Stream of Consciousness

Updated to add: So just as I am finishing getting ready, I discovered that I spotted. Brown. Not much. But enough to rattle my already shaky confidence. It's old blood. I know that. It hasn't reappeared yet. It could be implantation. I am on Lovenox. Blah, blah, blah.

Trying to focus on the fact that today's test was darker than yesterdays. The lines are no where near as impressive as the boys' lines, but my beta was nearly 300 at 15dpo. That makes sense to me.

Still. It makes me worried!

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I am about ready to head out to the clinic for my beta in a bit. My appointment is at 10:30. I have to say that I am very nervous, almost to the point of panicky.

I know it makes no sense on the surface. Let's face it, even I will admit that the test will likely be positive.

The part that makes me sweat and nearly drown with worry is the question of HOW positive it will be.

Each time I take a test I wonder.

Is dark enough?

Will it be enough to make this positive last?

Will it be enough to keep us from another heartbreak?

What will I do if it's not?

The beta level that scares me most is 100. I know 100 is the number that all the clinics will say they want to see your levels at by this dpo.

But you see, all three m/cs had initial betas around 100. One was slightly under 100 at 15dpo, although it was close enough that no one was worried. Another was 104 at 15 dpo. "Perfect," was what the nurse called it at the time. The pregnancy last year was 101 at 14dpo.

For me, 100 equals the kiss of doom.

It has got to be higher than 100 to keep me sane.

Anything less than that will shatter me.

I am afraid that what I see on those pee sticks is not going to bring me that high number I desperately crave.

Sigh.

I will update when the nurse calls.

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There is also the little issue of being gone for a week and not being able to have the repeat test until next SATURDAY. I will not be taking hpts with me on my trip, either. I am not sure how I will be able to keep myself together for that long. Seriously. (How will I manage?)

I can't see how I will be able to take and store daily hpts and not tip everyone around me off that something is happening. As it is, I am going to have to hide the fact that I am shooting myself up twice a day with PIO and Lovenox. I am not ready for the people in my real life to know yet. I am still too fragile.

This...pregnancy is still too fragile.

The whole event should be interesting.

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Being gone for a week from the boys is freaking me out.

I am dying about it actually. It would be so easy to just say I can't go for any number of reasons. I am trying to remind myself that I am getting paid my daily rate for the entire week, and we could use the money. It will benefit us for me to take advantage of the opportunity.

I don't want to go.

But.

I feel like a terrible mother, and I hate to admit this. Part of me is looking forward to a break, even if it is to work.