10 Months

I can't believe he'll be 1 in a few short weeks. He isn't exactly a baby anymore. I am still trying to figure out how to slow down time. It really is just speeding by this time around...

Backyard Fun

All of the stars aligned and we were finally able to play outside today. The boys were so excited!

Sh.awn throwing some sticks in his tunnel.

Ja.son and his stick garden.

Jack isn't exactly sure about grass.

Sh.awn cheesing it up!

Ja.son is reluctantly letting me take his picture here.
(I had to resort to bribery.)

He's just so...BIG now. (sniff, sniff)

Woody

While we were transitioning Sh.awn away from the wonderful nap time soother* paci, he took to two little figures of Buzz Lightyear and Woody. He now has two sets of these figures, one at our house and one at my mom's. Somehow both sets ended up at our house.

After a brief yet loud exchange with Sh.awn over which toys he wanted (see? jinxed myself), I told Is.aac what had happened.

Me: Sh.awn doesn't want two Woodys, he only wants one Woody.

Is.aac with a gesture down his body: Smart boy. That's all most of us can handle.

Ba dum dum.

---

*If there is one thing that makes me regret this decision to wean the boy off of his beloved paci, it is that he no longer naps. At all. Let me just say that this is not a good thing. The boy needs to nap. Oh man, does he need to nap. Sigh.

Friday Night Leftovers

• It seems that someone opened a can of The Crazy at work and it's infecting everyone. Adults... kids...no one's been spared. Good grief has it been a week.
• You know, the kids with the most interesting personalities are NEVER absent. EVER. I think it must be an unwritten parental law or something.
• FYI - When a teacher tells you that you'll get a student of his and said teacher offers to take one of your most frustrating students as a "trade," it is a bad, bad, bad sign of what's to come.
• FYI #2 - Don't try to be all "Whatever, I can handle it." and keep both kids because you don't want to look like you can't in fact "handle it." You will KICK yourself.

• Jack has decided to start using his teeth and is biting. Me. Only me. I'm lucky like that.
• Dude, he bites hard, too.
• I use my sternest "No!" (which makes the big boys jump) and it doesn't even phase the little one.
• I am in trouble with him.

• I am afraid to write it and jinx it, but I may be seeing the light at the end of the tunnel with Sh.awn's screaming. O.M.G. was it driving me insane. I couldn't decide if maybe there was a sensory issue happening with him or if it was an inability to express his needs that was causing it, so I think I was a bit on the hesitant side when it came to disciplining him. (I continually find myself guilty of subconsciously being ever so slightly more lenient with Sh.awn than I am with the other two.)
• That is until one day in the middle of a screaming fit (because HE. DID. NOT. WANT. TO. EAT. even though he was clearly hungry) I watched the little shit scream one of his special ear piercing screams and then turn to look at Is.aac and wait for a reaction. Is.aac and I happened to be talking, so Is.aac ignored him and kept talking to me. When the little shit screamed again and then looked to me for my reaction, I knew he was just a puppet master and we were his marionettes.
• Oh HELL no am I going to be played by a 4 year old. Ahem.
• It's been a lot better since I figured him out.
• He's a stubborn one, though, so we must stay one step ahead of him. He will sense our weakness and conquer us if we falter...

• So, it seems that the In.spir.ation Thr.ough Art people want to showcase the boys on their site as 2012 heroes.
• I don't even know what to do with that idea. I think my mind may have just imploded at the thought.
• It is clear that the universe likes to mess with me.
• However, if my guys weren't so damn cute, I probably wouldn't be having this problem. I've got to give the universe that at least.

Stop by Danifred's for more Leftovers. While you're there, wish her congratulations. She had her baby boy on Tuesday!

Sh.awn's Day, 2012

(cross posted)

Today was one of those special days in my heart. ‎4 years ago, after 91 long days, our little Sh.awn finally came home from the hospital.

Today, is this Sh.awn's Homecoming Day!

He's bursting with excitement!

We celebrated our boy today...

He got to choose whatever he wanted for dinner--waffles and chocolate dip granola bar. Yum!

He got to blow out candles on his very own cake.

4 candles to blow out -- one for each year

He got to open presents all by himself! With no brother opening presents at the same time! Oh the rapture!

Yea! 2 presents to open!

This is so fun!

It's Rex from Toy Story!

And a movie!

We had some cake!

Mmmm...chocolate cake....

A great end to a great meal!

Ja.son is loving the cake, too!

So did Jack! :-)

We had a fantastic celebration!

Sh.awn's Day, 2012!

Happy Homecoming Day, Sh.awn. We love you very, very much!

