Cute Baby Saturday

What did people do before digital cameras? I mean, I know what people did (I can remember my mom having piles of film to develop. Sometimes the film would lie around for years before developing. We'd finally get the pictures and have no idea when they were even taken.), but man. I would miss the ability to take pictures of my family throughout the day. :-)

 

My boys is 15 months old today!
Holy cow.

Daddy tickling Sh.awn.

Jason 'testing his manhood'* with a new 'stache.

*When Is.aac and I were newlyweds, Is.aac decided to try to grow a mustache. It was a pitiful sight, really. He doesn't have much facial hair and that fact became painfull obvious as his mustache only grew in random spots on his upper lip. Every time my dad saw Is.aac he'd laugh hysterically and ask him if he was done 'testing his manhood.'

"I understand it, son," he'd say. "We've all done it." Is.aac would smile and tell him no. This exchange went on for weeks until Is.aac finally shaved. (Oh, that was a happy day for me!)

Friday Night Leftovers

Went to therapy on Wednesday and today. Both times Sh.awn had a different therapist, as his usual bitchy one is out on vacation. (Is.aac and I disagree on how to handle her, so we are I am passive agressively dealing with her until she leaves in August. Then I am writing a letter to her supervisor outlining my issues.) Anyway, it was such a different experience. There were no tears whatsoever. I now REALLY know it was his experience with the bitchy one that was a huge factor in his behavior. As much as I know I know my kid, now I have the validation that she is just bad.

~~~
Three books read so far. Not bad for only being out of school for two weeks. I have Fifty Shades of Grey to read next. I told Is.aac that someone described it as "mama porn" earlier this evening. He practically shoved the book into my hands and turned the pages for me. lol. I think he's hoping for some residual action when I finish.

~~~

The boys made english muffin pizzas tonight. It was so cute. They both made them exactly how they wanted them, which meant there were no complaints for dinner tonight. Win!

~~~

Ja.son fell while he was in the bathtub and busted his lip open. Ugh. I think it ended up looking a whole lot worse than it was, but I do admit to cringing when he said his teeth hurt. (Cathy, my thoughts immediately went to your experience with D.) He had stopped complaining about his teeth after about an hour. Hoping we dodged that bullet.

~~~

Sh.awn is still working on the potty training. The last two days have been pretty meh, but he consisitently goes several times a day. I do have to figure out a better reward than watching Team UmiZoomi, though. He wants to see the same one over and over and over and over. I am about ready to go crazy.

~~~

The other Highs and Lows from the week:

• Jack turns 15 months old tomorrow. Wow. High!
• I learned that I won't have to teach that class next year after all. I didn't specifically ask to not have to teach the class, so that was a pleasant surprise. High!
• I had to take the boys to the pediatrician for a well visit (I needed a new script for therapy-every 6 months). Two days later the big boys have been cranky and challenging and Jack has been super clingy. Got to love when the kids pick up cooties from the pediatrician. Low.
• I'm going out to dinner with some girl friends tomorrow night. High!
• My mom comes back next week. High!

Stop by Danifred's for more leftovers!

Friday Night Leftovers on Saturday (Again)

My first full week of summer is gone. I love summer. Seriously. I love it.

~~~

With all of the energy I'd normally spend at work, I am having so much fun playing and doing things with the boys. We haven't done anything super exciting, but the time we get to spend together is good nonetheless.

This is what I miss during the school year. Being together.

~~~

I'm just about through reading my second book. Go me! I may have to give myself a challenge to make sure I keep this up. It's too easy to get caught up in all the other stuff that needs to be done and forget how much joy this brings me.

~~~

We've had more therapy issues this week. To top it off, it's evaluation time, which is the fun procedure of medical "professionals" getting together to write down just how much they think sucks about my children. It's awesome. Not.

That place is going to drive me freaking insane.

