Which Do You Think?

I think this year I am going to submit one of my posts to the Creme de la Creme. I can't decide which one to send. Could you give me your thoughts, please?

Oh, and whichever one I send, I will go back and make some edits. I tend to write and hit publish without a whole lot of editing originally, and well, I know that strategy doesn't always for a well written post make. kwim?

I Never Knew
Three Years
Before I Had Kids

Little Heroes

Earlier this year I applied for The Littlest Heroes Project. In a nutshell, it is a non-profit organization which connects photographers to families with children suffering from life altering conditions. The organization understands that photo shoots may not always be the easiest thing to undertake when you're juggling health, therapy, and quite possibly financial issues.

The big boys had no problem meeting the qualifications for the program. Sigh. We were approved in April. I got the information needed to contact the photographer in the beginning of July.

But then I couldn't go any further with it. I just couldn't bring myself to actually send a letter to a photographer.

When I applied for the project, I was unsure if this was something we should pursue. We have some pretty amazing boys who are doing some pretty amazing things. Sure, things can be challenging and there is a lot left to work on when it comes to the boys, but it felt like to do this would be taking advantage of something that others may need more than us.

And then there was my fear of officially labeling the boys. Oh how I hate labeling. Yes, it is clear that there is something going on when you meet them. But I have not officially told many people that there is a CP diagnosis for them. (I work under the you didn't ask, so I didn't tell idea. I was open with the few who directly asked.)

I have also always struggled with how much of their information is mine to tell.

It isn't so much that I care about what people will think, either. A label is just that. It doesn't change anything.

I think my worry is that there are so many misconceptions about CP that people will underestimate their abilities and awesomeness. (I will admit that you'd have to be pretty stupid to not see their awesomeness when you meet them, but there are stupid people out there.) And frankly it's just annoying that I always end up educating everyone about everything. (Hello. I already had to explain IF and incompetent cervix and prematurity. Adding CP to the list right now seem so overwhelming. Besides, I hate that I am already being told that people ask me before going to google about medical shit. I am not their walking medical journal.)

I am very aware of the situations to which I expose the boys--if I don't trust a person's behavior/what he/she will say, he/she doesn't come near the boys. Plain and simple. And well, would this photographer and this site be too much? Would they take advantage somehow?

Sigh. So I sat on the photographer's information while I wrestled with my head. For four months actually.

This week, though, I finally wrote the letter and made contact.

The photographer wrote back the next day saying she'd love to photograph our family. She had checked out their blog and said how awesome they were. (She seems smart so far! lol) She is, of course, booked until January. (She did offer us a date Nov. 7, but the thought of doing the shoot that early freaked the shit out of me so I declined.)

We've booked a date.

 I waffle back and forth between excitement and panic when I think about the idea. That pretty much tells me that this is probably a good idea.

After all, my little heroes deserve to be celebrated, too.

I suppose it's time to start telling some of their story.

And Then They Were 4...

(cross posted from the boys' blog)



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You know they've had a good day when you hear things like:

Did you like your cupcakes?

"Yes, but I can't have anymore cake."

But you can have some tomorrow.

"No!" (dramatically turns head away) "I can't because I'm toooooo full."

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"I gotta go find me some presents." (They only got three small gifts from mommy and daddy today.)

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‎"Mommy...I had the most wonderfulest birthday."
"Me too!"
And with that, they both rolled over and went to sleep. :-)


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Shawn figures he should just pinch the flame rather than blow it out...
He did try, though. Lol.

Now Jason blew until he nearly passed out!

The best part of the whole thing. Mmmm...cupcakes!

Num, num, num...

Jack thought he'd take a bite, too!
Mommy was mean and pulled it away at the last minute. :-(

More presents!

Off with the ribbon...

Is it a hat?

Yeah a present!

Present unwrapping is serious business, y'all.

What is it?

Um...I don't know. What is it, mommy?

Oh, wow! It's a game! (Tangrams)

Shawn, you're too slow. Let me help you!

Hey, I got a game, too!

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They really did have a fantastic day. It was so fun to watch their faces light up when we'd add in another surprise. I think this day will be one they talk about for a long time!

And that makes my heart super happy. :-)

IVF Questionnaire

Back in the day when we were first trying to get pregnant, I was part of an IVF forum. There I met some really wonderful women, and I am lucky enough to still call them dear friends.

One of those women, Jody, contacted me asking for help. She has started "a research study on IVF, Informed Consent, and the role of emotions in IVF decision-making. [She is] trying to prove (against researchers' arguments to the contrary) that infertile women are not so desperate to get pregnant that they lack the capacity to consent to IVF. Yes, people are actually saying stupid stuff like that."

Can you imagine?

Take away our ability to consent because we are so desperate to get pregnant we can't make a rational decision about IVF?

It's such a scary thought...one that makes me outraged!

I doubt there is another group as educated and knowledgeable of their bodies and what they are doing to them than the women going through infertility, in particular IVF.

We talk! We research! We make informed decisions based on the information presented to us!

You guys, Jody needs our help.

She has an online survey that she needs to go viral...it's posted on Resolve's site right now. The survey is 30-45 minutes. They are also giving away Amazon gift cards.

Click here for more info. She's also posted about it on the Lost & Found. (Look for the blurb about research with her name)

Take the survey.

Blog about it.

Tweet it.

Help Jody get the word out.

Make sure those of us still in the trenches will continue to have a say in our own treatment.

Thank you!

