Where's Is.aac?

So what do you think? I have some tinkering to do, and there are a few other things to finish up, but I love the new look. I hope you do, too. :-)

Thank you so much, April!

The images that represent the boys crack me up--the big boys as Super Boys...flying around in those glasses, the baby with his Super Strength--they make me smile. They remind me how incredibly amazing my guys are. To me, they are Super Boys. All of them.

I had to laugh, though. It seems that someone wondered what happened to Is.aac. And you're right, he isn't represented in the header.

Yes, he is a huge part of my life. Yes, he is part of the team around this place.

It's okay. I actually talked to him about it. His thought was that it was my blog--my place to vent and get it all out. I offered to add him if it upset him. He didn't think I needed to do that.

"Stac, you can't juggle me. I'm too big."

Um...that's right. He is too big for me to juggle. Lol.

Besides, unlike with the family blog, he has very little to do with this space.

Let's face it. He has only ever read a handful of posts when I've asked him to do so. He is pretty much hands off when it comes to my personal blog.

So there you go.

P.S. I am sorry that you may need to update your readers. I'm not sure if it will automatically update there with the new URL.

I Never Knew

There so much about having a baby I never knew, so much that our past experience hid and prevented me from enjoying and living.

These eleven days with baby Ja.ck have highlighted all those little things we missed. Contrary to what I thought, instead of feeling a sense of healing and peace from a typical birth experience, the pain from the boys' early days has come flooding back.

I didn't know what it was like to announce that I had a baby and have people genuinely happy because of the birth. With the boys, not many people bothered to tell us congratulations; those who did held a look of fear in their eyes when they said it. There wasn't joy at the announcement of Sh.awn's and Ja.son's births, only sadness.

I didn't know how everyone would flood to the hospital to visit and celebrate the new life. After the boys were born, I was there for two weeks, yet I had no visitors outside of my mom. People didn't know what to say, so they stayed away. During the 15 excruciatingly long NICU weeks, only a handful of people ever got to see the boys in person, and that includes close family members.

I didn't know what it was like for me to be the focus of the medical profession, to have many more checks and visits from doctors and nurses than the baby did, or to be the one with the wires and tubes. The baby had a daily weight check and a few temperature checks. That is it. Blows my mind.

I didn't really know what it was like to stare at my baby's face as he slept...

with the freedom to hold him for as long as I wanted without eyes and monitors scrutinizing my every move...

to not have to ask for permission to even touch him.

I didn't know what it was like to feel the immediate connection with my baby. It took me weeks months to really bond with Sh.awn and Ja.son. It has taken me years to forgive myself for that. If I am honest, maybe I never have...

I didn't really know that a newborn displays a whole host of emotions on his face while he sleeps. (I love watching his face change as he sleeps. Oh my, he is such a handsome boy.) There was always something obstructing my view of the twins; I missed seeing much of the their faces for months.

I didn't know what it was like to not live in a constant state of overwhelming fear.

I didn't really know how HUGE a mere eleven weeks and one day would be to the health of a baby,

that the reality we lived for so, so long was that extreme.

How could I know?

This week has been hard not because Ja.ck is a challenge (he isn't), or because I am sleep deprived (which is to be expected), or even because I am battling some sort of bug.
This week has been hard because I am struggling with the unfairness of it all--of how I still hate that the big boys didn't get an easier start to life, of how things could have been...maybe should have been. It makes me sad actually.

The "loss" of that time is heightened, haunting me.

I didn't really know how much prematurity had stolen from all of us.

Yes, I imagine that some of these feelings are compounded by the hormonal changes I'm experiencing. Some of it is guilt's ugly head rearing again even though I have tried over and over again to knock that beast to the ground.

But a lot of it, I think, is that I didn't really know.

When I didn't really know what others experience, somehow I didn't feel like I missed out on so much. I fooled myself into believing that our experience couldn't have been all that different than everyone else. A baby is a baby, right?

Sure, it was obvious to some degree that what we went through during those days was a far cry from "normal" even for a preemie birth.

But, I didn't really know.

Now that I do, it just plain hurts all the more.

Part 2 - Un-Setting My Heart (I Didn't Forget!)

Part 2:

I have been thinking about transforming my mind a lot lately. My kids deserve it. My husband deserves it. And most importantly, I deserve a break from all of the ugliness I placed on myself. It doesn't change what has happened one bit. All this new way of thinking is doing, really, is changing my reaction to what happened.

