Working My PTSD (updated) (Updated Again)

I posted this update on Facebook the other day:

"Thinking about my neighbors. She just delivered her twins a few weeks early...Baby B isn't doing very well. Takes me back to some very dark times."

Today I posted this:

"Just watched my next door neighbors get home from the hospital. She hobbled in slowly while he carried in only one baby. I hope Baby B is okay...Ugh. I feel for them."

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They delivered the babies on Monday at 35 weeks. I do know that Baby B had immediate surgery and was not doing well. He had a clubbed foot, a heart issue, and there was something wrong with his digestive track. He is very ill.

I don't know how he is now, but I am at a loss for what to do.

Me.

A person who has been there.

A person who freaking knows just what it is like to have an ill baby.

Someone who knows the pain, the mind blowing and constant fear, the guilt over leaving the hospital when your baby has to stay.

And nothing.

I could not even go out there to say something to them when they got home. I couldn't move from the window.

I am almost frozen.

What kind of person am I?

I am disgusted with myself.

I've text them a few times letting them know they were in my thoughts and prayers. I congratulated them on the birth and told them that I am always here when they want to talk to someone who really knows what it is like.

I do have a card and a BRU gift card to give them.

I have a list of things to buy at the store tomorrow (when I am off of couch potato rest from the transfer) to create a NICU survival kit.

I have contemplated what I can make (ha, I hope I don't poison them) to take them for dinner.

But most of that is in my head and I haven't actually done anything more than think of this crap.

This is working my PTSD in the worst way. I am telling you, this being so close to home is really making it hard.

I don't know how Baby B is doing. My mind is working overtime because of that. But I don't want to pry. They will share what they feel comfortable sharing. I am not going to push. I do know what that is like.

One of my friends said to do what I wish someone had done for us. But you know what? I have no idea what that would be. I think that is what is so hard. I don't know what I needed. I was such a huge ball of hormones that it was all I could do to get up each day.

I just needed everything to be normal, but it so wasn't.

I've been texting Is.aac today about what we could do. He is feeling the same sort of emotions, although not to the same extent I am. We'll come up with something together, I am sure, but still...

it is going to be hard.

But no matter how hard it is for me to work through, my heart knows it is a thousand times harder for them.

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It makes me even more sick to my stomach now that I realize that I've just turned all of this into a poor me post. I don't matter at all.

All that matters is that family next door. They need the attention and support.

Sometimes I am so incredibly selfish.

Sigh.

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Updated:

I made them a chicken tortilla casserole and took her some oatmeal cookies. I saw the baby they brought home (gorgeous and oh, so tiny!). We talked for quite some time. Poor Baby B has a long NICU stay with several surgeries ahead of him, but thankfully is expected to survive. I'll work on the NICU kit tomorrow and take it over (or maybe I'll have Is.aac take it because I think the husband would really like to talk to someone who's been there and gets it. Apparently no one else in their life has.)

I came home and cried, but I did it. Nothing they said shocked me, but things are pretty bad for their baby. I am glad I was able to listen and not react like everyone else has. They even commented on that. Makes me want to wrap my arms around them and tell them it is all going to be okay while I beat the inconsiderate people around them with sticks.

Sigh.

Thank you for thinking of them and be so nice to me. I do still feel selfish that I have the nerve to react this way, but I do think I understand why. I am trying not to beat myself up about it.

Those old NICU feelings die hard, I guess.

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Updated again:

We did get them a NICU kit. There are so many things we could have gotten them, but here is what we settled on:

• a notebook & pen for both mom and dad
• books to read to the babies: "On the Night You Were Born" and “I Love You”
• change for the vending machine - I can’t tell you how often that would have been helpful
• chap stick
• disposable camera (to leave at the NICU for the nurses to catch the baby doing cute things)
• energy bars/oatmeal Fiber One bars
• goodies for the siblings (Toy Story figure for older brother, rattle for Baby A)
• hand lotion
• hand sanitizer
• mints
• photo album to remind them to take lots of pictures
• preemie outfits (one for each twin, but a snap up sleeper – so the wires can be pulled through the snaps and connect to the monitors - for Baby B)
• tissues
• wet wipes (antibacterial)

If you are thinking of doing something like this yourself, here are some other ideas you could add to a kit or do for the family:

• mouth wash, tooth brush, & toothpaste
• hairbrush
• gift card to baby store
• hospital parking pass
• gift card to a restaurant near the hospital
• oatmeal cookies
• baby blanket (to cover the baby's isolette)
• name cards for the isolettes (my NICU did this automatically, but not all NICUs do)
• scrapbook supplies (especially the kind that are already done; you just need to put the picture in)
• nonperishable snacks
• button down tops for both moms and dads for kangaroo care
• Is.aac swears by dry fit clothing. they kept him cool and wouldn't wrinkle during his marathon of working and then spending the rest of the night at the NICU or tending to me.
• take them food for home or give gift cards for restaurants that deliver to their area
• mow their lawn
• clean their house/do dishes/laundry
• write a note, text, or call
• and above all else, congratulate them. It seems like such a no-brainer, but people don't. Seriously. They don't.
• offer to watch other children, if they have them, so the mom and dad can go to the NICU together

Okay. I think that is all. Anything else you can think to add, just leave it in the comments and I'll put it on the list. At some point, I'll find a more permanent place to keep this list for others, too.