Sapped

I've been in a funk lately. It's a strange feeling really. It isn't quite that I am angry, although that is there, nor is it just that I am sad because that is there, too. I guess the best way that I can describe it is to say that I just feel heavy. The weight of everything has finally caught up with me. I guess I thought I would feel better now that a plan is in place. But that hasn't done anything but make me feel even more weighted.

It doesn't help that I have been doing our taxes. Once again we are itemizing our deductions for medical expenses. Once again, the number makes me cringe. Once again, we could have bought a nice car and be free and clear on payments. Once again, there is nothing to show for it besides a lot pain and a million full sharps containers.

Sigh.

I am sure you've all read Mel's post titled "Was It Worth It" where she asked if we were given three wishes for our lifetime, would we use one or more of those wishes to have a child "either knowing what else you could do with those wishes or taking that leap of faith that you’ll be able to endure any other shit life tosses at you once all of your wishes are gone."

I left her a comment that day which said this:

I would have made having a child(ren) one of my wishes…even with everything that has gone wrong…even with all that was so hard and so painful…and even though things are not like how I pictured them…it would still be a wish I’d make again and again and again. There is so much that is right, so much that makes me smile and love being a parent even on the hardest and scariest of days.

The question I struggle with now is whether I’d use a second wish to expand our family again. I’ve gone over it so many times that I think the thoughts have worn permanent grooves in my brain, something similar to a well worn hiking path. I think I would. But…I do have to say that there has to be a limit to what I do now. I just can’t keep going forever trying to have another baby when there are more to think about now than just me and my husband.

There is no doubt that I believe with all of my heart that the boys are worth it. I would have done anything to get them, and will continue to do everything in my power to ensure that they grow up to be happy, healthy, productive individuals.

But what about now? Is it worth it now to go through all of this again?

That question continues to haunt me.

Is it worth it? Sure, if we get pregnant and have another child, of course it would be worth it. But...what if?...what if we never get there? What if we do all these treatments, spend all this money we barely have, and in the end there is nothing to show for it?

I always knew when we were trying for the boys we'd have children. I always believed...

Now, my core has been shaken.

I am struggling to find my faith that we will get there again.

That last tiny bit of strength that kept me going onward and forward has been sapped. Now the weight of it all just seems so overwhelming...

I hate feeling like this.

I hope this is just a phase.

I hope even more that it passes quickly.

Sigh.

Friday Photo Challenge: STRENGTH

To me, nothing screams "strength" more than this picture of my little Sh.awn standing at the window.

He is determined and stubborn.

He's happy and funny.

Most of all, he's a wonderful little boy who fights for everything he does with everything he's got.

If that is not strength, I don't know what is.

Check out more at photos depicting this theme of "Strength" at Destined to Be An Old Woman. Better yet, be a participant yourself!

So.

It was an interesting meeting.

Where to start? Oh yeah. Let's start at the whole "WTF? Why am I not pregnant?" question.

The short answer is we just don't know.

The long answer, which is considerably more palatable to a type A personality like myself is:

As he sees it, there are several areas of concern.

• First, I am having more pain before AF starts now compared to what I experienced pre-boys. There are some months I have pain for an entire week before bleeding actually begins. This does not make me a happy camper to say the least. This is a problem because in his experience, a majority of patients see a reduction in pain after a successful pregnancy.
• A second area of concern is that when I had my last retrieval in July, he found several chocolate cysts on my right ovary. On subsequent scans, I still have at least two more lingering cysts. The cysts are non-estrogen producing and continue to grow. His theory is that said cysts will also be of the chocolate variety.
• Area of concern numero tres is that there was slow spillage of my left tube. Couple that with the post op notes describing my tube being fused to my BOWEL and some UNKNOWN LOCATION! and all signs are pointing to an endometriosis issue. (He was quick to say that he does not think my tubes are leaking back into my uterus and preventing implantation problems. He just thinks that it is something we should investigate further just to be positive all is okay.)
• The fourth area of concern is my homogenous lining (pre-boys it was consistently triple striped). The thickness of my lining is excellent, and having homogenous lining in and of itself isn't really an issue. The issue that he wants to investigate is the change from triple striped to homogenous. (This can also simply be from a change in the position of my uterus post delivery--something about the change of view from the ultrasound wand.)

That leads him to want to do a laparoscopy and hysteroscopy before we do another cycle. Oh fun! There is endometriosis, but we aren't sure just how much. He figures while we are at it, he'd do the hysteroscopy just to rule things out with my uterus/cervix.

Frankly, I am okay with this. I would rather be safe than sorry. If this could potentially find something we can fix, I'd be ecstatic. If it does nothing more than rule things out, I am okay with that, too.

After that, the next option is really up to us. Theoretically, should all be found (or most likely made) sound with my girly bits, he thinks it wouldn't be unreasonable to try IUI's again. (GASP!)

Should he find issues with my girly bits we can't fix, at least we'd know that IVF was the way to go and no time would be wasted with other therapies.

And although we'd probably just go ahead and do another IVF route rather than IUI's, it would be nice to know that my body was in the best shape possible before we tried again.

He did bring up quite a few of the positive things we have going for us.

• He said for someone who had a higher than wanted FSH number, I really responded more like the average for my age groups (those without higher than wanted FSH numbers).
• My blasts looked really good in July when I had my last fresh cycle--with 50% of my embies making it to blast stage for transfer and the freezer!
• All of my blasts made it through the thaw in excellent to good condition (one of which made it through 2 freezes and thaws).
• I am still young (isn't he sweet)
• Is.aac's sperm count is great

I have already contacted my OBGYN to get the referral for the lap/hysteroscopy. They will probably label the procedure for pain rather than for fertility, just to ensure that it is covered. It is still unclear which of the doctors would actually do the procedures (OB or RE or together) and when it would be. We left on the note that we'd do it as soon as we could get it cleared through insurance. Once my girly bits are cleared for take off, we'd start the next cycle, probably April-ish.

So...

I guess there I go.

Oh, I did ask about the spotting. Did he think it was an actual UTI (the culture came back clear on the sample they sent out!) or implantation. He just didn't know nor did he make any guesses. He added it to my chart though.

But if it was implantation, why did I NEVER get a positive pee stick?

Sigh.

I haven't decided which is worse: to get a positive and have it declared a chemical or just to never get the positive.

I think it is a damn crappy tie.

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Can you believe this is my 700th post?

Tomorrow is our follow-up appointment with the RE. I have loads of questions for him--he's such a lucky guy to have me as his patient. (yes that is sarcasm) I'm also going to have him go back to July and walk us through each cycle we've had since then, including the miscarriage.

It ought to be fun.

Sigh.

Wish us luck.

No surprise. Negative. I expected it. I just didn't feel pregnant.

I just wish it didn't hurt so bad to hear those stupid words.

I am off to go cry a little. Or a lot.

Be back later.

"The die is cast." Now I wait... Sigh.

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Sh.awn's Day

Two years ago, January 25th was a Friday. It was a day I will never forget. It was the day our little Sh.awn Bon finally came home from the NICU.

Here we are right after discharge. Sh.awn's last day in the NICU!

Getting closer to home...in his car seat for the first time!

The first time in his bedroom!

Sh.awny's first time meeting Gracie. Now he likes to call to her himself!

Happy Gotcha Day, Sh.awny. Mommy and daddy love you so much and are so thankful you are in our lives!