings and I thought he understood where I am at. I feel like this bed rest thing is a COUPLE issue not just a ME issue. I believe that we both are on bed rest now. That doesn't mean that he shouldn't go to work or do the things that need to be done to keep the house working. I just thought that it should be that he does the essentials and then spends the rest of the time at home.

He, however, has a different perspective. He feels that he is doing all of this extra work now and he needs some time away. So, he went to go to his cousin's football game on Friday and a poker game on Sunday. He spent most of both days out of the house. I am the one on bed rest, not him.

I have a problem with that.

Am I wrong to think that?

I realize he is doing a lot around the house and for me. I do appreciate it very much. I know it isn't easy for him either. But, if the tables were turned, and he was the one on bed rest, I would be there with him as much as possible.

Sigh...only about 12 more weeks of bed rest to go...

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Here are some pictures of the babies and my expanding stomach

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Me at 19 weeks (the week before bed rest):



Me at 22 weeks:



The babies looking at each other. They are elbow to elbow with their foreheads together. You can see the back of one baby's head and his ear (in the center of the picture) and the nose, lips, and chin of the second baby (in the bottom left hand corner of the picture).

Too Much Time to Think on Bed Rest!

(Warning! This is a long post!)

I am sitting here alone with my thoughts a lot now. That usually isn't such a bad thing, but often my mind travels to very unfortunate places and the worries/fears come out of hiding. Well, who am I kidding, these thoughts are not exactly hiding so I suppose that I would be thinking about these things whether I was on bed rest or not. Maybe the bed rest thing just gives me more time to focus on them...

Who knows?

In an effort to give myself something neat to think about, I contacted a psychic online....

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Now before you yell at me or say how dumb I am, let me catch you up with my history with this person.

Back in December, before IVF #1, I was in a state of nervous expectation. All kinds of questions raced through my brain. I had already done three IUI's and had been trying to conceive for well over two years at that point. Now this could be the thing to get me there. Would it work? Would I finally get my dream of being pregnant?

So I heard of a psychic on one of the support boards I visit. She was supposed to be super accurate. I looked her up and found that she would charge $7.00 (Canadian) to tell me when I would conceive. All my questions would be solved, right? Well, no, but I had hoped it would give me a little reassurance that I was doing the right thing. I was looking for anything at that point...did I say I was nervous?

I payed the money for the psychic reading and waited for my reply. Meanwhile, I started my cycle and got all the way to the retrieval. It was a dismal turn out for me. I had such high hopes but only managed to make six eggs. I was devastated. All the other women I had read about made twenty eggs it seemed. How would I ever get pregnant with just six? I was at a new low to say the least. I had a great fertilization report (all six fertilized) and when I went to the transfer on day three, they actually wanted me to come back the next day because they couldn't determine the "best" embies because they all looked so good. I started to feel a little better, but I wasn't convinced.

Then the psychic contacted me and said I would conceive/find out/or deliver in December. And, it would be a boy. (Wow, it just occurred to me that I will most likely deliver in December and I am having boys! Hmm...hadn't thought of that before!)

On day four, we transferred two beautiful embies (had one to freeze) and waited for a positive result. I found out my beta was positive the day after Christmas. I miscarried on January first. I was devastated.

So, I wrote to the psychic to tell her that I did indeed get pregnant, but I miscarried. Did she see any other babies in my future. She said I would conceive/find out/or deliver in March, but this time it was going to be a girl. She wrote me a lovely description of who she saw this daughter to be:

"When it comes to your daughter, would tell you that I see her as someone with very beautiful looks. I think that a lot of people are going to stop you when out and about and tell you how pretty she is. I think that you will find her well behaved,. shes not too loud, and has a very pretty voice. Shes someone who does not mind being in the centre of attention is not shy at all, and sometimes does seem oblivious to all the attention that she gets from complete strangers!

Shes very open and positive person, one who enjoys talking and is a very good listener. I think that you will find that shes willing to discuss pretty much anything with anyone (within reason) and often takes courses that reflect more of "nursing" type courses. The things that she chooses are always about helping people. Shes often volunteered during her teenage years, usually within a veterinarian office on the weekend to gain experience.

