Tomorrow I'll be 28 weeks, a short 4 days away from the exact gestation that I was when I gave birth to the boys.
It's surreal really. The fact that I am still pregnant...
The fact that I am still working...
The fact that I am not on bed on strict bed rest...
I am so grateful.
Had a Dr. Doom visit today. Cervix holding. Baby Lo looks good. He is measuring (by the conservative tech's measurements) the same as the boys did at birth. Has long arms and legs, just like them. "You grow them big!" the tech said.
Yes, I guess I do.
Sometimes I wonder how different the lives of my boys would have been had they been carried one at a time rather than at the same time.
How big would they have grown if they have cooked longer?
What would I have looked like? How big would the belly have been?
Would they be running and driving me crazy by now?
It is a tad bit painful for me that I am hopefully going to get the chance to experience those what ifs with this pregnancy.
This pregnancy? It doesn't change anything for them.
It doesn't erase the fact that they had to endure so much when they were so tiny. It doesn't erase the pain or the surgeries or the CP.
For them...it all will stay the same.
But, is it horrible that this pregnancy is healing me? Day by day and week by week, the longer I get to be "normal" and pregnant...
I am getting stronger. I am beginning to realize that I am not a failure--that doing all the right things and having things turn out wrong anyway doesn't make me a failure. It means we had rotten luck that time.
It wasn't me.
I have to admit that I am not as careful with this pregnancy...not as anal about my prenatals. Still haven't picked up the iron supplements the OB wants me to start taking. I drink caffeine on occasion. I've taken cold medications. I've even had a cold cut or two...
I am not doing it all perfectly...
because short of deliberately hurting myself and the baby, I don't have that power...
and things are still maybe going to be okay.
Maybe I am really starting to believe that they will.*
*Universe, I'd appreciate it if you didn't make me eat my words.
Thank you very much.
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10 comments:
Happy 28 weeks!!
I have tea almost daily. I don't steep it as long, but I want it so I indulge. I feel like I gave up so much the first two years ttc that I just can't give anymore...
WOot for a big baby boy :)!!
Yes, it is fine. More than fine. It is good. And it is good for the boys too to have you heal. Enjoy it!
i am so proud of you - i think it's great that you have realized you aren't to "blame" for the pregnancy / birth situation you had with your first 2 boys - but more so - God has given you a challenge (not sure why) and you are facing it head on -- and doing GREAT with it each day, and each time you take the boys to a doc appt and see their progress.
you are deserving of a great healthy "normal" (if you will) pregnancy - and i am so very happy for you and your family.
i'd like to see a few more belly pix lady - you're really going to start growing now that you're this far along.
(gosh i wish we lived closer - or i was going to be down in your area again - i'd do your maternity pix (no charge of course) so you can remember this great pregnancy in photos.
your boys are amazing - you are a great mom - and heck i think ya deserve a turkey sandwhich and a pepsi (ok half a pepsi) for all you've dealt with.
have a happy weekend!
and BTW ---
how big are they estimating baby LO from this visit?
and . . . . are you kickin' around any names yet? there has to be a list......
This is a very beautiful and hopeful post, Happy 28 weeks!!
You are so deserving Stace...and I'm glad that you are healing through this pregnancy.
Happy 28 weeks girl.
Nobody is perfect, nor is life. We don't get to choose many things in our lives, and pregnancies are one of them.
I want to know, how are the boys reacting to seeing mommy's belly grow?
HAPPY 28 weeks!!!!
AND COUNTING . . . . . .
I drank coffee with Hannah. Went by the book with AJ. Bed rest with both. Hannah went three days longer then AJ. But with more complications...not at birth but later with her sugars and then with the tort and plagio and PT and ears. Now at a year all seems to have settled. knock on wood.
It's not you. It's out of our hands and we handle what we get. We do what we need to do.
Hugs
There is absolutely NOTHING horrible about this pregnancy healing you. I am so happy you are at 28 weeks.
It is the exact OPPOSITE of terribel that this pregnancy is healing you. It is magnificent...Incase you were wondering what the exact opposite of that was hehe...
CONGRATS
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