Things I Learned in 2011

Oh what a year this has been--a year of emotions and personal growth. I think this year has made me a more patient person, maybe even a better person. Maybe just a little? Whatever the case, I have learned a lot about myself and life in general.

• I learned how very different our lives would likely be had we not known prematurity. Watching a little person develop typically continues to highlight how very different our lives are from other families.
• I am learning that different is okay.
• I learned that always feeling like I am forced to take the hard route through what seems like every situation is not necessarily a bad thing. It is those tough times and situations which have made me the person I am today.
• I learned that I need to listen to my gut. It tends to be spot on, and when I don't listen, I suffer. Oh how I suffer.
• I learned that I am not as strong as I used to think I was. And still...
• I learned that I am so much stronger than I give myself credit.
• I learned that you can get more help with sugary sweetness; however, I can also be the world's biggest bitch at times, especially when it comes to making something happen for my kids. I am also probably the world's biggest sap if you have gone out of your way to help my family. 
• I learned that taking leaps of faith, whether that be through allowing someone to help, or going on an adventure by myself (BlogHer!), or just through trusting that things can and WILL work out, is a very good thing for me to do.
• I learned that I truly do enjoy all of the madness of parenting--yes, even the uncertainty--and that the little people I created are simply amazing!
• I learned that having three awesome kids doesn't stop the desire for wanting more...
• I learned that I am a worrier at heart. If there is nothing obvious to worry about, I will usually manage to find something anyway.
• I learned that worrying doesn't really help because 99% of what I worry about never happens.

To all of you who have continued to follow on my journey, thank you for all of your support, good wishes, and love. I need you to know that I have treasured each comment you've left. Your words have lifted me during some dark times. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

May 2012 be a year full of wonderful memories and happiness for us all.

**Thanks to Kristin and St. Elsewhere for giving me this idea. There I go borrowing again...

Where Did My Vacation Go? & Jack Is 9 Months Old!

So.

For those of you who are teachers, you know how vacations go. For those of you who are not, let me clue you in...

vacations are often not relaxing and restful for the teacher.

Nope. Instead, vacations tend to be jam packed full of stuff you had no time to do while school is in session.

In other words, shit like going to the dentist or the doctor (we've had 6 doctor/therapy visits for the boys this break), cleaning your house (um, didn't happen), finally catching up on laundry, or other such "entertainment" becomes priority because for these brief few days,

you!

have!

all!

this!

extra!

time!

Not.

Okay, fine. I suppose there is a lot of extra time in theory. In practice, not so much. Before you know it, it is the last Friday of vacation and all you've done is run around. Somehow you were always busy and yet there is still a ton to do.

Ugh.

I had three main goals for this break. 1) Get Ja.son potty trained, 2) Finally take the paci from Sh.awn. (Don't judge. That paci has been a godsend for my guy when he was so, so sick. Besides, we all have vices.), and 3) Clean the garage so the boys will have a place to practice with their walkers.

I didn't start the #1 until yesterday. My fingers are crossed that maybe he has finally decided that he is going to do this peeinginthestupidpottyandnotinhispantsbecausehe'stoolazytostopplayingandjustGO. He had two accidents yesterday. Only one today. I have hope that tomorrow will bring zero extra loads of laundry.

I started #2 today. I felt like the meanest person in the world while I watched Sh.awn search for his paci before bed. He was so sad! He finally managed to fall asleep (without the paci!) after two hours of staring at the ceiling. We shall see what tomorrow holds for the paci saga...

As for #3, I guess I need to get to this. Now that the walkers are to be ordered, it is important that we have a place for them to easy practice walking with them. Our house is too small for them both to get around with their walkers. (A good reason to move to a new home, I say. Is.aac doesn't see the logic in that. Sigh.) I plan on taking some time tomorrow and just get in there and start purging. I have to admit, though, that the will is weak. And I am somewhat pissy about Is.aac not wanting to help. I expect him to again be eating the bon bons while I do the work. :-/ (Bitter much? Me? Never.)

---

I just wanted to mention that big boy is 9 months old today. He weighs in at 22 pounds, 4 ounces, and is just shy of 32 inches long. Holy cow.

The boy's got 8 teeth and is working on his first molar (help us!). He is a true delight! I truly am a lucky girl to have three such amazing kids. :-)

Scattergories – New Year’s Edition

Tonight's game is from Creating Motherhood. :-)

SCATTERGORIES – it’s harder than it looks! Play here or let me know if you play on your blog. (note to those new to the game: these don’t have to be actual truths. If it helps- replace the word “you” in the questions & substitute it with “someone”.) Play on & use your imagination!

Use the first letter of the answer to the first question to come up with answers for the rest.
(and have fun – this is silliness!)

1 )What is was your theme song for 2011? The song that has played most often through my mind this year is "Give a Little Bit" by Supertramp (although the Goo Goo Dolls version will work). There is something about that song that makes me smile and lifts my mood. It makes me remember to give just a "little bit" more to the people around me--whether that is my kids, my husband, or other people in my life. It helped me take my thoughts away from myself and turn it toward the people around me.

2) Something you achieved in 2011 - Giving birth to a full term baby. This was a big one for me.

3) Something you failed in 2011 - Getting back my mojo (I'm getting there, though)

4) Something you tried for the first time in 2011 - Going zip lining!

5) Something you plan on doing in 2012 - Going to Disneyland! The boys have never been.

6) Something you plan on adding to your home in 2012 - Good times and lots of fun

7) Something you plan on letting go of in 2012 - Guilt (letting go of guilt is ALWAYS the plan)

8 ) Something you wish would happen in 2012 - Get pregnant with #4 (I have lost my mind and it likely won't happen because I can't bring myself to spend more money on IVF, but a girl can dream, right?)