I see her as someone who enjoys social contact, prefers to be in activities that you learn things, like going to "girlguides/brownies" is what will appeal to her, the different badges they earn. I also see her taking first aid courses as well through them. Often asking you if she can advance her training.

When she is 18, I think that you will find that shes "scouted" and is asked to audition for a small part in a TV series which she lands no problem. This is the money she stocks away for schooling and at age 21, when the series wraps she attends university for a paramedic type course.

I think that you will find that she will often do commercials or small projects like that on the side, but likes to focus her attention as a paramedic. Often teaching first aid classes herself.

When it comes to marriage, I see her closer to 27, they will have two girls of their own."

This was a perfect balance of both myself and my husband. I focused on this information. It helped get me through the difficult time after the miscarriage. March was all I could think about, and wouldn't you know it, my next ivf cycle had the beta scheduled in early March! That fit perfectly. I knew I would get pregnant because the psychic said so. (I do realize that I was a little over the edge at this point, but if you have been in this kind of situation, I am sure you understand the desperation and need to have some kind of answers. This worked for me.)

February came, had eight eggies, seven fertilized, and we transferred four on day four this time. I think my RE had decided that my eggs were going bad and was trying to get more aggressive. I didn't care. I was going to get pregnant with a girl. Well, I got my positive on March 1 and miscarried a week later. I was devastated again. Went to the RE and pushed for testing because I started to think of my body as the womb o' death.

Back to the psychic. Did she see anything that could help me? Would I ever get that baby? She told me that we were on the path to find out what was preventing me from getting pregnant (we discovered some clotting disorders) and that she saw May with a girl.

That was this pregnancy and now I am 22 weeks tomorrow. She was right about it all but the girl thing. I fully expected to see at least one girl at the ultrasound because she was so right on about everything else. That didn't happen.

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I went back to the psychic to see if she could answer a few of my questions about this pregnancy. Now I am not holding the information she said about the boys as the ultimate truth. I think I will tuck that info away to pull out in the future to just see how close she got. I am not expecting them to be exact duplicates of what she wrote or anything. I get that this is fun and not necessarily how it will be, okay? But, if you are interested, here is what she wrote this time:

"Question: This is actually my second prediction from you (you were correct about conception/find out month but not gender) so I am trying to find out about my current pregnancy. I am currently pg with twin boys. What can you tell me about them?

Answer:

BOY A
When it comes to your son would tell you hat he is someone who is very good with communication. even as a young child seems to be able to tell you what it is he wants and seems to be able to show you when he wants something just as well as trying to explain it.

I think that you will find that he is someone who likes to be helpful, I see him trying to carry the jug of milk and its being a bit heavy for him, but he is someone who wants to make sure that he does it, someone who is always trying to be the "big boy" in the house and you can always count ont he fact that he is going to do what it takes to get the job done. He is not a slacker, someone who is always on the go and trying to make sure that everything is done right.

He has good leadership skills, someone who gives good direction to people and just has a way about him that although he is "ordering' people around, it's done in a way that is respectful and fun. kids love hanging around him, he is always got a new idea for them to try. someone who is relaxed and easy going and includes everyone in the game regardless.

I think that you will find that when it comes to career paths, I see him working in the warehouse. I believe that he handles also the safety position other than working on the floor with the machinery.

When it comes to marriage I see him closer to 26, they will have two girls of their own.

BOY B
When it comes to your second son, I think that he is very similar to his brother, only a bit more on the quiet side. One who does not push or get in your face, would prefer that you come to him or approach him when your someone new. He can be a bit shy, but seems to be more accepting to new situations when he has his brother with him while they are younger.

I think that you will find that he is someone who is very kind and gentle, always has a smile on his face and can be very affectionate. I think that you will find that he is more of the "listening" type, would much rather listen to people talking, than offering information about himself right away.

He is very funny, someone who always likes to make light of a situation and has no problems with cracking jokes about an otherwise stressful situation, even if it has to do with him and something that he is involved in.

I think that you will find that he is someone who is good with people, has a way about him that make people feel important and listened to. I think that you will find that he is most comfortable in familiar surroundings.

When it comes to career paths, I see him linked to a inside sales type position.

When i comes to marriage I see him closer to 22, they will have one girl and one boy of their own.