It takes effort, I admit. I am still tempted to go to the Dark Place when given the chance. I have to consciously force myself to stop. (As an aside, it is scary how often that negativity permeated my thoughts so much of my day. Sigh.)

---

Now that life didn't turn out how I had planned, the next step is to un-set my heart from needing it all to be the way I imagined. That's easier said than done. I guess I need to work on realizing that I can and do have now (or the opportunity for) a version of everything I have listed on the last post.

I never really thought about it like that.

I don't have to drop my expectations, just redefine them to something workable with the life we have now...

...to have baby making be as easy for us as it seems to be for so many other people. It doesn't really matter to me how we got pregnant. In fact, this isn't the right word but it is as close as I can come up with right now, I am proud that we were able to face what we did and survive. So, I suppose I should focus on the fact that I can make a baby. I have wonky tubes. That is what it is. But, with medical help, I can and do get pregnant. 5 times in fact. And it seems, with medical help, I can stay pregnant. (please don't let me jinx myself with that comment) Redefined: Baby making is easier for us than it is for some other people.

...to take home my babies straight from the hospital when they are born. I do feel like I missed out on the experience of bringing a newborn baby home. But, if I am looking for plus sides, the boys came home fully scheduled. I didn't go through the whole trying to get them to sleep through the night bit other parents of newborns deal with once they had been home for a few weeks. Who knows? Maybe I'll get a chance to do that this time. If I am honest with myself right now, I have to admit that the idea of having a newborn home within days of birth is terrifying to me now. What will I do with one of those? Redefined: The important thing is to take the babies home. It doesn't matter when.

...to have healthy children. The boys are healthy! They are smart. They are funny. Sure, they don't walk yet, but I believe they will get there. They are smart as whips; both can count to at least 15 without missing numbers and know their ABC's. They both can identify their letters and some numbers. They can both speak in full on sentences! Redefined: I have amazing boys!

...to be able to play ball with my kids outside. I think with this one, I imagine the boys playing baseball or football, while I am the typical "soccer mom." All of that is a bit hard to do when your kids don't walk, which makes it hard to be typical. I think I need to work on redefining this one. What I need to be aware of is that I have this fear that people are going to judge my boys. That fear makes me feel like I can't or shouldn't do things as a way of protecting them. (Don't let this make you think we don't do things. We do loads of things outdoors! I just worry about this anyway.) Redefined: I am able to play outside with my kids!

...to feel connected to and loved by my husband. This one is interesting. I am quite sure that the distance I feel right now is self imposed. I've blocked myself off from him. I've made lack of connecting to him something scary...the connection was something to lose. To remedy the fear, in my head it made sense to break the connection myself before he could break it for me. (Sigh. Such a warped head I have.) I understood what I was doing some time ago but couldn't find a way or the will to change what was going on back then. Now, I am ready. Redefined: I am loved by my husband and as connected to him as I allow myself to be. To add to that, the more energy I put into my relationship with him, the happier I will be.

...to be blissfully unaware of the bad things life can bring. Being aware that life is not all rainbows and sunshine isn't necessarily a bad thing. I think this knowledge has made me a more sensitive person toward others. I think it's also allowed me to truly recognize the important things in life. I don't worry about as many of the small things anymore. That has been a blessing for sure. Redefined: The awareness that bad things can occur has allowed me to really recognize what is important.

...to live normally and have a family like everyone else. What is normal? How great is everyone else's life? This one is just plain dumb. Redefined: Live true to ourselves and what makes us happy--whatever that may look like. Everyone else be damned!

This seems like a good place to end for the night. I'll be back soon with the last of my expectations redefined.

To be continued...

One of Those Days

Today has been one of those days. It is so hard to be optimistic and hopeful. The all consuming emotions of trying to cycle have completely overwhelmed me. I am just so, so tired of it all.

I've been waiting all day for the results of today's blood draw. I went in at 9 am this morning, but didn't get the results until I called a little bit ago. It is so frustrating. E2 was 155 today-lower, but not low enough to start. (Does anyone else see the irony here? I have to have my levels low, yet all they are going to do is put me back on fucking estrogen to increase my levels. It is all so stupid.) And now, after all this hurry up and wait, I have to go back on Monday for a scan and more blood work while we try to chase the estrogen levels down low enough before we start increasing them again.

It is getting hard to justify all the time I am missing from work. It is getting harder and harder to come up with vague reasons for all the time I'm gone. I am feeling guilty about it, but I can't figure out what else to do.

Maybe all of this is a sign that this is not the right month. Maybe this is telling me to stop and breathe. Maybe when it is the right time to cycle, it shouldn't be this...hard.