9) Some place you wish you could travel to in 2012 - Galapagos Islands (It has to start with G and this would be a cool place to visit, although it is probably not at the top of the vacation list.)

10) Something you will say on New Years Day - "Get up! It's midnight!" We are notorious for missing it. Ahem.

Closer

Yesterday the boys were measured and fit for their new walkers. Finally. After another incredibly frustrating two month wait.* Ugh.

Anyway, Jason will get a shiny new blue walker with minimal support. There is talk about independent steps...not needing it long...nice increase in muscle strength. Such wonderful things to hear!

Shawn has a racing red walker coming his way. He's made such progress lately. He even climbed onto the couch by himself today before I got up. That hasn't ever happened without us supporting him (his right arm specifically). He's getting stronger. He is fiercely determined, too.

I am so proud I could burst.

First magic shoes...add in the walkers...look out world, my boys are going to take you by storm! :)

*We shall see now how long it takes for us to get them now that they are ordered.

Acceptance

"Acceptance is a person's agreement to experience a situation, to follow a process or condition (often a negative or uncomfortable situation) without attempting to change it, protest, or exit." (Wikipedia)

This.

Acceptance.

I need to learn it.

Embrace it.

It is against my nature, though.

I don't accept. I fight. I always have.

I learn about something until I can conquer it...

make it the way I want it to be.

Sigh.

But I can't conquer everything.

I suppose I shouldn't even be able to...

but damn I want to.

Most days I am better at faking it.

You know what they say, "Fake it 'till you make it." I try to, I really do.

On those days, I feel so close to accepting...

Still, something inevitably shakes me out of the game of pretend--reminds me that I am only playing make believe.

The facade may look the same; the frame is intact.

The foundation, though? It cracks a bit more each time.

Tiny, hairline cracks, probably barely noticeable to anyone else.

Only I know they're there, because with each new line, I feel weaker.

Less in control.

Less secure.

I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.

I want to BELIEVE that all will be okay - tonotquestioneveryfuckingthingsimplybecauseIdon'thavealltheanswers.

To TRUST in the process.

To learn to ACCEPT what I cannot change.

Christmas 2011

The children are all tuckered,
From their fun filled day,
Snuggled in bed,
To (hopefully) sleep the night away.

The parents are both sitting,
Remembering the sight,
Of the three little faces,
Aglow with delight.

They opened their presents,
They played with their toys,
They laughed and they giggled,
All filled with Christmas joys.*

From our family to yours,
We wish you peace, joy, and light,
Merry Christmas to all,  
and to all a good night!**

The dynamic duo in their Christmas pajamas.

Jack in his Christmas pajamas.

---

For those of you who wonder why the boys are always separated when I take pictures, behold this...

Jack just joined the party on the chair.

No one is happy. Cue madness.
Cue mommy picking Jack up and removing him from the chair.

Then I am left with a bunch of pictures that look like this.

'Nuff said, right? Sigh.

----

*Inspired by "Up on the House Top" by Benjamin Hanby (1864)
**Clement Clarke Moore - from "Twas the Night before Christmas" (1822)

A Gift for Grandma

On Monday we got the surprising news that my 89 year old grandma is coming to visit for Christmas.

My first thought on hearing this news was something along the lines of "Oh good. The boys will love to see her!"

My second thought was "Crap. What am I going to get her for Christmas?"

Now that she will be here on the big day, the usual handmade ornament the boys make for her just won't seem like much when she watches everyone around her open gifts. She said she didn't want anything, but come on. It just feels wrong.

She's hard to buy for actually. She likes sports, specifically the Phoenix Suns, gardening, feeding the wild birds that come to her yard, and reading. That's about it.

Family members have latched on to that interest and continue to flood her home with all kinds of team crap merchandise. Frankly, there is only so much purple and yellow gorillas a person can take.

Pictures are not really an option. There are a lot of kids, grand kids, and even great-great grand kids now. Every picture we send gets stuck up on the wall somewhere. No pictures are ever taken down, so...yeah. (I did make her a calendar, though. I figure she HAVE to get rid of it when the year is up. If she likes it I can just make another one for her next year.)

Gardening and the bird idea were quickly nixed too. She's getting old enough that she can't do a lot of gardening. Plus, now she's watched the birds long enough to know a freakish amount of information on every kind that might possibly fly through her line of vision.

That, my friends, leaves reading. Easy peasy, right?

You are wrong.

My grandmother only reads romance novels. She will not read anything else. Ever. If she starts a book and thinks that it isn't from the genre, she puts it down.

Let me just say, that it is challenging finding romance novels for your grandmother. All the books at the bookstore looked like this:




I could not bring myself to buy her a book called Ecstasy Untamed. People. It's a "Feral Warriors Novel" even. (shudder) Could. Not. Do. It.

Nor could I buy her something like this:

Um, Nauti Intentions? For my grandmother? She may have naughty intentions, but it weirds me out thinking about what they may be.

Let it be known that I could buy these books if they were for my mother or friend. Then I would have had a field day with the double entendre of the titles and the hunks on the cover.

When you take out books with titles like those, the vampire porn romance stories, and the books with characters with stupid names, you're left with slim pickings. I also had the prerequisite that it had to be long* because if I was going to be spending my money for one of these books, she needed to have something to read for longer than two seconds.

I needed something safe. Because apparently I am a prude. (Sigh) I ended up with these bad boys or, um houses.

See? Not a naked body to be found!

Think she'll wonder what is up with this nonsense?

Probably. Lol.

Right now it doesn't matter. I got her some books. She'll be able to read. But most importantly, I won't want to hide every time I see her reading!

*Is.aac was quick to inform me that longer doesn't always mean better. Or so he's heard. I just about fell to the floor with laughter!