Question: When do you see me delivering the babies?

Answer:

At just over 37 weeks, so like at 37 weeks and 3 days (something to do with the number 22 comes in as well).

Question: I would love to know if any other children/pregnancies are in our future.

Answer: GIRL - MAY - same reading as before, but updated month"

My analysis about what she wrote? Well baby A sounds more like me in personality. I tend to get drafted into the leadership roles, and I do know that people listen and follow what I suggest. I am not sure about the work part of his prediction. Wharehouse occupations seem a little outdated! Baby B sounds a lot like my husband. He is a quiet thinker, and would much rather watch people doing things and talking than participate. (That is slowly changing, though.) He is very funny and has a quick witt. The occupation part is interesting, too, because my husband is the marketing director for a company and helps with creating advertisements for the sales department. I thought the delivery time was interesting. I would love to hold on to the babies until week 37. Week 37 starts the week of Christmas. Hopefully I can go that long without having contractions. Of course, the number 22 is a little scary. Wonder what that means? I am working on week 22 now...hmmm.

Anyway, this is at least giving me something fun to think about instead of all of the scary stuff. What do you think?

Dr. Doom

I have a visit with Dr. Doom tomorrow and I am incredibly nervous. That man scares the crap out of me...I am compelled to continue to see him just in case he can DO something/anything to make everything peachy keen. What he can do remains to be seen. Still, I HAVE to go torture myself. It is a strange relationship to say the least. He is like that mean teacher you always wanted to impress at school but couldn't quite seem to please.

Hope all is well. Preparing for the worst. Praying for the best. Wish me luck.

Welcome to Pity Party Central

That is where I am at right now. I, of course, am the only attendee at the party, but that doesn't mean the party isn't in full swing.

Today is day 5. Only. I am going to lose my mind.

The Fun Just Never Ends

School officially started this week. I was nervous about it, wondering how I would handle being up and on my feet all day. My body was pretty used to laying around. I must admit that the first day back was tough and I was VERY tired when I got home. By Tuesday, though, I was feeling much better about it all.

I did talk to the administration about my feelings on the schedule changes. I was told that they appreciate my concern, but the decision was still going to remain the same. The union reps told me that I had something to grieve if I wanted to go that route. I decided that it wasn't worth my energy at this point. As a last effort, though, I did make them write an email stating that I would get the honors class back next year. At least that is something...

The whole issue became mute. On Tuesday I went to my scheduled appointment with Dr. "Doom and Gloom," you know, Mr. Amnio. About 10 minutes into the vaginal ultrasound, the technician called the doctor in to take a look. It seems that my cervix had begun to shorten and was now half the length it was four weeks ago. I was given the estimate that the cervix length was between 1.2-1.5cm. WTF? He immediately called my OB to set up an appointment for cerclage (cervix stitching) and put me on restricted bed rest. From here on out. Bed rest at 20 weeks. Pee, eat, shower for 10 minutes, then bed rest. Crap.

It was decided that I would go in the next day to have the procedure.

My regular OB is the doctor to perform the procedure. Before the actual cerclage, he wanted to see me at his office so he could check my cervix himself. Cervix is closed. That is good. Soft. Not so good, but not terrible. Still long enough to actually stitch it (he compared the cervix to the end of a balloon--you have to have the little tail part to do the stitching). My OB seemed a little confused as to why Dr. Doom was acting as if everything was so urgent. He said that he probably wouldn't have flagged me as even needing to have the stitch, although he would have suggested a "lightened load" at work.

Anyway...

I went of to the Same Day Surgery Ward at the hospital. I checked in and waited 3 whole minutes before they took me back to the prep room. When does that ever happen? It was probably because I was a nervous wreck and not too keen on the idea of them pulling my innards out to sew them up. Things always happen fast when I am nervous about something.

They took me back to a room that had a bunch of tables surrounded by curtains. I was the only patient at the time. The nurse led me to the first bed, pulled the curtain shut, and gave me a gown to get dressed in. I was strangely comforted by the gown. I guess I had seen enough of them at my retrievals. After that, they hooked me up to several monitors (I think there were six, but I may be off on that number). They took my history and medications list, put in an IV, and had me wait for the anesthetists. I was going to get a spinal because that is the safest for the babies. Fun.

