Fitting In

I had a student come talk to me a few days ago. She often stays after school to work on various assignments, plus she likes to talk to me about the drama that her sister creates in her life because I had her sister as a student a few years ago. Her sister had many issues when I had her and the trend is still the same now that she's a junior in high school.

This time I asked her if there was anyone her age at school that she felt she could talk to about all of this. This question was in no way trying to deflect the discussions off of me on to another person but was instead based in my hope that she had a true friend with whom she could relate. My heart broke a little when she said no that nobody really understood her because everyone else was just too normal.

Oh man, could I relate. I'm sure we all could relate at one point in our lives or another.

Too normal. Those words have stuck in my head.

I can see where she would be disinterested in surrounding herself with people who didn't, maybe couldn't even, understand the path she is currently walking. It's painful to watch others enjoy what you so desperately want. It's even more painful to be misunderstood.

I've been there, done that. I did it when I was in the throws of infertility. I did it when I delivered two very early and very sick babies. I am doing it now as we forge our path toward our not as typical normal.

We all need that place to belong, the place where people "get" us.

Being able to feel like I fit in somewhere takes the sting out of all the "normal" around us in our real life. It makes our lives seem less strange, less crazy and, well, less scary. I'm so grateful to the internet for the chance to find others who are taking similar journeys as we are.

I urged my student to keep looking for that someone with whom she could connect. That person is out there right now, looking for her.

~~~

One of my deepest, darkest fears is about my boys and whether or not they will be accepted by their peers and whether they will fit in. As much as I hope that others will see just how fucking AMAZING they are, there will be people who will hurt my beautiful, sweet boys because they are a little different. There will be people who go out of their way to point out those differences and make fun of them. I would give anything to shield them from that kind of pain, and yet I know it will come as a part of their growing up. It will be a part of what makes them who they grow to be. I only hope I can do my part to counter any of those negatives.

Sigh. My heart is already aching, and it hasn't even started.

Weekend Leftovers

Today we celebrated Sh.awn's Homecoming Day. We made the day all about him and his choices. He LOVED it. Ja.son, however, wasn't nearly as enthused. His feelings could be summed up by this one picture:

He struggled with why they both didn't have a Homecoming Day today, even though he knows that he gets to have his day only nine sleeps from now. He told me repeatedly throughout the day that he wanted exactly what Sh.awn got, which brought up several pretty interesting discussions.

This is exactly why I love the idea of Homecoming Day. Yes, we celebrate because the day is the anniversary of when each came home from the hospital, but it is also a day to focus on each boy individually. That kind of thing is hard to come by when you have twins.

~~~

Thank you to Mel for highlighting two of my posts on the Friday Roundup! I'm so humbled and appreciative!

~~~

My cat is not well. We've had her for ten years, and she was somewhere around four-ish when we got her...

I am really worried about what this will mean. I have to call Monday morning to get her in to the vet.

~~~

My grandmother went back to her pulmonologist on Friday and was given the all clear. Finally. She has a little bit of scarring, but other than that she is healthy.

Her doctor was pretty surprised to see how good she look and even told her so. He gave grandma the impression that he didn't think she'd be alive for much longer when he saw her last August.

She's one tough cookie, my grandma.

~~~

It's tax time. Whoot! I love doing our taxes!

That's not strange or anything, is it? :)

~~~


Stop by Danifred's for more Leftovers.

Happy Homecoming Day, Sh.awn!

On this day five years ago, our little Sh.awn came home from the hospital! We were so excited to get the chance to finally be parents without the watchful eyes of the hospital personnel.

Picking him up without having to juggle wires was pure bliss. Sigh. I'm pretty sure all I did that first night was feed him at the expected three hour intervals and stare in wonder at him the rest of the night.

Happy Homecoming Day, Sh.awn!

It blows my mind to look at how tiny he was -- and he was
four times his birth weigh here!

Tomorrow, we get to celebrate! :-)

For those of you wanting to take a trip down memory lane, I wrote about his Homecoming here. (Try not to focus on the look of panic and disbelief we have on our faces in every single picture. I'm certain we both thought they were going to change their minds at any second and tell us he had to stay. lol)

That Twin Thing

Yesterday, the big boys were going to spend the night at grandma's. The plan was that I come home from work, stay to play with the boys for a while, and then take Jack home with me so the big boys could stay overnight at my mom's.

