Part 2 - Un-Setting My Heart (I Didn't Forget!)

Part 2:

I have been thinking about transforming my mind a lot lately. My kids deserve it. My husband deserves it. And most importantly, I deserve a break from all of the ugliness I placed on myself. It doesn't change what has happened one bit. All this new way of thinking is doing, really, is changing my reaction to what happened.

It takes effort, I admit. I am still tempted to go to the Dark Place when given the chance. I have to consciously force myself to stop. (As an aside, it is scary how often that negativity permeated my thoughts so much of my day. Sigh.)

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Now that life didn't turn out how I had planned, the next step is to un-set my heart from needing it all to be the way I imagined. That's easier said than done. I guess I need to work on realizing that I can and do have now (or the opportunity for) a version of everything I have listed on the last post.

I never really thought about it like that.

I don't have to drop my expectations, just redefine them to something workable with the life we have now...

...to have baby making be as easy for us as it seems to be for so many other people. It doesn't really matter to me how we got pregnant. In fact, this isn't the right word but it is as close as I can come up with right now, I am proud that we were able to face what we did and survive. So, I suppose I should focus on the fact that I can make a baby. I have wonky tubes. That is what it is. But, with medical help, I can and do get pregnant. 5 times in fact. And it seems, with medical help, I can stay pregnant. (please don't let me jinx myself with that comment) Redefined: Baby making is easier for us than it is for some other people.

...to take home my babies straight from the hospital when they are born. I do feel like I missed out on the experience of bringing a newborn baby home. But, if I am looking for plus sides, the boys came home fully scheduled. I didn't go through the whole trying to get them to sleep through the night bit other parents of newborns deal with once they had been home for a few weeks. Who knows? Maybe I'll get a chance to do that this time. If I am honest with myself right now, I have to admit that the idea of having a newborn home within days of birth is terrifying to me now. What will I do with one of those? Redefined: The important thing is to take the babies home. It doesn't matter when.

...to have healthy children. The boys are healthy! They are smart. They are funny. Sure, they don't walk yet, but I believe they will get there. They are smart as whips; both can count to at least 15 without missing numbers and know their ABC's. They both can identify their letters and some numbers. They can both speak in full on sentences! Redefined: I have amazing boys!

...to be able to play ball with my kids outside. I think with this one, I imagine the boys playing baseball or football, while I am the typical "soccer mom." All of that is a bit hard to do when your kids don't walk, which makes it hard to be typical. I think I need to work on redefining this one. What I need to be aware of is that I have this fear that people are going to judge my boys. That fear makes me feel like I can't or shouldn't do things as a way of protecting them. (Don't let this make you think we don't do things. We do loads of things outdoors! I just worry about this anyway.) Redefined: I am able to play outside with my kids!

...to feel connected to and loved by my husband. This one is interesting. I am quite sure that the distance I feel right now is self imposed. I've blocked myself off from him. I've made lack of connecting to him something scary...the connection was something to lose. To remedy the fear, in my head it made sense to break the connection myself before he could break it for me. (Sigh. Such a warped head I have.) I understood what I was doing some time ago but couldn't find a way or the will to change what was going on back then. Now, I am ready. Redefined: I am loved by my husband and as connected to him as I allow myself to be. To add to that, the more energy I put into my relationship with him, the happier I will be.

...to be blissfully unaware of the bad things life can bring. Being aware that life is not all rainbows and sunshine isn't necessarily a bad thing. I think this knowledge has made me a more sensitive person toward others. I think it's also allowed me to truly recognize the important things in life. I don't worry about as many of the small things anymore. That has been a blessing for sure. Redefined: The awareness that bad things can occur has allowed me to really recognize what is important.

...to live normally and have a family like everyone else. What is normal? How great is everyone else's life? This one is just plain dumb. Redefined: Live true to ourselves and what makes us happy--whatever that may look like. Everyone else be damned!

This seems like a good place to end for the night. I'll be back soon with the last of my expectations redefined.

To be continued...