Fast forward about a half an hour, and I was wheeled into an operation room (OR B to be exact). The room was sooooo cold and my teeth started chattering the second my mostly naked body entered. I had to sit on the edge of the table while they gave me the spinal and they layed me back on the table. I must admit that I was numb very quickly--pretty much before they even layed me back. I was strapped into stirrups (again reminiscent of retrievals) and "cleaned". They put in a catheter and called in my OB.

I was totally aware of everything that was happening, and I could hear the doctors talking over the chattering of my teeth. Again my OB said that he didn't really think that he would have made do all of this--he wasn't talking to me, I could just hear him. He again said that I was in better shape than he was led to believe. That isn't exactly what one wants to hear as she is laying there with her vajayjay hanging out for everyone to play with.

The actual procedure took approximately 10 minute. It took approximately four hours total before I could feel enough for them to release me. I got to go home with strict orders to remain flat on my back for the night. I managed a total of 13 hours before I caved and moved to my side.

Today I am sore and my back hurts, but otherwise you wouldn't know I had done anything yesterday. Strange how that is. I am doing the bed rest thing and getting up only to pee, eat, and shower, but I am already totally going crazy. It has been one day. I have 20 weeks left...

I managed to find a substitute for school and planned for two weeks. My colleagues have rallied behind me and have taken over planning and anything else they can think of to do. It is all very sweet and I am very lucky to have them in my life.

Tomorrow I have to call my OB and have them fax a disability letter to work.

After that, I guess I just lay around and incubate.

19 Weeks!

One of my favorite things is to come to this site and look at the ticker to the right. It is amazing to see how much the babies change from week to week. That little box, with the floating babies, really is the only thing around me to let me know what is happening in my body.

I can't imagine what it would have been like to have been pregnant in earlier decades. I was talking to my mom the other day, and she said she never had an ultrasound during any of her pregnancies. How did she contain herself? How do you know that things are progressing normally? Short of watching your belly grow and not having a period, did they really know they were pregnant? I never would have been able to sit and wait without being able to visually see (via ultrasound) that things are A-okay in there! Thank God for technology!

As I am getting the classroom ready for school, I am running in to colleagues who are also getting ready. They are so excited to see me and see how I am growing. They all ask, "What have you done for the babies so far?"

Uhhh...nothing.

That isn't the response that people are ready to hear. They want to hear about my nursery plans, all the things I have bought, and name possibilities--they want details about it all. Sadly, I have none.

I haven't been able to do anything in the babies' room. Part of that is because I've been sick, but a lot of it has to do with the fact that I just am not motivated. I just haven't wanted to do it. I have casually browsed through some Internet sites for crib bedding. Nothing strikes my fancy. I have tried to think of wall colors I would love to see or furniture that would be nice. There is nothing to show for it, though. I don't really have any strong desires or plans and it is started to get me a little worried.

As for baby things, I bought two packages of onsies. That is it. And that is only because they were on sale and my mom forced me to buy them. Nothing else. What is with that?

Names are not going well, either. Dh and I had a girl's name picked long before we even considered getting married. It is a combo of both his middle name and mine. I love that name and wanted so badly to use it on one of the babies. Now that they are both boys, we are back to square one in the name game. I have brought up a few, which we have sort of discussed, but nothing really tugs at my heart as a "right" name for us.

Why am I like this? I wanted to get pregnant so much that I sank into mini depressions each month it didn't happen. The miscarriages caused me so much pain (and still do), I thought for sure that when I got pregnant and it stuck, I would be the happiest person on earth. This hasn't come to be and it scares me.

I waffle back and forth from thinking that this will work for us and we'll have babies in a few months, to waiting for that other shoe to drop and all the hopes to fade away yet again. Most days I can pretend that I am overjoyed and super excited about what is happening (sometimes I pretend so well that I think I AM actually happy). The only people who know that my true tendency is to be a nervous wreck is my husband and mom. I am always so thankful that they are there to listen to me vent about my fears and concerns!

Today I am 19 weeks. This pregnancy is most likely half over. In another 19 weeks, I hope I have two healthy babies. I pray that I do...