Opinions Wanted Part 2

First of all, thanks for all of the nice words about the pictures. I am super excited about them all. She released the full album to me earlier today. I don't think there is a single one that I don't like. How she managed that is beyond me!

As for your other opinions, I just have to say wow. Thank you. For all of them. I definitely have a lot to think about for a while.

I have decided to take the intent behind the words as the guide for the write-up. I think she was genuine. I believe she was a kind person. I am going to take her write-up as that.

I am somewhat still uncomfortable with her outing the boys' CP, because I have yet to publicly link them to it, but after reading your thoughts, I suppose I need to do more thinking about the reason behind my reluctance.

I am a deeply private person by nature. It isn't that I am shy or afraid of people knowing things about me, it's just that I grew up in a family where too much information was routinely shared. I hated that I was never able to have my own personal privacy. Now I hold many things I feel are important close to my heart (you know, aside from this blog) and will only share with a few very close friends if even then. I don't know what that says about me as a person, but that is how I am.

So, it is hard for me because their story and my story are hugely intertwined. Where do I draw that line between my story and their story? How much should I say about their struggles without crossing over into issues that they may not want me to share? Would they want to share what I share about them? They are still children without the voice to directly say what they want said or not--I don't want it to be that simply because they are children I took their choice away. Because I know exactly what it feels like to have "everyone" know my business, I am even more careful about what I say about the boys publicly.

While I hope that our collective story is full of love, hope, and (hopefully) success, I am the gate keeper to their story. As such I really try to respect when to separate myself from them. They are my first priority--their happiness and well being is what I care about. I am not hiding from it nor embarrassed by it by any means, but is it my news to share?

I don't know if that makes sense. I don't even know if it makes sense to me.

I am acutely aware that it could be seen that by not declaring to the world that my boys are damn awesome kids who happen to have a CP diagnosis, it may send the message that I am ashamed of them. I certainly don't want anyone to believe that, especially the boys themselves! Let me be clear here, when I say that that couldn't be any further from the truth. I think that if there was any reason to start shouting from the rooftop about CP, this reason alone is it.

But my guess is that I'd be shouting only because I was just afraid of what my silence implied to others who don't know us well enough to know that idea was ridiculous.

All I really need to be worried about how my boys feel about what I do or do not say.

I think (hope) that I am doing a decent job teaching my boys that there are all kinds of people in this world and that each one of us has his or her own special contribution to make. I think (hope) I am doing a decent job teaching my boys that they are just as capable, smart, needed, and LOVED as any other children in this world. I believe that we are lucky to have them in our lives and I wouldn't trade them for anything in this world. I know that they know they are the center of their parents' world.

So, as you can see, I do not take this topic lightly. I am thinking about it.

A lot.

I just haven't come to any answers yet.

I'd love to hear more of your thoughts on the matter...

Opinions Wanted

She's released more pictures*! (*I am linking to a third site first so no one can find their way back here, Sorry I am so paranoid.) I don't think this is all of them, but I am excited by what I've seen so far. :-)

So what do you think?

---

So, I am conflicted about linking it to the boys' blog. I mean, I LOVE the pictures of the boys. (Not so fond of the ones of me, but whatever.) But, and it seems that there is always a but when it comes to me, the write-up is leaving me twitchy.

I think the intent was very sweet, but there is just something about it that stings a bit. Maybe I just overreacting? Too sensitive? (And to be honest, she is a very genuine woman who I am sure understands a bit of the world in which our family lives. I'd guess that if she knew she had hurt my feelings, she'd be very upset. It is not my intention to hurt her either. She went out of her way to do this for us, and I am truly grateful!)

It makes me uncomfortable that she stated their diagnosis. I have no problem talking to people about the fact that they have this as a diagnosis. I do not hide from CP nor am I embarrassed by it. However, I am still hesitant to link that diagnosis to the boys publicly, especially on their blog. (Which, hello, I've already made that link here, but this place is sort of--albeit loosely--anonymous so it doesn't bother me as much.)

I can't quite decide why it is an issue to me, but it is. People are stupid and insensitive and make me want to hit them. Couple that with my fierce desire to protect my guys from that kind of crap...and well, I've just stayed away from publicly declaring what's up. I have told quite few people directly (and dude they don't walk so they know something's up anyway) but I am just leery.

I imagine the photographer would remove those two words from her post should I ask her to do so. But my head is wrestling whether or not I should. Maybe I just need to relax and not try to control everything.

---

So that gives you two things to weigh in on today. I'd love to hear your thoughts.

One Last Thing

Tonight I was asked to write a letter to the court system asking for my student to be allowed to continue his education.

Not fun.

My gift for words failed me. I put it off for as long as I could. I am great at avoidance if nothing else, but at the very least I could do this one last thing for him.

