It Really Is All Out of My Hands. I Hate That.

This weekend has been a really rough. I have been shaken with what I keep thinking is a very real possibility that I may be done ttc.

Of course I don't know if that is the truth or not, but it all gets very scary and sad when things don't work out even a tiny bit like you expect them to.

Sigh.

It is not a pleasant feeling at all.

We have talked it over, and I will most likely proceed with the cycle if I still have the three follies on Monday. It sucks and it doesn't give me a whole lot of room for crappy eggs, but we think we need to go for it.

Maybe this was just a bad cycle because of the birth control pills (which coincidentally, the first time I took bcps/lupron I only had 6 eggs, and that was my very first IVF -- no lupron/bcps and bam 9-13 eggs).

Maybe this is the sign that the ovaries are done. It does make me kick myself that much harder for jumping into the FETs last year. I wonder if I would have been successful by now had we continued to do fresh cycles...

We just don't know.

I hate that my mind keeps running in these circles of what if? and why didn't I?

Still, after many tears, I think we have come to the conclusion we would hate to look back and wonder if we don't give this cycle a shot. The timing is good. I am on summer vacation. I don't have to figure out how to get subs and finish lesson plans and the like.

But there is that nagging worry in my mind that we'll go through the cycle and have nothing to show for it. (I do realize that this is the worry for everyone no matter what the cycle looks like.)

It is getting harder and harder to scrape up the money needed for these cycles, too.

Sigh.

I wish sometimes that everything didn't always have to be so hard.

I head off to my appointment in about thirty minutes. I suppose it is really all out of my hands now...