#Microblog Monday...Oops, Tuesday

While watching television a few weeks ago, the host of one of those celebrity gossip shows was interviewing a number of hair and make-up artists. At the close of the show, the host asked the beauty experts to give their favorite tips. One tip caught my attention, even though it was given as an almost afterthought. "Condition first," the guy said.

There was no further information. There was just the simple "Condition first."

To Google I went. Sure enough, there were a number of posts about reverse hair washing. It is actually a thing. The basic steps are pretty simple: put on your conditioner, leave it on your typical amount of time, add your shampoo, lather, and rinse. Easy.

So, I tried it. And I like it!

I have to admit that it feels odd to all of sudden change my usual routine. Once I got past the weirdness of it all, it really was no big deal. 

My hair is definitely on the thin side, but with this whole reverse washing thing, I actually have body when I'm done. It's still soft and manageable. I have less frizz. I've even been asked several times if I got my hair cut since I started reverse washing. (Um, nope. My last cut was at the end of October.)

Go figure! All these years on Earth, and I didn't even know how to wash my hair! :)

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#MicroBlog Monday

This gem came home from school this week.



He was asked to write a story about his family, which he did. He wrote about his Homecoming Day celebration.

It's just a few sentences, a story telling about his day.

Still, my heart is full. :)

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#Microblog Monday - Homecoming Day!

Today is Sh.awn's Homecoming Day! On this day 8 years ago, after 90 long days in the NICU, we finally got to bring Sh.awn home from the hospital!

I love celebrating this day because it is super special to me. One of my boys finally came home from the hospital after months of thinking that it would never happen. He was here, and I could hold him whenever I wanted. For as long as I wanted...

For the first time, I truly felt like a mom. It was glorious!

This day is special to our family, and we are going to keep on celebrating Homecoming Days until they decide they no longer want to. I'm hoping that will be forever. :)

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#MicroBlog Monday

Last week our old television died, so we were finally able to upgrade to a new TV. The newer version is thinner and lighter than our old version, so we were able to put the television on a stand and finally move the cable box/DVD player to sit directly under the TV.

Hallelujah! There is so much space now!

The only problem is that moving the cable box, and the only clock in my room, over two feet to the right so it can sit under the TV has meant I can NEVER find the time.

I wake up from a deep sleep, look to the clock, but only find it missing. Confusion sets in. I've even panicked about a break in while I've slept. It still takes me an embarrassing amount of time before I finally locate the time.

Such a little change has rocked my world!

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#MicroBlogMonday

One of the things that has lingered from prematurity for the boys, aside from the medical stuff, is an extreme sensitivity to noise. The sound of the mixer would be enough to send them into a tailspin. Using the vacuum with them around was out of the question. Loud beeps, alarms, machines, the drill...uh, the triggers were numerous.

It was stressful to always have to be mindful of common, everyday noise.

Tonight, the carbon monoxide alarm started beeping. The beep, of course, is obnoxious and intense, a noise that can get to even the most tolerant among us.

And yet, the boys calmly asked what the noise was.

They came over to investigate as I struggled to get the back off of the detector to unplug the battery.

It made my heart swell.

In the last few months we have seen tremendous changes in this area, and while I had noticed the subtle differences, tonight was like a flashing neon sign.

It's such a little thing on the surface...so big when it comes to the ease and quality of all of our lives.

I am beyond proud of these boys and all they've overcome. :)