Friday Night Leftovers

• I've had numerous dreams the last few nights. Horrible, frightening dreams of being buried in sand of all things.
• Nightly, I've been putting myself into some situation that ultimately leads to me falling into a hole. How that happens varies. What is repeated, however, is my struggle to free myself; my clawing and pulling, digging and panicking, only to have more sand fill in the empty space I had just created.
• Just as I come to the realization that I am about to suffocate, I wake up. Fun times.

---

• Is.aac and I had a major argument the other day. It was an ugly one, with tears and lots of anger. It left me spent and sad and now I can't seem to shake the feeling.
• My heart hurts.
• Sigh.

---

• I am officially on winter break. (How telling is it that I first put "winer" [as in whiner] break? Hm. Am I the whiner or are the kids at work the whiners? Probably both.)
• I am in desperate need of some R and R time.
• I left my travel mug at school, though. How horrible would it be to just leave it there until I go back to work in January?
• Doesn't sound too bad, right?
• Would you still say that if you knew it was filled with Carnation Instant Breakfast this morning?
• Yep. Guess I make a trip back to work tomorrow. I can't even imagine the funk that would await me if I just ignore it.

---

• The big boys got their orthotics magic shoes this week.
• There has been a 50% approval rating of the new magic shoes. Well, actually there is a 100% approval rating from Ja.son and a 0% approval rating from Sh.awn. It feels more successful if I say 50%.
• Ja.son was crazy excited to get his new magic shoes "Now I'll be able to start walking!" and new "spiffy" tennis shoes. Yes, he calls his shoes "spiffy." The bad part is that the magic shoes increased his shoe size by 2. He is struggling to maneuver the big huge feet he suddenly has.
• Hoping that comes sooner rather than later.
• Sh.awn is walking very well with his new magic shoes. While he is standing up, they are great. Unfortunately, he has trouble sitting in them. He normally sits in the...gasp...dreaded W sit. His new shoes keep him from turning his legs the way he normally does, and he's too stiff (tendons) to just change his normal position.
• Of course it was Is.aac's day to take them to therapy today, so I didn't get a solution for what to do about the problem. I can't see making him less independent in this major area by making him wear the magic shoes all day long for those moments when he walks.
• To me that is just not acceptable.
• Remember the fight I mentioned above? Yeah. We differ on this thought.
• And I am not backing down. If they can't help Sh.awn find a solution (whether that is stretching him or whatever) then he won't be wearing this style of orthotics. Does that sound bitchy? No wonder we're fighting about it.

---

• Good grief. A little over a week is left until Christmas.
• I am NOT prepared!
• Yikes!
• Thank goodness for vacation or I'd never finish.
• Speaking of Christmas, I'm doing the "12 Days of Christmas" on the boys' blog. :)

Stop by Danifred's for more leftovers.

Christmas Meme - 20(ish) Questions Style

I am stealing this from Danifred, who in turn stole it from Rebecca. Really, I'd like to think of this as sharing instead of stealing... :-)

1. Wrapping paper or gift bags? For the ease of things, I like gift bags, especially if I am taking gifts to friends. I use wrapping paper for gifts to my mom, though. I try very hard to get the fancy ribbon and make her gifts as pretty as possible. She always goes above and beyond for everyone else, so I take this chance to do something extra special for her.

2. Real tree or Artificial? Artificial. Guess who sneezes at the real thing. Go me.

3. When do you put up the tree? I am always late on the tree, not putting it up often until the weekend before Christmas. This year I decided to do it early (or why bother?) so it went up the weekend after Thanksgiving. I have yet to finish putting the ornaments on, though. I think it has about 11 balls on it. Ja.son thinks it is beautiful, lol. I may just leave it this way for him. :-)

4. When do you take the tree down? After New Years--the day before I go back to work after winter break.

5. Do you like eggnog? I don't think so. I haven't tried it. I did make an eggnog pie (the family raves about it) but didn't care for that at all. I didn't eat more than a bite.

6. Favorite gift received as a child? Barbie Dream Motor Home. I loved that stupid thing. Oh, I also got an Easy Bake Oven from Santa that I LOVED.

7. Do you have a nativity scene? I do not. Is that horrible?

8. Hardest person to buy for? Is.aac. He never likes what I give him, even when I think I am getting him the exact thing that he said he wanted. Sigh.

9. Easiest person to buy for? My mom.

10. Mail or email Christmas cards? I mail Christmas cards, but not until right before Christmas.

11. Worst Christmas gift you ever received? I've told you all about it before. I got a pager. From my boyfriend (Is.aac) in a box that was the same size as a ring box. I'm sure you can figure out why it wasn't my favorite gift.

12. Favorite Christmas Movie? A Christmas Story, hands down. Elf is the definite runner up. (this is the same as Danifred!) I love having A Christmas Story on all day on Christmas day. :-) I also like Love Actually.

13. When do you start shopping for Christmas? Late. I am a procrastinator. Not my best quality.

14. Ever recycled a Christmas present? Yes, mostly gift cards.

15. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas? Christmas cookies...mmmmmm.

16. Clear lights or colored on the tree? White lights outside. Colored lights on the tree.

17. Favorite Christmas song? All I Want for Christmas Is You

18. Travel at Christmas or stay home? We stay home. It helps that my mom lives 5 minutes away.

19. Can you name all of Santa's reindeer? I think. Maybe. I don't know.

20. Angel on the tree top or a star? Neither. No room. Tall tree + low ceiling = no topper

21. Open the presents Christmas Eve or morning? One present on Christmas Eve, the rest on Christmas morning

22. Most annoying thing about this time of year? I will admit to getting sick of Christmas music. Ugh.

23. Favorite ornament, theme, or color? I like it all! If it means something, it's on the tree.

24. What do you want for Christmas this year? Um...I want my boys to have a great holiday. This is really the first Christmas that they really get what is going on. It is so much fun to watch them enjoy everything so far. I hope the actual day is even better!