So, I called the clinic back and told them I am pulling out this month. I clarified with them about what I'll be able to do or not do in December, and it seems that I should be able to do blood work and scans (even if the blood work is somewhere else if need be), I just won't be able to get to the embryos until after January 5th. That is fine. I wouldn't be ready to transfer before that time anyway.

Theoretically I'll be able to get a few scans/blood draws done while I am on my two week break. I won't have to miss work for them. I can make Is.aac meet me in the parking lot to watch the boys while I go in. No lying. No guilt. No harm. No foul.

It is neat little package, right?

Too bad my heart can't see that.

Today I am sad about all of this. This is the song that I heard going to the clinic today. It's been on my mind ever since.

The Climb by: Alexander, J; Mabe, J

"I can almost see it
That dream I am dreaming
But there's a voice inside my head saying
'You'll never reach it'

Every step I'm taking
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking

But I gotta keep trying
Gotta keep my head held high

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

The struggles I'm facing
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down
But no, I'm not breaking

I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I'm gonna remember most, yeah
Just gotta keep going

And I, I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Somebody's gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't It's about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

Keep on moving, keep climbing
Keep the faith, baby
It's all about, it's all about the climb
Keep the faith, keep your faith, whoa"

Tomorrow I'll pick myself up and move on. Tonight I'm just going to sing my song and be sad.


.

Okay, Universe. This Is Getting Old.

Scan went well; lining looks great. There is enough time to cycle, and my FET (what the hell, what is the worst that can happen with a FET?) would be the week of the 15th.

So why the title?

E2 was at 265, too high to start today. I go back in on Friday for another attempt, but well, I am not holding my breath. The nurse said that if the numbers were what they were looking for, and what those magic numbers are I don't know, then we'd start the cycle then. I know if I get my hopes up, things will most certainly not work in my favor. That is just how things roll around here. So, I am focusing on it not working and giving myself the chance to be pleasantly surprised. Or something.

---

I took the boys to their pediatrician to get their h1n1 vaccinations after the RE appointment. (That was surprising because they said they weren't going to get them and had referred me to the county's public health agency for them.) Anyway, the boys got their shots, but they wouldn't vaccinate me. The nurse practitioner kept saying they only had a specific number of doses with no extras. Blah blah blah. Coincidentally, there was a public health h1n1 clinic happening today not far from the pediatrician's office anyway, so I and picked up my mom before heading over there. An hour and a half later, we were vaccinated. It only bothers me slightly--or more than slightly--that Is.aac got his vaccination in just under 10 minutes a little bit ago, but whatever. We at least are able to check that threat off the list.

---

Ja.son had an appointment with an othotist today also. He'll most likely be getting orthotics to correct his rather pronounced pronation. The expectation is that with these he'll be able to master the balance issues preventing him from walking unassisted. The problem is that the freaking things cost $1300! Insurance may cover the cost, but it isn't guaranteed because he has no official "label." I am hoping my wit and charm will work their magic on the poor unsuspecting insurance person and this is a non issue.

What? I can be nice when I want to be. Ahem.

---

So that is today in a nut shell.

The FET is on hold until better estrogen numbers hopefully on Friday.

The boys, my mom, Is.aac, and I are all vaccinated against the h1n1 virus.

Ja.son will get yet another device to wear. Bleh.

Oh, and I am trying to keep singing my song as loud as I can. Even if the worst happens and I don't cycle this month (or next), it's all gonna be be okay. Every little thing gonna be okay...

"'Cause every little thing gonna be all right." Still singing...still hoping.

Scan and day 2 blood work tomorrow at 9:30. We shall see.

Still alive, just feeling quiet and unsettled. I hate that feeling.

There's a possibility that AF is on her way either tomorrow or Tuesday as I started spotting today. It is about time, but I am not sure if that will give me enough time to cycle this month because of the stupid lab closure. (still finding it hard to be sympathetic about that!) If not, I should start my next period right in the middle of the lab being closed so I don't know if a cycle is possible in December either. I'm trying not to worry about it until I can find out more details. Trying is the key word there--trying but not necessarily succeeding.

To help, I have made this my theme song for the next couple of days...



Bob Marley — Three Little Birds

"Don't worry about a thing,
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right.
Singin': "Don't worry about a thing,
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right!"