P.S. From what I hear, it is International Blog Delurking Week. I'd love to know if anyone is still around any more. :)

~~~~~~~~~~~~

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#MicroBlog Monday - The Same But Oh So Different

The school is the same. The aide is the same. The kid is the same aside from some minor maturation ten weeks can give a 7 year old.

The teacher is new. The class is much more challenging. The expectations are so much higher they aren't even really on the same continuum.

And yet, the experience is oh, so different.

If you would have listened to the teacher from last year, he should be falling apart, not thriving. She made it clear she thought I was delusional by suggesting he was bright. (I can't tell you the pleasure I get from knowing this must be annoying as hell to her.)

If you would have listened to the teacher from last year, the picture painted of my boy would leave you thinking there was little hope.

I fought back. A lot.

Thankfully, someone who could make decisions had listened. And we were blessed with another amazing teacher.

One who pushes. Expects. And more importantly, one who cares.

It has made all the difference.

Everything has changed.

I've always known that teachers can make or break the experience for a child, but now I know. Living it made me feel it in a way I never had before.

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#Microblog Monday - Car Trouble

After I had the boys, I searched and searched for a car that would be roomy enough for us as a family but was still comfortable to drive. When I found the SUV I currently drive, I knew right away that it was the car I wanted.

It drives like a car, yet it has got the room of a larger vehicle. It is higher so I can see over the other cars around me. It has heated seats and individualized temp control for the passengers. I love my car.

With Is,aac doing more and more with the boys (school drop off and pick up among other stuff), he is driving my car more often, which leaves me with his car. There were even a few weeks there toward the end of the school year when I had not driven my car at all. Sigh.

I hate driving his car. It is low to the ground, which gives me the feeling of riding in a low rider. I can never get the seat to adjust right (and I do try not to move stuff too much because it is his car), so I am always uncomfortable. I also hate not being able to see what is happening on the road ahead of me.

I suppose it makes me a spoiled brat to get this frustrated over not getting to drive the car I want. I do try to be understanding to a point, but I can't quite get over the feeling that he is getting the best of both worlds here. In fact, if our financial situation was better, I'd have him go find his own car to drive that would accommodate all three of the boys and their car seats, too, so we could avoid car sharing all together.

Is.aac says he doesn't get what my problem is. It's just a car. And it is...but it's not.

What do you think? Would being forced to drive another car in this type of situation bug you, too?

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#Microblog Monday

On Friday, we got our first official notice from the boys' school about next year. I opened it, glanced through it, and quickly put it aside. I am not ready for school notices already. Then this weekend, I saw the first advertisement for a back to school sale. I imagine if I actually looked, I would find the aisles in the store dedicated to school complete with signs happily declaring it the "Most Wonderful Time of the Year."

In this area, we have only been out of school for 18 days. Some schools perhaps a week longer. Still, no one goes back until the end of August.

Why is it almost unthinkable to sit back and enjoy the moment? Why must we rush to the next milestone on the calendar? What is the hurry?

Sigh.

18 days into summer and I have read (gasp!) two books already--definitely not as many as I'd like but a luxury nonetheless. It's glorious I have to admit.

The boys have declared their boredom and then moved off to find something else to do.

We've started working on the backyard. We have cleared an area for a large inflatable pool. We've started working on a garden box for planting some veggies.

I don't want to rush onto the next big date.

I don't want to think about the end of summer.

I want to relax and every moment of the time we've been given.

In fact, I'm planning on doing just that!

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#Microblog Mondays - Work Woes

My room at work is near the center of the school at the end of one of the main hallways. Most teachers pass by my room to get to the office or the lunch room, and nearly half generally pass my room to get to their cars in the parking lot.

What this means is that a lot of people end up "stopping by" my room to chat.

This on the surface shouldn't be that big of a deal. In theory they'd stop in, say hello, and then head on their way. Unfortunately, what happens in reality is that people stop in, unload all that troubles them, and then (far too long later) merrily go on their way.

Sigh.

I know there are worse work woes to have. I mean, it should be kind of nice that people are so friendly. Hey, they like me! And I guess that it is nice to an extent.

But, it occurred to me today after the eighth--YES EIGHTH--person popped in to chat that this can't go on any longer. Not only am I too nice to do my work while they talk, although I was less interested in being nice as the afternoon worn on, I've decided that I need to not take on the added weight of other people's problems.

I do not want to know if so and so made them angry.

I do not want to know about students who didn't do what they should have.

I definitely do not need to know every nuance of their relationship with their husbands.

I do not need anything more than my own life to worry about nor do I need to inherit extra frustration or stress. I have enough of all of that without them adding to my everyday load.

Let's face it, I barely have enough time for my own life crap; I don't need to deal with theirs.

Besides, I am not the school's personal therapist.

Sheesh.

Now I just need to figure out how to get the message out...I've found working in a room with the lights off sounds a whole lot more appealing than it is in practice.

Anyone else ever been in a similar position? Any tips for how to handle this without making work miserable?

~~~

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#MicroBlog Monday

The boys get to play a little iPad each day. Mostly they play learning apps, although at some point not too long ago, the youngest discovered the wonder of YouTube. Specifically, he discovered the wonder of Ki.nder Su.rprise eggs videos.