Yet Another Thing I Said I'd Never Do...

Oh how things change when you have children. There was so much I would say "I'd never" about before I had them, but now I find myself eating my words left and right.

Today was another one of those moments. I got myself up at 5 am, and if you knew me you'd know just how out of character that is, and went to a store for a toy. Well, actually I went to the store for two toys--the coveted LeapPad.

Did you know these suckers are sold out everywhere unless you want to pay twice (or more!) the recommended purchase price? Yeah. Apparently I decided to buy my kids one of the top toys of the year. I'm forward thinking like that, I guess.

Anyway, I got a mysterious email from TRU last night saying that they'd have limited quantities in their stores tomorrow at 6 am. I figured it was worth a shot, so I went. Of course there was a line, not sure why I didn't anticipate that, for the 32 LeapPads available. I hung my head, and joined the rest of the nuts waiting for a ticket to the prize.

But you could only buy one.

Clearly the poor guy sent outside to field all us desperate parents didn't understand that taking only one today would not be acceptable. He was clueless as to what it was like to have two kids who would fight like there was no tomorrow over only one...

The people in line started to plot and plan. Somehow, and I am really not sure how it happened, they managed to get their hands on enough tickets so that those of us who needed two got two tickets! It was beautiful.

I was in line with my tickets when the cranky manager tried to derail things. A woman ahead of me presented her two tickets only to have the manager proclaim she could only buy ONE LeapPad a day. He made quite the stink over it. She solved her problem by calling her husband over and having him buy one. (Which...sigh. I still don't get what the big deal was. It wasn't like she was going to buy 10 and put them on ebay. Besides, even if she did, what did he care?)

I panicked. I went up to the cashier and gave her only one ticket. Defeated, I walked out and sat in the car.

In front of the store, the poor ticket guy was still there with two more tickets to hand out.

There was no mad rush with people turned away sans what they wanted.

Everyone who wanted one could get one. And I wanted TWO, damn it! Back in the store I marched...

I waited for cranky manager to get called away and then went up to the cashier with my second ticket.

She looked at me.

I looked at her. It was obvious she knew I had just been in line. She had helped me even.

Sensing that I needed this stupid LeapPad, or maybe because she saw the crazed look on my face--I suppose possibly she could have just not cared, she took the ticket, rang me up, and sent me on my way.

I'm so relieved!

Now I just hope they like them. Cuz, you know, it would suck if I went through so much for them to not. lol.

Is He More Girl Than I Am?

Let me just start by saying that I really do try to not stereotype based on gender. My boys have dolls, say pink is their favorite color, and even carry around my purse. Yes, they have cars and other traditional "boy" things to play with, but I make sure that they have the traditional "girly" things to play with as well. They're kids...they get to play with all kinds of toys.

Sigh.

So, I am struggling with this realization that hit me when I was out, by myself, putting up the Christmas lights on the house.

By myself.

While my husband stayed inside and...held Jack or something. Maybe he was eating bon bons while he was at it. He probably was.

My husband may be more girl than I am.

More importantly, I may be more boy than him.

Yeah, yeah. He's got a penis and I don't. He's male. I'm not. I get all that.

I'm talking about the fact that he acts more like a girl in this relationship than I do. I mean, DUDE. The more I thought about it, the more sense it made to my somewhat annoyed frame of mind.

While I was outside, by myself, putting up the Christmas lights because he didn't want to get dirty.

Who does the home improvement? Me.

Who does the cooking for dinner? Him.

Who pays the bills? Me.

Who does the grocery shopping? Him.

I can go on and on...

And trust me that I did, while I was on that ladder, in the cold, by my damn self putting up the Christmas lights on the house.

I'm not sure I like this turn of events. I think I need to regain some "womanhood" and throw all of this "man" shit back at him.

Because hell if I am going to be taking down those stupid lights a few weeks from now, that's for sure.

(But the house does look pretty. :-) )

Friday Night Leftovers

• I took 148 eighth graders on a field trip to the Mu.se.um of To.ler.ance today. Holy hell it wore me out.
• I had to tell myself over and over for the entire ride down there that it was going to be a great experience for the kids. I was sort of hating myself for getting involved in another field trip.
• (I am also trying very hard to forget that I have another field trip scheduled for next month. Sigh.)
• We managed to bring everyone back to the school, so I'm calling the trip a success.
• Who cares that we got back an hour and a half late because of obscene amounts of traffic on the freeway?
• I care...those kids were wound up on sugar and caffeine after our very late lunch. It made for a very, very long ride home.
• Did I mention that I am worn out?
• Tomorrow I get to go spend the afternoon with my two sister-friends. I am wildly excited to be going out sans children.
• For the afternoon.
• BY MYSELF.
• I am giddy just thinking about it. :-)
• The crazy pregnant SIL asked us over to their house next weekend for dinner. I can't think of any way to get out of it without being a total bitch. I'm even tempted to hang out near some very sick person so I will have a reason not to go.
• On a happier note, I snagged $50 worth of Amazon gift cards from Swagbucks! Whoot! I think I've earned about $400 worth of gift cards since I started using it. Not too shabby, if I do say so myself. :-)

Stop by Danifred's for more leftovers.

Blows. My. Mind,

It's going so fast. I just want to slow it down and savor every moment...

Random Pictures from Tonight

This week is shaping up to be a long, hard one. I'm choosing to leave all the crap at work and focus on the three little people in my life...

Ja.son's "towing" the ornament with his motorcycle to the Christmas tree.
Isn't that how all ornaments make it to the tree?
Just walking it over is SOOOO last year...

Apparently we don't feed this boy enough.
He's now taken to eating toys.