When I finally sat down to start, I struggled with what to write so it sounded just the way I thought it should. (I mean, seriously, who knows what to write in these types of things?) What I came up with seems so pitiful in comparison to what I really wanted to say.

Sigh.

The second debriefing for staff is on Wednesday.

He'll get sent to adult prison this week as well.

Friday Night Leftovers

• My classes finished a major project at school today which culminated with presentations to what seemed like the ENTIRE school throughout the day. (Seriously. We made 800 copies of the spectators' observation forms, so we had at least that many students come through to watch the kids present.)
• My kids had a fantastic time, and I'm sure this event will be one of the highlights of their middle school experience.
• I am exhausted.
• A few months ago, I had another lapse in judgement idea to take 80 kids on a field trip tomorrow. This time we are heading to another university for another sporting event.
• What was I thinking? Didn't I know I'd be exhausted today and likely tomorrow? I amaze myself with my great ideas.
• I apparently SUCK at planning. What a great idea to just get both events over with the same weekend! Ahem.
• Hopefully, I will return to school with all the kids yet again and be able to call tomorrow's trip a success. (Yes, returning with the kids is all it takes for me to deem a trip a success. lol.)

• Because I mentioned that my youngest child is an intellectual couch potato like the rest of us and wasn't yet crawling, he decided to prove me wrong the very next day.
• Jack is now on the move. It's a crude army crawl at this point, but he is perfecting his skills day by day.
• The motivator was his brothers' cars. He sees them; therefore, he must have them.
• He especially likes it when he can get the cars FROM his brothers. And yes he can get them from his brothers. While I'd like to think that the big boys are not fighting with him for the cars, I'm pretty sure Jack would win even if the big boys did resist. Jack is pretty damn strong for a baby.
• Heaven help me. This boy is going to be a handful.

• I am dying because the photographer hasn't released the rest of the photos yet.
• I continue to stalk her FB and web pages!

• AF showed today. It's CD 25. Sigh.
• At least that explains why I've been so emotional this week. Got to love hormones...not.

Stop by Danifred's for more Leftovers. (And send her some good wishes...she's about to have a baby!)

Conversation with a 4 Year Old

Jason and his dad were in the bathroom. Is.aac was keeping him company during yet another trip to the potty.

While he was on the pot, Ja.son began playing with the two firetrucks--a white one and a yellow one--he had brought with him. For a bit he had the two trucks driving around covering the various fires he imagined around the bathroom, but then he decided it was time for the trucks to go back home to rest.

"The mommy truck is tired. It needs to go back home to go to sleep." He grabbed the yellow truck and started pushing it away.

"No. This isn't the mommy firetruck." he said as he shoved the yellow truck aside.

"It's not?" Is.aac asked.

"No. This is the mommy firetruck." he stated as he picked up the white one. "It looks more like mommy!" Is.aac laughed at that. (Is.aac told me later, he thought the boy had a point.)

"And this one," Ja.son said with a smile as he held out the yellow truck, "is the daddy firetruck."

He grabbed the two firetrucks and pushed them both toward "home."

---

We've talked about how everyone has different colored skin in our house when they've asked (that is just how he/she is made), but this is the first time we've seen it come out in play. I wonder what his mind is thinking about the matter.

Thoughts?

I Never Get Tired of This

The boys "napping" this afternoon. They were laughing so hard
they woke up the baby, too. lol

I love that these two have finally discovered each other. They are truly playing together now and laughing--oh, how I love to hear them laughing together. My heart swells with love and pride. :)

---

Today, the 16th of January, is their estimated due date. I image it only really matters in my head and heart. Is.aac acted like I am some kind of weirdo because I pointed it out to him.

To him, and everyone else for that matter, this is just another day.

It's so much more for me.

I'm not sad about it like I used to be. I don't constantly beat myself up for failing them anymore.

It is what it is.

That means I'm making progress at least.

But each year, and I suspect for many years to come, I'll acknowledge this day and allow myself the freedom to wonder about those "could have beens."

Jack in the Box

Look! It's a drooling Jack in the Box!

I find him in the craziest places now, which is funny because the boy still doesn't crawl. lol. He has a wicked aim and some sort of magic power which makes everything, and I do mean everything, he wants levitate to his grasp. Well, maybe it isn't exactly magic, but dang if it doesn't mystify me as to how he gets shit into his hands that I swear is clear across the room and HE HAS NEVER MOVED! Blows my mind.

He's in this incredible stage of doing new things all the time. He's such a light in our lives, like his brothers in many ways but not in so many more, still a baby...and yet, he's so grown up and independent.

He'll be 1 in a mere 76 days.

I am struggling to wrap my mind around that one, too.

