I've been waiting all day for the results of today's blood draw. I went in at 9 am this morning, but didn't get the results until I called a little bit ago. It is so frustrating. E2 was 155 today-lower, but not low enough to start. (Does anyone else see the irony here? I have to have my levels low, yet all they are going to do is put me back on fucking estrogen to increase my levels. It is all so stupid.) And now, after all this hurry up and wait, I have to go back on Monday for a scan and more blood work while we try to chase the estrogen levels down low enough before we start increasing them again.
It is getting hard to justify all the time I am missing from work. It is getting harder and harder to come up with vague reasons for all the time I'm gone. I am feeling guilty about it, but I can't figure out what else to do.
Maybe all of this is a sign that this is not the right month. Maybe this is telling me to stop and breathe. Maybe when it is the right time to cycle, it shouldn't be this...hard.
So, I called the clinic back and told them I am pulling out this month. I clarified with them about what I'll be able to do or not do in December, and it seems that I should be able to do blood work and scans (even if the blood work is somewhere else if need be), I just won't be able to get to the embryos until after January 5th. That is fine. I wouldn't be ready to transfer before that time anyway.
Theoretically I'll be able to get a few scans/blood draws done while I am on my two week break. I won't have to miss work for them. I can make Is.aac meet me in the parking lot to watch the boys while I go in. No lying. No guilt. No harm. No foul.
It is neat little package, right?
Too bad my heart can't see that.
Today I am sad about all of this. This is the song that I heard going to the clinic today. It's been on my mind ever since.
The Climb by: Alexander, J; Mabe, J
"I can almost see it
That dream I am dreaming
But there's a voice inside my head saying
'You'll never reach it'
Every step I'm taking
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking
But I gotta keep trying
Gotta keep my head held high
There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose
The struggles I'm facing
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down
But no, I'm not breaking
I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I'm gonna remember most, yeah
Just gotta keep going
And I, I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on
There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Somebody's gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't It's about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb
Keep on moving, keep climbing
Keep the faith, baby
It's all about, it's all about the climb
Keep the faith, keep your faith, whoa"
Tomorrow I'll pick myself up and move on. Tonight I'm just going to sing my song and be sad.
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7 comments:
I think it's a good idea to take a "break" new year new start right?!
Enjoy your Christmas and new year with you awesome little miracles and move forth after... sounds good to me..
I'll sing with you, catch your tears, and supply the goodies to help lessen the pain.
Sometimes we just have to be sad. Do what you need to do to make yourself feel a little bit better. Sending you lots of love, hon.
*HUGS*
hi ----------- i like the other song better.
take some time away - i think that's good. you shouldn't have to justify for anyone - can't you just say doctor appt? is there a lab that opens at 6am in your area?
let's go to disneyland!
hugs!!
jul
I have never really listened to the words to that song before. Great song.
Oh honey if we could only see what it is we were meant to do.
I can look back now and see that waiting to have our kids was the best thing for us. We have a large group of us that have kids around the same ages. We moved to a better neighborhood. I mean. I suppose it's just my way of justifying it.
It didn't stop me from trying for the next 4-5 years. and it certainly didn't change what was going to happen.
But I sure would have liked to have known.
Our hearts can't wrap around that though. waiting. they seem to be driven by some maternal clock inside of us.
I don't know what the answer is Stace....but we are all here for you. To cheer, to wait, to kick the dog and swear.
Big hugs ! and lots of encouragement for whatever you decide to do.
Oh honey...lots of love and {{{hugs}}} coming your way. It is okay to be a bit sad. It is hard and damned frustrating to have to fight so hard for something that comes easily to so many.
Hugs to you! I think your heart will tell you what is the "right" decision. Whatever that might be I will be here cheering you on!
C
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