Double Whew! (Wipe Brow in Relief)

Sorry I've been MIA. I was trying to keep myself from thinking about babies (as if I could really) and was staying away. That and dh decided we really did need to go on the anniversary trip to Vegas that we had previously planned before all the baby drama happened.

We left on Saturday afternoon and got there really late because of traffic and frequent pee stops. We came back last night. I must say that it was a welcome distraction from everything. We saw the Cirque performance of Love--the Beatles tribute. It was abstract, like they always are, but we both liked it a lot. Other than that, we gambled (unfortunately I am not a millionaire, darn it, and I am a whole lot poorer than I was when we got there), saw the sights, and ate lots. I had a lot of fun.

The good news is that they finally called today from the doctor's office. Both babies are still boys :-) because I had to check and chromosomally normal. Whew. It is so nice to hear that my little ones are healthy. Double whew.

I was thinking about this pg and you know what? I might actually get some babies out of this! Who'd have thought it?

Scared Shitless

Yesterday was a very traumatic day. It was one of those days that you are not expecting to turn bad, and when it does, it just throws your whole life around.

Sometimes I wonder why everything has to be so challenging. Who did I piss off up there that sees the need to make me suffer at every opportunity? What could I have done that was so bad to earn all of this?

We had our 16 week scan yesterday. I was excited to go, looking forward to the opportunity to find out the genders of the babies. Both boys, apparently. This will sound horrible, but it was a blow that both the babies are boys. I so wanted a girl. The psychic said it would be two girls. Don't get me wrong, I will love the boys without hesitation. But...

Then...

The tech was pointing out all of the different parts of the babies. It was neat to see how big they are getting. Then she kept returning to their brains. She stayed on their brains for a disproportionate amount of time. I was starting to get nervous. She didn't say anything about it when I asked. "Oh, I am looking for blood flow," and stuff like that. Okay. Then she went on to their other parts and spent an unusual amount of time on B's feet. He had one foot wrapped around the other and wouldn't show it. I said something about him not wanting to show her his foot and she said something about worrying his foot was clubbed. What? That can't be, right?

She finished and the Peri came in to the room. He picked up the ultrasound wand and went back to the babies' brains. I really started to sweat at this point. Something is wrong with their brains!?! Holy Crap. I asked him what he was looking at, and he proceeds to tell me that both babies have cysts on their brains. This is a marker for Downs. While normal babies have been seen to have this, too, he suggests that I undergo an amnio on each of the babies today to make sure. Then he goes to B's foot. Of course, B wouldn't move it away from his other foot. The Peri says he isn't sure about the formation of the foot. Could be deformed, or could not be. That was helpful.

Do we want the amnio...he suggests it. Downs possibility...Shit.

We did the amnio and now have to wait the ten days for the results. I just wish it was Monday again and I could be oblivious about all of this.

Our anniversary is tomorrow. Great way to celebrate it, isn't it?

15 Weeks!

Sorry I've been MIA lately! I have no excuses, really, unless laziness is considered one. That is pretty much all it was--laziness. That, and I think I am experiencing that "pregnancy brain" phenomenon. I thought that pb was merely a myth, something men used to describe their pregnant wives when they became hormonal and crazy. (I say crazy because I am having some clear crazy moments over the last few weeks.) I have come to discover that this condition really does exist, and I am afflicted. Couple that with laziness and, well, you get the idea.

My trip to San Diego was a lot of fun but extremely tiring. I think it took about a week to fully recover once I got home. I went with four other ladies from work. They were so much fun and a blast to be around. (That is the best thing about the school that I work at. I am surrounded by wonderful people who I genuinely like and care for!) We went out to eat and saw the town. The only problem was that we had to do a lot of walking. A LOT. I had to continually rest and tell everyone to slow down. This was especially embarrassing because one of the other ladies, Dawn, was 6 and 1/2 months pregnant, and she NEVER complained about anything. Me, on the other hand? I was always telling them I needed to rest, or eat, or pee. Always something. The others took it well and didn't make me feel bad--thankfully--and I think I did pretty well over all.