This boy just got kissed by his mommy.
He's telling me that my kisses are yucky.
And he's totally laughing about it. :)

They remind me that even when things are tough, my life is very, very good. I am so very lucky.

Friday Night Leftovers

• People, it is only Friday! I am so excited that there are two more days to the weekend!

--- That was all I finished yesterday before I crashed. Sigh.

• The Sick continues to hang around. The boys are mostly over it now; they just have lingering coughs. I am still on the runny side and coughing. Bleh.
• My in-laws want to come visit tomorrow. I am torn about whether I want them to or not. I'd like to put up our Christmas tree. And...well...they are Jehovah Witnesses.
• After all this time, I still struggle with how to deal with our family's traditions versus their beliefs.
• For some reason, because it is Is.aac's family involved, I feel like I have to make nice and keep them happy. Ugh.
• I think if it were my family who were the witnesses, I'd just do our thing and let them deal with it. It wouldn't even be an issue for me.
• Is.aac is no help in the matter either. He just doesn't get that there should be a problem. His feeling is that if they don't like it, they just won't visit.
• That idea sort of pains me. I'd feel like I am the reason he never sees his family. If I make nice and am accommodating, then it is their (both his and his family's) fault that they never see each other.
• You know, because it is SO hard to connect with people regularly when they live a WHOLE 5 minutes away.
• Ahem.
• Thanksgiving was nice and quiet. We had our turkey. The boys had their hot dogs. Ja.son wouldn't try anything on the table. Sh.awn had quite a bit, but still wanted a hot dog at the end. Whatever. Makes more food for me.
• I did not brave the black Friday sales. I did a little online searching for things but didn't buy. I am in denial that I will actually have to purchase things. I just don't have the energy this year.

Hope you all had a wonderful holiday/weekend.

Stop by Danifred's for more leftovers.

This and That

I am in love with this picture of Jack. OMG does it make me laugh! I had to print it and take it to work so I can keep giggling at it.

---

I have succumbed to the Sick. If I could only detach my head nose from my body for the next 24 hours, I would be so happy. I considered wishing I could just turn my nose so my nostrils face up, but I figure I'd just drown in my own snot, and well, that's just plain gross. Plus "drowning in own snot" would be super embarrassing on my death certificate.

---

Sh.awn has found his will. Unfortunately for me, he is just as stubborn as I am, only he has a much louder and sharper voice. It is an effective weapon, that voice, I tell you that. He is armed and he isn't afraid to use it.

He is the sweetest little love bug as long as everything goes his way most of the time.

But holy hell does he turn into a demon the second he perceives that things are not going his way and out comes the scream (the scream that takes aim straight for the center of my brain and stabs me repeatedly).

Ugh. I am at my wit's end with him.

I am trying to be consistent (taking him to another room and walk away) and not let him see how much it drives me crazy (oh.my.gawd. does it drive me crazy to hear that scream!), but it doesn't stop.

This boy seriously needs an "off" switch.

---

The best news of the week is that they settled the case! There will be no retrial. It saddens me to think that he'll be my age when he is finally released from prison, though. While I do feel that the sentence is fair, and I do believe that he should be punished for what he did, I worry that he won't get the help he needs to deal with whatever is going on in that head of his. I worry about what kind of life he will have when he is released.

There was so much promise there...for both of them.

Promise that vanished with a horrible act.

Sigh. I hope that the healing will continue now that the threat of testifying has been removed from the equation.

(Not trying to be cryptic, but as usual I don't want the details linked to here. If you are curious, email me and I'll send you a link to a news article.)

Friday Night Leftovers

• All the little people around here are still sick. I think that Ja.son has turned the corner for the most part, although he has started a yucky cough. Sh.awn still has the congested voice, but he isn't running anymore and thankfully hasn't started a cough. Poor Ja.ck has it all. He got it last, so he is still in the thick of things.
• I heart baby Vick's vapor rub. It has saved poor Ja.ck.
• Sh.awn sounds so cute with his sick voice. It kind of cracks when he talks, too. I think it is a preview of the pubescent voice to come during his teenage years. :-)
• Is.aac and I have still managed to dodge whatever this crap is. Dare I hope we manage to avoid it all together?
• Speaking of Sh.awn and his voice, he has made some major strides this past week with his speech. He is talking up a storm and what he is talking about has just jumped in sophistication significantly. I am wildly excited about it.
• The knock, knock joke is all the rage around my house.
• On Monday we finally took the boys to go have their casting for their braces. It was not a pleasant experience for any of us. We should get them in 2-3 weeks. I can't wait.
• I had debated about whether or not to take them to that appointment on Monday because they were both clearly sick (no fevers or vomiting at that point, but there was no mistaking they were sick). To reschedule would have pushed the appointment to the middle of December, I am just plain tired of having to fight to do the things we have to do, and the consensus was that the people I asked would go, so I took them. And I felt guilty as they coughed and snotted up the place.
• Am I the only one who worries about spreading germs to some poor unsuspecting family? I know that worry is from the boys' early days. It would make me so angry to have sick kids anywhere near my preemie boys.
• Yesterday I was blown away by the number of people in our life who wore purple to honor my guys on World Prematurity Day. I counted 10 coworkers and many family members sporting the color. It brought tears to my eyes to see them.
• Going through my pictures for yesterday's post was pretty intense, too. Wow. All of those emotions came flooding back.

World Prematurity Day - November 17

(Cross posted on the boys' blog)

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Today we are purple.

Purple to honor all of the millions of babies worldwide who were born too soon.

Purple to honor the fight of those babies and their families for survival.

Purple to honor those babies who can fight no more.

Today we are purple to honor those we love who have been touched by prematurity.

Today I was purple to honor our super boys, Sh.awn and Ja.son.