Along with that, we finally got Ja.son's walker reordered. Yesterday. Because I had to repeatedly take out my angry face. AGAIN. Ugh.

~~~

In last week's leftovers, I wrote about being given a challenging class to teach next year. I was upset about being told that I get the class because I am doing my job and others in my department are not. The more I thought about that, the more upset I got. It is so frustrating when people get rewarded with an easier work load because they are not being held up to do their job. (Weak administrators will do that.)

Anyway, I wrote the principal a letter. She is a friend and was before she took the position, so I felt I needed to at least tell her how I felt and why. The response she wrote almost brought me to tears.

She made me feel heard and said what I wrote was exactly right. She wrote that she felt like she failed me because she was continuing a practice that had been going on at our school for far too long.

The problem is that this principal is now moving on to another school next year. She has offered to talk to the incoming principal (whom I also know) about the issue and said she will strongly recommend that the class be shifted to one of the slacker teachers.

So, we shall see what happens. At least I stood up for myself.

~~~

Jack is proving to be a tough cookie to crack when it comes to eating table food. He is refusing a lot of what I make for him. Then he hollers and is a crab because he's hungry.

It took the big boys so long to transition to table food. (We're talking at about 2 years.) I just assumed it was because they had some lingering sensory issues. Now I wonder if it isn't something I did that kept him from transitioning...

With Jack, there aren't any sensory issues, and I am still having trouble. He flat out knocks the food away and/or shakes his head no. Half the time, he won't even try something new, even the stuff I know he'd enjoy.

Hell. I don't even know how much I am supposed to be giving him! I miss the controlled portions of baby food. :(

It doesn't help that I don't enjoy cooking on a good day, and my cooking repertoire is pretty limited. (The big boys are still particular anyway, so it isn't as if I need to cook a wide variety for them because they just won't eat everything.)

Help me, please! Do you have any tips?

~~~

Other Highs and Lows of the week:

- Ja.son drew a picture of me. It is the cutest thing ever! (Maybe I'm biased, but it is.) High!
- Sh.awn continues to do well with the potty training. He isn't 100%, but he is still doing much better than I ever dreamed! High!
- Did I mention that the boys' evaluations are headed our way. I hate those stupid things with a passion. Low.
- The boys slept in to 8:30 am this morning. HIGH! lol
- The weather has been nice in the afternoons, so we've been heading outside a lot this week. The boys have conquered their fear of the slide. High!
- I told Is.aac to pick up a metal swing set from the store today. (even told him which one and where to go) Instead he got a bunch of wood and the idea that he'll fix a rotting wood swing set he got from a friend. My husband who doesn't do anything home improvement. Yeah. Now who knows if we'll ever have a swing set. If we do, will I feel comfortable allowing the boys to play on it?!  Low.

I guess that is all. I have a book calling my name, so I'm off to read.

~~~

Stop by Danifred's for more Leftovers.

Thank You, Leslie Brown

I read on MSN that Leslie Brown, the first woman to give birth after IVF, passed yesterday after a brief illness. She was 64.

I guess it's not surprising that I didn't know her name before this, as the news has always focused on her daughter, Louise, the "test tube" novelty, or the doctors, Dr. Patrick Steptoe and Dr. Robert Edwards, who developed the procedure and later earned a Nobel Prize. Leslie Brown's huge contribution as the mother to the first IVF baby* is almost seen as the inconsequential means to an end. She was just the incubator. No one cares about what she had to go through to have a baby, right?

I do.

I've thought of this woman and others like her while I was in the thick of my own cycles. The process of IVF is scary. The scans, medications to inject, retrievals and transfers, hoping and waiting--all of it is such an overwhelming undertaking both physically and mentally. And yet Leslie and women like her bravely marched into the unknown. I can imagine her determination...her need...to do whatever she could to have a baby.  After nine long years of struggle, that persistence to fulfill her desire for a family led her to courageously pioneer an incredibly invasive (and amazing) procedure.

Maybe Leslie Brown didn't think of it in those terms when she consented to IVF. Maybe she didn't question what she was about to do. Maybe she only thought of the end result and tried desperately to ignore the procedure that lay before her. I've felt my own desperation for children so I can certainly relate. (I'm sure many of us in the ALI world can.) The longer it took me to get and stay pregnant, the more intense my desire became, the more focused. Sometimes I think I would have done anything they said I could try.

I recognized that maybe we would all do something similar had we been in her place. I suppose when it comes to clinical trials and innovative techniques and procedures, women still are. However, there is something significant about Leslie Brown taking this huge leap of faith in her doctors and her dreams. She was the first proof IVF could actually work.