***It's kind of cool to me that this post is # 1,111. Never thought I'd still be at it all these years! :-)

Friday Night Leftovers with a Sneak Peek!

• We got word this week that one of our students delivered a baby. She was early enough that many people didn't even know she was pregnant. The baby is under a pound and a half, which puts her somewhere around 24/25 weeks. My heart is sick for her, the family, and most especially the baby. Life in the NICU is hard enough for an adult to endure. I can't imagine a child having to.
• On that note, I set up a March for Babies team. This is a huge step for me. I used to marvel at how so many other people were able to jump right into fundraising and marching. I could not bring myself to even entertain the idea of participating. It still makes me feel funny to think about doing it now. I figured the fact that I don't want to throw up at the thought of it meant it might be time to try.

• I am in LOVE with the sneak preview of the pictures of the boys. In. Love. I can't wait to see the others. I may be a bit biased, but my kids are pretty damn cute.
• The white brown shirts we wore that day are still sitting in a pile on the floor in our bedroom. My shoes were right next to the pile. I found a spider in my shoe this evening.
• Coincidence?
• I am totally freaked out that one of us may have brought some mutant (now dead) spider back to our house.
• Can you tell how much I like nature?

• Project Runway All Stars. WTF? Where is Tim Gunn? Where is Heidi? Wait a minute, I don't mind Heidi not being there. The blond chick that is hosting is fine.
• It just isn't the same.
• But I am still watching.

• We got a new 3" memory foam topper for our bed. I can't wait to sleep in it.
• That's sort of sad, right? I can't wait to sleep.
• I can't, though. I do love me some sleep.

• A message to Jack's teeth: Stop coming in. Seriously. Jack is miserable. We are therefore miserable. Plus, molars in a 9 month old is NOT needed. He is just starting to eat stage 3 foods...steak is a long way in the future for him. Just back off already! Signed: Mommy

• Did I tell you I love the pictures? Can't wait for more? Me excited? Nah! :-)

Stop by Danifred's for more Leftovers.

Yea!

We went.

We were photoed.

We conquered (for the most part at least)!

Today, we had our pictures taken. I decided for us to wear our jeans and white shirts. We looked so awesome when we left our house.

And when we drove up to the location, I heard Ja.son say he wanted to play in the dirt. Sh.awn agreed. I knew we were screwed, so I let the worry go and just had fun. We were NOT wearing white shirts when we left that place, that's for sure. lol.

Sh.awn had a few tough moments--he is anti pictures right now--but, even he enjoyed it. Ja.son was on some sort of artificial high. I haven't seen that kind of energy out of him ever. He was all.over.the.place. Jack was a grump until he saw the camera on him. Then he'd light up like some sort of model. It was hilarious.

The photographer said that the pictures of the three boys together might not be ideal (this was during one of Sh.awn's moments), but she is pretty sure that she has several great shots of us as a family, the big boys together, and definitely of each kid individually. I'm all giddy at the prospect of pictures with all of us looking in the same direction. I don't even care if everyone is smiling.

The part that just amazes me most is that she's giving us all the digital pictures unedited. We'll get to pick our favorite 10 and she'll edit and print them for us. All for free. I am speechless.

I need to put my thinking cap on and come up with a good way to thank her. Anyone have any brilliant ideas?

Anyway, I can't wait to see them! (She's supposed to put sneak peaks on FB tonight...)

---

As an aside, it looks like my mom has Sjögren’s Syndrome. Her rheumatologist is pretty certain that is what she has, especially because my uncle was diagnosed with it three months ago. She had more bloodwork done today and goes back in two weeks to confirm. Anyone have any experience with this?

Overheard

Ja.son and Is.aac have been butting heads a lot the last few days. If Is.aac says "grey", Ja.son just has to say, "white." Nothing has changed as far as I can tell, so I'm not sure why Ja.son is so angry with him. (I am not having the same issues with the boy. He's saving it all for daddy.) It's driving us all crazy.

Tonight, though, I think the two of them reached an agreement of sorts and have set the bickering aside. I over heard Ja.son dramatically tell his daddy, "I love you daddy...I didn't yesterday, but today I do."

I have no idea where this kid comes up with this stuff.

Have decided the OTs can officially go fly a kite. I have issues with the goals they wrote. It is stupid to me to have something as a goal for the next 6 months if they've mastered the skill now. They won't/can't/who cares why if they won't change them. Sigh.

The PTs on the other hand, they are amazing...

Jason trying out "crutches" for the first time.
He totally rocked it with them!

P.S. I was a good girl and didn't get all pissy. I don't think I'll be labeled difficult either. I was calm. I stated my points. They said some nonsense and that was it.