Now, I seriously do not understand the obsession with these clips, but from my queries on FB it seems that these videos have caught the attention of a lot of kids. I admit to being a little relieved in that my kid isn't some sort of oddity in the Ki.nder egg addiction.

Anyway, with the youngest's birthday and Easter on the way, I thought it would be a neat idea to procure some of these surprise eggs for him. I only needed to search for a bit before I quickly realized that it just wasn't going to happen. They aren't sold in the U.S., and what I could find on ebay were ridiculously overpriced.

I couldn't believe it when my next door neighbor, upon reading of my egg dilemma on FB, brought over two of the eggs she just happened to have brought back from a recent trip to Mexico. I practically kissed her when she showed up at my door with them in hand. When does something like that happen? I was so excited to give them to him.

Fast forward to the boy's birthday. He opened them. He oohed. He ahhed. He was amazed. He has carried around his two ridiculously cheap toy prizes since he opened them. It was, by all intents and purposes, a huge hit with the boy.

But in the process of fulfilling a simple joy for him, I have created a monster--foil uncovering, egg smashing monster.

And it was a sad misfortune of timing that this monster has been created at Easter time, because dude. You cannot begin to realize how many things are foil wrapped and egg shaped at the Easter season until you have a child hell bent on destroying every single one of them in order to unleash a "hidden" toy inside.

I have foil and chocolate remnants all over the freaking house now! Definitely not how I expected things to play out. lol

It seems that the boy has a bit of his mother's ability to throw herself full force into whatever interests her. Ahem. Thank goodness Easter is over and we can finally rid ourselves of the foil/egg temptations for another year. :)


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#Microblog Mondays - Why?

Why is it that my kids always have to go to the bathroom (read poop) when we have to leave for somewhere? Seriously, we start getting ready to go out long before we have to leave, but it never fails.

~~~

Why is it that my eyes pop open at an ungodly hour on the weekends, a time I "can"* sleep in, but they refuse to open on the weekdays when I have to get up?

~~~

Why is it that it never fails that I crave the one food that we do not have in our house at that moment? It's like my body knows and tries to torment me.

~~~

Why does my littlest child continue to get himself stuck in the exact same position under his bed every. single. night? You'd think he'd learn that what he's doing isn't a good idea by this point.

~~~

Why must insurance companies make things so difficult? I was on the phone with our insurance company for over thirty minutes this afternoon, (I hate them.) and we still do not have a resolution to our issue at this point. I have no idea how much longer I'll have to waste on the phone trying to get them to do what they should do. Grr.

~~~

Is there anything going on in your life that makes you ask why?


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*As you know, when you have little people around, "can" is a relative term.

#Microblog Monday

"Mom, why are my legs on backwards?" he asked just after dinner.

I stopped what I was doing and looked at him. "What do you mean your legs are backwards?"

"That's what Daniel asked me. He wanted to know why my legs were backwards." He looked down. "It sort of looks like they are. See?"

"Babe, your legs are not backwards. Your legs are just the way they are supposed to be... What did you say to Daniel after he asked you that?"

"I told him I was born very early and my brain got hurt and that now it takes a little more concentration to get my legs to do what I want them to do."

"That's a really good answer, Jay. What did he say when you told him that?"

"He didn't say anything. It was time for recess anyway. We went to go play basketball." He turned away then, picking up his police car as he started making siren sounds. It was clear our conversation was done.

He didn't say anything more about it the rest of the evening, yet I can't get the moment out of my head...

Sigh.

~~~

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#MicroBlog Monday

I've been sitting here in front of a blank screen for a while now. I'll type. I'll erase. Type. Erase. Over and over again. I work with a few words for a while and then wipe the slate clean. I suppose it takes some of the pressure off when I expect to do the same with the words I'm typing now.

Life is back to feeling overwhelming and I am unsettled. It's nothing big, exactly, that leaves me feeling this way, unless you consider the myriad of little/medium things a big thing in their sum. Maybe that is what it is--nothing by itself but everything together.

I guess life is funny like that.

Anyway, all I can do is wait for the fog to clear. I'll find my mojo again soon enough.

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#Microblog Monday

Today the big boys go back to school after a three week vacation. It's been a nice break, but unfortunately, it's been long enough for us to get out of our routine. Yesterday at lunch we talked about finally getting the chance to go back.