I will forever be amazed by the strength and determination our two boys showed in the early days of their lives. They endured more in those months than many people ever experience in their entire lives. It seemed like every complication possible was thrown their way, but together they conquered the NICU.

They captured the hearts of everyone who worked with them. (I think they still do. :) )

Our guys survived and thrive.

We are the lucky ones.

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Born at 28 weeks and 3 days, our guys were not even 3 pounds and about as long as a Barbie doll.

Shortly after the boys were born. This is Is.aac's ring.
It would have easily slid all the way up to their armpits.

Is.aac's ring on a foot.



A little hand barely able to hold daddy's thumb.



A small round band aid to protect a delicate knee
(their knees were so delicate that the skin would
get raw when they'd lay on their bellies)

Our guys were tiny but mighty.

Sh.awn, baby A:

The first time I was able to see Sh.awn.
I didn't even get to see him in the delivery room.

Sh.awn - not even a week old.

Holding Sh.awn for the first time. I am so grateful to
our respiratory therapist who made this happen.

Sh.awn in his first clothes.
They were preemie size and still swam on him for weeks.

Mommy and daddy with Sh.awn.

Sh.awn in December 2007

Ja.son, baby B:

Meeting Ja.son for the first time. I was given a brief glimpse
of Ja.son in the operating room, but they held him up for me for literally a second.



Mommy and daddy with Ja.son



Ja.son under the Billi lights for jaundice.

 

Holding Ja.son for the first time.
He was on a ventilator to help him breathe.

Daddy with Ja.son

Ja.son in December 2007

Our first picture as a family of 4 (and the first time I'd held both boys together).
December 2007

 ---

They had a rough start, but our super boys are strong, smart, determined, and funny.

We are the lucky ones. I hold that knowledge in my heart. Our boys are here with us.

Please consider visiting the March of Dimes website for more information or even donate to this worthy cause. Their research helped save our boys.

Thankful

Today the snot has been flowing and all three boys have been miserable. It is now pretty evident that what Sh.awn experienced was either a freakish shunt occlusion (coincidentally timed to arrive just as germageddon has hit our house again--not too likely) or some sort of fast acting nasty virus picked up from some unknown source.

Thank goodness for viruses. I know it seems strange to be happy my kids are so sick, but if given the alternative, I am delirious with joy right now, finally able to really exhale.

Dare I say, I may even have relaxed some.

I know!

Me. The person who is constantly in alert mode. Relaxed.

Relieved.

That is not to say that things around here have been easy. Far from it. I think I had about ten minutes total in which I didn't have a kid on me or touching me is some way or another this weekend. I haven't even brushed my hair since Friday. I've had very little sleep since Wednesday night. There is something...I'm not sure I want to know what...caked onto my sweat pants. Jack spit up on my shoulder (and bit my finger! WTF?). Ja.son is whining from his bedroom as I type this. (He's a moaner and groaner. The WORLD must know how he feels at EVERY moment of the day. lol) There is a pile of Sh.awn's used Kleenexes on the side table waiting to finally make it to the trash.

And still I am happy.

I feel like doom has been averted.

They are sick, but they are whole.

I am so very, very thankful.

Friday Night Leftovers - What a Week Edition

• Man. This has been one of those weeks. I am so thankful for the weekend. Now if I can just keep anything else from happening...
• Sigh.
• Today, we took the boys to their biannual neurology appointment. And, true to form, I was dreading it. I hate, hate, hate these stupid appointments.
• I literally have to give myself a pep talk every time. "Whatever he says won't change a thing."  and "What's the worst he can say? The boys have CP? Humph. He already did that." and "He won't tell us anything we don't already know. How could he if he only sees them every 6 months. We know them best. We know things are going well." You know, upbeat things like that.
• Hey. Whatever gets me through these appointments are okay in my book. (although I can do without my intestinal issues afterward, thank you very much)
• It actually was okay once we were there. He continues to be amazed by my super boys.
• He gave us some info we hadn't yet heard. Told us some things to watch out for. Even said that we are the ones who know them best and he'll take his lead from us.
• The minute we got in the car afterward, Ja.son started saying that his throat hurt. He refused to eat. Didn't want to drink.
• He expectantly, and violently I might add, started throwing up this evening. It was just like what happened to Sh.awn. But I have to say that if this had happened to Ja.son first, I would have really lost it. I have never seen him this ill. It was scary and I knew this time that it had to be some virus or something.
• Three hours later, he was eating. WTF? I suppose if you are going to get some sort of bug, a fast moving one is the way to go.
• I hope that tomorrow he wakes up and is just as perky as Sh.awn was the day after his episode.
• Jack, however, isn't eating very well today. I am pretty worried that he will be next. Ugh.
• This does not bode well for me. It is only a matter of time before I succumb to whatever this shit is. I always get whatever they get, so I feel somewhat like my fate has been sealed.

---

I had some questions about the blog's new look.

April from A Mommy's Blog Design Studio designed it. (She also did the boys' blog.) It makes me really happy to see this space now. I have to give her all the credit for its look, as I only gave her a vague description of what I wanted. Me? Indecisive? Never!

Her prices were really reasonable, some of the best I found. She even offers a discount for posting about your upcoming blog design. April was easy to work with and  put up with my craziness. (I just had to have glasses on the big boys is one example. lol) Plus she's fast.

If you're thinking about a makeover, go check her out! :-) Then tell me, so I can check out your new space!

(FYI - she has no idea I am writing this and I won't get anything for what I said. I just think she did an awesome job.)

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Stop by Danifred's for more leftovers.

Yesterday

The meeting at work was pretty intense. I think we collectively cried through the entire two hours. 40 people were there, each with his/her own version to the story, and each story validated the feelings I've had since it happened. I feel fortunate that we finally talked as a group.