Nothing Like Putting Things Into Perspective

I've been wildly nervous about the upcoming picture day. (Thursday. Yikes!) In my head I am playing various scenarios of tears and tantrums, peeing in pants, and all the usual drama that happens only in my head. I was going with the plan that I am so nervous about things going horribly wrong, when they don't, I will be very pleasantly surprised.

What? It usually works for me.

Tonight, I got a nice head butt to the lip. It bled for a while and puffed up instantly. I look rather like I was on the wrong end of a bar fight.

I have to just laugh through the pain. (Because man, did it hurt.)

My worries were always centered on the boys and their behavior. Never once did I think about sporting a new lip for the shindig. (They have dubbed me Stacie Jolie on FB.)

Tonight's little event is yet another reminder that I need to just chill the fuck out. What will be, will be.

All my worrying won't help make things easier. In reality, it will just wind me up until all the fun is gone. This is supposed to be a fun experience for all of us...

So consider me no longer worrying about picture day. Come on Thursday...we're ready!

Um, once I figure out what we're going to wear. :-)

Where Is My Zen?

An unfortunate side effect of these stupid letters is the strain it puts on our relationship. True to form, we have been bickering non stop since we got them yesterday. It's old, really, but we both get caught up in the emotion (hurt) and have trouble stepping back and finding our zen.

Instead, I chuck zen out the window while firing back with both barrels. He gets into his nitpicking mode and has something to say about every.single.thing.I.do. It's not exactly great for our relationship.

Worse, it makes me feel even more shitty.

Sigh.

I know that what is said on those evaluations doesn't change anything. The boys are still amazing. They still do what they do--assessments are not. I still have great expectations for their futures.

Still, I am very sensitive to someone criticizing them for what they have no control over. This brings out the fierce momma bear. If I can't attack the people who critique them, Is.aac ends up being the surrogate. (and I for him)

And I hate that I started to trust that these people would help us, only to feel blindsided by the fact that we truly are alone.

AGAIN. You'd think I'd learn by now.

I am still wrestling with how to address my feelings over the evaluation. I could suck it up and just let it go. If I am honest, this is my fall back solution. I hate causing waves if I can avoid it. I'll be pissed and uncooperative when they want information/something (if only in my mind). To be sure, I will never openly say anything to these particular therapists without carefully weighing my words. I will also be very mindful of everything the boys are doing with these therapists and will ask many questions as to the relevance of certain activities to the stated goals. My days of just letting therapy take its course with these therapists are long over.

I could voice my concerns about the inaccuracies I saw and the misquoting of my words, but I am not sure how that will really benefit the boys/us. I certainly do not want my actions to affect the boys' therapy sessions adversely. And yes, if they were professional, it wouldn't, but I see first hand how the kids of pissy* parents get treated. (Although I try not to let what parents do/say affect my relationship with the kids, I am only human.) I think crossing the line to become "that" kind of parent would be very easy for me at this point.

So I don't know. I have until Tuesday to decide how I want to handle this.

*Spell check does not like the word "pissy" and wants me to change it to "pussy." The 12 year old inside of me is still giggling. It's the little things I guess.

Every 6 Months

Every 6 months or so, I get another reminder--as if daily living isn't enough of one.

Your children are delayed.

Your children are not normal.

In essence, every 6 months I get another "your children suck and can't do anything" letter from whichever agency is in charge of picking out all of their struggles at the time.

And when you have twins, you get the fun times two.

Sigh.

We got the OT evaluations today. Neither boy is particularly happy with their OTs, so you can imagine how them not wanting to work with these women translated on paper. Plus, the boys have only been in therapy since late September, which meant they have had less than three months to work on the goals established for them in June.

I read through these forms and got increasingly more angry. I was misquoted and saw my words warped into unintended meaning. Along with that, there were flat out inaccuracies on which skills the therapists said the boys can't do, even though we KNOW they can do those skills. I think I shook my head "no" to at least one thing in pretty much every section.

Again, I feel like I have to  be very careful when I answer questions the therapists ask. Like I have to watch everything that happens while we are there. Like it isn't safe to let Is.aac take them because I can't know what is going on while the boys are there.

But more than that, it is just inherently WRONG to willingly take my children to a place where people are payed pick out every single tiny weakness they can find in my kids to justify the need for therapy.

It hurts my heart to continually have everyone shove it in my face (in the guise of "helping") that my children are different.

Ugh. These feelings and hurts...every time I think I have a handle on all of this, something happens to knock me back down. Constantly picking yourself up from the gutter gets old.

Friday Night Leftovers

• My brother-in-law and sister-in-law came for a visit on New Year's Eve. They had our niece, A, with them. Apparently EVERYONE tells them how HUGE she is. (She isn't really. She has chubby cheeks, and that's about it.) Jack is like the Jolly Green Giant next to her--without the green that is. To me, their daughter is petite.