I am incredibly thankful to Leslie Brown. Without her paving the way, there might not be the technology needed to help me have my boys.

~~~

*Doctors had tried some 80 times before Leslie Brown was able to successfully maintain a pregnancy. My heart aches for those 80 women. I hope they were able to finally achieve parenthood. More info here.

A Tiny Glimpse

In the middle of all that laundry, I found my color. I almost didn't notice even.

Where you ask?

In my undies drawer of all places.

I knew I have been replacing all of my tired, old, white undies with new pretty designed ones. (Still cotton because I am not that wild.) With me being so far behind on my washing, I didn't realize just how many I had bought. I fell into a pattern of wash the three pack and then wear. Buy a few more. Repeat. Until whoa. There is color in my drawers.

There is something very telling about that, but I am not even going to go there and try to figure it out.

It made me feel so excited, though, to see the accumulation of color--almost like this was some confirmation that I am not totally lost in a sea of eternal blah. I might be grey on the outside, but on the inside, in the place that's most important, my color lives.


Now I need to learn how to nourish that color until it spreads to the rest of my world.
~~~

I have to do a shout out for my Sh.awn.

Due to lack of time and energy, I am just barely in the midst of potty training him. I admit that I was concerned that he was going to be a tough cookie to crack. He has a hard head and is difficult to sway when he sets his mind on something. (It's a good thing he looks so sweet. Good looks are nature's way to balance out his 'tude and ensure his life.* Ahem.)

Anyway, my boy has been pretty freaking amazing. He has some obstacles that makes things a bit more involved for me, but he is doing so well. He is not quite to completely trained, but he is getting very close.

I am one proud momma. :-)

*And no I wouldn't do anything to him. Good grief.

Grey

I count today as the first day of my summer, and I did what I would normally do when I have a break.

I did laundry. Thrilling stuff, I tell you. So much for my exciting life. But, I could put it off no longer as the pile of dirty clothes was embarrassingly high and I had only my "quitter" undies to wear. (And by "quitter," I mean the elastic is so worn they hardly stay up around my waist. These suckers have been driving me crazy all flipping day.)

While 70% 80% Ok 90% most of the clothes I own was washed, dried, and folded/hung in the closet, one thing became alarmingly clear. A lot of it is grey. There's black. There's white. But, most is grey.

I have very little that isn't one of those three colors. Even as I type this, I am wearing grey.

Once upon a time, in my younger years, my closet was filled with the colors of the rainbow. I wore lots of reds, blues, and greens.


I'm not even sure where those clothes went or when they disappeared. I do know it shocked me to see they're gone.

Is that what I am now? Am I some sort of grey force surrounded by vibrant beauty I'm not allowed to enjoy?

Someone who's become nothing more than neutral?

What a sad thought.

I'm happy. I know I am. But...

I don't dream like I once did.

I rein in my hopes.

I don't expect things to be sunshine and roses.

I don't have that feeling that things will only happen to someone else.

I have trouble not waiting for that other shoe to fall.

I don't think these thoughts intentionally, but they are there nonetheless. Slowly, in my effort to protect myself from the pain and turmoil that so easily finds my life, I've pushed away any chance for things that can bring in light and joy. I'm happy, sure, but my happiness is tempered with restrictions on what I allow myself to think and feel. When you look at things like that, maybe I am not as happy as I could be.


Some might question if I am really happy at all.


They say your wardrobe reflects you personality. Honestly, if I've made sure to keep my emotions even and not too far out on either extreme, it's no wonder that color is no longer a part of what I wear.


I have become grey.

~~~

This weekend I did something just for me. I read a whole book. I've haven't allowed myself the pleasure of tuning out the world and reading in what seems like a million years.

I can't tell you how jazzed it made me!

For so long I've put everyone and everything before myself. (Let's face it with everything thrown our way, to some extent I had no choice. You don't really think about doing things for yourself when keeping your head millimeters above water is your main focus.)

It was like a light was ignited.

To bring back my color, I need to remember me. It isn't very profound, but it's so important nonetheless.

Hello me. I look forward to getting to know you again.

It's been far too long.