Just as the meeting was ending, my mom called. Sh.awn was violently throwing up. No one around us is sick. He was acting normal until it started out of the blue. She was worried.

I hurried to go see for myself. His eyes were doing their weird thing. He was super lethargic. Could not/would not open his eyes.

There was more throwing up...I was in a panic. He had all the signs he shows for shunt failure.

Is.aac was at the opthamologist with Ja.son. The car I had (Is.aac's) has no car seats. Is.aac had chosen this day to forget his phone at home. Ugh. I ended up calling the office and asking to speak to him.

Told him to hurry home, that this was bad.

He continued to throw up. He was thirsty but whatever he sipped came immediately up also. Is.aac finally got there and agreed that we needed to take him to the ER. We debated briefly about which one to take him to--the local ER which would mean an ambulance ride if it was his head, or just pass go and take him straight to Children's. We opted for Children's.

Tell admissions that you think your kid is having a shunt malfunction makes things happen very fast. Within 10 minutes, they had assessed us, put us in a room, we'd talked to a doctor, and were given Zofran for the nausea. By 20 minutes, the neurosurgeon had returned and been in to see us. By 30 minutes, we had taken a CT scan.

I knew from watching the scan images (Is.aac was with him while he was scanned) that there was no much difference from the last scan he'd had. Yes. I know what my kid's brain looks like. I could draw you a picture, that's how well I know it. I won't, though.

That made me feel better. Then Sh.awn started to perk up and regain some sense of life. More relief.

We waited for about an hour before the resident neurosurgeon came back to see us. He confirmed what I thought; the scan did look very similar to the last scan he'd had. He said there might be a tiny area that was different, but it only showed on one section. Sh.awn looked markedly better than he did when we came. If it was a failure, he wouldn't recover, he'd just progressively get worse. There was talk of wanting to tap his shunt, which we wanted only as a last resort, and that they'd likely discharge us.

Cool. I gave Sh.awn to fruit snacks. He kept them down and wanted more.

The resident went to call the attending, who happened to be none other than the asshole.

Asshole wanted to admit Sh.awn for observation.

Ugh. We said no. The asshole was just being an asshole. The resident went to call asshole back and tell him what we said. Asshole tried to make us feel his godliness by saying that his shunt could completely fail two hours from now.

I countered with yes, the shunt could also fail two hours after you released us tomorrow.

He came back with nonsense about his recommendations had only not been followed twice in the last five years.

Interesting. We've checked out AMA twice now. Sigh. We are quite the rebels. :-/

Today Sh.awn is acting more normal. No throwing up. Eating fine. Not irritable. Normal.

I have no idea what happened yesterday. He scared me enough to take him to the hospital. That just doesn't happen. Then he just perks up like nothing happened. Freak me the fuck out why don't you boy.

I am beat mentally.

I am beat physically.

My PTSD is working on overdrive. I already associate the boys' NICU stuff with the shooting, and now it happened again.

Ugh. Thank goodness for a long weekend.

Forgive me for not editing. Jack is ticked and needs me to pay attention to him.

Just Want to Get It Over With Already

Tomorrow is the "debriefing".

Part of me is looking forward to the chance to talk and listen--to connect with others who really get it. I'd be lying, though, if I didn't say that there is a HUGE part of me that would just love to run away and hide under a blanket.

Picking the scab off on purpose just doesn't feel like a good move right now, especially when I am not sure how long I'll/we'll be raw afterward. That tactic is totally against my avoidance of all things that will likely be emotionally difficult campaign.

Sigh.

I'm ready to put this shit behind me.

Last word was the retrial starts on the 21st. Oh, joy.

Where's Is.aac?

So what do you think? I have some tinkering to do, and there are a few other things to finish up, but I love the new look. I hope you do, too. :-)

Thank you so much, April!

The images that represent the boys crack me up--the big boys as Super Boys...flying around in those glasses, the baby with his Super Strength--they make me smile. They remind me how incredibly amazing my guys are. To me, they are Super Boys. All of them.

I had to laugh, though. It seems that someone wondered what happened to Is.aac. And you're right, he isn't represented in the header.

Yes, he is a huge part of my life. Yes, he is part of the team around this place.

It's okay. I actually talked to him about it. His thought was that it was my blog--my place to vent and get it all out. I offered to add him if it upset him. He didn't think I needed to do that.

"Stac, you can't juggle me. I'm too big."

Um...that's right. He is too big for me to juggle. Lol.

Besides, unlike with the family blog, he has very little to do with this space.

Let's face it. He has only ever read a handful of posts when I've asked him to do so. He is pretty much hands off when it comes to my personal blog.

So there you go.

P.S. I am sorry that you may need to update your readers. I'm not sure if it will automatically update there with the new URL.

Leftovers - Late As Usual (It's My New MO)