He's only 9 weeks older than her. He looks more
 like 6 months older than her if you ask me.

• A kept trying to touch Jack and take his toys. Jack was having no part of it. He pulled away from her every single time and just let her have all of his toys. He might be a giant, but he is definitely a gentle one.

• I am still trying to decide what to wear for our pictures. I'm leaning toward white long sleeved button ups. Of course we don't actually own white long sleeve button ups, so it remains to be seen if we do wear them for the pictures.
• I decided Jack probably needed shoes for this shindig, too. I bought him his first pair last night. They are too cute, and were only $4. I couldn't pass it up. I nearly had a heart attack when I realized I had to get him a size 5.
• To put that in perspective, Sh.awn only wears a size 8.

• I went to a baby shower for a coworker tonight. Even after three babies, it still stung. Shouldn't it be easier to go to those stupid things by now?

• I love Sh.awn with all I've got, but oh my G*D is he driving me up the fucking wall with his behavior. He has decided to scream when he doesn't get his way, which means he is screaming a lot.
• I'm not exactly sure what to do about it, either. Time outs don't affect him. He could care less if I take a toy.
• I am currently just picking him up, putting him in his room, and walking away when he screams although that solution doesn't seem like it is changing the behavior much.
• I do know he doesn't want me to put him into his room, so at least I've found something that he doesn't like as a punishment. (He can come out as soon as he stops screaming and does after a few minutes.)
• The issue is this solution doesn't solve the problem of his screaming while we are away from home, in particular when we go to therapy. He loves to scream at therapy when he doesn't get his way.
• The screaming fits started when therapy started. I doubt that it is merely a coincidence.
• Any thoughts?

Stop by Danifred's for more Leftovers.

This One Stopped Me

At work today, I left my room to walk the two hundred feet across the hall to go to the restroom. I made it halfway there and remembered I left my phone on the desk in my room.

It was safe. My door was locked; no one was in the class.

That didn't matter. I absolutely HAD to go back and get it. I had to have the phone with me.

It was all I could do to not run to my room.

Not because I wanted to use it while I was in there either.

I had to have it because my thoughts flashed to "lock downs" and being stuck in the bathroom for a long length of time. I needed to make sure I had a way of getting information--of getting help.

Sigh.

This is the first time I've had this kind of thought. It's bugging me, though, and I am fairly certain that now I'll always have my phone with me while I'm on campus.

Mostly Wordless Wednesday - More Cruising

Makes my heart happy to see this...

He was TOTALLY rocking his ride today. :-)

Silly Boys

So today Ja.son asked me to hypothesize which of his toys weighed more. I was floored. Where the hell did he learn that word? I asked him what that word meant, so he explained it me while looking at me like I was an idiot.

Man, my kid's vocabulary is amazing.

---

Sh.awn's strength has been improving by leaps and bounds. I think he may just be the first of the two to stand independently for any length of time. His therapists look at me like we are doing all kinds of work on him during the week. While we are stretching with him, we certainly aren't doing anything more than what we normally do. I don't know what's up, but I like it.

It's all I can do not to smile and act like we do all kinds of stuff with him on the days he doesn't go to school.

---

Ja.son noticed we have been working on the garage. He wanted to know if we had some cleaning fairies come visit last night.

Yes. He specifically asked if they were "cleaning fairies." Um...I don't know where that one came from either.

---

My hope that we had broken Sh.awn of the paci was shot down in flames this afternoon. He dissolved into tears because he "just needed his paci soooooo much!" I sense that he feels my weakness. I will stay strong, but holy hell is he making me work for it.

---

Here's Jack with his new skill:



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My grandmother has been here visiting for the last week or so. It has been interesting. The major downfall is that she brought her dog.

That in itself shouldn't be a big deal, but I am allergic and the boys are very, very afraid of dogs. (They are not the bravest duo in the world.) It has not been fun trying to keep the dog and them separated.

They scream. The dog barks. I break out in hives. Good times.

She leaves tomorrow.

---

Speaking of brave souls, the boys have an app on their LeapPads that are little monsters who hold up signs marked with letters. When the monsters hold up the sign, they say the sound of the letter.

The monster who holds up the "A" sign scares the crap out of the boys when he says the sound. We're talking they scream and throw the offending LeapPad as far from them as they can when the monster says the sound.

I want to avoid taking the app off their LeapPads, but I just may have to so they'll use them again.

And thank goodness I got the protection plan.

---

The photographer contacted me about The Littlest Heroes Project. We are scheduled to take our pictures on the 12th. Yikes. I am now wildly nervous about it.

