A Strong Person...

I used to be strong. Not physically, but emotionally. I always felt like I could handle anything that came my way. Stressful things never defeated me. I would just think and plan through any obstacles. I was proud of that. It made me feel capable and steady.

Now, I am not strong. I am weak, and each day proves to me over and over again how weak I really am.

Gone is my confidence.

Gone is my ability to overcome obstacles with ease.

Gone is my willingness to tackle what comes my way.

Now, I just want to run and hide. From everything. Everyone. I am tired and beat up and done with it all. I have no strength left.

It isn't pleasant to be in this place, but here I reside.

The time since my last post has been so draining and difficult.

On Monday of last week, my grandfather passed away. He had been ill, so this wasn't totally unexpected, but it hurts all the same. The worst part was that I knew from the second I heard the news that I would not be able to attend his funeral. I am on bed rest. I feel incredibly guilty about it. I realize that no one would ever expect me to jeopardize the safety of the babies to go to the funeral. In fact, I had several family members call me and stress that they didn't want me there. Still, not being able to attend the funeral, hug my grandmother and mother, and just be with the family on an occasion like this was almost too much. I let them down.

Then, on Wednesday, I woke up with the need to go to the restroom. The urge was incredible, and woke me up from a sound sleep. Before I could make it the ten or so steps to the bathroom from the bed, fluid started rushing out of me. I couldn't get it to stop. When I finally reached the toilet, I sat there, with fluid still streaming out, in a complete panic.

I tried to tell myself that it was incontinence. Just one more thing to add to the list of pregnancy issues I have wracked up or something. Shaking and filled with dread, I just sat there waiting for it to stop.

After what seemed like a lifetime, the water gush stopped. I got up to go clean myself up when the second gush started running down my legs. In tears, I made it to the phone to call my husband.

My stomach was lopsided. My right side was squishy and soft. I was so scared because everything was crashing down around me at that very moment. I must have done something to make this happen. I had let the babies down, too.

My husband came home and took me to labor and delivery. We didn't even know where it was. During the walk down the halls of the hospital, I had a third gush of fluid, which filled the pad I was wearing and again started to stream down my legs. It was horrible.

I was admitted to labor and delivery, attached to monitors, and an iv was started. They tested me and found that I was positive for fluid although I wasn't "pooling" fluid (which was good). I was having contractions that I wasn't feeling and was given a shot of terbutaline. Antibiotics were started and I had the steroid shot series to strengthen the babies' lungs. A technician from Dr. Doom's office came to scan the babies. We were told that I had lost fluid for baby A, but it looked like there was still sufficient fluid left.


I was hooked to the monitors for 48 hours straight. My contractions stopped relatively soon after the terb shot thankfully. I was given antibiotics every four hours to prevent the onset of infection, and we waited.

We prayed.

I got that scary speech about the odds if I delivered early. They would most likely survive, but they were at risk for blindness and brain issues. Plus we were told that boys are often weaker and experience more complications than girls.

We continued the waiting and praying.

The thought is that I had a tear in baby A's outer sac which may have healed over to stop the amniotic fluid loss. They did allow me to come back home on Saturday--back to bed rest. However, I continued the heavy duty antibiotics (every four hours) to prevent infection. I still leak something (not sure if it is fluid or urine) all the time, but the babies are looking okay so far. Scary as heck to go through this...

This week's OB appointments (I have been there twice) have discovered another infection, most likely brought on by the heavy antibiotics, and major hemorrhoids (sorry for tmi) to which even the doctor said, "Whoa!" when he saw them. I have been in MAJOR pain all week.

Tomorrow is a visit to Dr. Doom to reevaluate the babies and their fluid levels.

My confidence is gone.

I am weak and scared to death that something else will happen.