Jason was super excited at the prospect and has been asking to stay for weeks now. Shawn said he wanted to stay the night, too, but he quickly changed his mind once I got there. At that point, Shawn decided that he wanted to go home with me instead of having a slumber party at grandma's. No biggie.

I have to say that it was strange with just Sh.awn and Jack. It was quiet...er in some ways, yet much louder in others. Still, two munchkins to chase around the house is exponentially easier to manage than three. Go figure.

The thing that was striking to me, however, was how Sh.awn spent his evening. The boy was on fire! He was talkative and happy and active in a way that I don't often see. I'm not kidding when I say the was non stop the entire evening. It was very un-Sh.awn like in a very nice way.

Usually Ja.son is the attention seeker. He's louder, faster, and more demanding than Sh.awn. Sh.awn often sits back and lets Jay make decisions about what they'll do, or Sh.awn will just sit and play quietly in the corner while Ja.son does whatever he wants. Sh.awn seems content in that role and will often deflect the decision making to his brother. I do my best to make sure that Sh.awn gets his chance to make choices about  play, but it is difficult to referee in their relationship all the time (and I don't think that would be a good thing even if I could).

Without the twin dynamic, Sh.awn was like a different kid. (Now, I'm not sure if he would always be this animated if he was a singleton.It really could have been a fluke due to the novelty of the experience, because I know that his personality is definitely more laid back and hesitant than what I saw last night.)

It makes me question how different life would have been for him had he been a singleton. There is no doubt that he would have received twice as much attention than he did thus far. How much more advanced would he be had he had our undivided attention during his early days? I can't know the answer to that, of course, but the way he blossomed leaves me wondering.

Then again, I do think Sh.awn (they) gained a lot from having that other person always there. They learned from each other. They motivated each other. They competed with each other. Those benefits definitely can't be discounted.

This experience has cemented my resolve to give the boys, and in particular Sh.awn,  more opportunities to develop their own unique identities. As much as they need to be together because they do have that twin bond, they also need (deserve) the chance to experience life without the influence of the other because of that twin bond.


I'd love to hear from you. How do you do it, multiples moms? How do you make sure each kid gets his or her own chance to be independent while fostering that bond? If you're not a mom of multiples, and you have some ideas, I'd love to hear from you, too.

I Have a Lot to Learn

Every week at therapy, we park in the exact same spot, right next to a disabled parking space. Ja.son, who is a sign reading maniac, tells me what on that sign once we park and again as we leave every single time we're there.

"Handicap parking, mom. We need to save that space for someone in a wheelchair," he said for what seemed like the millionth time.

To say he may be obsessed with these signs is an understatement. He looks for other handicap parking signs while we are out around town, never failing to point at least one out in every parking lot we enter. He's even started incorporating these parking spaces into his endless hours of Hot Wheels play.

"Yes, we do, Jay." I told him like I always did as I pulled into our regular spot.

Usually, that is where the conversation would end. This afternoon, though, our talk took a slightly different turn.

"Mom, when I get home I'm putting my handicap parking spaces at the end of the parking lot so my Honda Pilot can park right up front."

"Well, Jay, disabled parking spaces are usually the spots closest to the doors of the building."

"Why?"

"If someone has a hard time walking, the spaces let the person park closer to the door of the building. That way, the person doesn't have to walk as far to go inside the business."

"Well, why don't we park there then? I can't walk."

Oh. My. God. My heart dropped and shattered at my feet. The water bottle that was headed toward my mouth at that moment literally stopped midair, my mouth agape. My head began to pound as I struggled for something to say.

My first instinct was to change the subject--I so did not want to have that conversation yet. He remembers everything I've ever said...if I misstepped, how would I ever be able to make my words right? I knew that what I said in that very critical moment would become part of the foundation for how he feels about his own abilities, and the weight of that responsibility was heavy on my heart.