Friday Night Leftovers - Hodgepodge

• While the beginning of the week was pretty dismal, the ending was much better. Here's hoping the brighter feelings last.
• I broke down and bought Jack a few 12 month sleepers. He's growing so fast!
• My guess is that he should have started wearing that size a few weeks ago (he was getting to the point where he had scooped necks and 3/4 sleeves), but I just didn't want to go there. I am good at the denial game.
• Plus, there weren't many cute "baby" looking sleepers in that size. The ones that I found looked more big boy than baby, which just made me sad. Boo.
• He recently got his third tooth. He now has his bottom two front teeth and his top right canine tooth.
• The big boys got their canine teeth first, too. Odd.
• 6 days until the big boys' birthday. They are so excited, and it's really cute to watch them anticipate their birthday this year.
• I think I got them some gifts that they'll really enjoy. I even got them some stage 1 readers! They're definitely ready for them. I mean, they walk around sounding out the first letter of every. word. they. hear.
• They are usually right. They tend to only get caught up on the letters "c" and "k".
• I am contemplating taking the day off so we can take them to the zoo, just the four of us.
• May not be able to get Is.aac off of work, though, so it may have to wait until the weekend.
• The psycho SIL is pregnant again. Of course it was super easy for them to actually get pregnant after they decided. Grr.
• It's wrong, but I hope they have a girl. She wants a boy. (I know that isn't very nice of me, but dude...she is a psycho, and if her girl is such a big bully, I'd hate to see what a boy child of theirs would be like.)
• That means that every single one of the cousins on Is.aac's side of the family will have had a baby in a 14 month period.
• We had a magazine fundraiser at work. Teachers were able to get a really good deal on the price, so I ordered lots of magazines for us.
• I have eclectic tastes:
• I ordered Time (wanted Newsweek, but it was more) so I can find out what is happening. Nick Jr. isn't cutting it when it comes to updating me on the world news.
• I also ordered Star, because...well, everyone needs to be able to read fluff every now and then. :-)
• The boys got some children's magazines, too, while Is.aac got a subscription to Men's Health.
• I'm excited to get them all.
• Therapy continues to be an issue. Just got a message today (they called the home phone even though they have my cell phone and know I won't be home) that Ja.son's OT is cancelled for the entire week.
• Makes me want to smack people over all of these stupid issues we're having with them.
• I'll be good and not.
• Yet.

More Tales From the Hood

Today, at this afternoon's outdoor assembly, I looked over at one of my students to see him licking, yes LICKING, the. bottom. of. his. shoe.

I'm not talking about a quick little dab.

I am talking about dragging his tongue repeatedly over the bottom of his shoe. REPEATEDLY.

WTF, people. This kid is in 8th grade!

You would not believe the internal tug of war I had in those few seconds after I saw the first lick.

Do I stop him?

Or instead, do I let natural selection work its course?

Oh, the decisions one must make as a public school teacher.*

As I stood there debating whether I wanted to stop him from ingesting some horrible germ, a girl next to him spotted what he was doing, too. She freaked and made him stop.

Sigh.

This school year has been tough. There is the whole drama of the sh.oo.ting/trial and the aftermath to deal with, but there is something more to it.

My kids this year are just...odd.

There I said it.

My students are nut jobs. (not all of them, of course, but enough to make me seriously wonder what the hell is in our city's water)

No wonder I am so tired.


*I was leaning toward making him stop, but the budding scientist in me was curious. I just have to admit that. Ahem.

Brain Purge

Edited to add:

You may have noticed that I haven't published the comments you've left. I hope you don't mind if I keep them to myself right now. You all have been very supportive, and I am very appreciative. Thanks, guys.

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I am okay. Just thought I needed to say that before I wrote whatever came to mind. I'm just getting it out of my head right now.

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Sometimes I wonder about myself. Been doing that a lot lately. My head has gone to dark places.

For some reason, I am good at making myself suffer, even better at beating myself up over the little things. Lord knows there are loads of little things.

I pull into myself when I get into these moods. I used to think that it was so I could clarify things in my head. I would take a day or two to regroup and then be ready to move on to the next challenge. Now I wonder if I don't do that as yet another way to punish myself. If I don't allow myself to talk about things, to take care of myself, then reason has it that it would take longer to feel better.

I wonder if my moods have been so dark because I may have slipped into PPD? Maybe it's the PTSD issues again still?

Maybe it is just the timing of things with all of these anniversaries surrounding the boys and their birth?

Sigh.

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I do know I was very depressed after the boys' birth, the peak (or bottom I suppose depending on your perspective) of those emotions hit in March/April. The boys were about 6 months old.

It was only after I started to feel better that I could look back and really see it.

Where I am at right now doesn't even scratch the surface of where I was at back then. These feelings are nothing compared to that time. Seriously.

But it is interesting to me that Jack is 6 months old...maybe this is just how my head deals with all of these hormonal shifts and changes?

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The big boys turn 4 in nine days. They are wildly excited, wanting only to have lots of balloons, a rainbow cake, and the people they love around them. It is really very sweet to hear them talk about their party.

I hate that I still can't think about the boys' birth without all of the other...what do I call it? stuff? that seems too trivial. drama doesn't seem right either...events wrapped up along with it in some sort of warped yin yang. It saps joy from their birth for me, something that is totally unfair to all of us.

So I fake it.

I am faking it as I plan for their day. But, it sucks that I have to.

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Sometimes I wonder where all my courage went.

I miss her--that fearless girl who went after whatever she wanted. She was a fighter, man. I was proud of her. I was proud being her.

There isn't much to be proud of when you'd rather just pull the covers over your head and avoid everything.

 I don't, mind you, but I would love to.

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If this is the peak/bottom of these feeling (oh, please let it be) then the light is coming soon.

I just need to find it and hold on.

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The boys finally had their ortho appointments today. It was It is over. We got scripts for their new orthotics and walkers/gait trainers. The shitty part is that there is a possibility of more surgery in the future, although that won't be for at least 6 months to a year from now. You know that will mean we will end up at that point, because you know, it's us we're talking about. Sigh. I think my children are surgery junkies. :-(