~~~

Am I the only one to lose herself in this journey toward parenthood or in life in general?

~~~

“Don't wait until everything is just right. It will never be perfect. There will always be challenges, obstacles and less than perfect conditions. So what. Get started now. With each step you take, you will grow stronger and stronger, more and more skilled, more and more self-confident and more and more successful.”

~Mark Victor Hansen

Cute Kid Saturday

Pictures of the boys from this week. :-)

The big boys snuggling (sort of) on the couch.

I was in the living room with Jack. Came into the
kitchen to find them like this.

I have NO idea what they are doing.
They weren't arguing or angry with each other, so I guess
this was some sort of a game? IDK.

They thought it was funny and stayed like this
for a long time. Whatever floats their boats, I guess.

 

Jack on the left, Sh.awn on the right.
Jack is only about 6 inches shorter.
Sh.awn's height is average for his age.

Mr. Jack tonight before bed.

Oh, man do these boys melt my heart.

Friday Night Leftovers

(Done on my phone so forgive the typos, please!)

Today is my first official day if summer! I'm so excited to put some distance between myself and this last school year. It was a tough one for a number of reasons, so I am more than glad to let it go and begin anew in 10 or so weeks.

---

The only downside is that I'm spending today at the courthouse for jury duty. Ugh. I was, of course, among the first group selected to head up to an actual courtroom, but the judge dismissed me from that case because of hardship. (3 kids under 5 and primary caregiver) it's a good thing, too. They were selecting jurors for a drunk driving case with a fatality and well, that would have LOTS of triggers for me. Shit, a fatality car crash alone is a trigger for me. Add in the fact that my peeps have a history of drinking and doing stupid things and I wouldn't have been able to handle it.

Anyway, I've been sitting here watching all the "interesting" people ever since. Oh, and there is some woman several rows behind me hacking up a lung. Makes me a bit wigged that she's spreading her mutant germs in the air to contaminate the rest of us.

---

I read in the newspaper this week that they have an active case of TB at a local school. Over 300 people are now forced to get tested to ensure they are not also sick. That's all I can think about each time the person behind me goes at it again.

Paranoid much? Me? Ha!

---

The rest of the week's Highs and Lows:

- Is.aac bought me a box of candy this weekend. High!
- I finished the pound box off in 13 hours. Low.
- Was given a challenging class to teach next year because I "have strong management skills" and the other teachers don't. That translates to "we're giving you more work because you can handle it while we give the other teachers who already do nothing the excuse to continue to do nothing because we reward ineptitude" in vas you didn't know. Low.
- I'll get to go visit my two very good friends for lunch tomorrow! High!
- One o the friends was involved in the whole "low" issue above. I'm going to have to say something because I am still quite angry. Sigh. I hate it when business and friendship overlap and get hard. Low.
- Sh.awn broke his glasses on Wednesday. Low.
- We already had a spare set. High!
- Being at jury duty is giving me a chance to blog! High!
- My phone only has 20% life left. Low.

And with that I'll have to go. :-)

Stop by Danifred's for more leftovers!

Raising a Vampire or Something

(cross posted on the boys' blog)

Jack now officially has all of his teeth. So what does he do with them?

He bites, of course. And hard, too!

Here's my souvenir from tonight. He left me a love chomp on the shoulder. This picture was about two minutes after he did it. (It looks every prettier now--red, purple, and a bit raised.)

I would say that he learned his lesson from the stern no he received, but he went after my foot a few minutes later. I managed to escape his clutches before he connected.

Bite me once, shame on you. Bite me twice and I'm just stupid. Ahem.

On the bright side, it is good to see that his teeth are effective at their job. They should work just fine when he starts tearing into tri tip and chicken legs in the future.

By the way, this is one stage I'd like to fast forward through, thank you very much!

Enough

Sometimes Often I feel like I am not doing enough for the boys.

I feel guilty, worried that I am not on top of their appointments enough. I keep up on most things, but every once in a while, one slips through and I get that unexpected appointment reminder like I did tonight.

I don't have them exercise enough at home. Is there ever "enough" exercise for a body that is tight?

Or I focus too much on therapy and exercises and don't let them just be kids. There is a fine line before you sap all of the joy out of being a child and you cross over to correcting your child so much they begin to believe that they are not enough as they are and need to be "fixed."