How could I let him know it was alright for him to need a disabled parking space when I was still not sure I was alright with the idea of him (both of them) needing it?

The seconds ticked. After what seemed like ages, he said, "Is it because I can walk with my walker?"

"Babe, mommy and daddy carry you if you or Sh.awn get tired. Plus, you two are getting stronger every day and are getting so good at using your walkers. To be honest, I didn't think we needed to park in a disabled parking space. What do you think about it?"

He thought for a bit and mulled it all over. "I don't think we need to park in one right now, but it would be neat to be able to park close to Disneyland." With that, he was done talking and ready to go in to therapy.

~~~

For him it was over, but I can't get what he said out of my head. I've replayed it over and over again trying to decide what I could have/should have done differently. I keep coming back to the same idea: I don't know whether what I said was the "right" thing or not, but I do know I am so proud of my boy. To him, things just are what they are. So he needs a walker. Who cares? So what if he needs to use a disabled parking space? It's no big deal to him. 

Why do I let it be?

If he can be comfortable with his body and his walker and using disabled parking, why do I find myself still struggling?

I have a lot to learn.
 

But if I think about it, when it comes to this amazingly insightful boy I have, I must be doing something right.

Friday Night Leftovers

 



 

Good news! After an afternoon full of questions from me (during which I politely pointed out that their policy of making us wait until Local School was scheduled to enrolled put us at a disadvantage and could be seen punitive because of where we lived--i.e. the better/more expensive areas enroll first) and another visit from my secret weapon husband, we got the district office to allow us to turn in our transfer papers before we actually enrolled. This way we'll stay at the top of the list at Desired School for openings, which is what we wanted, while still enrolling on the date they've assigned to Local School like they wanted. It is a fair compromise.

 

While I was at the district office on Wednesday, I overheard them talking about not getting a shipment of tissues and other supplies. I text that information to Is.aac as part of my update to him but didn't think anything more about it. He left work, stopped at the store for tissues and hot chocolate, drove thirty minutes to their office, and dropped both off at the district office as a "Thank you for all of your hard work and help." Right after, they told him they'd take the transfer papers to hold our place.

 

Coincidence?

 

I think not. My husband's got mad money maker shaking skills, yo. ;)

 

I don't really care why they let us, only that they did. That's a HUGE weight off my chest.

 

Now all I can do is wait as I can't officially enroll them until the 4th.

 

~~~

 

I started a random act of kindness project with the program I coordinate at school. The kids are jazzed, which makes me even more excited about the whole thing. Yea!

 

~~~

 

No work on Monday. Boo-yeah!

 

~~~

 

It was finally warm enough today to take off my jacket while I was at work! Such a nice improvement from the scarf, heavy coat, and gloves I've been sporting (inside my class!) for the last two weeks. Finally the weather is acting the way it should.

 

~~~

 

I have renewed my love affair with chocolate this week. It isn't helping that they are selling candy bars at work. I think I need an intervention!

 

~~~

 

Stop by Danifred's for more Leftovers.

Just Another Day, But Not

Yesterday was their due date. It's a day that should really hold little meaning five  years after the fact with the focus now on the day they were born.

And it is, of course.

But to me, their due date is significant. It's not a day we celebrate--the boys don't even know about its existence.

Their due date is when I allow myself to unwrap the tiny box filled with what if's held tight against my heart. Really, it's impossible to think of one without the other.

I think of how different things would be had I not had them so early.

I wonder.

I fantasize.

I dream.

I grieve, although this year I didn't cry. Maybe by now, I've cried my tears dry.

Then I neatly fold the thoughts back into their case for safekeeping.

~~~

I sometimes wonder if I'll ever be able to let go of the effects of that time. I wonder if I really want to let it go. As much as I hate what prematurity has meant for our family, it is part of what made us who we are.

Without all that they endured, they wouldn't be them. We wouldn't be us.

I wouldn't be me.

~~~

I didn't say anything yesterday. I didn't want to point it out in case he didn't remember.

I remembered and thought that was enough.

He brought it up while we were in bed last night. He talked about his love for them, his love for me.

It's comforting to know that he still thinks of that time. Makes me feel less broken to hear he struggles with it too from time to time.