Our Wish

Our wish for Shawn and Jason...



Such a fun year. Can't wait to see what year 6 brings us!

Happy Birthday, Sh.awn and Ja.son!

Today the dynamic duo turned 5.

FIVE!

This morning they both got into bed with us for a little snuggle time. I asked them if they felt any different today, now that they are FIVE. Sh.awn gave me a dismissive "uh huh," but Ja.son thought about it for a minute before he answered.

"I feel bigger," he said.

Oh, how right he was.

I'm not sure how it happened, but my little preemies are bigger now.

They are more of everything now.

These two pound miracles are stronger, more determined, smarter, funnier, sweeter...

more amazing than I could have ever dreamed possible.

They've brought so much light into our lives, changed us in so many wonderful ways. We are incredibly lucky to be their parents.

I can't wait to see what our future holds with these boys and their brother in it!

 

Sh.awn - 5 years old!

Ja.son - 5 years old!

Sh.awn's giving us the high 5!

It's a 5 for Jay, too!

Happy 5th Birthday, Sh.awn and Ja.son!

Weekend Leftovers

Today was the boys' birthday party. 35 people RSVP'ed. Only 10 people showed--all of them were adults. The only kids at the party were ours.

The boys developed a congested sounding cough Wednesday. I hoped it would improve some by Friday, but it didn't. So, I messaged the people who RSVP'ed to let them know that the boys were coughing, but it wasn't something I would keep them home from school with because they acted fine otherwise. I figured that it was the thing to do because sure as shit would I have been upset to get to a party to find that everyone was sick. Anyway, one family (with a 36 week preemie) decided to back out. I was totally okay with that. Another family said that their youngest had been battling a fever for a few days and that they wouldn't come because they didn't want to get anyone sick. Every single family with kids we'd invited (except for the preemie family) had one or more sick child and couldn't come.

Sigh.

I admit that I was a bit upset at first about the people not coming. I so wanted the boys to have a good time--I worried that the lack of kids would put a damper on the fun.

After a while, I just decided to roll with it.

I have to say that it was a LOT of fun. The people who did come were people who were important in our lives. They fawned all over the boys. The boys were literally the center of the party, which in turn made them beam the entire afternoon. Jason even declared the party the best EVER. lol

Good food (lots of it with all the no shows) + yummy cupcakes (6 dozen minis because I also couldn't change that order so late) + great people = success!

Plus, I didn't have to worry about other kids getting their germs all over the boys' toys. :-)

I need to make roll with it my motto. Usually when I do, things work out okay in the end.

~~~

I took the day off on Friday to clean the house for the party. I think the last time I thoroughly cleaned was for Jack's party at the start of April. Yikes.

I think my cobwebs had cobwebs.

Nothing like a good cleaning to remind a person how much of a slob she (her family) really is.

~~~

The student we took to lunch earlier in the school year has started to decline. It's heartbreaking to watch someone self destruct the way he is and not be able to stop it. :(

~~~

Stop b Danifred's for more Leftovers.

Awwww...

I think I found our Christmas card photo! :)

Residual

If there is one annoying residual from my experiences over the last five years, it would be my complete disdain for making plans.

Honestly, I try to avoid making plans at all costs. It is really bad.

I hate making plans ahead of time. I know it is my PTSD controlling me, but I can't help it. I got so afraid of making plans because it seemed that every single time I did, something would happen. Now while the rational part of me knows that isn't the case, my heart can tick off the times when our plans went south.

We got an invite to a cousin's kid's first birthday for this Saturday. I couldn't bring myself to RSVP until the very last minute, and when I finally did commit I just knew I was pissing off fate.

Sure enough, Sh.awn started throwing up this evening.

I HATE it when he throws up. Ugh.

The good news (if you can call it that) is it looks like he has a fever, too. (Which for us makes it more likely that this is a bug of some kind rather than his head.)

But, this is not something my psyche needs to deal with right now. I could do without any more scab picking at this particular moment.

Keep on keeping on, right?

17 Days...

On this day, five years ago, Baby A's (Sh.awn's) sack ruptured. I was exactly 26 weeks pregnant.

The countdown to the boys' birth is on...

I'd be lying if I said that wasn't one of the scariest times in my life - a time filled with fear and stress. And while the date doesn't have the same emotional hold on me, I guess it says something that the day itself still stands out on the calendar. I know it's coming, and I most certainly know it's here.

Now, rather than focus on the feelings from then, I focus on the joy those two little men sleeping in the next room bring to our lives.

I marvel in how much they've accomplished in their lives, things that some might have said would never happen.

I revel in pride.

Today I focus on my amazing boys. We may not know what the future holds, but we do know we're going to face it with strength and determination!

In 17 days, my big boys are going to be 5.

Wow.

~~~

Last night, on Parenthood, there was a scene where the entire family was at the baseball field watching one of the boys play ball. The boy sat most of the game in the dugout until the grandfather went to the coach and demanded the boy get to play. The coach relented, allowing the boy to finally be called up to the plate. On the boy's third pitch, he hit the ball and ultimately scored a home run while the entire family cheered him on.

Oh how I cried.

We did baseball when I was a kid. (I was even on a Little League team for first and second grade. That's how into baseball my family was.) My older brothers played until they aged out of the league, my dad was an umpire for the league, and my mom managed the concession stand, so we spent many hours at the field as a family.

I guess that was how I pictured my life would be when I had kids. We'd live at the field during baseball season like my family did when I was little. I'd sit in the stands and cheer my boys on as they raced around the bases. We'd head to the local pizza joint to celebrate with the team after a hard fought win.

Last night, it struck me that we'd not have those kind of family memories.

My heart ached with a crushing intensity, and I cried like a little baby over a silly little dream.

Sigh.

I think I have it all under control (maybe I mostly do?), but there are days when the scab over the loss of what I expected our lives to be is ripped off. It takes a bit of bleeding before I can build the scab up again, I suppose.

~~~

I was still feeling pretty raw when I went to pick up the boys for therapy. There's nothing quite like the assault of reality on already fragile emotions, right?

Imagine my surprise when I discovered the therapists had created a mini baseball game for the boys to play today.

It was all I could do to hold myself together as I watched them hit a ball off a tee and run around the bases.

I still get emotional thinking about it now.

Unknowingly, the boys' therapists gave me the salve for my bleeding heart.

I so needed a reminder that while things may not be the way I pictured them, they are still pretty damn amazing.

I really do have so MUCH to be thankful for in my life.

A Quick This and That

So, as of yesterday, I was a week late.

Today I am not.

Except that this is one fierce AF. I am trying not to think anything about it, but...sigh. I wish it stayed away.

~~~

Nick Jr. has seriously ticked me off. Once again they changed their lineup and have thrown our routine to hell. (And don't judge that our routine is ruled by the television. Ahem)

In the place of a nice Yo Gabba, Gabba, which is the cue to my boys that bed awaits, they put some awful NickMom crap. At 7 pm.

Awesome. Not.

~~~

Jack walked independently today. Finally. I may have scared the shit out of him when I started to holler and jump all over the room was pretty excited to say the least. :-)

I am still going to postpone his 18 month well baby (scheduled for Friday) until the end of the month. I don't need the freaking stress over it. Fingers crossed that he'll be terrorizing the house by then, okay?

~~~

Lastly, I am totally traumatized over this. Totally. I will never look at pigs the same way again!