I don't force issues with the therapists to maximize their appointments when we are there. I foolishly allow them to do whatever they want, whether I believe it to be effective or not. I don't call them on their lack of organization and discrepancies between what they say from one appointment to another. For a while, it was enough that I knew what was said and done. I remembered. It didn't matter to me that they couldn't get their act together. I'd learn from what they attempted and do it with the boys later. I realize now that the message my behavior sent was that they didn't need to get their act together.

If I don't state my expectations (even if it could be argued that I shouldn't have to state some of my expectations if people did their jobs), no one ever has to improve to meet them. It is not enough to bitch and complain without proactively trying to make things better.

But the questions that haunt me are how can I balance everything for each of them? Give each what he needs without sacrificing the needs of the others? Is that even possible?

There is so much to think about all the time. These questions are always at the back of my mind.

Is it too much?

Is it not enough?

What is enough and how will I know if I reached it?

I mean, surely if I did more, or at least was better at this parenting thing, we wouldn't continually run into obstacle after obstacle when it comes to their care. I'd be able to bypass all the frustrating phone calls and extra work needed to ensure that they are receiving the care they should.

Sometimes it's enough to remind myself that calling the medical community could easily become a full time job and I would still need to do more. That I have to work for our family's financial stability. That I need to work for my own mental health.

That my boys are happy and smart and THRIVING even if things are not perfect.

But the nagging thoughts remain. They break through to my consciousness, buzzing around in my head like a fly I can't shoo away.

I should be doing more.

More. That slippery quantity that you can never meet.

---

Parenting any child is hard work if it is done well. There is fun and love and guidance you must constantly provide.

It would be easier if I plopped my boys in front of the television and left it at that. And there are the days when that happens to some degree. (I am human!) I try to make my kids' lives richer than that. I try to be mindful of the fact that what I do shapes the people they become. It can be such a heavy responsibility sometimes.

I imagine all mothers worry about these things. While their realities may be different from mine, everyone has her own set of challenges.

I can't believe that I am the only parent to worry about being enough for her kids.

He Conquered the Slide

He still needs help getting up the steps, but once he's up, there is no stopping him!

1st time going down.

Watchful daddy's making sure all is well

"I've so got this, daddy! I'm outta here!"

It seems like a small thing for a 4 year old, but for us, this is HUGE. I am so proud of him!

Friday Night Leftovers

Still pretty upset about the whole therapy nonsense from Wednesday. It also ended up in a huge fight with Is.aac, ultimately because he and I process things in such very different ways. His reactions (or lack thereof) to events sometimes leave me feeling unsupported, even when in his head he agrees with me. Clearly we have moments where we are lacking in communication skills. The last few days have been among those moments. We talked a lot last night, which helped tremendously, but we are still in a sort of eggshell walking stage. It's been fun round these parts.
---

We finally got Ja.son's walker. There is a slight problem. You knew there would be, right? Sigh. The stupid thing is waaaaay too big. We're talking it's big enough for his therapist to fit in comfortably. Um, yeah.

People are giving us the run around about what will be done about it. We have an appointment to talk to the medical equipment supplier on Tuesday to discuss how he is going to fix this issue. (He better not even try to give us a hard time.)

I am so over issues happening every f-ing time.

Over.

It.
---

Some Other Highs and Lows:

• As of Thursday the 14th, at 11:15 am, I will be officially free for the summer! That means I have three and a half days left of school! - High!
• I have jury duty this week. I'm in group #084. They called group 001 for Monday. Please let me not have to go. This is not how I want to start my summer! - Low.
• I have lots of things planned for the summer. - High!
• One of which may be finally getting that tattoo I've waffled over for the last 4 years. - High!
• My mom will be leaving on Saturday for a three week trip to Michigan. Cue lots of anxiety on my part. The last time she went to Michigan, she came back with Lyme Disease and gave the boys Chicken Pox. Fun times. I hope she manages to stay tick/shingles free this time. - Low.
• Last July, I sent out a bunch of messages on FB looking for a long, lost childhood friend. She finally answered that message on Thursday! I am so excited to catch up with her. - High!
• I got Is.aac's Father's Day gift in the mail yesterday. It is too cute. Obviously, I am getting him the phone to go with it. :-) - High!
• Is.aac designed me a mother's necklace for Mother's Day. It is taking a lot longer than he thought to finish, but it is going to be beautiful when I get it. - High!