Since my return, I haven't done very much. I went out to lunch with some friends last week and managed to get the worst sunburn. I don't know how I did it, either. I was sitting in the shade, under an umbrella, and spent no more than 10 minutes in direct sunlight. I was wearing 15 sunblock. Still, I was fried. So much so, that I had huge welts on my arms, neck, and scalp for several days. (Have you ever had your scalp peel? Not pretty, let me assure you!) I was even sick to my stomach that night. Dh was concerned, so he had me check on the babies pretty regularly over the weekend. Neither one seemed to care how miserable their mother was. Both of their heartbeats were steady and strong--Thank Goodness!

Speaking of babies, I have had some interesting experiences since I last posted. First, I made a new pregnancy friend. Her name is round ligament pain. She is quite the delight to have around! Apparently, I had made her acquaintance several weeks before for fleeting moments, but I just didn't know her name. Thanks to my doctor for clearing it up for me. Once we were formally introduced, she wanted to stick around a little more. That led to a few days last week when I was living on Tylenol trying to kill the constant annoyance of her presence. I think she is finally getting the message that I am not wanting to party, because I haven't had too many problems this week. This week, I only feel it when I sneeze or move suddenly. Not too bad anymore. I am keeping my fingers crossed that it doesn't get bad again. (I can dream, right?)

I also think I felt the first baby thump. I have felt it several times. It feels more like someone is flicking me with their fingers from the inside. I probably wouldn't have even noticed it except that it was so consistent over a few days. I used the Doppler, and sure enough, the heartbeat for Ethel was right where the feeling was. It truly was the coolest thing yet and totally makes up for the visit from round ligament pain. I haven't felt Lucy yet (except a brief sciatic pain I had that may have been from Lucy kicking). I think that is because she seems to be further back away from the outside of my belly toward my spine.

I am now 15 weeks. Almost through my fourth month. Probably around four and half months to go until the babies arrive. Wow. It's still surreal. Still checking my undies to see if I have started. Some things die hard!

For those of you interested in a belly shot for 15 weeks, here you go...

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P.S. I have been tagged twice and I haven't forgotten. I will work on both tags over the weekend!

12 Weeks Down, 28 To Go!

12 weeks today!

I can hardly believe it. I am still in a strange sense of denial about this whole pregnancy, even after seeing my little beans kicking and waving their legs and arms...even with the incredible hunger and fatigue I feel...even with this increasing bump of a belly I've got going here. I know I am pregnant, but I am still waiting for it all to sink in at some point.

I finally flipped my calendar to July yesterday. Yesterday was the one year anniversary of our first appointment with the RE. It stopped me in my tracks and really made me think. It's amazing how much can change in a year.

A Roller Coaster of Emotions Part 2

I was released by my RE this week. I was totally unprepared for the emotions that my little "graduation" would evoke. The thought of leaving that place, where I had spent so much time over the last year, terrifies me! It was comfortable. I knew the game plan, what was happening and what would be next. The pattern of shots, schedules, and counting follies was comforting. There was action--I was doing something and feeling something. The doctors and nurses knew me and my issues. They WANTED me pregnant and believed it would happen even when I didn't. Now I will be forced into the real world, to an OB/GYN who I haven't seen in over a year. That place where all those pregnant people mocked me the last time I was there.

Only this time I'll be pregnant, too. Why do I feel like such a fake or something? An impostor? Like a little girl playing dress-up in her mother's clothes?

Do I fit into the pregnant world with all of these confusing feelings, fears, and doubts? I don't fit into the infertile/ivf world anymore. I have jumped ship and joined "them". Where do I belong?

Christ.

Now I just wait. Wait to feel like I am pregnant. Wait for the next ultrasound to confirm that the little ones are still doing okay. Wait to see if this will really happen and if I will end up with babies in a few months. There's no more action. Only waiting. And apparently, I am NOT good at waiting.

A Roller Coaster of Emotions

I am still having trouble putting my feelings here. I don't know why. I often think of what I want to say and come here with every intention of writing, but I just don't. It is the strangest thing and something I can't quite figure out.

This past week has been a roller coaster of emotions. This was the final week of school--at last. The last days of school are always a whirlwind of events. There is massive grading, cleaning, promotion practice, and finishing up the end of the year. It is crazy.