• This place is going to get a new look on Monday. I am super excited about it. I don't know how the designer did it. She managed to capture my ideas, which were pretty vague, and create something I really like. It's going to feel much happier for me.
• Do you do that? Do you get feelings or moods off of inanimate things? When we bought the house we are in right now, it was a grey/blue color. It always made me so sad to drive up to it. I hated the way it looked. After about a year, we had the outside revamped. Now it is a cheery yellow. It's so much...happier when I look at it now.
• I'm also going to get a new URL while I am at it. I think it is time. This space never really felt like home to me; it's been more like a transition space. I'll be moving to stacieslife.com.
• Thanks for your thoughts on which Creme de la Creme post. I think I was leaning toward that one anyway. You agreeing with me helps to make me feel a bit more confident about that choice.
• On the one hand, I am happy to no longer have to wake up in the dark. Also, the extra hour of sleep is nice.
• It sucks, though, that it will get dark so freaking early. Sigh. I think I already miss Daylight Savings.
• The crazy SIL with the daughter who chokes my boys is pregnant again. I am struggling with it. She just announced on FB. Sigh.
• I told Is.aac that I am going to have a shit fit if they throw them a shower. I will not go. This SIL visited us in the hospital after Jack was born. That was it. We didn't get anything from them--not even a card acknowledging his arrival. (I was recently given some nonsense about how I didn't need a shower because Jack was a boy and we already had boys. That pisses me off even more. It isn't the "stuff". Just acknowledgment that he's important to the family is what I wanted.)
• I think that Ja.son has decided he needs to be potty trained. Thank. Goodness. Finally. I had given up.
• Sh.awn is now the master of the tantrum. Oh man does this boy throw a fit. There doesn't seem to be a rhyme or reason for them either. Look at him wrong? Fit. Ask him to do something he doesn't want to do? Fit. Ugh. There have been a few times that it was almost all I could do not to wring his little neck! (he has one of those piercing screams, too. ugh) Tell me this stage is short lived.
• In case you are wondering, the girl I wrote about it the last post is getting all kinds of services to help her. Will it be enough? I hope so, but probably not. Do I worry about her baby? Her? Absolutely. It all makes me very sad.

Head over to Danifred's for more Leftovers.

No Fun

You know what is absolutely no fun at all?

Talking to an 8th grader about how to get her 8 month old baby girl to sleep through the night.

Listening to her cry while she tells me the baby wakes up 6 times a night and although her mom said she'd help, she has now decided that my student "made her own bed and now needs to sleep in it."

Nope. No fun at all.

For the record, she was in 6th grade when she got pregnant. Sigh.

Which Do You Think?

I think this year I am going to submit one of my posts to the Creme de la Creme. I can't decide which one to send. Could you give me your thoughts, please?

Oh, and whichever one I send, I will go back and make some edits. I tend to write and hit publish without a whole lot of editing originally, and well, I know that strategy doesn't always for a well written post make. kwim?

I Never Knew
Three Years
Before I Had Kids

Little Heroes

Earlier this year I applied for The Littlest Heroes Project. In a nutshell, it is a non-profit organization which connects photographers to families with children suffering from life altering conditions. The organization understands that photo shoots may not always be the easiest thing to undertake when you're juggling health, therapy, and quite possibly financial issues.

The big boys had no problem meeting the qualifications for the program. Sigh. We were approved in April. I got the information needed to contact the photographer in the beginning of July.

But then I couldn't go any further with it. I just couldn't bring myself to actually send a letter to a photographer.

When I applied for the project, I was unsure if this was something we should pursue. We have some pretty amazing boys who are doing some pretty amazing things. Sure, things can be challenging and there is a lot left to work on when it comes to the boys, but it felt like to do this would be taking advantage of something that others may need more than us.

And then there was my fear of officially labeling the boys. Oh how I hate labeling. Yes, it is clear that there is something going on when you meet them. But I have not officially told many people that there is a CP diagnosis for them. (I work under the you didn't ask, so I didn't tell idea. I was open with the few who directly asked.)

I have also always struggled with how much of their information is mine to tell.

It isn't so much that I care about what people will think, either. A label is just that. It doesn't change anything.

I think my worry is that there are so many misconceptions about CP that people will underestimate their abilities and awesomeness. (I will admit that you'd have to be pretty stupid to not see their awesomeness when you meet them, but there are stupid people out there.) And frankly it's just annoying that I always end up educating everyone about everything. (Hello. I already had to explain IF and incompetent cervix and prematurity. Adding CP to the list right now seem so overwhelming. Besides, I hate that I am already being told that people ask me before going to google about medical shit. I am not their walking medical journal.)

I am very aware of the situations to which I expose the boys--if I don't trust a person's behavior/what he/she will say, he/she doesn't come near the boys. Plain and simple. And well, would this photographer and this site be too much? Would they take advantage somehow?

Sigh. So I sat on the photographer's information while I wrestled with my head. For four months actually.

This week, though, I finally wrote the letter and made contact.

The photographer wrote back the next day saying she'd love to photograph our family. She had checked out their blog and said how awesome they were. (She seems smart so far! lol) She is, of course, booked until January. (She did offer us a date Nov. 7, but the thought of doing the shoot that early freaked the shit out of me so I declined.)

We've booked a date.

 I waffle back and forth between excitement and panic when I think about the idea. That pretty much tells me that this is probably a good idea.

After all, my little heroes deserve to be celebrated, too.

I suppose it's time to start telling some of their story.

And Then They Were 4...

(cross posted from the boys' blog)



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You know they've had a good day when you hear things like:

Did you like your cupcakes?

"Yes, but I can't have anymore cake."

But you can have some tomorrow.

"No!" (dramatically turns head away) "I can't because I'm toooooo full."

---

"I gotta go find me some presents." (They only got three small gifts from mommy and daddy today.)

---

‎"Mommy...I had the most wonderfulest birthday."
"Me too!"
And with that, they both rolled over and went to sleep. :-)


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Shawn figures he should just pinch the flame rather than blow it out...
He did try, though. Lol.

Now Jason blew until he nearly passed out!

The best part of the whole thing. Mmmm...cupcakes!

Num, num, num...

Jack thought he'd take a bite, too!
Mommy was mean and pulled it away at the last minute. :-(

More presents!

Off with the ribbon...

Is it a hat?

Yeah a present!

Present unwrapping is serious business, y'all.

What is it?

Um...I don't know. What is it, mommy?

Oh, wow! It's a game! (Tangrams)

Shawn, you're too slow. Let me help you!

Hey, I got a game, too!

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They really did have a fantastic day. It was so fun to watch their faces light up when we'd add in another surprise. I think this day will be one they talk about for a long time!

And that makes my heart super happy. :-)