Rise up this mornin',
Smiled with the risin' sun,
Three little birds
Pitch by my doorstep
Singin' sweet songs
Of melodies pure and true,
Sayin', ("This is my message to you-ou-ou:")

Singin': "Don't worry 'bout a thing,
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right."
Singin': "Don't worry (don't worry) 'bout a thing,
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right!"

Rise up this mornin',
Smiled with the risin' sun,
Three little birds
Pitch by my doorstep
Singin' sweet songs
Of melodies pure and true,
Sayin', "This is my message to you-ou-ou:"

Singin': "Don't worry about a thing, worry about a thing, oh!
Every little thing gonna be all right. Don't worry!"
Singin': "Don't worry about a thing" - I won't worry!
"'Cause every little thing gonna be all right."

Singin': "Don't worry about a thing,
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right" - I won't worry!
Singin': "Don't worry about a thing,
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right."
Singin': "Don't worry about a thing, oh no!
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right!

No Surprise

Negative.

Blah. In true die hard ttc'er fashion, I asked the nurse if I can start cycling again when AF arrives. I don't even care how it happens--fresh or frozen. How sad is that? I just want to see an end to all of this shit (with a real, live baby at the end of course).

I am waiting for the RE to call to talk about options. At the very least I'll call them should my AF arrive before he contacts me. After my two first miscarriages, I bled approximately 4 days after I stopped PIO. Hopefully, this time around will be the same, although the nurse said it could take anywhere from 2 to 12 days with progesterone levels as high as mine are. It would be nice if AF arrived on Friday so I can go in for scans and blood work on the weekend and not miss work, but I won't be picky.

You know what? That's crap. I am going to be picky.

I declare AF to be here on Friday. Hear that universe? **shakes fist at the sky**

I also hope that my "great" estrogen levels drop quickly as well. (anyone know how quickly that happens? my levels were over 1200) If my estrogen isn't low enough on day 2/3, they'll want to put me on the pill or make me wait.

Damn it, I am tired of waiting! **shakes fist at the sky again!**

Oh, and let's not forget the wrinkle that the lab will be closed the week before and week after Christmas. Ahem. I am all for vacations for people who work hard and all, but I lose a little sympathy when it interferes with my ever present planning.

I'm a bitch, what can I say?

But, should the universe listen and bring AF on Friday, AND make sure my estrogen is nice and low by the blood work day, AND let's throw in make sure that I have no cysts for scan day, then I have PLENTY of time to cycle before the lab closes.

Crisis solved.

A girl's gotta have a plan, or she'll go crazy.

---

I am mostly okay about the negative. I am sad and angry, but I expected this. Yesterday really helped me, I think. Thank you for all your kind words. They really mean so much.

This morning, as I walked through the garage to the washer and dryer to do yet another load of the boys' laundry, I glanced around and became incredibly sad. Much like my mind, the garage has been living in a place of waiting. Everywhere were remnants of babydom...

You see, over these last two years, I had carefully placed the boys' things out there...like little ghosts, covered and waiting until I'd get the chance to use them again. I haven't been able to get rid of much because there was always the hope that sometime soon I'd need it again. Swings and bouncers, car seats and extra bases, exersaucers and clothing--I kept it all.

I had tucked things as far out of the way as I could, but you can imagine the amount of gear that had amassed. Add to that tons of empty boxes (man, kid toys come in far too much packaging) that needed to be cut down for recycling and other such random things, and well, it was getting bad.

Today was the time to purge and hopefully quiet some of that anticipation. I cried a little while I worked, finally releasing some of the frustrated tears that have been pent up this week. It is so sad and makes me so angry that the stuff needed to be packed rather than brought into the house. But, it's been over a year that we've been trying for number three now, so this need to be done.

In the end, boxes and bags of things I couldn't/didn't want to part with were placed high up in the rafters. I have piles to send to my girlfriend who just had a baby and to the good will. When/if (please let it be "if") the time comes, the stuff will still be there ready to use after a little cleaning. Until then, it feels good to know that those reminders are no longer there to haunt me.

---

Tomorrow (Monday) is my beta. I'll be skipping my lunch and prep period to head down to the clinic at 12:30, so I don't expect to hear the confirmation until 3 or 4. Hopefully, the RE will call tomorrow night like he usually does, and I can ask him what he thinks about the next cycle. Then I just get to wait for AF.

Fun.

A Letter to Aunt Flo

Dear period,

Would you kindly make your appearance so I can get this whole FET show on the road? I am going crazy. You are usually quite regular and show every 28 days. Yes, I know that this cycle has been quite different from the others, but you managed to arrive ON TIME exactly 28 days after I delivered TWINS, even while I was trying to breastfeed. I didn't want you then. Being period free was supposed to be a perk of childbirth. But, no. There you were. (and I'm still a little upset about the whole thing, but I digress)

Now that I want you, you hide. Bitch. Come on, already. It has now been 35 days. Thirty-five!