• I probably won't get it for another 3 weeks or so because Is.aac wasn't happy with their finished product and had them redo it. - Low and then High because as I already said, it is going to be beau-ti-ful when I do get it!

Stop by Danifred's for more Leftovers.

Therapy Rant

(done on my phone. Forgive the typos)

I tend to dread Wednesdays. It's the day I take the boys to therapy. Jason generally has an okay time while he's there. For the past Shawn has not.

Shawn is all smiles and excited about going to therapy. He asks to go most every day even though we only go twice a week. Well, actually, he is all smiles until we get to the parking lot. At that point he starts protesting by screaming. The screaming hits its peak once he sees his OT.

The screams can last the ENTIRE hour appointment (1/2 hour for OT and PT each) on some days. Most often, it is at least a fourth of the time we are there. It all depends on the success of his OT. When that goes better, the rest of the day goes better. When OT is for shit, the entire hour is lost.

It can be brutal and I never know how the day will go until we are there.

Sigh.

I have some issues with Shawn's OT. I feel she gives him babyish things to do, which he quickly dismisses. She rarely has a backup plan for working on a skill. If he doesn't want to do an activity, they just don't work on the skill at all. For instance, she wanted Shawn to work on his right wrist. She wanted him to pour water out of a container and water some plants. His right arm is his weaker, less coordinated arm. Yet what does she choose to use as a container?

A water filled coffee pot. When he couldn't hold it because it was too heavy, he wanted no part of her activity. She had nothing else to use for him to pour with. So he screams. There went a good 20 minutes of wasted time on a useless activity. Things like that happen all the time.

I have seen her as a necessary evil. There are really no other options for us for different therapists, so changing therapists is out. She doesn't help us, but I can at least get ideas of what I can do with him at home.

Shawn's OT has misquoted me on evaluations, so I don't trust talking to her. She has told me that she thinks I need to get Shawn behavior therapy because of his outbursts while there. I don't trust leaving her alone with him either.

I can't see why he needs behavior therapy when the issue is at therapy. I told her such. He has outbursts at home on occasion, but he's 4. 4 year olds do that.

But the thing that has pushed me over the edge is that she said to me today that Shawn screams because he is putting on a a show for me. She asked me to leave the area, "if i didn't mind", where they were working.

Oh holy hell did I mind.

Isn't it funny that she failed to consider that she may be the reasons for the screams.

I feel somewhat defeated. Therapy is supposed to make things better for him and our family. It is not. If anything, I'm worried that she may be making him resistant to therapy in general.

I think Shawn is not going to have OT for a few months. New therapists come to the clinic in August.

What a bitch, right?

Friday Night Leftovers

At work, things have officially moved to a ten on the crazy scale. We have ten days of school left.

I.can't.wait.

As much as I love my students, I am so ready for this group to move on to high school.

---

A dear friend passed away this week. She had been ill for quite some time, but it was still a blow to get the news.

She was an amazing woman with a beautiful voice. She even sang at my wedding.

My heart is heavy right now.

---

I found out yesterday (via text) that a friend of mine is gay and that she's been in a long time relationship with another friend. She was so worried what I'd think.

What I'd think? As if what I think should matter to her.

I gave her a virtual hug and told her that I am honored that she felt safe enough to tell me. I'm glad she has someone to be happy with. It doesn't matter what way that happiness comes! All that matters is that the happiness comes.

If I am honest, I will admit that I "sort of" knew, and by sort of I mean as much as you can know something when it is never really talked about in the open. But really, once I had that light bulb moment of realization, I never really thought about it again.

Hopefully someday soon, who you are in a relationship with won't be something that people are afraid to talk about. All that will matter is that two people are in love.

---

I got the strangest call from the Children's Hospital Wednesday. The left a message that Sh.awn had an appointment at the Orthopedic Clinic on Friday. This was news to me. I'd never talked to this office before.

I finally got through to the department this morning. The conversation with them left me even more confused. This was a two-week follow up for an appointment we had on May 18.

Um, we've never been there.

They sort of freaked out at that. They put me on hold for a good five minutes while they tried to figure out what happened.

The conclusion was that they called the wrong family. Um...

WTF?

This miscommunication raises a lot of concerns for me and does not instill a lot of confidence in the Children's Hospital.

---

Stop by Danifred's for more Leftovers.