I am afraid to get too excited about it in case it doesn't go well.

Any thoughts on what we should wear? We'll all be in jeans. Beyond that, any ideas?

___________________________________

My goal this year is to post at least three to four times a week. So far, so good. lol

Wait a Minute!

(Cross Posted for the most part.)

I think someone stole my winter break. Seriously. It's gone. I want it back, thank you very much. I wasn't done with it yet! (sniff, sniff)

Sadly, my time home with the boys is over. It's back to work tomorrow for me. Boo. We did a lot this winter break.

• We visited with family and friends.
• We "crafted" ourselves crazy. (We didn't even finish everything I had for us to do. I already have a list of activities for next year. lol)
• We went to doctor and therapy appointments. (6 of them in total)
• Everyone got shots. :-(
• We saw Santa.
• We opened presents and played with new toys.
• We stayed in our pjs until late in the day several times!
• We played outside and ran in fear from the ferocious squirrels in the backyard.

We had a lot of fun!

I did, however, have two main goals* that I wanted to accomplish before vacation ended. True to form, I waited until the very last possible moment before we started on them.

First, I wanted to finally bite the bullet and potty train Ja.son. (My plan has always been to divide and conquer--get Ja.son to potty train and know figure hope pray that Sh.awn will likely follow suit shortly.) If you know me on Facebook**, you saw updates like this:

Day 2 of "Justpeeonthepottyandnotinyourpantsforheaven'ssake" has been a success. 2 accidents yesterday. 1 accident this morning (didn't get to the potty in time after waking up). I anticipate an even better day tomorrow! December 30 @ 10:23 pm

Little did I know that Day 3 would be even worse. Yikes. Let me just say that I think I may be forever scarred by what I found in his pants that day. (shudder)

But, I am finally happy to say that Ja.son has been in undies with zero accidents for two days in a row now. We're talking 24 hours a day, all day, all night dry. Whoot! Sure, I still occasionally hear the dreaded, "It's not fair!" when I remind him to go, but he does most of it on his own. Dare I say he's finally been "trained"? We shall see. Of course tonight should be interesting as he "couldn't" go potty before bed. Sigh. I'm a bit afraid to say he is potty trained because my kids like to go out of their way to keep me on my toes. (Where did they get that from?)

My second goal for the vacation was a lot harder to get through than I imagined as evidenced by the following Facebook updates:

And for giggles, today is Day 1 of "Idon'tknowwhereyourpaciis,youmusthavelostitsogotosleepwithoutit." This should make for a fun experience. (Don't judge. Everyone has a vice or two. Ahem.) December 30 @ 10:23 pm

---

Only took him two hours to go to sleep tonight without the paci, but he did it! Here's hoping tomorrow goes just as well. December 30 @ 11:50 pm

---

S: "I want my paci, mommy."

M: "You lost it, buddy."

S: "Oh, I'm sorry, mommy...I don't know what to doooooooo, I don't know what to doooooooo!"

Cue the mommy guilt. I'm pretty hard core when it comes to doing what needs to be done, but taking away this stupid paci stuff is hurting my heart! January 1 @ 5:43 pm

---and a bit later---

This is day three...I told him he must have lost the paci and he apologizes to me about losing it. Sigh. I keep hoping the end of him asking for it is near... He's fine at night once he finally gets to sleep. Naps haven't been going well though (and man does this boy need a daily nap). @ 6:21 pm

Ugh. Getting Sh.awn off the paci is torture for us both! He hasn't been napping well at all, which has translated to some not so great evenings, too.

Finally now on day 4, I saw a glimmer of hope when he went to bed tonight and didn't ask for the paci even though he had asked for it a few hours before.

Dare I say it? He didn't ask for the paci tonight. (He did this afternoon but not tonight.) The farthest he would go is, "I think I forgot something..." I'd just sort of cut him off before he could get to the end of that thought.


Hallelujah! January 2 @ 9:50 pm

Fingers crossed that tomorrow he won't ask for his paci at all.

Whew.

Now that I am writing it all out, we really did do a lot. Hm. I think that means I'm going to need a vacation from my vacation!

*We did get started on cleaning out the garage today. I dropped the boys off at my mom's and we both worked on it. I'd say we made a really decent dent in all the work, but there is a considerable amount of work left to do. I suspect I'll end up finishing, but at least he started with me, right?

Two thoughts while we are working: 1)Where did all this crap come from? How can we possibly have this much junk? Jeez. I thought I did a decent job of getting rid of stuff that we don't need/use/want but apparently not. (I am struggling to get rid of the baby stuff, though. I just can't bring myself to do it yet.) 2) Toy manufacturers use an OBSCENE amount of packaging for their toys. Seriously, you don't need that much cardboard and plastic to protect a piece of plastic. Man. I think we spent over an hour breaking down boxes from the various toys/baby goods items we have received over the year. (Yes, it would be easier to manage if we did it as we got the shit in the first place, but I am lazy like that. Ahem.)