Plus all the taunting with the whole cramping off and on for days is getting old. Just start. Now. Jeez.

Thank you,

Stacie

***and no, the cramping isn't the "my uterus is stretching because I'm pregnant" kind of cramping. It's the whole "my period is starting any moment" kind. Lovely.

It Could Be Worse

In many ways, I am doing better. The dreams have stopped. I am sleeping (when I am not buried in sick children). All the activity of a new school year is agreeing with me I guess.

On the day of the last ultrasound, after I had spoken to the RE about what he wanted me to do, I had to meet with a nurse to get prescriptions, etc. While with her, she made the off handed comment that she was glad that if this was going to happen, it happened when it did because it would be "so much worse" later. I just accepted what she said without comment then. Shock and heartbreak will do that to you. Now it makes me upset to think about her words. How could she possibly know what would be worse to me? Why couldn't she understand that this was worse no matter when it happened?

Then, a colleague recently told me that she was so glad that things are going well, because it could be so much worse. The whole conversation left a bad taste in my mouth. Partly because I don't really care for the person I heard this from, and partly because I actually hate that saying--"it could be worse."

So while I am doing better, I am still left with this slow burning anger, which is centered around that idea of "it could be worse." I believe (hope) this, too, will work itself out as more distance develops between our lives and the latest round of crises.

Sure, from the logical standpoint, things could be worse. My boys could not be here. That would be worse. The troubles they face could be greater. That would be worse. In the scheme of things, I suppose we did get off "easy" in some people's view, especially to those who do have it "worse."

But that is where the anger comes...I hate that it is my family that this whole "it could be worse" idea is used. Sh.awn has had a recent surgery, which appears to have been successful so far. (except for his eyes) It could be worse--that surgery could have been unsuccessful or could have caused an infection, although we have to wait a full year to no longer worry about the infection risk.

Yeah, it could be much worse, unless you remember that for us, it already is. We have to deal with the threat of surgeries for the rest of our lives. Of shunt malfunctions. Of developmental delays. Of gross motor skill delays. Of possible pregnancies and miscarriages. Of that unknown future and what can happen.

Our (my) ideal dream that every parent has when he or she hears there is a pregnancy is gone. That picture of a perfect life with perfect children was shattered for us. For us, a pregnancy does not equal children. A pregnancy can and does equal miscarriage. A pregnancy can and does equal high risk and bed rest, and PPROM, and NICU stays. That is worse. It is there that we got cheated.

It makes me so angry at the unfairness of it all.

Don't get me wrong. I know I will be pregnant again** (it's the sticking that makes me nervous).

And I soak up the beauty that is my boys every single day. I am amazed at them and their strength. We are blessed that they are here and I love them with every ounce of my being. I will fight until I have nothing left, against anything and everything that tries to get in the way of my boys being happy and healthy. We are happy. And right now, we are healthy. (minus this cold from hell, but colds don't count) And, on most days and at most moments, I am VERY optimistic about what their future holds.

Still, today I am angry. I hate that I know exactly how fragile health is and that things could be so much worse for us. I am angry because I know that worse is still a possibility for us.

I am angry because I can't just go back to that life of blissful ignorance, no matter how much I want it.

Sigh. I guess, though, it could be worse.

**How egotistical is that? I hope I didn't jinx myself with that line.

Letter to the Universe - Part 2

Dearest universe,

I see you are having trouble understanding what I meant by my last letter. First, let me recap some things that have happened over the last few days:

1. The cramps? They produced absolutely nothing as far as a period goes. Apparently, you just enjoy inflicting pain on poor, unsuspecting women with a lot on their plate. You are quite the sadist, aren't you?
2. Mt. Vesuvius was joined by a friend on Tuesday, giving me the pleasure of starting the new school year with TWO ugly blemishes on my chin. WTF? I haven't had a breakout like this since I was a teenager.
3. Both boys have the cold from hell and want to be held all night long. By me. At the same time. I think I have had approximately 8 hours of sleep since Monday. If that. Let's just say that the lack of sleep is starting to show.

Now, maybe I need to put this another way, huh? Perhaps I was too nice, and you need the more forceful approach. So, let me try this again...

Stop fucking with me, dear universe, so I won't have to fuck with you. Because I have to tell you, I am in the mood to fight if all this drama doesn't stop soon.