We had some horrible news, though, when we found out that one of our students was stabbed by a family member and passed away last Monday. While she wasn't a student in my class, something like this shakes the entire school--the entire district for that matter. The saddest part was that it never should have happened. Warning signs were blaring all around the girl's family that this particular family member was not well. No one listened. Now an innocent young girl is dead. Killed in her sleep. She was eleven. It was so senseless and it breaks my heart.

A memorial fund has been set up to help the family pay for funeral and burial costs.

Hopefully the service will be next week.

Sometimes I forget that things like this happen in the world every day.

Vent

I had a rough day at school today. There are only 7 days left to the school year, and we are all feeling it. The end of the year can't come quick enough for any of us.

One highlight of the day was during first period. I had asked my students to fill out some paperwork so I could update the student cumulative records. This wasn't earth shattering information; I asked for things like name, address, date of birth, parent occupations, etc. Simple right? Surely a 7th grader could do this without much problem, right? Wrong. One kid couldn't spell his middle name. I kid you not. Couldn't spell it. Two others didn't know their addresses. I was so frustrated with them! Jeez. Come on already! Think for a minute! They act like they haven't learned a thing!

It went down hill from there.

I hope it is just the hormones making me crazy. I hope things will be better tomorrow.

Update

Thank you so much for the positive thoughts and prayers over the last few days. I certainly didn't mean to leave everyone hanging.

The ultrasound went well. We saw two strong heartbeats (thank goodness!) and both babies seem to be doing well. Baby B, Ethel, measured at 8w2d, while baby A, Lucy, measured in at 8w1d. They are both right on target as far as growth. The doctor didn't see any cause for the spotting. He actually said that he was surprised that I hadn't had any spotting before then because he has seen most multiple pregnancies with early spotting. He suggested I lounge around the house over the weekend to ensure that all is well, and that is exactly what I did! There hasn't been any spotting today, so it looks like his suggestion worked.

At this appointment we actually got a congratulations and a hug from both the doctors we have seen at the clinic as well as all of the nurses there that day. My main doctor even said that he that he would go out on a limb and say that based on the babies' measurements and how things look, he felt the babies are there for the long haul. He dropped my miscarriage rate to about 3 percent (hand wipes brow) and said at 10 weeks the rate will drop to one percent. Yippee! While I realize that someone has to be part of that three percent right now, I am starting to believe that I won't be one of those people.

Did you catch that? That was optimism! Wow...I haven't had that for a long while!

Twins. I am having two babies. At the same time. Whoa! That freaks me out a little. My mom bought me two little newborn onesies the other day. It hit me that all that baby will be in me! Jeez. I am excited and scared. Happy and nervous. I have all these conflicting emotions that I guess I haven't really dealt with until now. Lying around gives you lots of time to think about such things.

My next ultrasound will be at my 10 week mark. The doctor will most likely take me off the Lovenox, progesterone, and estrogen at that point.

Right now, though, I am enjoying the moment and taking it one step at a time.

P.S. I'll post the ultrasound photos when I get the chance!

Scared

I haven't posted for awile. I am still afraid that I might somehow jinx this pregnancy and something might happen.

I am waiting to leave for my second ultrasound. As if that isn't nerve wracking enough, I started to spot yesterday afternoon. It was brown and after a bowel movement, but I started to cramp afterward. The cramping lasted for about twenty minutes and then became sort of a tugging sensation on my left side. I am still totally freaked about the whole thing. I spotted again today, again after a bowel movement. I pray that both babies will be okay and that this isn't some sign of doom. Please pray for me and the babies...

Peace People!

As promised, here is my ultrasound photo. I think it is so funny that they are directly across from each other. The negative space behind them sort of makes a peace sign, too. Too cool!

We have dubbed the babies "Lucy and Ethel" so we don't have to call them A and B. We realize that these are both girls' names, but I like the way it sounds so that is what we are going to call them.

My husband took my first belly shot last night. I still have quite the bloat from all of the IVF stuff (or maybe it's all that food?), so I don't know if it is from the meds or the babies exactly. Surely something that is only 7-9mm couldn't make me that big, right? Even if it is times two? It should be interesting to see how I grow as I get further along. Wow. That sounds so strange as I write it. All this is still a little surreal...