**If you don't know me on Facebook, why don't you already? Come on. I'm nice. Really. :-)

2011 Revisited

The 2011 Creme de la Creme has been posted! I am number 186. You can read my post here. If you haven't yet experienced this list, please set aside some time to go read the posts submitted. You will be blown away. I promise.

The Best of the Adoption/Loss/Infertility Blogs of 2011

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A bit more reflection before I put last year behind me. I thought I'd try this meme I saw on another blog. The rules are to post the first sentence of the first blog post for every month of 2011. Here we go...

January - Part 2 - Un-Setting My Heart (I Didn't Forget!) (1/10/11) - "I have been thinking about transforming my mind a lot lately. My kids deserve it. My husband deserves it. And most importantly, I deserve a break from all of the ugliness I placed on myself." Technically, the first post of this month was my 2010 in review, so this is the second post of the month. This has been the year of trying to change my perspective, that is for sure. I have to admit that it is still a work in progress, and I did get back to some very low moments this year. Now, I think the clouds are lifting...my outlook is changing...and now, a year later (I am slow sometimes) I may finally be reaching the point I set out to achieve!

February - Ja.son's Day (2/3/11) "On this day, three years ago, my little Ja.son came home from the hospital after 99 days in the NICU." In this post, the only one for February it seems, I focus on Ja.son's Homecoming Day. I love celebrating the days we got to bring the big boys home from the hospital. I especially love the fact that the each get to have their own special day to celebrate, as they are sort of forced to do everything else together.

March - I Swear That Man Is Going to Make Me Crazy! (Updated with Picture Link) (3/1/11) "Sigh. I was feeling, dare I say, confident? not as worried? at least okay about today's appointment." Ah yes, a recap of last year wouldn't be complete without something about Dr. Doom. In this post, I was updating about my 34 week appointment with my high risk doctor, aka Doom, and discussing the good, bad, and ugly on the appointment. If only I had a crystal ball to show the Stacie of that time what today would be like!
April - Cruising Along (4/1/11) "Discharge will likely happen tomorrow." In this post, I get to share the one of the newborn pictures the photographer took at the hospital. We were getting close to being discharged (and were the next day). Go figure. They let me take him home with me!

May - What Have We Been Up To? (5/2/11) "I could tell you about the sweet little Coach bag I picked up at the mall on Sunday." There were so many great things happening in our lives on that day, but the focus of this post was Ja.son rocking his therapy evaluation. Oh, I am such a proud mommy! Sh.awn's eval was a few days later. So what that it took us until SEPTEMBER to finally get into a therapy session, right? Sigh.

June - Mostly Wordless Wednesday (6/1/11) "Doesn't this make it look like he has way too much on his mind?" A picture of my adorable Jack. I could just nibble on his cheeks all day long. :-)

July - Friday Night Leftovers & Blog Summer Camp Day 1 (7/1/11) "My SILs came over with their kids today and spent the day. Fortunately, my older neice, M, was decently behaved some of the time. She still doesn't know my name (wtf? she's 5!), and she did do some things that were over the line, but Ja.son stood up to her and held his own." Not the most exciting update. I guess they can't all be winners.

August - Still A Go (8/1/11) "Still on for tomorrow. We have to be there at 8:30, and I'm up first. Please let me be articulate and calm..." The trial. The event that I dreaded the entire summer. This was the night before I was to go in to testify. I thought I'd be first, but ended up being third--a small bonus as my testimony was done in time for the mid afternoon newsreport, and I was much less interesting than the witness who went after me.

September - Not Over (9/1/11) "Mist.rial." The trial was finally over and the verdict was in. All of that stress and heartache for a mistrial in the end anyway. Still makes me so sad to think about.

October - 6 Months Old (10/1/11) "My baby isn't such a baby anymore." An update of Jack's typically normal infancy. It still boggles my mind that I am so lucky to get the chance to be his mom!


November - No Fun (11/3/11) "You know what is absolutely no fun at all? Talking to an 8th grader about how to get her 8 month old baby girl to sleep through the night." It wasn't any fun then, and it still isn't any fun. The poor girl misses twice as many days as she attends. I worry about her future and the future of her little one. And frankly, I still just want to bitch slap my student's mother.

December - Is He More Girl Than I Am? (12/4/11) "Let me just start by saying that I really do try to not stereotype based on gender." This post is just a petty vent by a frustrated wife who is tired of always having to do the dirty work!