J is nervous; his stomach hurt last night, a symptom of his worries. He was almost as nervous as he was before the start of school. Thankfully, he seems a little better this morning. Excitement has mixed with the nerves now.

~~~

Sh.awn was visibly upset yesterday while we talked about returning to school. He knows he'll be working with his new aide, and he struggled with the emotions of the new situation. For the first time, S's old aide, whom he LOVED, will not be there today.

"But why does she not want to be with me any more?" he asked. "Is it because I wasn't good?"

Oh man. Talk about ripping my heart in two.

Of course I explained again that this change had nothing to do with him. I even reminded him of his new aide and talked about how nice she is. He said he understood, but still.

My heart aches. My poor boy.

For him, this change is nothing less than a break-up, one in which he had no idea was coming until it happened. I'm sure it's hard for him to take it any other way than it was something he did when things like 'higher pay' means absolutely nothing to him.

All he cares about is that a person he loved left him.

He didn't say much about it when he woke up today. I didn't bring it up with him either. I know he knows, and I don't want to set the course of his day negatively because I upset him before it started. I simply kissed him on his cheek and wished him a good day like I usually do before I head out to work.

I hope that his day goes well. I hope that he is reminded how kind this new aide is. I hope he quickly learns to love this aide. It won't replace the loss he feels about his old aide leaving, but maybe it will help ease the sting.

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#Microblog Monday - Snuggles

I'm lucky in that my boys love to snuggle. It is not unusual for one to crawl up on the couch next to me and wrap their arms around me.

I love it, and oh how I hope they never outgrow it.

There is something, though, about snuggling with Sh.awn. Holding him always, always makes me fall asleep. I don't know how to explain it, and it is something that doesn't happen with my other boys.

Of all my boys, he is the one about whom I worry most.

He challenges me (and my parenting) the most.

It could be argued that he also brings me the most frustration as a parent.

And yet, he is the one who calms me, who can bring me back into the moment, just like that.

When I snuggle him, all is right in the world...

Oh how I love this sweet boy.

~~~

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#Microblog Monday

For a while now, I've been following the story of an IF couple who find themselves pregnant with with two sets of identical twins. They are sugary sweet, if not even a bit annoying in their continued attention seeking, but I am definitely someone who roots for the underdog. Quads with a side order of TTTS after an 8 year ride of infertility definitely puts them in that underdog category.

In the beginning, I was nervous for them as the odds of delivering healthy babies were not in their favor. I rooted for them.

I still do.

Probably more so now.

They delivered their babies at 29.5 weeks with weights "a little over two pounds" for three of the babies and "slightly less than two pounds" for the fourth. News stories describe a "safe and healthy arrival of (the parents') four daughters," which is downright aggravating for a preemie mom like myself to read. There is no way babies can be the weights that they are, born 11 weeks early like they were, and be described as healthy.

Sigh.


But as I read their daily updates and excited musings, something changed over the last week or so.

I've spent some time reflecting about what bothers me most about this story. Sure it's annoying that the family acts like everything is wonderful and chooses to share only the upbeat and positive news they hear. I can live with that. We all can decide what part of our story we want to share with the world.

Nor is it that now that the babies are born the news will gloss over the very real dangers these tiny newborns face and perpetuate the myth that preemies are just just like full term babies only smaller. (As opposed to acknowledging that these babies who are born before they have truly finished developing can face very real consequences from their early arrival.)

The part that stings is that the universe (and damned good medical care) allowed this woman to carry their babies to nearly 30 weeks.

Their FOUR babies.

Why couldn't my body, and the bodies of far too many other women, do the same? Why?

Every once in a while there is a story that starts me on a pity party spiral. After reading this story, I know that this in one such story; yet, like a masochist intent on torturing herself, I keep going back.

Back to both the story and that age old question. Why?

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#Microblog Monday - Blocked

I blocked my first person on FB this weekend. I also blocked my second, third, and fourth person while I was at it.

I'm not sure what I expected would happen when I followed through with the act. Nothing did, of course. I would even venture to guess that the block-ees don't even know that I did it yet.

Maybe they'll never realize it.