That has to be plain enough for even the simplest of minds (not that I am calling you simple, universe, because we all know you are far from that.) It is clear and to the point.

I want peace. I want things to be quiet and calm. I want sleep. And damn it, I WANT IT NOW!

Got that? Good. Ahem.

Regards,

Stacie

Letter to the Universe - Part 1

A little station break here:

Dear Universe,

Yes. I'm talking to you. Seriously. Couldn't you make at least one thing easy for me? I mean, you've kicked us around quite a bit lately. Even though I have to say that my psyche is showing a little damage from the whole ordeal, I have been picking up the pieces. It is taking a little longer than it has in the past, granted, but still I am getting there. Then you go and

1. give me the most intense menstrual cramps today. Could it be the start of a period? Because you know, that would be lovely timing for a FET.
2. transplant Mount Vesuvius on my chin. A big fat blemish is the best way to make a great first impression for all the junior high kids--should make them feel right at home with me, right? and
3. make not one but both of my children sick with snotty noses and coughs, with a little fever thrown in for shits and giggles.

Enough all ready. It is time for you quit fucking with me. I am done. And, in case you are wondering, yes, it was the pimple that threw me over the edge. That was just cruel.

Sincerely,

Stacie

Okay, back to our regularly scheduled programming.

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year?

I've got so much on my mind, but the words are no where to be found. Story of my life at the moment...another 'so near yet so far' kind of thing.

Usually, I feel like this when the new school year rolls around. I am the happy parent excitedly shopping to get ready for the kids. Not this year. School starts tomorrow; the kids start on Tuesday, but I have hardly done anything to get ready for it. Well, I set up my room last week with the bare minimum. I have yet to plan a darn thing. That should be interesting, seeing how I have 5 different preps this year (every class I teach is a different level, grade, and/or subject). Looks like tomorrow will be busy.

It feels like I have lost my mojo. Anyone find some to spare lying around someplace?

Maybe the activity will be good for me--help break me out of my funk? Sure hope so.

These Things Are Good

These things are good...

• seeing my babies smile when I walk into the room
• hearing them call me "momma"
• snuggling with my husband in bed
• eating chocolate
• reading a good book
• wrapping myself in a warm blanket straight from the dryer
• playing in the sprinkler
• watching the clouds float overhead
• seeing a sun catcher's rainbows all over the floor
• living my life

These things are a drag...

• hydrocephalus
• miscarriages and bleeding
• fetching glasses thrown across the room over and over
• soggy french fries
• nightmares and sleepless nights
• summer ending
• and sometimes, living my life.

I have decided that I am totally unprepared to go to work. Mentally, I am still in a pretty severe state of denial. Where the hell did my summer go, and why don't I feel like I had a break? Physically, after just two days of sitting through some leadership meetings, I could sleep for a week. I am utterly exhausted. I need to get my shit together quick like, or I am going to be useless when school starts!

I am sure it doesn't help that I am still bleeding pretty heavily, and have been since Sunday night. (I am ready for that part of the process to be done. Hell, I am ready for all of this process to be done.) I probably should start taking my iron pills again. I have a tendency to be anemic, something I've dealt with all my life, so it isn't too far out of the realm of possibilities that I am now.

Thank you for playing along and posting things to celebrate. I have enjoyed reading the happy things that are happening in your lives. It makes me more determined to continue to find things in my own life to celebrate.

Today, I am celebrating:

*I have a great track record for getting pregnant from my ivfs. I've gotten pregnant for each one. This gives me great hope for my upcoming FET. People, I am determined that this is going to happen for us!

*I was asked to advise another student teacher this trimester. I'll be the only master teacher at our school site this term. Apparently, if I wasn't able to take on the student teacher, the university advisor was just going to place the person somewhere else. (Shhh...My ego is all puffed up right now)

*Ja.son has a fever. Fevers are good. It means that he threw up for some reason other than because of his head. Hey, I take what ever I can get nowadays.

*I still have ten glorious days of summer vacation left!

*Sh.awny rocked in therapy today. He was working on moving from squatting to standing without holding. I love watching him--his drive is amazing. :-)

I'd love it if you kept playing, and let us know what you have to celebrate this weekend. I think I need to make myself a button and make this celebration thing a regular part of my life. Now I just need to figure out how to do that...

So, today I took a shower. It isn't so much that I took a shower that is important, rather it is the fact that I wanted to take a shower. This, people, is progress. Progress is good.

I guess.