Though it was a decision long in coming, I held off for the longest time. It wasn't the concern about hurting their feelings (and they had certainly not worried about my feelings leading up to this) that gave me pause. Rather it was the feeling of obligation that stopped me -- we had been rather close at one point. Maybe we should still be close although life and circumstance got in the way. Thus the final act of severing the small tie we had left felt too heavy. I avoided it hoping against all hope that something would change. For years I overlooked behavior that I would not accept from anyone else in my life.

When the act was done, it was oddly freeing. As sad as it is that I am putting those relationships behind me, the relief that I'm feeling now reminds me that it was the right decision.

A sad one, but still right.

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#Microblog Monday

I spent this weekend dealing with issues of stomach rebellion. It could simply be that my body protests all of the food I've ingested through the holiday. More likely this has been the manifestation of stress.

My 92 year old grandmother is here, and while I love her to pieces, her visits are not without challenges. Namely, the woman speaks her mind about everything without much care about how her words affect those around her. I do not think that her intent is malicious, but as a woman who has lived nearly a century, her ideas and my ideas about the world are not exactly similar. Couple that with the fact that the years have weakened her filter, and well...it's been difficult.

And now I've had far too many conversations with little ones about what grandma means when she said xyz. Sigh.

I want my boys to know her, and I truly am happy she is here. I am keenly aware that there may not be many more visits with her.

Still, I feel horrible that I was relieved to not have to go visit today. It's even worse that I'm counting down the days until she leaves. :(

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Microblog Monday

It's Prematurity Awareness Month, so the posts about the topic are starting to pop up all over my feed. Many of them are about how thankful they are about the doctors and nurses who helped their children when they were so tiny and fragile.

I guess I am thankful to them, too, but in all honesty, I rarely think of them much anymore. I can't for the life of me remember the names of the nurses--none of them come to mind, not even the ones I truly loved. I remember the two neos; one name remembered without issue, the other more doom and gloom predicting neo, takes much more effort.

That's horrible, right?

Other posts talk about how their children have overcome prematurity and are now healthy and strong.

While my boys are now healthy and strong right now, the nagging fear of prematurity is still (may always be) there. Will this illness be the one to tax their lungs to their limits? Is this episode of vomiting a "simple" illness, or will it mean a trip to the ER and surgery? Besides that, the idea of overcoming prematurity is kind of lost on me.

How do you overcome prematurity when it is the reason for your children's challenges today?

I don't know.

I need people to understand prematurity and know that prematurity is more than tiny babies born too soon.

I desperately want to make sure no other family endures the heartache of watching their loved one struggle for survival.

My heart aches at the knowledge that prematurity will steal other families' babies and rob others of their dreams.

And I hate prematurity with a passion...

... and yet ...

I am stuck on how to deal with Prematurity Awareness Month this year.

How do I articulate my thankfulness that because of the strides of prematurity research I now have two amazing boys along with my intense, overwhelming detest for something that took so much from us?

Sigh.

I just don't know.

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Microblog Monday

While researching something unrelated, I stumbled across information on ADHD. I read the symptoms, and I swear I could check every single indicator off for one of my boys.

Every single one.

My mind was blown. After even more research I am kind of kicking myself for not seeing the signs sooner than this.

• Preemies have a higher instance of ADD/ADHD than the general population.
• Kids who have had anesthesia have a higher instance of ADD/ADHD.
• ADD/ADHD is more common for kids with Cerebral Palsy than it is for the general population.

So I took him to the pediatrician. And then I took him to the child psych. And now he is on medication.

What he is taking is an extremely low dose at the moment, but although we are already seeing a huge change so far, I expect we will likely need to up the dose within the next few weeks.

He needs this medication; I know he does, and if I had any doubts, they would have been erased after watching him since he started his meds. Yet, while I believe firmly that this is the right thing to do for him, I have to admit that it still feels crappy to have to do it.

As it is, he doesn't really know what is going on. I can sprinkle his meds on a bite of food, so he truly has no idea that he is actually taking something. Ethically, I know he has the right to know on a level appropriate for his 6 year old mind that he is taking medication, and I do plan on telling him that he's taking something and why. I'm not sure of when that will be though. I'm in the watch and wait mode right now.

It's hard not to second guess yourself as a parent when you are making these life altering decisions for your kids. I am trying to remind myself that I can only do my best, but man. This parenting gig is not for the faint of heart.